My mood swings are destroying things

[JessM83]

So really down just now.

At “that” time every month I seem to go crazy for 5/6 days. I just can’t stop myself getting really angry and every time I take it out on my husband.

We all have faults but he really is a great guy. Works full time, does the majority of the shopping and house chores yet this month for example I again have went crazy at him.

It comes on so quick I don’t even see it coming. He went for a shower after work and everything was fine then 20mins later he comes down and I scream at him out the room making lies up that he’s lazy round the house, his family irritate me etc. We then spend couple of days to a week not talking.

Almost every month this happens. He expects an apology every time which makes me more angry as he knows it’s not my fault.

Any suggestions 🙏

@foodiefil - so you would accept a man using high testosterone levels as justification for behaving aggressively to his wife?

I wouldn't.

Abuse is abuse. And weirdly, abusers - whether male or female - always seem to manage to control their uncontrollable behaviour when around their boss, or someone else where there might be consequences. Weird, huh?

@foodiefil
Thanks for the condescending remark.
My point is too many women use it as an excuse to be nasty, your comparison doesn’t make it acceptable either way.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad
Exactly, bet she’s not in work screaming insults at her colleagues or in Tesco or on the bus. Same goes for abusive men.

@Bookworm4 @SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad my point is too many people on this thread are dismissing the notion that hormones can cause someone to behave irrationally, angrily, emotionally and so on and so forth. They're incredibly powerful chemicals that are responsible for reproduction, sexual desire, regulating insulin, brain function, mental health issues - basically keeping us alive (or otherwise) yet a WOMAN comes on and describes the impact they're having on her life and there's a chorus of

It IS your fault
You can't blame HORMONES like they aren't as I have described above

As I've also said the OP is the one who should take herself to the doctors - her partner can't do that for her. And I hope she finds the right solution for her but dismissing HORMONES isn't helpful.

@foodiefil
If she can control abusing others but not her DH it is an excuse.

Are you on any medications? I am on some relatively new antidepressants and have noticed same thing recently, just before my period. It's pretty bad, I just hope it doesn't destroy my relationship.

@foodiefil nobody is denying that hormones are powerful things, that have a huge effect on how people feel.

The problem is when people use that as an excuse for how they behave.

Because humans have self control. That's why, as a society, we don't think it's okay for people to go round raping other people just because they have all these immensely powerful sex hormones coursing through their body.

Surely, this isn't so hard to understand?

it’s not my fault

But, it IS your fault. How can you not be responsible and accept him saying that? The way you are treating him is horrendous and had you been a woman describing her husband to be abusive randomly I'm sure every person would be saying LTB.

There is clearly a severe issue here, do you lash out at others too or is all your anger only reserved for your husband? If you continue, he wouldn't even be in the wrong to leave as this level of abuse (yes it is) can wear the strongest and most understanding person. It's not right.

What help have you sought for your behaviour? Surely you've at least discussed this with your GP/Doctor?

Do you even try to control yourself? Do you not take any positive action to remove yourself from the situation when you know you're about to be nasty?

You need help and I sure hope you seek it. You're abusing your husband right now and your hormones are not a valid reason, do something about it.

I had the contraceptive implant and it stopped my periods and the pms. I had it for 4 years and now I seem to be ok. Maybe try that? Also say sorry, pms or not if you are horrible to someone you should apologise.

I think the fact she’s angry he has the cheek to expect an apology says it all?
Self absorbed poor wee woman, women like this are an embarrassment.

If you know it's a problem then you have go and get medical help. You may have to try more than one thing, but you can't allow your behaviour to negatively impact other people.

I have so much sympathy as I have always been the same with my periods and pmt. I use 2 apps, Clue and Hormone Horoscope. Might sound silly but they really do help. Also, I avoid situations where I know I'm going to be hormonal and this stops me ruining relationships and getting into situations which could have been avoided. When you feel it coming, and you do, you MUST listen to yourself and stop, just remove yourself emotionally, call a friend, go for a walk, take a bath, whatever works for you, just do not allow yourself to take it out on your nearest and dearest xx

I agree with tracking them. It can help if you know in advance when it will happen.

