Fed up with his drinking

[Chocochick]

Hi All, I have not posted for years and would really appreciate some advice before I press “send” on a letter I’ve written to my husband after arriving home this evening to find he has drank a bottle and a half of wine by himself.
This alone wouldn’t necessarily be a massive issue if it wasn’t for the fact that he went out and got blind drunk last night. This also came a day after his work summer BBQ where he drank from 1-11pm and a heavy drinking session with a mate on Sunday.
I am royally fed up. We’ve been together 13 years and have two DS (6 and 4 years old). His drinking has been a serious problem for me for the majority of that time but I dismissed it initially due to his age and circumstances.
Fast forward 13 years and he’s still finding excuses for getting pissed which not only do I find unacceptable in a 40-year old father but it also disgusts me and makes me want to run a mile.
We’ve been to Relate as our relationship has been on the rocks for a while. It got a bit better and then we seem to be back to where we started.
He was promoted to MD this week and I know for a fact that if I bring this up, he’ll get defensive and say I’m insensitive for not supporting him and that this week has been an exception due to x, y and z.
The problem is that there is ALWAYS an excuse for drinking and every time he does it, I feel more and more repelled by him.
He is a good father but we haven’t been intimate for months and any attempt at talking ends up in him blaming me for overreacting.
Hence why I wrote him a letter saying that I cannot work on our relationship if he continues to drink like this but I’m scared to send it. I feel it may just be the beginning of the end and I don’t really feel that I can face a separation right now.
Any thoughts? Shall I send it and prepare for the fall out or shall I try to talk to him? Either way, I feel he’ll jump at me and try to say it’s me the one with the problem.
Feeling very demoralised at the moment.

How much money does he spend on alcohol?
Is your combined income so high that you have enough family money for him to spend on alcohol without impacting on the children? What about money for things that will benefit them now (clubs, hobbies, trips and holidays) as well as saving for their future (driving lessons, university, and beyond)?

I have just read it, Attila, and God, did it hit me hard! Word by word, it’s what my life has come to without me even noticing that it was heading that way. Too many times I’ve been made to feel guilty for “accusing” him unfairly, for failing to understand him, for nagging. Too many times I’ve ended up believing it and trying to look past it for the sake of the family unit whilst I feel like I’m dying inside. My children know we’re not happy. They can sense the tension.
The only reason why I wouldn’t want to split up are the boys. I just couldn’t face their sadness and the thought of not seeing them every day. I don’t think I feel anything for him anymore. That hurts me to even type it but the alcohol’s been like a mistress in our relationship and I’ve detached myself from him so much that I just don’t My fear is also that, if we do separate, he will drink himself into oblivion and the children will be affected even more.
I will have the conversation tomorrow. I feel that I have to now. There is no going back. Not sure what to expect but it needs to happen.

You're right OP, he is building up his defences. He's already reconciled it in his mind and the excuses will come out so naturally, and if they don't work then he'll most likely turn on the self pity.

This is not normal. It is not normal drinking when you hide bottles. It is not normal to drink to excess most of the time. It is not normal to spend most of your days hungover. It is not normal.

It's very hard to consider separating as, from your earlier posts, your family aren't in the UK, so you don't have that immediate support network. Al anon is a good first port of call for you, and hopefully you'll find some useful advice from people who have been where you are.

Someone mentioned upthread that you're his enabler. You can't change him in that you can't stop his drinking. That has to be his choice, and his alone. However you can make changes for you and your boys. You have to fathom where your line is, and, most importantly, stick to it. You are the only person living this with your husband right now. You know what he does, how he acts, how he reacts, and if your line is that he does x, y or z then you need to act from that, otherwise the line disappears and it just gets worse because you've effectively said your boundaries are meaningless, and he will push it, believe me. He will think he's being clever and hiding it really well, but he's really, really not.

Maybe you could keep a diary of all the times he drinks and how it's made you feel, including the times he comes in from wherever with alcohol on his breath.

He spends a fair amount but he is a big earner so this argument will not wash with him. Plus, cost of taxis home when drunk and buying drinks for everyone else. It’s juvenile, immature and inconsiderate but he’s grown up with it so I’m the odd one out as we live in the UK. The only drinker in my family was my paternal grandfather whose son (my Dad) was murdered so I get it. My grandma put up with it and dealt with her own pain as best she could. But when I think of my life ahead tolerating this, I despair.

There was another thread a couple of months ago about how do you know when it's over, and one poster wrote something like 'when the future with him looks bleaker than the future without'. You're miserable and your children are going to grow up miserable if he doesn't stop this, or if you don't put a stop to it by staying in the same situation.

