Fed up with his drinking

[Chocochick]

Hi All, I have not posted for years and would really appreciate some advice before I press “send” on a letter I’ve written to my husband after arriving home this evening to find he has drank a bottle and a half of wine by himself.
This alone wouldn’t necessarily be a massive issue if it wasn’t for the fact that he went out and got blind drunk last night. This also came a day after his work summer BBQ where he drank from 1-11pm and a heavy drinking session with a mate on Sunday.
I am royally fed up. We’ve been together 13 years and have two DS (6 and 4 years old). His drinking has been a serious problem for me for the majority of that time but I dismissed it initially due to his age and circumstances.
Fast forward 13 years and he’s still finding excuses for getting pissed which not only do I find unacceptable in a 40-year old father but it also disgusts me and makes me want to run a mile.
We’ve been to Relate as our relationship has been on the rocks for a while. It got a bit better and then we seem to be back to where we started.
He was promoted to MD this week and I know for a fact that if I bring this up, he’ll get defensive and say I’m insensitive for not supporting him and that this week has been an exception due to x, y and z.
The problem is that there is ALWAYS an excuse for drinking and every time he does it, I feel more and more repelled by him.
He is a good father but we haven’t been intimate for months and any attempt at talking ends up in him blaming me for overreacting.
Hence why I wrote him a letter saying that I cannot work on our relationship if he continues to drink like this but I’m scared to send it. I feel it may just be the beginning of the end and I don’t really feel that I can face a separation right now.
Any thoughts? Shall I send it and prepare for the fall out or shall I try to talk to him? Either way, I feel he’ll jump at me and try to say it’s me the one with the problem.
Feeling very demoralised at the moment.

I think a lot of men struggle with social interactions because of the constraints put on them by society in terms of expressing their feelings. The 'Men Don't Cry' stigma is still powerful. It certainly contributed to my H's mental ill health and the issues that made him turned to drink.

He went shopping with my folks and bought 8 beers and 2 bottles of wine. My mum noticed I was off and she thought it was tiredness so he’s taken them back to their place. I went to open the freezer and 4 cans fell on me. He clearly prepared them to drink on his return. I fell on the floor crying and my son is now comforting me. Little does he know. I’m in pieces.

Men can and do socialise without drink, the men being written about here however cannot. There is no off switch and they drink for many reasons, the alcohol controls them rather than the other way around. Unless these people want to themselves address why they are drinking as they do (and there are always reasons why) there is nothing you can do to help them. They do not want our help or support, not that you are qualified anyway to give that to them.

Their primary relationship is with drink, it’s not with you or your children. It is a cruel mistress. Love is not enough in such situations.

I also feel for your son here. This is no childhood for him.

Dry your tears and tell your alcoholic that he is no longer welcome in your home. He can go to his mothers, he certainly should not come home. Find your inner strength and seek legal advice on Monday re separating from him.

Oh @Chocochick
I am so sorry, this should be such a happy, celebratory time for you

@mollyblack
Glad your DH stopped drinking. Did you have to stop as well to support him (if indeed you did drink)?

There is another thread running at the moment. The OP’s husband went on a bender at a festival and left their 15 year old ds with ASD alone with no warning. The OP has been awake all night, contacted the police, travelled by train to collect ds. The ‘D’H had turned up by this point and was severely hung over. I don’t think she will leave him, but this could be a insight into your future. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3648740-DH-has-disappeared-and-left-son-at-a-festival?msgid=88870758#

You can’t change another persons behaviour, unless he wants to change you may aswell talk to a wall. It’ll be minimised, flipped into it being your problem not his and he will carry on. Only you can decide if that is the life you want for yourself and your dc. Personally I would choose another life.

I stopped drinking around him initially, but over time and after discussions initiated by him i do occasionally drink around him at social occasions. I'm not a big drinker by any means. It has changed our relationship, and weirdly i do sometimes miss having a partner i can kick back with with a bottle of wine, however it never stopped there and i need to remember that.