But people really shouldn't underestimate the effect of severe PND. I'm not saying it justifies abusive behaviour, but it does act as a conduit for not being able to accurately judge the situation you are in and therefore having a massive overreaction.

He expects an apology every time which makes me more angry as he knows it’s not my fault.

I think this is the kind of thinking shows that it is more than just hormones. What you are doing is totally wrong. We all have been shitty at a partner one time or another but damn right you need to apologise and sincerely too. This isn’t just a once off so why wait until next month. This is your problem not his. Go and speak to the doctor and get it sorted. As others have said do you speak to your boss or people in the street like this? If you have children in the future do they need to grow up seeing this? Your husband will only take so much, he will either look for kindness in another woman or leave. Everyone has their limits.

I completely relate to what you're saying. You can hear yourself saying awful, terrible things but you just don't care. I would start arguments with people for no reason, and once drove 65 miles to argue with my now husband. It started to impact my work and I went to doctors. I was diagnosed eventually as having PMDD

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pre-menstrual-syndrome/

I started taking a low dose antidepressant all month. The hormones can overpower other functions in your system such as serotonin.

Please track your cycle, your mood and be honest in how extreme these swings are. You do also need to apologise to your partner, whilst we can't help it it's not their fault either.

I'm sure if your DH decided he'd had enough and wanted a divorce, you'd change pretty sharpish.

Choice is key here. You choose to do this to your spouse....if you can control it with colleagues and others, you can control it with him.

One of the things that allows abusers to continue is the person on the receiving end putting up with it...because you just don't again and again. Again, he chooses to accept this behaviour from you.

It doesn't matter if it's hormonal or OCD... when it causes you to behave this way...it's abusive...no ifs, not buts, no maybes.

OP...If your child was in a relationship like this would you be happy about it? What would your advice be?

Have you ever sought medical advice for this?

You are using your husband as a scapegoat. I bet you don't treat anyone in your work/social environment with this abuse. You owe your husband a huge apology. You are doing so much damage to your relationship because your husband won't put up with this shit forever. Think on.

Of course it's your fault. It's certainly not his. If you know this is what you get like every month you need to have a look at how you can manage your hormones. I would be seeing a GP or a Naturopath and talking about your options.

I should mention that I used to be like you OP but did something about it.

100% your fault. Your hormones are not a free pass to abuse your husband.

I relate totally. This used to be me. Basically I had undiagnosed Anxiety anyway, and PMT made it much worse.
I now take citalopram which makes everything a million times better - in fact my PMT doesn’t really exist any more!
Good luck.
And some nasty posts from a few posters here. Maybe walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you are so quick to judge. Or, I might rather put it, PMT is OP’s excuse for being a cow sometimes (she says) - what’s yours?!

Well it isn’t his fault is it? It’s yours.

Go and get some help from the GP.

Would it be her fault if she had another chemical imbalance like depression?

Yes. Depressions isnt an excuse to be abusive as well.

I agree with PPs, I bet it's only her partner that she does this too.

OP, of course you should apologise. You dont get to be angry because he wants an apology.

The hormones argument is funny, because if a woman kept going off on one and man said "shit, is your time of the month" or 'hormonal much?', everyone would calling him all sorts.

But a woman a woman displays abusive behaviour and blames her hormones and it's all fine.

I had similar issues so started to track that first stab of irrational irritation. Over 3 months it would appear consistently 7-8 days before my period.

So I started putting a calendar reminder in my phone for 10 days before and would take a magnesium and calcium tablet together with a vitamin B complex every day until my period started. It really did make a difference.

Just to clarify, it’s not the OPs fault that she has PMT.

Her behaviour is her fault and she needs to get urgent help for it, if she wants to stop being abusive towards her partner.