Thank you to all those posters who have called out that the abusive behaviour of the OP towards her partner is not okay. I just wanted to share an email that I have tonight sent to MNHQ, seeking an explanation of the moderation decision made earlier to delete my comment , in which I made the point that, irrespective of medical conditons, abusers are always responsible for their actions.
It may seem unneccessarily awkward to share this email, or even to raise the issue with MNHQ. But we live in a world where male victims of abuse are significantly less likely than women to come forward, and seek help. Much of that is related to societal attitudes towards domestic abuse, which too often dismiss the experience of men. I subscribe firmly to the view that abuse is always wrong, irrespective of whether the offender or victim is male or female. And that, while offenders will always have a reason as why their behaviour was 'justified', society as a whole must always reject domestic abuse, and be clear that criminal behaviour within intimate relationships is wrong. Only that way, can attitudes be changed and we finally remove the scourge of domestic abuse from our society.
So I will continue to call it out when anybody - male or female - acts as an apologist for abusers. And I will always challenge platforms such as Mumsnet when their editorial policies side with the offender, rather than the victim. I am encouraged by the attitude of the majority on this thread, that society as a whole "gets it", and will not defend abusers. It is time for Mumsnet, and other platforms, to do the same.
*Dear MNHQ
I am writing to request an explanation of a moderation decision made today in respect of a comment that I left on the following discussion thread, please:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3646994-My-mood-swings-are-destroying-things?pg=4&order=
The context is that another user had posted a series of comments on the thread that consistently minimised the domestic abuse perpetrated by the female OP against her male partner, on the grounds that the female OP was suffering from a hormonal condition that made her incapable of controlling her behaviour towards her partner. The OP had herself said that her "mood swings" were causing difficulties with her partner, and described behaviour that clearly constitutes domestic abuse under all widely recognised definitions of the term, including those within English law. The commenter @curiousaboutsamphire had described how she suffered from a hormonal issue (PMDD) and had behaved in a way that was abusive towards her then-partner (now-husband), including physical abuse. Happily, she had now resolved her own issues, but consistently adopted a position that minimised the abuse perpetrated by the OP against her own partner, on the basis that the OP could not be held responsible for her behaviour.
I posted a comment that emphasised that, irrespective of any medical conditions that may apply, abuse is a criminal offence, and that it is not helpful to reinforce the OP's view that they are incapable of managing their own behaviour, not to blame for the abuse that results, and therefore absolved of any responsibility for the abuse that they perpetrate.
That comment was deleted following moderation, while a number of aggressive comments from @curiousaboutsamphire, which reinforced the position that a woman suffering from PMDD was not responsible for her own actions, were allowed to stand.
As a male victim of domestic abuse and domestic violence, I find the editorial position adopted by Mumsnet deeply concerning. In deleting a comment that calls out the fact that abuse is never okay, while allowing comments that assert that female perpetrators of domestic violence are not responsible for their actions if they are suffering from PMDD, MMHQ appears to endorse a view that domestic violence towards men is justifiable if perpetrated by a woman with a medical condition.
With 1 in 3 victims of domestic abuse being men (source: British Crime Survey), this is an extremely dangerous viewpoint to endorse. Could you therefore please provide me with an explanation of your moderation decision, specifically covering the following:
- Does MNHQ accept that domestic violence is always wrong, irrespective of whether the perpetrator / victim is male or female?
- Does MNHQ believe that women suffering from PMDD or any other health condition are responsible for abusive behaviours that they perpetrate? Or does MNHQ believe that certain health conditions justify or absolve the perpetrator of domestic violence / abuse of responsibility if they are female?
- Does MNHQ accept the view that victims of domestic abuse - whether male or female - should be supported to leave the abusive relationship if they wish, and should never be blamed for the abuse that they have endured?
- Does MNHQ believe that it is helpful to victims of abuse to perpetuate the view that perpetrators of abuse - whether male or female - are incapable of controlling their own behaviour? This may be because of hormones, uncontrollable anger, the behaviour of the victim (which, in the eyes of the abuser, 'justifies' the abuse), or for any other factor other than the propensity and preference of abusers to abuse?
- If MNHQ believes that perpetrators of abuse - whether male or female - are responsible for their own actions, could you please explain why you felt it appropriate to delete a comment making that point, while allowing comments that perpetuate the view that certain abusers are not responsible for their actions to stand?
I would appreciate a speedy response on this please. I don't wish to be difficult, but it is a serious concern when a major social media platform such as Mumsnet appears to adopt a moderation / editorial position that endorses abusive behaviour towards men if the perpetrator is female and suffering from a medical condition.
I look forward to your response.*