My mood swings are destroying things

[JessM83]

So really down just now.

At “that” time every month I seem to go crazy for 5/6 days. I just can’t stop myself getting really angry and every time I take it out on my husband.

We all have faults but he really is a great guy. Works full time, does the majority of the shopping and house chores yet this month for example I again have went crazy at him.

It comes on so quick I don’t even see it coming. He went for a shower after work and everything was fine then 20mins later he comes down and I scream at him out the room making lies up that he’s lazy round the house, his family irritate me etc. We then spend couple of days to a week not talking.

Almost every month this happens. He expects an apology every time which makes me more angry as he knows it’s not my fault.

Any suggestions 🙏

Am interested to see whether you get a response to your email, SingleDad.

I find attempts to justify or minimise abuse perpetrated by women just as unsettling as attempts to minimise abuse perpetrated by men. In both cases, the question of whether the perpetrator can manage their moods in public or in work situations is a very pertinent one - it suggests at some level a deliberate choice to lose control only where they fear no real negative consequences for their actions.

I've actually requested MNHQ come onto the thread to answer Dads points publicly because I think they are valid.

samphire my mum had severe PMT (she was sectioned twice)

It ruined our lives. She improved once she had got through the menopause. She never once apologised as she had had a medical diagnosis and felt we should all understand. It was hell. I am the only one of my siblings who has managed to make a good life for myself.

I hope they do come in and respond given that they put themselves in the thick of it by deleting a post. I've had to report a couple of nasty anti-male posts recently myself, MN shouldn't be a place that tolerates this stuff.

I think if several posters "report" Dads posting on the previous page and then in the comment section below ask MNHQ to come on the thread publicly to explain their rationale we may get some answers.

My gut feeling is we won't but I think it's right that we ask.

My mother used menopause as an excuse to yell and scream at me and told me I should just accept it and understand. This went on for years. Only time in my life I have wanted to throw myself under a bus was in the middle of one of her rants.

She later (after years of this) told my brother that the doctor told her she had only just started.

I am not saying that women don’t go through horrific times dealing with hormones. I have cried a lot due to mine. But will never forgive her for years of verbal abused dressed up and excused as a medical issue.

I’m NC now but my brothers report that she hasn’t changed, despite having gone through it and beyond.

OP, you need to do everything in your power to get help for your mood swings. Work out triggers and strategies for your h to do when you are in the middle of them to soften the blow on him. And apologise.

I reported and asked for a response.

In the last few months I have been appalled at posts defending women who abuse.

One thread, the ops mother had an affair and got pregnant with her. The mother divorced her husband but the OM didnt leave his wife. the mother then emotionally abused her daughter for her entire life, because getting pregnant didnt end with the OM leaving his wife for her. Posters felt sorry for the mother, blamed the OM called the mother a victim. The abuse the OP had suffered was awful and she was told she was being harsh on her mother by having contact with her half siblings.

On another thread a longterm poster kept insisting women dont ever abuse their children. Despite posters telling her they had been abused by their mother. Apparantly 'we believe yoi'only applies if the perpetrator is a woman. I am not sure that people get arsey about female abusers when the the victims are men. They seem to object that women can abuse at all.

Several threads about men being abused have turned into 'what about women who are abused by men'. Can you imagine if a woman was talking about being abused and someone waded in with 'what about the men who are abused'?

As the mother of a daughter and son I worry about both getting into abusive relationships. I worry my daughter is more likely to experience one and is more likely to be killed at the hands of a partner. I worry that my ds may suffer abuse and not feel he can leave because of it and have people minimise it and tell him it's not a big deal, it's not the perpetrators fault and he probably did something to deserve it.

Which is another thing i read here. On a thread talking about men suffering low levels abuse (such as not being allowed to go in work parties, have to account for all their spends and generally controlled) is often seen as funny and labelled 'being under the thumb', lots ofbpisters were saying that if me could t go to work parties or go out they had probably done something to deserve it.

Abuse is abuse and we cant reduce and stamp it out until its absolutely seen as unacceptable by everyone, no matter who is doing it.

Abolutely agree with @SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad. Mental Health is NOT AN EXCUSE FOR ABUSE. @CuriousaboutSamphire has told people to fuck off, consistently minimised the abuse the partner has suffered, and has themselves been abusive to other posters. Any abuse is not ok. Mental Health is not an a=excuse for abuse.

What did the deleted post say?

Was it the one that advised a poster have got away with abusing their partner?

My exh raped me. He became paranoid and had a breakdown and became obsessed that I was cheating. I wasnt.

Is the fact that he was suffering with his mental health, an excuse? Wasnt it not rape? Was the controlling behaviour leading up to it not abuse? Because he couldnt control it. He didnt realise he had a problem. He 100% felt he was right and I was cheating. So stalked me, tracked me went through my belongings, used to sniff me when I came in to see if he could smell another man, used to treat me as a fuckwit who couldnt do anything right because it wasnt his way?

Is non of that abuse because he was suffering with his mental health? Should I let him get away with it?

By deleting that post, mn have effectively said they believe its not abuse if the person has a medical issue.

Good to know!

Interested to see any reply to singledad

My own father didn't ask for help with my violent parent because he was ashamed. Anything we can do to protect children, whatever the sex of the parent involved, has to be good.

It still comes down to choice. You make certain choices if you know the consequences are non existent or minimal.