@Zofloramummy I guess the only positive in that thread is that the DH recognises he is an alcoholic

Sorry not had a chance to read all the thread but I’m currently divorcing my H due to us being disconnected not working as a partnership and because he has a drink problem that he doesn’t admit! He drinks cans of lager and although he doesn’t get drunk (tipsy some days) he drinks every day starting before the children come home from school on an empty stomach and is regularly consuming over 50 units a week. And that’s a conservative week. I’ve noticed more since I made the decision to split that it’s affected his possibility of being a good day because he doesn’t really do a lot with them in the evening and would usually be asleep by 7.30 on the sofa, he doesn’t share the load with the kids and the running around. And he also isn’t a social drinker he’s not drinking because he enjoys it he drinks just because, he hides away in the kitchen but doesn’t think anything of downing cans in front of the kids. This wAsnt my only reason but it sort of fed into all of the other reasons because drink is more important than his family and he doesn’t see it as a problem. I hope you get some closure whichever way it goes but until he admits it’s a problem you don’t stand a chance xx

Well, I just blurted it all out, calmly but firmly and with all the cold, hard facts of the impact his drinking has had on me and how I felt it was unacceptable for him to drink like this. I also told him how this week has triggered painful memories of the past and said that I could not work on our relationship if he wasn’t willing to stop. Everything that I predicted happened, to a T: denial, accusations of me overreacting, excuses as to why this week was an exception and lies about the amount of drink he’s had, all whilst necking a bottle of wine in front of me as I was pouring my heart out. I talked and talked. He retreated and I just knew what was coming: no recognition whatsoever that there may be a problem and then, he came out with what I knew he would say: that he wanted to separate and that he’s been planning for it for about a year. Complete detachment from emotions and all laid out in the most pragmatic of terms as to how he’ll support me and the kids and move out, etc, etc. We did agree to try to be friends and to leave the option of reconciliation open but it seems unlikely. He is unwilling to change and feels our problems have nothing to do with his drinking.
I am just wondering how to conceal it from my parents. My mother will have a fit and it will all be a tragedy I’d like to avoid so hope all my crying today will mean I can put a face on tomorrow and fake it while they’re here.
We will tell the kids before he moves out. My heart is breaking but I do feel it will be for the best. It’s happened quicker than I’d anticipated but it would have happened anyway so it’s best to start preparing for the future. Thank you for your support! I will probably be posting more as I navigate the ugly waters of separation. I am sad but somewhat relieved.

You're brilliant and brave.
His reaction cements the issue.
Please tell you parents. They love you.

Well he had a choice and he made it. Unfortunately alcohol is his prime motivator, I am sorry OP.

One thing I would say is clear ground rules on no drinking when he has the kids would be vital. If they are unwell, need him and he is too pissed to respond or drive them to A&E (for example) then overnight access would need to be carefully considered as to whether it placed the dc at risk.

@Zofloramummy: that is exactly what I said to him, almost verbatim. He took offence. I still feel it was necessary. We’ve agreed to try to go on holiday together as the boys have been looking forward to it so much but not sure how we can do it, especially with the drinking situation.

@LadyGAgain: Thank you so much. My parents do love me but they’ll be crushed. I need time to process and think of how to broach it. I still can’t believe his pride over not wanting to admit to the problem took precedence over his family but there we are. You can’t force someone to change but you can make changes for you and this is what I intend to do.

Use your relative being here as an opportunity for support. He's a total waste of space in your life & it can only get worse if he doesn't acknowledge the problem & tackle it.

Don't try to hide anything from anyone. Be open about how his drinking has caused havoc in your home, and how he's now choosing alcohol over you, your family, everything. Don't sugar-coat anything. You won't be helping anyoneleast of all yourselfif you do.

And well done for being so brave and honest and true to yourself. It's so sad that he's done this: but you had no choice.

You are brilliant @Chocochick and have managed to do what I've been too scared to do for the past 10 years.

