Wife wanting 2nd child

[Risingkilt]

Our first child is nearing 3 and my wife has become broody beyond measure.
However I am unsure, to the point of deciding I do not want a second.

We were discussing the possibility of another child the other night, which resulted in a distressing avenue of my wife basically saying she might have to go elsewhere if I am not willing to have another child.
Beyond the emotional blackmail, I’m floored that she can even contemplate destroying what I thought was a happy home and have I no idea where to go from here or even how to discuss it, when that is where her train of thought is.

@Karwomannghia

A baby that isn’t wanted by both parents isn’t a wonderful addition to the family.

Her desire to have a baby doesn’t trump his to not want one.

Having a child when both Barents are on board is what leads to marital problems and divorce in many cases.

As people have said, and some of the responses confirm this, I think your marriage is doomed. She won’t get over it if you insist on no more. You’ll be pissed if you think you’ve been forced into it. For that reason I’d stick to your guns as the chances are you’ll split and will be the stereotypical weekend dad. Ok I’m making the last bit up as not all custody arrangements end this way but do think some things can’t be compromised without some giving in and feeling resentful. As has been said you can’t have half a baby. Even if number 2 arrives and you love the kid to bits I’m not sure i could trust someone who said she’d fuck off for someone else unless I caved into their demands. This is not a go at the woman. Just that there isn’t a solution which you’ll both be happy with

I don't think that there are any right or wrong answers here. Neither of you are unreasonable to want what you want. She should not try to force you to have a child that you don't want, but if she is unable to accept your decision, that's fair enough too.

What I find incomprehensible are the suggestions that you should have a second child for the sake of your first, and that it would somehow be selfish to deny your older child the experience of having a sibling. Do people not realise that sibling relationships don't always work out as intended? And how can anyone honestly believe that having a half sibling would genuinely compensate for the breakup of your parents' relationship and having to split your childhood 50/50 between two different homes? I think some people massively overestimate the value that a sibling might add and underestimate the damage that a sibling might do. There is no way on earth that I'd give up half of the time that I have with my dd for the sake of a hypothetical child who didn't even exist!

And as for the mum mum of four kids on this thread who talks about how selfish it is to have an only child, do you not see the irony in that statement? Surely, given the environmental impact, having so many kids is one of the most selfish things that you could do!

Since I clearly said ‘she feels’ as in trying to explain the wife’s feelings in a subjective way.

You’re right, it’s the other way round, not wanting another always seems to trump wanting one. Why is that the default way on these threads?

And not having another if one desperately wants another can also lead marital problems and resentment and forced silence on the matter, usually the woman.

You are both right. She gets to say if she wants more kids and you get to say if you don’t. I don’t think she’s emotionally blackmailing you at all. She’s been totally honest about her needs and feelings. That’s to be applauded. Everybody should be like that. You are now completely aware of how she feels and you get to make decisions based on that. You don’t have the right to decide her fertility just as she doesn’t have the right to decide the number of kids you should father. Marriage is about communication. It should also be about compatibility. She wants things that you don’t therefore you are no longer compatible and if you aren’t both getting your needs met you should split. It doesn’t have to be dramatic or antagonistic. She then gets the opportunity to meet somebody who will have more children with her or she can go it alone and you get the opportunity to meet somebody who doesn’t want children. I really don’t see the issue here. Time to stop being over emo or accusatory and go your separate ways. You simply say “I don’t want what you want so let’s call it a day. Thanks so much for the great times and I hope you find what you want” then you can parent as friends to everybody’s benefit. I have plenty of friends who are doing this and everybody’s happy. You can’t force your wife to stay in a one child only family unit and neither should you. You also shouldn’t think badly of her for fully laying her cards honestly on the table. If more people did that then the world would be a better place

Her desire to have a baby doesn’t trump his to not want one

You’re absolutely right.

But her subsequent desire to end the marriage is also perfectly reasonable.

And what happens if you agree, you have a second, and she then says she wants a third and if you don't have one she'll leave and have one elsewhere?

Wonder how she'd really feel if she follows through, leaves, finds another man to have another child with and sees the first child heading off to dad's every weekend from Friday night to Monday morning?

Or how would she feel if YOU ended up as primary parent and SHE only got to have her first child at weekends?

Is every weekend really a thing? I'm not divorced but I wouldn't be at all happy sacrificing every weekend, I thought every other was more normal. I think I could live with dc away every other weekend to be honest

Percy All the couples I know one of the parents (usually dad) has the kids from Friday after school to Sunday night or occasionally school on Monday. Your response is interesting - surely it's about what is in the best interest of your child, not you? If you choose to split up an existing family, you have to accept you will become a part time parent to those children. If you then have children with your new partner, will your existing part-time children feel resentful of the new children who are full-time?

Conversely all the couples I know (including me!) work on an EOW schedule.

Neither myself or the dad are “part-time parents”.

