Wife wanting 2nd child

[Risingkilt]

Our first child is nearing 3 and my wife has become broody beyond measure.
However I am unsure, to the point of deciding I do not want a second.

We were discussing the possibility of another child the other night, which resulted in a distressing avenue of my wife basically saying she might have to go elsewhere if I am not willing to have another child.
Beyond the emotional blackmail, I’m floored that she can even contemplate destroying what I thought was a happy home and have I no idea where to go from here or even how to discuss it, when that is where her train of thought is.

Tricky. about 2 or 3 is the time when this kicks in IME.

if you dont want another child at the moment then can you not say " i'm not ruling it out, i love you - can we revisit this next year"

apart from diversion for the short term, i do not have an answer

Perhaps she wasn't saying it to blackmail you, perhaps she was just saying it because that's the only way that you both get what you want. You don't want another child and she does, assuming you both feel strongly about this then in order to have another child her only way is to have the child with someone else.

You saying that she is 'destroying a happy home' is also emotional blackmail btw, it's not a happy home unless the whole family are reasonably happy.

It’s selfish of her to be throwing threats like
That around for me.

That’s a very difficult situation. Did you and your wife talk about how many kids you wanted before you had your first? Not that that means you can’t your mind later. I think that’s very cruel of your wife to threaten to leave you unless you have a second child with her. Is it very out of character for her to be so unkind?

Are you normally able to discuss things with one another reasonably? Might she be open for counseling? It’s a pretty huge problem and not one that will go away unless you both resolve it.

In the meantime I hope you are not relying on her to use contraception.

I wasn't trying to imply that you are making her unhappy btw, it reads badly when I read it back. What I meant was whichever outcome happens it won't be a happy home because either you stay with one child and she's miserable or you have a second and you're miserable. There isn't really a compromise there, which is how it usually works in a marriage, you would normally both come to an agreement that isn't necessarily ideal for both but works well enough. But in this case there's no compromise available, you can't have half a baby.

I purposely didn’t say the “destroying home” to her, I wasn’t wanting to irritate the situation further.

But when the alternatives are to stay together and have a 2nd baby, or we spilt so she can have another.. I would say there’s an element of blackmail.
Anyways semantics.

How do you figure it's blackmail?
What number of children did you agree to have when you got together?

I'd hands down leave my husband if he told me he was one and done. I've been explicit I want more than one. It's not blackmail to me - she probably feels you're destroying the marriage yourself if she feels like she can't give up the need to have two children, or suffer resentment of you for the rest of her life. It's hard to know what she actually feels because we aren't her.

Would you prefer it if she didn't mention the option and just left you one day instead. Yes it's a harsh thing to say, but if it matters to her that much then you have a right to know how strong her feelings are. You are equally entitled to your own feelings of not wanting another child.

What number of children did you agree to have when you got together?

You are allowed to change your mind about how many kids you want. It’s rare to understand what having kids actually involves until you have them.

Rtmhwales Did you tell you husband before you had kids that you would leave him if he changed his mind over how many kids he wanted?

She sounds pretty desperate and I agree that shes being unkind with her threats.
When I wanted my second child, my husband said he wasn't ready for a second child "yet". He wantee to wait a few more years. I was insistent and got what I wanted in the end.
I feel guilty sometimes and probably because of this I'm more lenient with my husband and I do most of the childcare. Is there any way you could strike an agreement to have a second child but your partner would take more responsibility for it until its more independent? The early years are very tough. You may be realy thrilled in the end to have another one!
On the other hand it could be a disaster for your partner if you end up unhappy with a second child.

Can you say why you dont want a 2nd child now. Is it financial...?? Or are you happy as things are just with 1 ?? You having really given any context or reason why you dont want another child.

Blackmail or just how she feels?

Look it's so tough, but ultimately she will forever regret not having a second child because she strongly wants one. You either compromise or let her go

The urge to have children is something men can’t understand. I think blackmail is an inaccurate description. She’s trying to convey to you how desperate she feels, in a way you might understand.

You are not willing to compromise at all (having one more than you want), whereas to stay with you she will have to (having at least one less than she wants).

