Fed up with his drinking

[Chocochick]

Hi All, I have not posted for years and would really appreciate some advice before I press “send” on a letter I’ve written to my husband after arriving home this evening to find he has drank a bottle and a half of wine by himself.
This alone wouldn’t necessarily be a massive issue if it wasn’t for the fact that he went out and got blind drunk last night. This also came a day after his work summer BBQ where he drank from 1-11pm and a heavy drinking session with a mate on Sunday.
I am royally fed up. We’ve been together 13 years and have two DS (6 and 4 years old). His drinking has been a serious problem for me for the majority of that time but I dismissed it initially due to his age and circumstances.
Fast forward 13 years and he’s still finding excuses for getting pissed which not only do I find unacceptable in a 40-year old father but it also disgusts me and makes me want to run a mile.
We’ve been to Relate as our relationship has been on the rocks for a while. It got a bit better and then we seem to be back to where we started.
He was promoted to MD this week and I know for a fact that if I bring this up, he’ll get defensive and say I’m insensitive for not supporting him and that this week has been an exception due to x, y and z.
The problem is that there is ALWAYS an excuse for drinking and every time he does it, I feel more and more repelled by him.
He is a good father but we haven’t been intimate for months and any attempt at talking ends up in him blaming me for overreacting.
Hence why I wrote him a letter saying that I cannot work on our relationship if he continues to drink like this but I’m scared to send it. I feel it may just be the beginning of the end and I don’t really feel that I can face a separation right now.
Any thoughts? Shall I send it and prepare for the fall out or shall I try to talk to him? Either way, I feel he’ll jump at me and try to say it’s me the one with the problem.
Feeling very demoralised at the moment.

Best of luck to you OP . I really hope he can make some changes.

His drinking impacts massively on the DC, even if they don’t witness him drinking. Don’t be in denial about that.

Chocochick

Reading your recent posts makes me just think that the merry go around that is alcoholism continues unabated. You really do need to get off this and you need to go to Al-anon meetings urgently. Starting a recovery program may can greater suffering, conflict and confusion, but in the long run this is far less painful than helping the alcoholic continue to drink by remaining a member of the support cast of the play which keeps the Merry-Go-Round turning.

Your relationship is over in any case because his primary relationship is with drink.

Re your comment:-
"There is, I feel, a strong association with drink in his life: his family, most of his friendships have happened as a result of heavy drinking in a pub, etc, etc. Very difficult for him not to see it as “normal”. I have to say a lot of people do this in this country and don’t think there is anything to worry about".

This is his "normal". Alcoholism can be learnt and it is of no surprise to me that his family are heavy drinkers along with his drinking buddies (who are alcoholics like him). A lot of people do not do this in this country to the extent that he does. You are a daydreamer and that state does you no favours either; your life has already turned into a nightmare not just for you but for your kids too. Its never stable at home is it, you merely lurch from one crisis to another. They certainly are picking up on your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him. He knows you are not serious about wanting to leave him, he can and does play you like a violin here. The people I feel the most for in all this are your children because unlike both the adults in their lives, they have no choice. They could well inherit the consequences in years to come stemming in part from their dad's alcoholism and your own muddled thinking, codependency and enabling behaviours.

Do read this article. It is a hard read because your roles in all this are in there but I would urge you to read this all the same:-
storage.cloversites.com/recoveryatcokesbury/documents/A%20Merry%20Go%20Round%20For%20Femaile%20Alcoholic-%20final%20(1).pdf

Your children will be well aware in a couple of years. Like I said, I realised at 7, and my dad was also drinking “when I was asleep”. You have already exposed your young children to you “falling on the floor crying” and getting your I presume 6 year old to comfort you. You are prioritising your fear of being alone over their health and well-being.

Please do not think that this is not affecting your kids. It most certainly is. You may think you are shielding them but it's impossible. My husband was brought up in a house with alcoholism. His parents had a very fractured relationship due to this. He left home at 18. His mother died from a fall due to alcohol and his father we are now low contact with as he does not want our kids to ever be exposed to that even as babies as he knows what an impact that can have.

His parents separated for a few months shortly before his mother died and they were both in much better places apart. Then they got back together and it spiralled from there. It only takes one drunken instance to change yours and their lives forever. Please do not subject your children to this for the rest of their lives.

You are in denial. As much as he is. You are enabling him. You are delaying the inevitable, setting yourself and your children up for more dysfunction and pain, all in completely vain hope that he will change despite all evidence to the contrary. You have even willingly taken on much of the bland for the situation. I think you are being foolish and irresponsible and I pity your children.

It is very, very hard to act decisively when someone you love says all the right things. I fell for it myself and I get it.

But an alcoholic will say anything to maintain the status quo. Please start going to Al-Anon and open your eyes. You cannot afford daydreams.