It wouldn't be in my dcs best interests to not spend any weekends with their mother, especially as I plan more stuff for them to do than their dad does. Would he get them for holidays too, and I just do the drudgery of school with them?
I see you are getting at the choice of the OP's wife to (potentially) break up their marriage, but you could also see it as the OP's choice to break it up. It is as normal as anything to want children when you marry someone, if you don't want that or have a limit of one you really should discuss that with your future spouse before you marry. Minds can change obviously but it is hardly unreasonable for a woman to assume that if their husband is happy for her to have a child, with the massive alterations that leads to in her life, that he will be happy to have a second, which is far less of an upheaval.

I would also not want my kids away every weekend if I were not with DH. It wouldn’t be in anyone’s best interest.

We were discussing the possibility of another child the other night, which resulted in a distressing avenue of my wife basically saying she might have to go elsewhere if I am not willing to have another child.

OP was this the first time you mentioned this? If this was the first time you’ve actually said you don’t want another child, don’t you think your wife is going to be shocked and wondering how she married the wrong person? Even if you’ve been subtlety sowing seeds of discontent, you’ve described her in your own posts as broody and wanting child 2, she is not emotionally blackmailing toy, she’s emotionally overwrought and her world has turned upside down.
Yes the partner who doesn’t want another child gets to have the deciding vote, but the other partner can walk with their feet. It may not always work out but some people would think it’s better to leave and try fir more children than to resent their partner for the rest of their life and ruin the marriage that way.
You need to give her time and possibly counselling so she can weigh up the 2 sides. One conversation is NOT enough when there is no compromise.

Realistically I'm not sure how easy it will be for her to click her fingers and sind some other bloke to inseminate her.

While she may assume that she will just be relinquishing every other weekend many more dad's these days co-parent quite successfully. One of my friends alternates between having his children 4 or 3 nights a week.

If she wants to go down that road she needs to think through the practicalities of the situation.

I think 50/50 arrangements are becoming increasingly common, aren't they? I certainly know a lot of families where the kids split their time virtually equally between two households. I guess it's the best way of ensuring that the child maintains a strong relationship with each parent but I do think it's pretty rough on the child having to switch between homes and I would also hate it as a parent because you'd miss out on so much time with your child.

I guess I find it really hard to understand why anyone would want a second baby so much that it would make all that time away from their first child worthwhile. I simply wouldn't be willing to make that sacrifice. Similarly, I wouldn't feel that giving my child a sibling/half sibling would in any way come close to compensating for splitting up their family and forcing them to split their time between two households. Obviously, there are times when that situation is unavoidable, but I would only choose it as a last resort.

The OP's wife obviously feels differently, and her desire for a second baby would appear to be so strong that she would be willing to sacrifice time with the first child. Or perhaps she assumes that, as the mother, she would automatically get to keep the first child with her for most of the time - a dangerous assumption to make, I suspect.

I agree with Jacques. This would be a dealbreaker for me. I don't see stating that as blackmail.

The entire last paragraph of the OP doesn’t actually happen outside of bad Lifetime Movies.

If I said that it wouldn’t be a threat. I would resent my DP forever if he stopped me having more then one child, it’s one of the things I wouldn’t be able to move past. That might sound selfish but it’s always been very important to me. I would never be happy to bring an only child in the world without a sibling, having a family network has been crucial to me and I wouldn’t want to put a burden on one child... however some people are being only children or having one. That’s their decision.
This should of been discussed before having kids in the first place.

I would never be happy to bring an only child in the world without a sibling, having a family network has been crucial to me and I wouldn’t want to put a burden on one child...

So are you saying that you'd be happy to sacrifice up to 50% of your time with DC1 in order to provide them with a half sibling? Fair enough if that's your priority, I just find it really difficult to understand that thinking process.

Salty having a sibling doesn’t necessarily mean you have a family network. My DB has had nothing to do with our family for 15 years.

If your parents split up purely so DM could have another child I can’t imagine that does much for family relationships

@ineedaholidaynow no of course not.. there are always exceptions and each to their own, I don’t judge anyone else decisions I just know I wouldn’t be happy to bring up an only child based on my own experiences.

Whatever you do or don’t do DO NOT have a second child to make her happy or to stop her from leaving. It will make you miserable!

I guess I find it really hard to understand why anyone would want a second baby so much that it would make all that time away from their first child worthwhile. I simply wouldn't be willing to make that sacrifice.

Agreed. Maybe it came as a shock to her and she said it without meaning?

Have another chat when things calm down and see what happens then.

You are in a predicament and I don't envy you. Re your last paragraph, you are also bent on destroying what you have because you steadfastedly stand by your decision to NOT have another child, even though it mean the breakdown of your marriage. None is in the wrong. You have both stated how you feel. More communication will be necessary where you both agree to explain your motives and feelings, and take it from there. Good lucK.