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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH who always seems to be ‘in charge’

105 replies

checkedcloth · 24/07/2019 14:32

I’d really welcome some advice. I’d first like to say that’s DH is absolutely not controlling in an abusive sense. This is an issue that I have with him and I’d welcome advice and thoughts on how I can work with him to make it better.

Essentially DH always seems to have the final say on our decisions as a family, whether they are big ones (to move house or not) through to small ones around taking the kids out for a meal. (Dcs are 9 and 7).

I always feel like I’m asking permission for us to do stuff, I feel like I’m the child and feel nervous. For example I wouldn’t dream of saying ‘thought we’d eat our tonight’. I suppose DH doesn’t respond very positively and so in turn I feel nervous suggesting stuff.

Today we received an invite for a weekend away in August that sounds lovely and the DCs would love it. It’s not straight forward to just say yes, I’ll admit that, but we could go as long as we sort a few things out with work etc.

DH was just so negative about it. It was all the reasons why we couldn’t. I found myself asking ‘is it a no then?’ To which he said probably. I just feel like I’m not an equal and we don’t discuss these things like adults.

I’ve brought this up on a few occasions. He makes light of it and says I’m making a big thing If it. But yet I can’t shake this feeling. I’m tired of feeling like I’m a teenager and I’m asking my mum and dad If I can go out!

We are financially comfortable, these things are all affordable to us. We both work full time with me in a more stressful role so it’s not about him being exhausted.

How do I turn this around? It’s slowly starting to eat at me and make me question my marriage.

OP posts:
cranstonmanor · 24/07/2019 14:48

You want to go, the kids want to go, he won't stop you from going, what's the problem then? Just go!

Mrsjayy · 24/07/2019 14:49

So you don't want to rock the boat would he make life difficult ?

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/07/2019 14:49

Accept the invite, if he doesn't want to come to say you will go without him. Don't discuss just state clearly what you are doing. His reaction will tell you a lot about how controlling he actually is? Have you ended up with a family that revolves around his needs and wants?

koolaider · 24/07/2019 14:50

Walking on eggshells is a sure sign of abuse OP. You're effectively being shut down and controlled.

flametrees · 24/07/2019 14:50

This is so similar to my life.
We only do things that Dh decides.
Yesterday eve I suggested that we no drink at an event he has arranged for us on Friday so we won't stay all night. As it is we are driving five hours to get there and spending the weekend there as he wants to go.
So this morning he wouldn't answer me when I said good morning.
When I car downstairs he launched into a tirade of how useless I am. I never come up with stuff and am trying to ruin the stuff he comes up with. And that he was going to go without me this weekend and take the kids.
This from one comment.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 24/07/2019 14:50

So you suspect that he will refuse to do childcare if you don't do as you're told? Is that it?

Whisky2014 · 24/07/2019 14:51

Id just say "Oh, I think it sounds good so I will go".

Mrsjayy · 24/07/2019 14:54

Id just say "Oh, I think it sounds good so I will go"

is what I would do.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/07/2019 14:55

Broach the subject again. But this time is nstead f listening to his negativity and that he ‘probably’ won’t go. Simply say ‘I’ve been thinking about this invite, I know you’re not keen. So I’ve arranged to go and I’ll take the dc as I really fancy it and I know the dc will have fun’

Whisky2014 · 24/07/2019 14:55

i rely on him around pick ups and drop offs and organising the kids. I’d be stuffed and not able to do my job without that. That makes me feel like I’m Not an equal really

This doesn't make sense. If he didn't do it, you don't give up a job, you look for ways around it. It's not just your responsibility to sort kids drop offs!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/07/2019 14:56

Just because you rely on him for childcare, doesn’t mean he has the final say elsewhere. I presume your senior role comes with a senior salary that he’s happy to benefit from? Try thinking if it that way.

Mishappening · 24/07/2019 14:56

Why ask: "Is it a no then?" You are casting yourself in the role of supplicant.

Just say to him "Well I am keen to do it, but perhaps you should give it a miss if you are not keen." Say it calmly and unemotionally; just as he does when he is telling you he is off for his weekends with friends. And go! - and enjoy it!

LizzieSiddal · 24/07/2019 14:58

I rely on him around pick ups and drop offs and organising the kids. I’d be stuffed and not able to do my job without that. That makes me feel like I’m Not an equal really.

Are they his children too? If so he’s just being a father.

Has he ever said he wouldn’t pick the dc up if you don’t do as he says?

LizzieSiddal · 24/07/2019 15:02

Also I can relate to this a little as I usually talk to Dh about something, if he’s not keen I used to assume we weren’t doing it.
When I started to say things like “Well, I’ll go anyway”, he just responded with “great”.

