DH who always seems to be ‘in charge’

[checkedcloth]

I’d really welcome some advice. I’d first like to say that’s DH is absolutely not controlling in an abusive sense. This is an issue that I have with him and I’d welcome advice and thoughts on how I can work with him to make it better.

Essentially DH always seems to have the final say on our decisions as a family, whether they are big ones (to move house or not) through to small ones around taking the kids out for a meal. (Dcs are 9 and 7).

I always feel like I’m asking permission for us to do stuff, I feel like I’m the child and feel nervous. For example I wouldn’t dream of saying ‘thought we’d eat our tonight’. I suppose DH doesn’t respond very positively and so in turn I feel nervous suggesting stuff.

Today we received an invite for a weekend away in August that sounds lovely and the DCs would love it. It’s not straight forward to just say yes, I’ll admit that, but we could go as long as we sort a few things out with work etc.

DH was just so negative about it. It was all the reasons why we couldn’t. I found myself asking ‘is it a no then?’ To which he said probably. I just feel like I’m not an equal and we don’t discuss these things like adults.

I’ve brought this up on a few occasions. He makes light of it and says I’m making a big thing If it. But yet I can’t shake this feeling. I’m tired of feeling like I’m a teenager and I’m asking my mum and dad If I can go out!

We are financially comfortable, these things are all affordable to us. We both work full time with me in a more stressful role so it’s not about him being exhausted.

How do I turn this around? It’s slowly starting to eat at me and make me question my marriage.

And to add DH has 2 weekends away with his friends each year usually abroad. He seems to be comfortable in making them happen. It frustrates me that this can do attitude doesn’t extend to us

And tell me again why you're so certain that this behaviour isn't abusive?

Can you go without him? If my DP doesn't want to do things I want to, I do it without him and vice versa.

You shouldn't have to feel nervous about asking for something as straightforward. He is being controlling if you are too nervous to ask!

Given that update yabu not to tell him you and the dc are going. And if he isn't then that's fine...
Where do you go on your dc-free trips??

Nobody is going to hand you your power. Take it.

Is it in every aspect or just in regard to going out ? Does he control all the money? Choose what cars you have ? What clothes you wear ?

He does sound controlling. Who made him the boss?

Sorry to say, I I believe that your 'D' H is ABSOLUTELY controlling in an abusive sense... Time to start thinking about how you really want your future to look, I think.

He sounds controlling. Tell him that your like to go but if he doesn't then he can stay sm you go with the kids. And from now on start making decisions and stop asking his permission.

That is controlling though, you are nervous suggesting a perfectly normal weekend away which is easy to arrange because of his reaction? Go without him and let him like it or lump it and while you’re there consider your options, life is to short to be stuck with a controlling numpty like him

He doesn’t control anything about me in Terms of clothes I wear etc. It’s really not like that.

I could go out if I wanted to, and I do at times. But the opportunities for me to have a weekend away without him are limited. He has a friendship group of men that positively relish this. (They do live a long way away from us though)

I’m not sure what he’d say If I went on my own with the DCs - I think he’d laugh and assume I was making it up

What would happen if you stood upto him? What would he say/do if you said "we're going"? Are you scared of him?

Try reading Anne Dickson “a woman in your own right”. Someone on MN recommended it to me and I bought a 2nd hand copy. Blew me away - brilliant book (but sexual politics are outdated).

I’m not scared of him and I don’t believe there would be any repercussions for me standing up at all. It’s more the fact that the discussion is not adult to adult.

It’s so frustrating that he just refuses to acknowledge that I feel like this and that he is contributing to it.

Today we received an invite for a weekend away in August that sounds lovely and the DCs would love it

What is stopping you saying - "I've thought about it and I'm going to do this - are you coming?"

Don't ask him, tell him. Either he joins in or he doesn't

So, he's a benevolent dictator?

Agree that you have to take the power, but it sucks that you have to. Prepare for life to change- normally people who like control aren't generally happy to relinquish it.

Ok, I'm glad you're not scared. I think then that you just need to start being more assertive!

It's very controlling behaviour, you have to start taking some control back. If he doesn't like it I would say then he is being abusive. Say yes to going away, go alone with the children if necessary.

It’s so frustrating that he just refuses to acknowledge that I feel like this and that he is contributing to it.

He can't control how you feel. If you feel like you are not an equal maybe you need to take control and take some power and stop asking and start telling.

Then you will see if it is a case of him being negative or controlling.

He absolutely is being controlling about this.

Wise people on here say the measure of a man is how he reacts when you say 'no' to him.

What do you think would happen if you disagreed with him on something? How would he react? He's got you nervous. Does he give you the silent treatment?

Would you consider experimenting by following through a suggestion of yours, like a meal out with the kids even if he doesn't join you, to see what his reaction would be?

I suppose I do feel so reliant on him. I have a really senior job and I do really long hours. (NHS) I have a very long commute too. I rely on him around pick ups and drop offs and organising the kids. I’d be stuffed and not able to do my job without that. That makes me feel like I’m
Not an equal really.

So you all have to fall in line because nah he doesn't fancy it ? Do you and your children not deserve a nice weekend. Just go and have fun bugger him I don't know why he thinks he is right and I'm sorry he isn't respectful of your wants or opinions.

Have a look at transactional analysis
He's acting like the parent and you're being the rebellious child. You need to move back to being assertive. Stop asking for permission. If you want to go in August then sort your work out and book it. Or start smaller, don't buy dinner tonight and just say, we're going out. Stop reacting like a child to his controlling behaviour and be assertive about what you want.