I grew up with an alcoholic father. The atmosphere in the house was cold and he was very much a non-entity in my life as he wasn’t participating properly in family life (always on the couch/hungover, tired or glassy-eyed).

I was about 10 when my parents split up and I felt immense relief. My mum briefly took my father back two years later saying she thought it was better for me, excuses I think. I was really shocked when he turned up at our door and then reliefed again when they split up again shortly after.

My father has since died from (drink-induced, no doubt) throat cancer at only 60.

You’re not going to do your children any favours with this. They are going to think that this is what a relationship should be like. Please leave him for you and for them.

I appreciate your comments and I don’t think I’m in denial. I know there is an issue that needs serious addressing but he is a very responsible father and is very much involved in family life. I do know it won’t be easy and it may all end up in a separation but I think that I did get carried away by my negative thoughts as a consequence of the last week of heavy drinking. He admits I have a right to be pissed off about it but whether he can make the choice to prevent that from happening again is yet to be seen.

But he isn't a responsible father. He's a drunk.

Mmm-hmm. Very responsible 🙄

Well done OP on not listening to the baying mob and for giving it another chance. Some people seem all too keen to advise other people to give up on a Marriage, on vows that were made for better or for worse.

Your DH did not choose to start drinking more and more, these things happen over time. It sounds very much like he's got a very demanding job and with 2 young children and a stressed marriage it's easy to see how it became a problem before he had chance to deal with it.

It will take you both some time to adapt but the best option for everyone is to try make it work imo. If it doesn't work at least you can look your children in the eye and say that you tried your best.

For his part, he will decide over the next few months if he can carry on his life without the pubs, without the wine and settling into family life. If you want any advice the only bit I would give would be to give gentle reminders when/if you see him slipping into old habits. That won't be out of lack of respect but out of learned behaviours over decades. If you support each other and if he wants it then there's no reason this won't be a footnote in history in no time.

If you want any advice the only bit I would give would be to give gentle reminders when/if you see him slipping into old habits.

With all due respect, Bungle, I think this is v bad advice. OP cannot control her husband's drinking and it is not her responsibility to stop him slipping back into old habits.

I say this from long experience of living with an alcoholic, BTW.

I respect your experience dishwasher and I'm happy to agree to disagree here, although I do agree that OP cannot control her husbands drinking.
But if she wants to make the marriage work I think it's prudent to watch what he's drinking and to remind of his obligations from time to time if she feels it could be becoming more frequent or in any way problematic again. For me that kind of support is really important.
If she's happy to just walk away if he slips up then they would maybe need to agree to him cutting alcohol completely I think, which I don't believe has been suggested.
However OP decides to proceed I hope they find a way to make it work.

Bungle, I wish the OP well too whatever she decides to do. It is such a very difficult place to be in and my heart goes out to her.

OPs husband has tried and failed (not surprisingly) to stop his own mother from drinking. From this it can be surmised that her H grew up seeing his mother drink to excess. OP is falling into that same trap of a role and his drinking has been a constant presence throughout their marriage.

As he is an alcoholic he should not ever drink alcohol ever again but that is his choice ultimately to make. He has to want to decide that his relationship with drink is a long term problematic one but he won't do that especially whilst OP is still around to prop him and her family unit up. And so the merry go round continues with each participant falling back into their assigned roles.

She is not responsible for him nor should she at all police his drinking (you cannot control it or cure it). Her relationship with him is over in all but name too because his primary relationship is with alcohol and not with her or their children (and they are seeing at first hand the fallout from all this too).

OP cannot protect her children from the realities of her H's alcoholism. Well meaning but ultimately enabling behaviour will not help him or the OP.

I dated a drinker/drunk once. I'n my 20s.

The crazy stuff he did lol. Like go walking in the woods in the rain drunk, sending selfies or tell me he was sleeping in his van for the night as he went to the pub and drunk. Then a hour later ring me and be somewhere else. Yep don't miss that.

@Bunglefromrainbow: thank you for your balanced comments and good vibes. I do feel strongly about doing our best to save the marriage: a lot of very stressful things have been happening for us both recently which have put a distance between us. We certainly have work to do and not just the drinking. I know my anxiety is an issue which affects my moods and mental health and I have had treatment in the past (Sertraline and counselling) but feel that it may be useful to seek some help again. My self-care has been appalling over the last few months due to the stresses of work, course and family life (plus my MIL being in hospital) so we’ve not had a good chance at connecting with one another.
I can’t tell whether things will improve or not but we need to give ourselves the opportunity to find out. He does have a lot of great qualities and I hope the demon drink can be kept at bay. If not, I’ll feel I did everything I could and will do what I consider necessary for my children’s and my own wellbeing.