I realised all this is because of my relationship with my father, whose word was law. We were never allowed to challenge his opinion on anything!

So OP try telling your H that you are going in Aug, with the dc.

sillysmiles · 24/07/2019 15:02

i rely on him around pick ups and drop offs and organising the kids. I’d be stuffed and not able to do my job without that. That makes me feel like I’m Not an equal really

Are they his kids? In which case he isn't doing you a favour but looking after his kids.

PhDone · 24/07/2019 15:05

Yikes...
In our house (no kids) this would go:
me: X has invited me to go to Y, and I'd like to, what do you think.
him: I don't really want to go sorry
me: ok then, don't forget to feed the cats

Cherrysoup · 24/07/2019 15:07

Ask him why he's said no and say you really want to go. If he still dicks about, tell him you're going and taking the kids, he doesn't need to come. Why is he making all the decisions?

badgermushrooms · 24/07/2019 15:08

I rely on him around pick ups and drop offs and organising the kids. I’d be stuffed and not able to do my job without that. That makes me feel like I’m
Not an equal really.

Can you imagine in a million years a man thinking like this?

This website is full of women whose husbands/partners just expect them to do everything while they work long hours - somehow in those relationships the men are still "in charge" and everyone else scrambles to fit in around them. This is because in their situation and yours everyone is working on the assumption that childcare is a woman's job and any male assistance is a favour.

I honestly think that if you want to change the dynamic, you should go on this weekend away without him. If he doesn't want to go, fine, but there's no reason you should miss out.

Original poster
checkedcloth · 24/07/2019 15:20

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I really do appreciate it and I’m sorry to hear that some of you are in a similar position.

Yes they are his DC’s, and I know what you mean about the equal responsibility of childcare. In fairness I don’t think for a second he would threaten to not do it, it’s more my issue of feeling so reliant.

I suppose our family does fit around him. Weekends are often planned around football he would like to watch.

I suppose I feel like I ‘use up’ any freedom based on his flexibility around my job rather than for me personally.

I completely agree that this is parent / child - I’ve just done a course around transactional analysis and I do recognise myself in that. I really do need to learn to assert myself

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 24/07/2019 15:23

If he suggests something and you don't want to do it do you voice that? Would he say 'ok we won't bother then' if you didn't want to do whatever thing?

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 24/07/2019 15:28

My MIL once said to me that I was lucky my DH (her son) allowed me certain freedoms. Turns out her Exdh (my FIL) never allowed her to go out without him, etc.

I was surprised, since his 2nd wife was enjoying every freedom I was. It dawned on me that FIL is a bully, but his 2nd wife just didn't allow him to bully her. They are still very happily married 30 years later.

FIL is not the type of man I would want to be married with, MIL was definitely a 'victim' of life. 2nd Wife, very much was not. I'm not saying you are a victim. But take control. See how it goes. If you're not scared, then maybe you have just fallen into this pattern and rightly of wrongly your DH has got used to it. Like with any other habit.

All you can do is change how YOU react.

And obviously, if he reacts really badly to you taking charge for once, then you know it's not you and he is actually controlling.

Mrsjayy · 24/07/2019 15:39

Start by saying I really fancy taking the kids to this thing in August it is fine if you don't want to come but I do.

Tavannach · 24/07/2019 15:42

He's acting like the parent and you're being the rebellious child. You need to move back to being assertive. Stop asking for permission. If you want to go in August then sort your work out and book it. Or start smaller, don't buy dinner tonight and just say, we're going out. Stop reacting like a child to his controlling behaviour and be assertive about what you want.

^This.

AnneElliott · 24/07/2019 15:59

He sounds awful. Just tell him you're going with the kids and he can choose whether to come along or not.

Ridiculous that you feel nervous about saying anything.

motherofcats81 · 24/07/2019 16:14

He doesn’t control anything about me in Terms of clothes I wear etc. It’s really not like that.

This is so often cited by women as a reason their partners are not really controlling. It's really not about that.

Most controlling men are not so obvious as to say "don't go out", they use far more subtle, manipulative means, such as guilt, and sulking, or just making it super difficult every time you do want to do something contrary to what they would like. My ex for example was absolutely horrified if I ever suggested he didn't like me going out with my friends - he wasn't "that guy" in his mind - it just so happened he found another reason to be horrible to me and make my life miserable every time I did. So eventually I stopped so much because it just wasn't worth the trouble.

I am not saying your husband is abusive necessarily as I don't know the full story - I'm just saying you shouldn't think it always comes in the most obvious forms. You should be able to tell him you are doing something rather than being nervous, you shouldn't feel that you owe him so much for parenting (remember he is reliant on you too) and it might be worth questioning why you feel these things.