DH who always seems to be ‘in charge’

[checkedcloth]

I’d really welcome some advice. I’d first like to say that’s DH is absolutely not controlling in an abusive sense. This is an issue that I have with him and I’d welcome advice and thoughts on how I can work with him to make it better.

Essentially DH always seems to have the final say on our decisions as a family, whether they are big ones (to move house or not) through to small ones around taking the kids out for a meal. (Dcs are 9 and 7).

I always feel like I’m asking permission for us to do stuff, I feel like I’m the child and feel nervous. For example I wouldn’t dream of saying ‘thought we’d eat our tonight’. I suppose DH doesn’t respond very positively and so in turn I feel nervous suggesting stuff.

Today we received an invite for a weekend away in August that sounds lovely and the DCs would love it. It’s not straight forward to just say yes, I’ll admit that, but we could go as long as we sort a few things out with work etc.

DH was just so negative about it. It was all the reasons why we couldn’t. I found myself asking ‘is it a no then?’ To which he said probably. I just feel like I’m not an equal and we don’t discuss these things like adults.

I’ve brought this up on a few occasions. He makes light of it and says I’m making a big thing If it. But yet I can’t shake this feeling. I’m tired of feeling like I’m a teenager and I’m asking my mum and dad If I can go out!

We are financially comfortable, these things are all affordable to us. We both work full time with me in a more stressful role so it’s not about him being exhausted.

How do I turn this around? It’s slowly starting to eat at me and make me question my marriage.

A quote “Emotional safety, like emotional connection, is built through the process of attuning. When a woman makes a bid for your attention, when she reaches out to you emotionally and you meet her reach, this demonstrates your trustworthiness and emotional safety. If you shut her down, ignore her, or otherwise don’t attune (especially when she is upset) she will not feel safe with you emotionally nor will she feel safe to be herself with you.”

Perhaps he feels like he is being a man by making decisions about things. If you earn more than him perhaps he is uncomfortable with that, and decision making makes him feel better, even if he’s never expressed such feelings? Or he’s trying to make decisions for you as he knows how tired you are working long hours and doesn’t realise your feelings differ this time. Whatever the reason, when I’ve had problems like this I try and talk to my other half about them. Calmly. Rationally. Unemotionally. Kindly. Explaining what you’ve told us about how much you’d like to go, your limited options compared to his to get away for some down time, and while you see his point about the issues he raised, these can be overcome by a b and c, but if he prefers to stay at home you understand and you might go yourself etc. In my experience these niggling things in relationships surface at some point and it’s probably better to deal with them earlier to prevent resentment building. He may be fine once you talk as it’s never crossed his mind you may want to go more than he does, or that your feelings differ from his on this subject. This may be nothing to worry about and a conversation will clarify things. Communication is the key to most things I think, certainly in my life!!

I feel a bit like you do. My husband earns the money (I’m a sahm caring for our disabled children). He grew up with a single mother and she was very much a man’s woman who used to let my husband make all her decisions. He’s quite opinionated and I grew up with a very difficult mother who was very unsupportive. If she didn’t like what I was doing she’d freeze me out so I’ve grown up to be a people pleaser. Ive noticed I don’t push my husband on things as I’m scared of his reaction. If I express an opinion different to his I’m scared of how he will react.

I’d test the water and suggest going on your own. If he’s happy to go away for weekends with his friends I can’t think he’d mind if you went to an event. Good luck.

Start making decisions for yourself op. Go to this event that you want to.

I appreciate it's hard if you're not uses to it, but goodness me, stand your ground and just go..take them out for dinner, take them away for the weekend, go away on your own. I have a husband who earns far more than me, I've never asked permission for anything ever. I present him with what's happening, he joins or doesn't.