DH who always seems to be ‘in charge’

[checkedcloth]

I’d really welcome some advice. I’d first like to say that’s DH is absolutely not controlling in an abusive sense. This is an issue that I have with him and I’d welcome advice and thoughts on how I can work with him to make it better.

Essentially DH always seems to have the final say on our decisions as a family, whether they are big ones (to move house or not) through to small ones around taking the kids out for a meal. (Dcs are 9 and 7).

I always feel like I’m asking permission for us to do stuff, I feel like I’m the child and feel nervous. For example I wouldn’t dream of saying ‘thought we’d eat our tonight’. I suppose DH doesn’t respond very positively and so in turn I feel nervous suggesting stuff.

Today we received an invite for a weekend away in August that sounds lovely and the DCs would love it. It’s not straight forward to just say yes, I’ll admit that, but we could go as long as we sort a few things out with work etc.

DH was just so negative about it. It was all the reasons why we couldn’t. I found myself asking ‘is it a no then?’ To which he said probably. I just feel like I’m not an equal and we don’t discuss these things like adults.

I’ve brought this up on a few occasions. He makes light of it and says I’m making a big thing If it. But yet I can’t shake this feeling. I’m tired of feeling like I’m a teenager and I’m asking my mum and dad If I can go out!

We are financially comfortable, these things are all affordable to us. We both work full time with me in a more stressful role so it’s not about him being exhausted.

How do I turn this around? It’s slowly starting to eat at me and make me question my marriage.

The first time you assert yourself will be hard, but remember you're an adult woman, holding down a responsible job, and you're wanting to go away a weekend - just like he does. He can go with you all, or not. That's it really!

I was a Nervous Nellie around asking for things at work so I know how you feel, but once I'd done it, the next time was easier.

I’m in the same position. He always seems to have the final say on anything but as he is the money earner I have to go along with it 🤷🏼‍♀️
I hate it

Tell him you’re going with the kids. I’d be interested to hear what he replies!

My first H was like this. Sulky, manipulative and financially controlling. Notice the first... Binned that fucker. Life is too short to be forced to never go anywhere or do anything or revolve around someone else's shit hobby

I’d first like to say that’s DH is absolutely not controlling in an abusive sense
AAHHAAA!!????
OK then.
What would you consider controlling?
You need to tell him and not ask.
'Look DH, this weekend away is fab for the DC and me. I've sorted out work and will be taking the DC. Will you be joining us?'
Stop being so passive in your own life.
If he says that 'NO, 'WE' can't go'
Then just repeat 'this weekend away is fab for the DC and me. I've sorted out work and will be taking the DC'
I really hope you can sort this out.
It's not OK that he makes all the decisions.
Could you talk to him about it on and adult level?
Would he agree to go to counselling?
He needs to look as why he treats his equal partner like a child!

My DH said last night:

DH: I’m going to go and watch friend in an event on Sunday
Me: oh really? I can’t be bothered.
DH: I want to go, I’ll take the kids, it’ll be fun
Me: oh right ok.

Now I’ve warmed up to the idea and we’ll all go.

That’s how a reasonable conversation should work. My DH didn’t throw the towel in though.

We met as students and were equal. Now after several promotions he is in high position and managing people. Well now he sometimes tries to manage me like asking me to do something he could do himself without too much effort. I tell him to do it himself.

I had abusive marriage in my past and I am not letting that happen again. We do get small arguments (no yelling) sometimes but that's just normal.

It sounds like you have the more senior role and higher wage which was previously traditionally the male role so he's making up for this by being " in charge " within the home and family & minimising your role in the family - either consciously or unconsciously , Perhaps from jealousy .
He might not even know he's being an arse but it's time for you to stop being the diminutive little lady in the home and step up as an equal , if you say a discussion doesn't work skip discussing and do instead , as a pp said tell him your going with the kids as it looks fun and does he want to come too ? Act with Fate accomplis rather than ask for permission

Ps he's being dreadfully controlling , you must take back control of your own life
Best wishes

I don't think he's necessarily being controlling, I just think that OP is being a bit wet and submissive. Rather than saying 'let's take the kids out tonight' and when he says 'I'd rather stay in' she replies 'we stayed in last night, come on, let's live a little' she's going 'do you fancy eating out?' and then when he, not unreasonably as he's allowed an opinion, says he doesn't fancy it she gives up. For all we know he wishes she'd be more assertive and not leave him to make all the decisions!

I think the weekend away here is a bit of a red herring. I think for anyone, a weekend away is something that might need a bit of discussion and that if one partner really didn't fancy it, perhaps none would go (eg if DH really couldn't do something like this, I might choose not to go because I don't want to go alone).

BUT.... all the other so-called minor stuff i odd. You never get to say you'd like to go out for dinner and make that decision? You can't possibly go away for the weekend without him?

The first is just odd and easily tested. Next time he says no, tell hi that you and the DC want to so you're going anyway. He's welcome to stay home if he really doesn't fancy it. See how he responds.

The going away for the weekend is, I'm guessing, because both of you have slipped into this idea whereby if he's doing childcare because your' at work, that is his share of the solo childcare. So, you can't take a weekend off because he has already had the kids for xx hours per week while he's doing school run, evenings or whatever. I see this happen all the time with different drivers:

In my case, I feel guilty that I don't see the kids as much as I'd like so I'm fare more likely to choose to either work or be with them than get time alone. It irritates me intensely but it is in no way DH's fault as he is always trying to encourage me to take more time for myself and if I do, he's always supportive.

