Fed up with his drinking

[Chocochick]

Hi All, I have not posted for years and would really appreciate some advice before I press “send” on a letter I’ve written to my husband after arriving home this evening to find he has drank a bottle and a half of wine by himself.
This alone wouldn’t necessarily be a massive issue if it wasn’t for the fact that he went out and got blind drunk last night. This also came a day after his work summer BBQ where he drank from 1-11pm and a heavy drinking session with a mate on Sunday.
I am royally fed up. We’ve been together 13 years and have two DS (6 and 4 years old). His drinking has been a serious problem for me for the majority of that time but I dismissed it initially due to his age and circumstances.
Fast forward 13 years and he’s still finding excuses for getting pissed which not only do I find unacceptable in a 40-year old father but it also disgusts me and makes me want to run a mile.
We’ve been to Relate as our relationship has been on the rocks for a while. It got a bit better and then we seem to be back to where we started.
He was promoted to MD this week and I know for a fact that if I bring this up, he’ll get defensive and say I’m insensitive for not supporting him and that this week has been an exception due to x, y and z.
The problem is that there is ALWAYS an excuse for drinking and every time he does it, I feel more and more repelled by him.
He is a good father but we haven’t been intimate for months and any attempt at talking ends up in him blaming me for overreacting.
Hence why I wrote him a letter saying that I cannot work on our relationship if he continues to drink like this but I’m scared to send it. I feel it may just be the beginning of the end and I don’t really feel that I can face a separation right now.
Any thoughts? Shall I send it and prepare for the fall out or shall I try to talk to him? Either way, I feel he’ll jump at me and try to say it’s me the one with the problem.
Feeling very demoralised at the moment.

It’s so natural to feel like this, it’s an end to the future you thought you were going to have. In reality that future wouldn’t have been happy but we always hope things will change for the better.

The emotional detachment of men in this situation is classic behaviour. In his head he is taking no responsibility for the relationship ending. He is of course entirely to blame for the underlying root cause of the problems you were having. But in order to accept that he’d have to take a hard look at his drinking and he just can’t do that.

I hope your parents surprise you and are supportive. I think sometimes it’s the fear of the unknown and worry that makes many parents push for reconciliation. You sound like a very strong person and although there will be hard times ahead you have made the right choice. On the other thread I linked are many grown up children of alcoholics who harbour a lot of resentment towards the non alcoholic parent. Because they stayed in the relationship and didn’t put their children’s childhoods first. You have made the right choice for yourself and your dc

no advice but just wanted to let you know this is the same for more of us. my dh was like this a few years ago,drinking about 50+ units from 3-4 nights per week drinking socially, with me and alone while i had a fruit tea.

he was (and still is) holding down one of the most senior jobs in a large well known company while i was a sahm at the time (i work now). so stressful, i dont know how he went to work and performed. would think nothing of sharing a bottle wine with me, then having an entire bottle of his own, then having 8 measures of gin. doing this several times a week. making a show of himself at parties, weddings etc, always being the most drunk person at an event by miles and being too OTT.

he came home escorted by police as they found him wandering drunk, got in fights with people, frequently started brawling with me when i was upset at him coming in muuuuch later than he said and then becoming very dark and emotional in the middle of the night disturbing us all.

He was arguing when I told him his drinking wasn't normal. hell basically for me but somehow he was still able to care for children and make sure they were safe as never any day drinking.

i dont know what changed but he stopped binge drinking as much. Maybe he did listen to me when i was fed up, hurt and exhausted with him.

He still is a drinker, may be adding up to 2.5 bottles of wine per week, 8x 25 ml measures of gin and maybe 4 pints from 2 evenings when he and colleagues are having an after work drink or after sports. (they take turns to drive each other). For context, i probably add up to 1 bottle and 6x 25 ml measures.

He sometimes has a proper SUPER binge (1-2 times a year but no where near as bad as before).

I dont feel like i'm in a bad place any more but still wish he didn't feel the need to drink at this level every single week. i'm not sure what kids think at 9 years and 5 years old. he certainly isn't abusive any more,j just tipsy from friday lunchtime to sunday lunch time and very merry.

