Fed up with his drinking

[Chocochick]

Hi All, I have not posted for years and would really appreciate some advice before I press “send” on a letter I’ve written to my husband after arriving home this evening to find he has drank a bottle and a half of wine by himself.
This alone wouldn’t necessarily be a massive issue if it wasn’t for the fact that he went out and got blind drunk last night. This also came a day after his work summer BBQ where he drank from 1-11pm and a heavy drinking session with a mate on Sunday.
I am royally fed up. We’ve been together 13 years and have two DS (6 and 4 years old). His drinking has been a serious problem for me for the majority of that time but I dismissed it initially due to his age and circumstances.
Fast forward 13 years and he’s still finding excuses for getting pissed which not only do I find unacceptable in a 40-year old father but it also disgusts me and makes me want to run a mile.
We’ve been to Relate as our relationship has been on the rocks for a while. It got a bit better and then we seem to be back to where we started.
He was promoted to MD this week and I know for a fact that if I bring this up, he’ll get defensive and say I’m insensitive for not supporting him and that this week has been an exception due to x, y and z.
The problem is that there is ALWAYS an excuse for drinking and every time he does it, I feel more and more repelled by him.
He is a good father but we haven’t been intimate for months and any attempt at talking ends up in him blaming me for overreacting.
Hence why I wrote him a letter saying that I cannot work on our relationship if he continues to drink like this but I’m scared to send it. I feel it may just be the beginning of the end and I don’t really feel that I can face a separation right now.
Any thoughts? Shall I send it and prepare for the fall out or shall I try to talk to him? Either way, I feel he’ll jump at me and try to say it’s me the one with the problem.
Feeling very demoralised at the moment.

You've hit the nail on the head. There will always be an excuse; he's happy, he's sad, he's celebrating, he's comiserating, his team's won, his team's lost, it's warm, it's cold, there's a y in the day... Whatever his reason for slowly killing himself, it's not your fault. It may be his reaction to something that's happening, but his decision to numb whatever by drinking alcohol is his choice. And I'm saying that as a recovering alcoholic.

He needs help but the only person who can help him is himself. If you haven't already, I suggest you find a time when the children aren't around and he's sober and tell him face to face what you've written on mn tonight. Tell him you're fed up and why. Tell him his behaviour disgusts you and why. Tell him his actions make you want to leave. Tell him you're at the end, but you have to be clear to yourself about where that end is and what you're going to do when it's there.

Whatever problems he has will not be solved at the bottom of a bottle. You say he's a good father - I'm guessing that's when he's sober. No one is a good parent when they're drunk, alcoholic or not.

Does your letter say pretty much what you've said in your post OP?

Thank you for replying. He is ‘sober’ around the kids but he is hangover when he’s been drinking heavily although he will deny it until he’s blue in the face and make me look unreasonable by even suggesting there may be an issue.
My letter says that I am willing to work at our relationship if he is prepared to meet me halfway and cut the drinking. I also mention how much he’s been trying to get his mum to stop drinking (she’s been recently diagnosed as diabetic and has kidney problems) but he simply cannot see the extent of his own problem.
He quit for 3-4 months and once he started again, it’s been a slippery slope towards binge drinking.
I know he will blame me for ruining his week of “glory” but there will, as you say, always be a reason in his head to overindulge.
I also said on my letter that I was willing to go back to counselling and to hear about what he thinks I need to work on but that I can’t carry on like this or fake being ok when I’m not.
Do I send it?

He can suck all the mints, use all the mouthwash, spray all the Lynx he wants. The smell is unmistakable. Your children are too young to really know what's happening, though they'll see daddy 'not feeling very well', 'going for a lie down', 'feeling a bit sad today' etc and it won't be long before your eldest starts to realise something's wrong. That's if your husband lives that long.

You are not ruining his week of glory. He is, however, ruining your life and your children's lives. Do not let him project this on to you. If he seriously has problems with the marriage then he needs to stop drinking and address those problems. Trust me, when you're sober it's a lot easier to fathom out what's going wrong than with a bottle of wine in you. Fathoming our what to do about those problems is another thing, and it may be that he's unhappy to the point that he doesn't feel able to continue being married, but that's something you'll have to address when, if, you come to it.

What have you got to lose by sending the letter? How were you planning to send it - by email or leaving it for him, eg on the kitchen table? What do you think his reaction would be reading it? What do you hope his reaction would be? What do you fear his reaction would be? Are you and the children safe, as in is he likely to become aggressive or violent?