My guess is she will resent you for this.

@GrabbyGertie normally we can discuss everything. Might be heated/shouting and cold shoulder for day, but we always work it all out rationally in the end. So yes, I would say this is out of character which is potentially why it’s floored me.

@Rtmhwales
We never agreed a number, it was a possibility, but never fully discussed/decided upon.
I can appreciate that this matters to her so much on a fundamental level, but to the detriment of our first child’s home life? and obviously, I of course don’t want her to resent me for the rest of my life! That would ruin all of our lives.

@blackamericano fair comment. I would def like to know and have the opportunity to talk/work through it.

I would have felt the same as your wife

Why do you feel this way?

I dont think she's trying to blackmail you on purpose, or at all tbh. Obviously she has a strong desire for another child and from your post it sounds that you're more than happy being a father of 1. Neither of you are in the wrong for wanting different things. I mean she probably could have worded what she said to you a lot better but I get what she's trying to say which is that she feels its pointless for you both to continue with the relationship if you're not on the same page. I think you need to sit down together and have a good chat about what's been said and take it from there.

I think it’s wholly selfish not to give your child a sibling. They get so much from a sibling and will continue to long after you and your wife have died. Everyone single child I have ever met has longed for a sibling, why would you deprive your child of a playmate throughout their childhood. I think that you shouldn’t have any children rather than one it’s so selfish. It’s certainly not for the child’s benefit that you have bought them into the world and then want to stop at one, it was for your own selfish reasons. I wouldn’t inflict being an only child on anyone.

Your wife’s hormones will be very strong and a child will be all she thinks about. I was desperate for a fourth child after having had 3 and I mean desperate. After the 4th my hormones were fine. Everyone is different but You are only thinking of yourself and not your wife or child.

I don't understand why you think it is worse for her to say she wants another child than for you to say you don't. The urge for children is a strong one. You don't need to change your mind but you do need to accept that in reality the choice is have another child or become a divorced single parent. She has laid out the choice for you to make.

I would have resented you forever

@hadthesnip2 finances are always a concern, childcare has floored us and we’ve only just scraped by.
I love our child to bits and feel we have a fab life, and thrilled at the vibrancy a 3 year old has for the world.
As was mentioned the first years are rough, we were particular rough with a illness, coupled with a terrible sleeper (3-4h a night).
@Tsubasa1 I don’t think that could work, maybe... it’s something to def talk about, but I don’t think I could do it. not being fully involved and not doing my share would not sit with me, I would always want to do more.

Are you an only child? If so did you miss not having siblings? If you weren’t would you have preferred to have been? Or did you enjoy siblings? Think about how your child may feel being an only child? I certainly prefer having my siblings and not to have been an only child.

As regards your wife, she is only being honest, as you are, about her feelings and it’s a bit mean, in fact downright nasty, that you are saying you are floored she can contemplate destroying what you thought was a happy marriage when in fact it could also be considered that your stance could be destroying what she thought was a happy marriage, she doesn’t deserve to take all the blame for this

I'm amazed posters are so sympathetic towards your wife. How can what she said be anything other than blackmail. It's a really nasty manipulative thing to say. You would think any decent mother would put her existing child first. Or does her desire to have another baby trump her daughters right to live in a household that INCLUDES her father.

I totally get that burning 'need' to have children but you can't make that more important than all the other members of the family.

My desire for another baby would never be greater than my desire for my existing children to grow up in a happy home with both their parents.

Can you imagine what the response would be if a man said to a woman that he'd go and have a baby with someone else if she didn't give him another child?

Why is it acceptable this way round?

So you think that she's wrong to consider separating in order to be happy. But you are also making a decision and holding to it even if it causes your marriage to break down. So I'm not seeing that there is actual fault on either side. When people divorce because of 'irreconcilable differences' this is the sort of difference that they mean. Either one or other of you is miserable and you stay together, she doesn't want to be the miserable one and neither do you, or you both try for another stab at happiness with someone who's family plans are better aligned with what each of you wants.

Threads like this expose the anti-men attitude seen so often on MN.
Op, your wife is blackmailing you.