Been there Chocochick. 32years of it. I never thought I would ever leave but I’m at that breaking point, I’ve sold my house today and cannot wait to get out. It never changes or gets better. It’s a horrendous disease, the most selfish heartbreaking disease. There’s no talking to the alcoholic they are not interested, they only want one thing, and fuck you they'll have it. he too has a fantastic job, a high earner, it means nothing I’d rather live in squalor than another minute with him. I will never EVER let anyone ever treat me the way he has. This happened at the start at out marriage. It got worse and worse, life became hell.

Attila, you are spot on. Absolutely spot on.

Well don, Redland. Lovely to hear you're making it out.

toycar

re your comment:-
"I dont feel like i'm in a bad place any more but still wish he didn't feel the need to drink at this level every single week. i'm not sure what kids think at 9 years and 5 years old. he certainly isn't abusive any more, just tipsy from friday lunchtime to sunday lunch time and very merry".

Its shit for them toycar, it really is and its shit for you as well. What you wish for and what you're getting are two very different things. He has not changed fundamentally, he is still a drunkard. He should not be drinking alcohol at all but he has and will continue to do so. You cannot force him to address his alcoholism, he has to want to do so for his own self and no-one else.

Your children have seen and heard more than enough in their young lives already as well as seeing your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to all this. Do you think as a mother that you have been fully emotionally available to them?. You have not been able to fully protect them from the realities of his drinking to excess.

What are you getting out of this relationship with your husband now?.
What is in this for you?. He may be holding down a job (for now anyway) but there are really no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism.

Redland

thanks
I hope things get better for you going forward.

Thank you Pointythings and Attila. I appreciate it🌺

I am shocked at your comments Toycar. In what world do you think your relationship is ok? You sound like you have no life at all! It makes me shudder thinking about it. My children, especially my daughter has been massively effected The guilt I feel is unbearable and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her. You seriously need a talk with yourself.

@toycar: there is no easy solution. If you feel that there is hope to hold on to and that you’re not in a bad place anymore, then that’s a choice your conscious choice. I am yet unsure as to what will happen. We are going to have a chat tonight to see if there is a way forward and if both of us are willing to compromise somehow. I am torn between my feelings and emotions right now and think that maybe the way in which I handled the situation wasn’t the most constructive. I can’t take it back, though, so we’ll see. I said we could go to back to Relate and see if that helps us either way. He is yet to reply.
I don’t think I can throw in the towel without a fight but fear it may be too late for that.

I would probably forget relate - there is no bargaining to be done here. If he wants to give up alcohol then he will. I would indeed throw in the towel, for the sake of your children, who deserve better than this. I know you are in pain but you need to focus on them. They should not grow up in this environment, and continuing to do so will likely lead to teenage / adult mental health problems.

But ChocoChick why do YOU have to compromise?
He needs to stop drinking.
If you compromise it will be about not complaining when he is drunk!
Or allowing him to drink on certain days (which means he will drink 'secretly' the rest of the time.)
Good luck.
Leaving will not be nice, but staying will get very, very messy.

OP, I have been there and bought the t-shirt (and still have the mental scars). Went through all the things you describe, promises, excuses, laying the blame on me.

I finally left. I'm not saying this is what you should do, but I will tell you that my ex is now in his 50s. From what I hear of him, his liver is giving up but he's still drinking.

Redland12 good for you, your life will be so much better.

Oh wow, i didn't think it was that bad any more. Perhaps an exaggeration, most weekends he's sinking a couple of wine bottle plus massive gins except for if we on a weekend away somewhere as i dont like driving the main family car, he then hammers it as soon as we arrive.
I do too but i stop after 2 large glasses and a couple gins over 4-5 hours.

Is it still harmful if we aren't now arguing, snapping and there's is no simmering tension? Genuinely i don't know. he's a much better drinker now as in not dark mood ever really, little to zero verbal lashing out when i question his drinking and never seems hungover.

i'm just stunned at how much he can drink and still be fully involved in family life: taking them to parties, bringing them on days out when I'm doing something. Doing laundry and cleaning etc. Being careful to not drive next morning when he thinks there is even a hint of chance over limit.