I know you’re right and yet, I also know that he will not admit to having a problem and he is likely to become unpleasant though not necessarily aggressive. There are deeper issues, of course and the drinking is a big obstacle towards addressing them properly. He is very emotionally detached and we have little in common. We “function” from a practical perspective as a partnership to deal with the practicalities of life but our personal relationship has been strained for quite some time.
His family members are all heavy drinkers so, in a way, he feels validated in his perception of this as “normal” and a “cultural trait” (he is British, I’m not) and he always turns the tables on me to make me feel guilty for bringing this up.
I was going to send an email but my parents are here for 2 weeks and I’m scared it will all blow up on my face and it will be one big, fat mess...however, I can’t face talking to him and we’re supposed to be celebrating his new post and me finishing my degree tomorrow evening which I am dreading, as it will be yet another excuse, in his book, to get smashed. Not sure which way to go, really.

Congratulations on your degree!!

It's hard to know what to say because it's easy to say leave but then you have practicalities to sort out and lives to untangle. You sound like you're going through the motions but deep down you know there's something not right.

Drinking to excess is a British thing for all the reasons I've already mentioned, plus nearly every sporting event is associated with alcohol, so from that point of view I can see how your husband has justified his drinking in his head. Silly question, you mention his family are drinkers - do any of them have related health issues? Your mother in law's diabetes and heavy alcohol use are not a great combination for starters, and I'm just taking a wild guess here that her kidney problems are made worse, if not caused by, drinking.

Do you have any family and friends around you who you could confide in?

Before you issue your husband with any ultimatums, you might find it useful to start going to Al Anon, which is like Alcoholics Anonymous but for the friends and family of alcoholics.

It's incredibly supportive, challenging, and helpful.

Just wanted to stop by with a message of support. I am facing this with my husband. He drinks to excess. He says its only weekends but it's not so I started recording it in my phone so when I get up enough courage I can be sure its not when we have the conversation. I rang up a help line and they gave me some info for me and him so even if he doesn't get help I can. Maybe you can do the same? Drugfam and adfam are aimed at supporting those people dealing with addicts.

So is he hungover all the time? What a waste of days.

You could buy him some quit lit like This Naked Mind, Unwasted,

Club Soda is also a great support group on FB.

If he could start to see that moderation is an option.....

However, it's a realisation he needs to come to himself. 😞

You can’t change him.

You can, however, make better choices for yourself and your 6 and 4 year old.

Go to Al Anon and then LTB.
I wouldn't bother giving/sending him that letter, it's a waste of time.
When you challenge him he blames you and becomes unpleasant, you say he is emotionally detached and you have nothing in common, so why are you even trying? He's not worth it and he's not going to change.
You need to ask yourself why you've put up with this for so long.
Your children deserve better.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

I think you already know what's going to happen if you send this email. Do you really think he'll read it and think 'oh my goodness, she's right, I'll stop drinking and save my family'? Probably not... as someone else said, can you contact AA and speak to other families/wives who've been through similar?

Off at a slight tangent, OP, but you say you’re not British. If you do,leave him, would you have the right to remain in the UK? (assuming that’s where you are)

Your children already have the potential for addictive personalities. If you remain with him and they see this as acceptable behavior (This is how a British MAN is!) then you will very likely be facing this with your sons as teenagers.
Please take them out of this situation. And be honest as to why. They need to be aware that the dangers they face from "social" drinking will be greater than the average person.

What are you getting out of this relationship?. You can face a separation, why do you not want to though?. What needs of yours are still being met here?. I would have a read about codependency in relationships as this and alcohol go hand in hand. You are as caught up in this as he is and in turn your children are too. It’s not known as the family disease for nothing. There are no guarantees either when it comes to alcoholism, he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

You are playing the usual roles associated with such spouses, those of codependent, enabler and provoked because you never forget.
What you have tried to date has not worked and a letter to him now is a wasted effort. Your only real option long term is to leave him.

Why did you state he is a good father?. Women in poor relationships often write such crap when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. You have written nothing positive about him.

He is not a good father to his children if he is a drunkard. He is certainly not a good husband to you. Did you yourself grow up with heavily drinking parents?. Do you want this model of a relationship for your children?. What you are showing them is that currently at least, this from him is still acceptable to you on some level. You are not fully available to your children emotionally either as you are tying yourself up in knots re your husband. They will pick up on all this within their home, do not think for one minute either you can fully shield them from all this from him whilst you are living under the same roof. Do not continue to show your children such a damaged and dysfunctional model of a relationship.

I would concur with you contacting. Al-anon ASAP, if at all possible attend their meetings. Seek legal advice too re separation, his primary relationship is with drink in any event and it’s not with you or for that matter your children.