I'm sorry that the image many people not from the UK have of us is that of a nation of drinkers. It's normalising something that is very harmful and addictive, and it's not an excuse you should put up with. A glass of wine here and there is normal. Terms like gin o'clock and mummy's petrol are normalising harmful behaviours. I'm going to stop there as I'm soon to get my head bitten off by someone missing the point saying not all drinkers are alcoholics. This isn't about them. This is about you and your family, and alcohol is playing a very big part in destroying it.

Is your husband aware that drinking like he does will be having a detrimental affect on his health? Has he had a health mot recently? That sometimes shocks people into realising there's a problem.

I really hope that you can seriously talk to your husband about his drinking,and what it is doing to you and your family, and give him a wake up call. I guess there is help out there also,but alcoholics are usually in denial,and are not ever keen on getting help.

I was with an alcoholic partner up until 15 years ago, he was a far more extreme alcoholic than your husband. After 4 years of trying to help him,he slowly descended into a total alcoholic wreck. He eventually was drinking two bottles of neat vodka every day,and anything else that was available.His first drink of the day,would be a tumbler full of vodka, and he would go without food,and have alcohol instead.

As I said,this was extreme,and hope nothing like this will happen to you.
The drink eventually caused my partners death,as in,his body was packing up,and he had alcoholic dementia,but before this,he had started to get abusive to me when I was trying to help him,so I had to leave then. All this,despite him having a lovely home, no money issues,and two fancy cars etc etc.

I am with my eldest now, going to see my parents, and fighting back the tears. I really don’t think there is a future to speak of unless he decides to find help and stop drinking altogether which I am fairly certain he will refuse to do.
Moderation does not seem like a feasible option and I’m too bitter and angry to even imagine feeling like a couple ever again.
I do blame myself for not recognising so many red flags and for not leaving earlier but guilt will not help. I just want the hurt to stop.

It is soul destroying being with someone who has an alcohol problem.

Oops pressed post too soon!

I left my ex who was a black out binge drinker when my DT’s were 2. I am so glad that I did. The constant worrying about will he be drunk? How drunk? Will there be a fight? Will get home in one piece? The walking on eggshells and the constant underlying tension and stress are no way to live.

I hated how it was changing me. I didn’t want to be someone trying to control his drinking or working out deals of how much he would drink or how long he would be out drinking. I didn’t want to have that simmering anger and resentment. I didn’t want my children to see me like that.

My advice is get yourself into a better place. He’s not going to change and sending him a letter isn’t going to suddenly make him realise how badly he’s bahaving. He’s just going to get defensive and angry.

You need to take a step back and decide if you want to continue in this situation. If you don’t, get the practical things sorted out, and see a lawyer about how visitation who go considering he could be drunk while in charge of the children.

Best of luck with everything.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. I've been there too. I spent years acting out my part in the play, as you have.

But you know where you are now. Please do go to Al-Anon. They will teach you to set our boundaries and detach with love. You will learn to cope in the (very likely) event that this spells the end of your marriage. You will cope with living without him.

He is an alcoholic. A functioning one at present, but they all stop functioning in the end. I see much of my late H in what you describe about him - and he ended up dead of a heart attack in a lonely shitty flat, not having seen his DDs since moving out 7 months earlier because they couldn't stand to be around him. It's been a long, sad road, but our lives are so much better without him.

Start preparing.

Hello, I’m sorry to hear what you are going through.

I was 7 when I realised my dad had a drinking problem. He had a full-time job so wasn’t an alcoholic as such, but he had a drinking problem, which distressed my mum and caused anxiety for me. My mum did not leave him.

23 years later. I am 30. My parents are still together. My dad’s drinking has never changed. At times in our lives it became worse and then at times it would reduce. I feel my mum has just accepted the situation as just turns off from it as best she can. In almost 30 years nothing has got better.

I have had numerous problems from it all. To this day I have anxiety around any social situation / Christmas / birthdays etc that my dad will be present at.

At 14 I developed my own drink problem, including passing out unconscious on the street at age 14 and requiring an ambulance and taking alcohol into school. I have had multiple counsellors until the age of 21 I had to give up completely.

I have also had poor self-esteem throughout my life and struggle to end relationships and have accepted abuse in the past, which I attribute to my mum modelling poor relationship behaviours, including never ending a relationship regardless of what horrific things happen “to avoid splitting up the family”.

Since giving up alcohol my health and well-being has improved immeasurably. I am finishing my PhD and engaged to be married and have a mortgage. There’s no way my partner would be with me if I still drank how I used to and there’s no way I would be with him if he drank either.

I strongly recommend you leave this person for the sake of your children, with a view to getting back together perhaps after 6 months of total abstinence. If he minimises his drinking, giving up should therefore not be a problem to keep his family together. I can assure you categorically your children should not witness this and in a year or so they will understand and they will be scared. Drunk parents are terrifying to young children because they say and behave in ways totally unrecognisable to you.