Been much better for 3 years but thought i'd share my story to OP as 6 odd years ago, so no DC2. It was painful and exhausting.

Even at its peak it could have been worse - there was a lot of tension, but no screaming matches, just awful insidious sniping and twisting from him, emotional/heated conversations. we dont really do shouting here but i know that this sort of behaviour is harmful to children too...

Yes, we have a lot of fun together and i still find him insanely attractive but he has his issues and i 100% have mine but thats a whole different thread. Our life is very stressful.

What is there to compromise? He only drinks on the weekends? Only two bottles a week? You've already been down that road and you're here again.

There's a thread on here, where a woman's husband took their son to a festival, got drunk and disappeared. This man was an alcoholic and hadn't drunk for months, he chose this time to slip. Do you want that for your dc?

Back to you OP, i had a chat with my DC. I told him he was impacting on my well being and our DCs safety and well being. I think it did hit home but he's still a huge drinker, just not as much to earlier extent and not such a problematic one. Perhaps you spelling it out will impact??

I grew up in a family where in childhood my own father was a binge drinker and yes, it hugely affected out relationship at the time and in my adulthood.

You have to weigh it all up OP and see what is best for you and DC.
You'll have too decide of there is scope for change.

Perhaps you spelling it out will impact??
@toycar
The OP has already spelled it out to him and he has told her he does not want change and he wants to separate. It’s time for the OP to pick up her self-respect, accept he doesn’t want to change and he wants to exit the relationship. The only thing she has control over is how she moves forward. She needs to prioritise her children and recognise being in a home environment with an alcoholic is going to have a long lasting negative impact to their wellbeing and mental health. I speak from the perspective of a child with an alcoholic parent.

ah right Maddy didn't see that he said he wanted to separate. I thought OP was having a final conversation on the matter then making decisions.

@toycar no worries OP posted it yesterday, I think it’s on the third page of this thread

I wrote him a letter saying that although my feelings and concerns are genuine and valid, I also feel I came from a place of frustration and did not approach it in the best way. He felt it as an ultimatum, hence his reaction. It was painful and he was initially very closed off. He recognises his drinking last week was excessive but doesn’t believe there’s a problem. After much soul-searching, we have decided to try again. I asked him to cut his drinking, he said he will but I’m doubtful. He says I need to be more positive and less dismissive of him. He seemed quite inflexible at first. I think his pride was hurt. It will be hard and what happened may either be a wake-up call or end up in a separation. I feel we need to try, for us and for the boys. He is a good man and does a lot for me and the family. We share everything equally and he means well. He needs to show me that he is committed to addressing the problems and we will see if there is any hope. We had the longest hug afterwards, the closest we’ve been for months. I’m confused but I feel that there is still stuff to work through before we get to the stage of making the final decision.

It is not in your boys best interest to live with a parent who is an alcoholic, and one that does not even recognise there is a problem. How do you intend to protect them from this situation OP? I would suggest not letting him be drunk in the house.

@Maddy72: he is never drunk when the boys are awake. It’s still not great, of course but he’s never been abusive or unpleasant towards me as a result of drinking although that doesn’t mean it isn’t a problem.
There is, I feel, a strong association with drink in his life: his family, most of his friendships have happened as a result of heavy drinking in a pub, etc, etc. Very difficult for him not to see it as “normal”. I have to say a lot of people do this in this country and don’t think there is anything to worry about. The culture does not help but I was very strong on it not being acceptable for me or the boys and how it inevitably damage his health, physical and mental.
He knows exactly how I feel and what he stands to lose. Whether it will be enough to cause a permanent reaction is uncertain.

So was he lying when he said he's spent the last year planning a separation?

@SarahBeeney: I think he exaggerated because he was hurt but we have both contemplated it, for sure. His way of dealing with it is preparing practically. I am a day dreamer so I deal with it through escapism. I know him well enough to know that his was a defensive reaction. We are both aware that our relationship is not great but there are still some good things to feel hopeful about. I will not put up and shut up. If things don’t improve, it will be over.