In SIL's case (I think she's more like you), she can't take any time for herself because her DP has convinced her he is doing her a favour but accommodating her working hours, even though she earns 90% of their household income. So she is either at work, or looking after their DS. He pretty much refuses to look after their DS alone UNLESS she's working. he's a prick.

How can you not be his equal when you work long hours in a more senior role FFS! .He is being controlling and unpleasant to you .Surely you could say I and the children will be going, thought youd like to come too?.If he says No say well we re going anyway !.This is low level abuse .Asfar as pick ups etc are concerned ,there are CM after school clubs and son on .Surely he depends on you and your wages too!

It's awful that you say he would probably laugh and disbelieve you if you said you were going anyway. Do you not go anywhere without him? Tell him you're going and have a lovely weekend with your dc.

ImaKitchenSink I’m in the same position. He always seems to have the final say on anything but as he is the money earner I have to go along with it 🤷🏼‍♀️
I hate it*

Plan on how you can be more in control- earn your own money and tell your DH that you are a team, and you want him to start recognising that!

Why cant you go without him?

You has fallen into a pattern where your DH takes a dominant role and you a passive one. You can't blame it all in him "treating you like a child" if you don't behave like an adult. He may "punish" you by being passive aggressive or suddenly being unavailable to pick up the kids so I think you need to line up some alternatives for childcare etc. to prevent you being controlled. You need to rebalance the power dynamic.

It's strange that you say you're reliant on him...yet they're your DC and his.

Sounds like you think he's doing you a favour by looking after your DC.

In your position, I'd just let him know it was a nice opportunity and something fun for the summer...I'd let him know I would liok into making arrangements and take the DC.

One of the things I hated living at home was having strict parents. Always having to ask if I could go out and often being told no.

I couldn't take that restriction, perceived or otherwise in a marriage or relationship. If I decide I'm off to New York next week, I'd be going. I'd rather be single than live like that.

You sound very familiar to me. Does he have lots of 'hobbies' which include posing ?

My DH makes all the money as I am recovering from cancer. He never questions how I spend money, in fact I do most of the money management.

I’m not sure what he’d say If I went on my own with the DCs - I think he’d laugh and assume I was making it up

That’s a bit sad to read. Go on this weekend- fix the things you can do it works out. Then he can come or not as he wishes.

With the general stuff - meals out etc - who controls the money and how do you run your budget? In my house either of us can suggest and either of us can veto, but we’d only veto if it was because we couldn’t afford it and we’d already spent out eating out funds or knew there was an expensive time coming up. But we discuss joint priorities. In reality I’m more likely to say “we can’t afford that today” but I’m not stopping my DH making decisions and I’d be horrified if he thought so.

So it might go:

DH: Let’s go out for Sunday lunch.

Me: Not sure we can afford to if we’re going to X on Friday as well.

Then DH will say “Yeah, suppose you’re right” or “I know but it’s such a nice day and we could go to X pub by the river that does Y ...” or whatever and I’ll agree

If you are 100% sure he won't hurt you or do anything extreme then the only way to take back your power is to be willing to suck up anything negative he might do if you behave in a way he doesn't approve of and back that up with being willing to walk out if he starts treating you badly. If he is a decent person then he might sulk or moan a bit but will back down once he sees you won't take it anymore, but if he ramps up the nasty reactions then he is not a decent person and you would be right to leave him.

I’m not scared of him

Good. Tell him that you fancy it so will be going with the kids. He can either enjoy the house to himself for the weekend or decide to join you.

Try it on for size.

I think the weekend away here is a bit of a red herring. I think for anyone, a weekend away is something that might need a bit of discussion and that if one partner really didn't fancy it, perhaps none would go (eg if DH really couldn't do something like this, I might choose not to go because I don't want to go alone)
I also agree with this pp this is something you would normally talk over but it's the fact you feel you have to ask permission rather than that you would be discussing it as a partnership.

How is your relationship with your father? You sound a bit like I used to be. My father always made me feel unimportant and my needs were second to his and my brother's. I learnt to behave similarly with lots of men, as if I was subservient or looking for their approval. I was a little frightened of my farther - not physically but probably emotionally. He often ruined events if he didn't want to go to them.

It took me a long while to realise that my wishes were just as important as the man in my life. Now I'm with somebody who I feel treats me as an equal and I behave as an equal. If he wants to do things that I really don't want to do he does them on his own/ with others who do want to do that. The same for me. Well often do things for each other if neither of us feel strongly either way but one really wants to do something.

I'm off to Morocco later in the year with a girlfriend as my partner wouldn't want to go there. He is delighted for me to go with someone who does want to go.

We do plenty of things together that we both love.

When previously married with young children I would take them away without their Dad if he didn't want to go - he wasn't quite so nice about it (hence the ex) but I would not let him stop me doing the things I wanted to do with the kids (within financial reasons).

Say yes to the weekend. If he misses out on a fab time then maybe next time he will want to go and enjoy his children and family time.

Just because you are married it should not stop you doing things you both enjoy together/separately or as a family.

I'd organise for yourself and the DC to go and say 'We're going, I think the kids will have a ball - I'll leave it up to you whether you want to come too or not'

Have you ever stood up to him or just made a decision? Apologies if this upthread already.

If the answer is no, the you are deferring to him for decisions and he is making them. If you don't like it stop doing it.