I was 7 when I realised my dad had a drinking problem. He had a full-time job so wasn’t an alcoholic as such, but he had a drinking problem,

You don't have to be out of work to be an alcoholic.

You should be very proud of yourself Maddy for turning your life around and recognising how toxic your home environment was. It’s sad that your mum has not managed to leave but people make choices for reasons that are very personal and hard to understand. I fear my boys will side with him if we split but I’ll have to work through if it comes to that. I am going to ask for an alcohol-free evening when he comes back and feel that may lead to an unpleasant situation but I can’t sit and watch him drink again.

Why do you fear that your boys will side with him if you split?. What’s the reasoning behind that thinking. Someone has to be the responsible parent here and it’s never going to be him, it has to be you instead.

Asking him for an alcohol free evening is not going to work, such bargaining with alcoholics is doomed always to failure. He will merely accuse you of stopping him having his fun here.

You can only help your own self ultimately Chocochick and the choice is yours. You cannot rescue and or save your alcoholic husband here, you can only help your own self along with your boys. Doing that and getting out of this codependent relationship will be far better for you and for them, they at the very least deserve a childhood free of an alcoholic parent.

The 3cs re alcoholism
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Read Mandy’s posts again, look at her early life and how many years it took her to turn her life around as a result of seeing alcoholism and enabling at home. Do not repeat the mistakes that her mother in particular made here.

That should read Maddy rather than Mandy.

Your kids are aware on some level that something is badly wrong at home because they do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken. They see how you react to their dads drinking and learn from this and your reactions. Do not continue to give them such a childhood, they need a childhood free of the the family disease that is called alcoholism. They deserve that much at the very least and for that matter so do you.

He sounds like my DH. Drinks less during the week but at least one night over the weekend there will no off button and literally keep going until any booze is gone. Easily get through a bottle of wine in a typical session.

We went round friends last night and admittedly everyone was drinking but DH was just throwing it back. Beer, wine, whisky. By the time I dragged him home he couldn't string two words together and was staggering. I was just listening to him chat the same old shit he always does when drunk sadly chipping away at the respect I am losing.
Today he was in bed until 1pm.

Can't discuss it with him, he just gets annoyed and says I nag. Blames the stresses of running his own business to excuse what's happening.
Don't get me wrong I like a drink but recognise that 2 glasses of wine is my limit.

And yes like a PP I am convinced he does it to fill a void.

I feel anxious and numb. My feelings for him have been eroded over time with the excessive drinking and the lies to attempt to cover it up or play it down. When I had my youngest, I co-slept with him for 6 months and he slept in the spare room as he said he couldn’t sleep otherwise. After a while, I found a cemetery of empty wine bottles and glasses under his bed when he forgot to hide the evidence. That memory and disgust still live with me to this day.

Chocochick secret drinking and lying are huge red flags. You have to face it - he is an alcoholic. Leaving your boys in that environment is doing them a huge disservice. I still wish I had put my foot down and left as soon as I discovered my H's secret drinking habit.

Am so sorry @Chocochick
My DH doesn't bother to hide empties, just leaves them in lounge for me to find in morning.

DC see him in this state, from full-on animated pissed up Dad to hungover disengaged Dad

The memories tainted by excessive drinking are too many to count. I even had to expressly ask him to avoid getting pissed the night before our wedding after he ruined our engagement party from being paralytic. I thought we were so in love it would be ok. It hasn’t and now the love and respect have gone. Not sure there is any hope at all if ever regaining even a modicum of that.

So sorry you and your DC are dealing with that, @rainrainsun. Either in hiding or openly, the pain and damage are permanent and impossible to erase.

This was like my dh. I tried to manage the experience and consequences when the kids were smaller- and i kidder myself they were oblivious. After one particularly bad occasion I told him he stopped drinking or we were over. And i meant it, its no life for anyone. To my surprise he did stop drinking and hasn't touched it since, three years ago. I am not sure i will ever forgive him fully for what he put us through, but i do respect that it is a disease and that he stopped. All parts of his life have improved, apart from his social life as men dont seem to know how to socialise without alcohol, plus he used booze to mask his shyness. My children still refer to times they were scared by their dad- they were 6 and 9 when he stopped.

You need to be strong and stick up for yourself and your children- this is no way to live.

Please you need to leave. The only person you are staying for is yourself is because you are afraid of doing it alone. I understand your fear but you CAN cope. Please don’t underestimate the damage to your children this will cause if you stay by both being exposed to an alcoholic parent, and a parent who chooses to keep them in that environment and models poor relationship behaviour. Believe you are worth more. Show your children that they deserve better.

@mollyblack you are so right, men just don't seem to be able to socialise without drink. It's like the lubricant that removes the anxiety of talking freely

DH never socialises without drinking, if he does he's withdrawn and awkward