This thread has really made me rethink

I asked him if he would have suggested a separation had I not confronted him about his drinking. He said he would have done in a year or so if things “didn’t improve”. However, the improvements were never going to come from him stopping the boozing so I feel his approach is very immature. We’ve had lots of problems in our relationship lately and I do feel it was bound to happen sooner or later but the pain I feel right now is so raw. He slept on the sofa and was so cold towards me as I wept my heart out. I’d hate to think all men can be like this. I really wouldn’t want my boys so be so closed off emotionally.
In theory we had plans to move to Spain at some point which he said his MBA was for (he has just started it) but confessed the real reason behind it was to become MD and separate in a good financial position. Now all my plans for the future are gone. I will have to stay in the UK. That hurts,
Part of me wants to reach out to him and give him a hug and part of me wants to escape. I am questioning whether I did the right thing. It feels like such a huge loss right now.

Well done for saying how you were feeling, on the day I said something my motivation was the fact I’d been out for dinner with a friend and didn’t come in late but he was fast asleep on the sofa, he didn’t hear me come in so wouldn’t have heard anyone else or the kids. I didn’t plan to separate or end it but once I’d said it, it all made sense and then when he started mocking me when I mentioned his drinking I realised it would never change. I monitored his drinking for the next few weeks and it was a lot worse than I thought. The more I reviewed where we were the more I realised that a lot of how I was feeling stemmed from his drinking. We are now at the point where the divorce is almost complete and he’s due to move out. I know me and the kids will absolutely be fine, and how he chooses to deal with this is his choices. Good luck

His comments to you are really him still not taking any responsibility here.

Do not try and hide anything from anyone. Its not your parents marriage here, its yours so they should support you and put their own feelings to one side here. If she throws a hissy fit it says far more about her than it ever would about you. Your own welfare as well as that of your boys is paramount here, not your mother's feelings (that you should not feel or be responsible for anyway) and she perhaps wanting to make your situation all about her and her feelings. Your marriage is ending mainly and simply because your H's primary relationship is with drink and not with you.

You did the right thing; push ahead with separation and seek your own legal counsel asap. I would not count on your husband to be at all fair re any aspect of you separating from him (I would not put it past him to try and hide financials from you) and being friends as well will likely not work out either. You need a clean break.

If he wants to be bothered with his children as well he can see them in a contact centre on set days (I would not have any informal arrangement with him). A life without him in it day to day is far more preferable in the long run than day to day life with him. Your own recovery from this after all will only start when you are away from him completely.

Please tell your parents. And please consider taking the children on holiday without him. You have a much better chance of having a calm and happy time together without him there.

You've done the right thing. Now stay the course. It will be hard, but there are a lot of people on here (myself included) who have been there and will support you. And believe me, your life without him will be so much better. You will make new plans and build a new future, all without that sick making anxiety about what he's going to do next and how much worse he's going to get.

Do tell your parents honestly. How they react will tell you whether or not you can rely on them - it's best to know. My mum wasn't supportive either, she basically said 'well, maybe if you were kinder to him, he wouldn't drink so much' . But she had alcohol issues of her own, so I took that with several pounds of salt and moved on.

Without you, he's likely to spiral. And no, don't trust him to do right by you. Start putting the financials together yourself and be ready for anything. Just remember there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Wow i kind of want to say congratulations. When i read your last few posts I feel such relief for you. I know this is all awful right now but you will look back and see that this is the time you were very strong and made life better for you and your children. No more lies, no more fearing social events, no more worrying, he is not your responsibility.

I know its easy to say tell your parents when we dont know you or the situation, but this is not a weakness and you need to tell them.

Please don't go on holiday with him. You are allowed to feel sorry for him, this is a horrible situation, but for now its all about you and moving forwards. Take care, you are awesome xxx

Well done OP you've done the hard bit. I am having almost identical issues as you only my DP only does this on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I'd love to get the courage to do what you did. I'm just so scared. I think it'll probably be hard for you at first but as others have said your life will be so much better xx