It's never them, it is always someone else's fault. If you send the letter then be prepared for him going through it point by point making excuses and "showing you" how wrong you are. Then perhaps the admission much later of how if he has got a problem, then its somehow your problem. Then you become the cruel one again, spoiling his lifestyle/ not supporting him enough, the list is endless. Get RL support for you and make plans for a split. If he gets help and changes, great. The reality for many is that he'll blame you and continue with his lifestyle of choice.

I lived with an alcoholic for six years. It is no fun. Sadly only they can initiate change so unless he wants to stop nothing you can do or say will make him stop I am afraid. After trying AA, counselling...you name it we tried it....I threw in the towel and left....giving up comes from within....sad but true....

Thank you all for your kind messages and support. I haven’t sent it but I have not faced him yet and I don’t feel I can just put a front on and carry on as normal. I need to get this off my chest and tell him that we need to have a conversation about how to address the problems in our relationship, maybe when my parents are gone. In the meantime, I will contact some of the places you’ve suggested to ask for advice on how to prepare for it and what to do if it all blows up. I think that he feels validated in his drinking habits by a culture that not only allows for it but also celebrates excessive drinking as having fun and letting your hair down, even in front of children. I know I’m up against it and it may just spell the end. Not sure I’m ready for that but if it comes to a total denial and a refusal to seek help, I will have no other choice.
Thank you for being there. It really does mean a lot. I am sorry that you’re also going through this wibs77. Have you sought help from any support lines?

Chico

Talking to him about any of this will be a wasted effort. He does not want to know, he wants you around solely so that he can carry on drinking. That is what his primary relationship is with.

You can only help your own self ultimately, not he. He does not want your help and support and as his wife you are really as caught up in all this as he is. The only person who can help him is he and like many alcoholics as well he is in denial. His own mother drinks heavily, alcoholism can also be learnt behaviour.

LTB? Said a pp?
Gosh that seems a bit extreme.
On MN there is zero tolerance for alcohol, but support if Husbands have MH problems. Total support when an OP has crippling anxiety and is damaging her children.
But no, not on this thread, re alcohol. Very odd.

Op leaving her husband is not an extreme reaction at all. Nothing she has tried to date has worked so what other options are there?

Her husband has a long standing drink problem. It also does these children emotional harm to be growing up within such a household, it’s chaotic and op herself is firefighting constantly.

If my husband had an alcohol or a mental health problem, refused to get help and blamed me, I would leave him.

"In sickness and in health" means I will support him if he is (physically or mentally) ill and getting the treatment he needs. But I will NOT support him if he refuses treatment to the detriment of me or - especially - our children.

HTH

I’ve called Al Anon. It was helpful. There is a meeting near me this week which I will try to get to. Leaving is not simple, especially with a family and everything that comes with it. He is a good person but has been clearly filling a void with alcohol and not addressing the real problems that he has. He genuinely does not believe he has a drinking problem but this is the norm for most alcoholics.
I don’t think I’ve exhausted all avenues yet to be in a position to decide to separate. He doesn’t drink in front of the children (apart from a beer or glass of wine) but I know it’s a matter of time before that happens as the kids still go to bed early. It scares me to think that my boys could end up copying him and although I’ve mentioned this to him before, he insists his behaviour is totally normal and nothing to be concerned about.

After getting bladdered in the pub the other night, he rolled in at midnight and kept drinking. I know because the first thing I found was the glass and bottle next to the kettle as I got up. Last night, he hid the bottle of wine he had bought until I was out of the house, then put it in the recycling thinking I wouldn’t notice!?

He noticed I was not engaging with him this morning and asked how I was. I said I wasn’t in a great place so he asked if I wanted to have a chat. I replied that I did and that I feel we need to agree to come together from a place of conciliation and constructiveness and not confrontation.
I can tell he is building up his defence as he know what’s coming.
It has to happen, though. I’m not holding all this pain inside and continuing to enable his addiction. I just can’t.

He does not have to drink in front of the children to be harming them. He is harming you all, alcoholism is known as the family disease as well. You are profoundly affected by your husband,s alcoholism and you cannot protect your children fully from this. They also see your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to his drinking, they see how preoccupied you are because of his drinking. Do not think they do not see this because they do. It colours everything in your house and you are lurching really from one crisis to another. It’s not stable in your house at all.

Talking to him op will be a waste of time, he only wants you around to enable him drink. You prop him up.

Conciliation and constructiveness are not in his vocabulary. He just wants you to put up and shut up.

Do read the 3 act play that is alcoholism. It is a hard read but words you should read. You are really playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses.

How much does he drink and how often?
What excuses do his family use?

I have a step sister married to an Irish man. OMG the drinking and excuses (always sport, any sport.., now 40ths too..) it's astonishing.

He's basically out his face every Friday & Saturday night in bed all weekend and back in the pub watching any sport with beers on Sunday. Disgusting has 2 kids.