Why does a grown adult need their spouse to drag them to the GP? Are they unable to recognise it is a problem?

It requires individual responsibility and if I was behaving like this for some unexplained reason, then I'd stay away from my spouse during the rages.

If the rages are uncontrollable....they would show up in other parts of life...but you know if you treated a colleague like this, you would suffer the consequences and probably lose your job.

Abuse your spouse = no consequences

So it just continues, as long as the victim is there.

Trying to excuse this abuse would be the same as excusing abuse from men who have PTSD, Depression or been victims of CSA.

I'd be distraught if a DS if mine was married to a woman like this....and I'd encourage him to leave her I'd she didn't address the problem.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3647598-Go-on-then-PMDD

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad

Absolutely brilliant post by you and I agree with it 100%.

Abuse is abuse is abuse.

No excuses. No ifs, no buts or maybes.

No jusjustification
or minimising simply because the abuser is female.

Abuse is never acceptable.

Hi all,
We'll respond to SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad's comments by email.

And also, just to clarify - we removed a post on this thread because it broke our Talk guideline on 'No personal attacks'.

And if you see anything that you think breaks Talk guidelines, please do report it.

Well she's gone off to start another ranting thread about how abuse is ok if you have her condition.

@MichaelMumsnet I think some if us are confused about personal attack.

A poster admitted to verbally and physically abusing her partner. But claiming it's not abuse because she had a medical problem causing it.

How is calling out that actually that is abuse, a personal attack. and yet that poster can tell people to fuck off?

I feel that by deleting a post that you have essentially said that you agree that if you have a medical problem, then it's not abuse and to call it abuse is a personally attack.

Do you realise that most abusers can find a medical issue? Depressions, PTSD, NPD the list goes on and on.

Does that mean that, actually, abuse doesnt happen very often because the majority of abusers have had some trauma and mental health or medical issue?

Well in that case I’d agree she is abusive and also very damaging to those with pmdd who do take responsibility and address their behaviour. Those with genuine pmdd do not at all think their behaviour is okay and believe me, it does show up in other areas if it’s genuine and for me there have been consequences. It’s not an excuse for abuse and those with the condition are responsible for seeking help or finding a way to stop it impacting others.

Dad I'd be very grateful if you share the email you get from MNHQ you've been promised with the rest of us who share your thoughts 100%.

@MichaelMumsnet Is "fuck off" not a personal attack also?

Hi all. Sorry for the quiet this morning - busy day!

Thank you all for the support on this, and I was very sorry to read of the experiences a number of you have gone through - they make for difficult reading, but there's something very powerful in sharing those personal stories. The more we speak out about this, the more we do to create a climate of zero tolerance for any form of abuse.

MNHQ has replied to my email. They have said:

"Hi Richard, and thanks for your email.
We've had a look at the post that was deleted and the reason it was removed was because it broke our Talk guideline on 'no personal attacks'.

We felt that [one] section,
xxxxxxxx
Crossed the line into a personal attack.

We see that you have reposted the points that you wanted to make without breaking the guidelines.

Kind regards,
Michael.
MNHQ"

I haven't replicated the section here, because I'll probably just get deleted again if I do! But it was the section in which I called another poster out on the fact that, although they may not have experienced consequences for their behaviour, that didn't make it okay. (I also said in there that I was pleased they had received the help they needed).

I stand by the view that calling abuse by its name, and pointing out that it is illegal, should not be censored as a "personal attack", and I remain of the view that MN's decision adopts the wrong moderation / editorial position in respect of balancing the needs of victims and perpetratoes of abuse. But I do appreciate that they took the time to respond, even if I am disappointed with that response.

Where I'm not disappointed is in the reaction of all you wonderful people, who have come together to be clear that abuse - any abuse - is never okay.

CuriousAboutSamphire your blatant aggression, and verbally abusing other posters, doesn’t fill me with confidence that you’re any further on than OP is re addressing your abuse of your husband. Certainly you’re not in any position to be trying to defend such behaviour when you yourself are continuing to behave so aggressively. OP is abusing her husband and it stands to reason as another abuser you’d want to defend and justify that rather than facing up to your own problems and admitting you’re abusing your spouse. After all, if you can convince yourself OP isn’t wrong to act how she is at least you can tell yourself you’re not an abuser either. Disgraceful.

I reported Curious's posting that told another poster to fuck off as a personal attack but I see it has yet to be deleted.

Dad I totally disagree with MNHQ on this. Your comment was factual based on the statements made by Curious herself. Interestingly, she is faring no better on her new thread on the subject.

I reported the other thread for being a thread about a thread.

I also pointed out to HQ that deleting a post that calls out abuse as abuse, whilst letting another poster tell people to fuck off doesnt really make sense or adhere to the guidelines.

The thread about a thread, apparantly isnt breaking guidlines because that rule only applies if the thread is about a deleted thread. as this thread is still here, it's not classed and a Thread about a thread.

Despite the fact that MNHQ deleted TAAT all the time, regardless of wether the original is still up.

Smacks of HQ believing abuse isnt abuse of the purportrator has a medical issue. Or is a female with a medical issue. They dont really want to clarify which though.

WHAT? How can they possibly say that isn't a TAAT and leave it standing when you see what other ones get deleted?

Sorry, but there is something very wrong going on here.

I had Prozac for this very reason. I just couldn't control my low moods myself. It saved my sanity and my relationship.