Wife wanting 2nd child

[Risingkilt]

Our first child is nearing 3 and my wife has become broody beyond measure.
However I am unsure, to the point of deciding I do not want a second.

We were discussing the possibility of another child the other night, which resulted in a distressing avenue of my wife basically saying she might have to go elsewhere if I am not willing to have another child.
Beyond the emotional blackmail, I’m floored that she can even contemplate destroying what I thought was a happy home and have I no idea where to go from here or even how to discuss it, when that is where her train of thought is.

"It sounds to me that she just wants a normal family with a reasonable age gap"

Loving the suggestion that if you don't pop out two kids with an acceptable age gap then you're an "abnormal" family

Your wife is an emotional terrorist.

What a load of old shit. Having a baby involves a fuck for a man. Yes, parental responsibility blah blah, but actually producing a child is a fuck. For a woman it is a life-changing, life-threatening, health-impacting event. It lasts months. It can leave her incontinent, body changed forever. It's actually dangerous in many cases.

Google false equivalency and see what you think.

You both want different things, do you expect to stay with you in order to keep you happy?

Having a baby involves a fuck for a man.

What a load of old shit.

No one is wrong in this scenario. If you cant come to an agreement where you are both happy then your wife is right and splitting up is the way to go. Some posters are suggesting that your wife being unhappy and resentful of you for the rest of her life for the sake of the existing child is fine. Is that really the marriage you would want for yourself and your wife? Or are you trying to completely dismiss your wife's feelings on the matter as either not as important as yours or think that you know her better than she knows herself. Your wife has been honest, perhaps brutally so, but there is no fault in brutal honesty, and should be expected within marriage.

If you both feel set on this it is a very difficult situation.

Personally I would seek marriage counselling to work it through and communicate. It is obviously an emotive issue and a helpful third party could help untangle some of the threads. Good luck.

It's one thing to want different numbers of children. It's entirely another to start threatening to 'go somewhere else' instead of having a grown up discussion about it.

Your wife is being manipulative and trying to emotionally blackmail you. This is bang out of order and why would you want to have another child with someone who will do that to you.

So no, I don't agree thst neither person is wrong in this scenario at all.

Dreadful that your wife said that to you; hopefully it was just anger at the time. its perfectly reasonable for you to say i’m not ready - its tough managing with a young family financially. Having a sibling for the benefit in later life is not always what its cracked up to be...

Be firm that you park the idea for now and revisit it next year is my advice. Enjoy your 3 year old its a great age!

I disagree it would be different the other way around. If the man wanted one and the women said no I would say the same. Compromise or let them go.

@thirdcoffeeoftheday

Not really I only have one child. I couldn't afford any more as I was a single parent but for some people it isn't a family without 2-3. we are all different.

I’d be furious if my husband said that to me as an ultimatum. It sounds coercive to me. If you discussed it properly and she made it clear that her desire to have another child was more important than your marriage well fair enough, upsetting but she doesn’t have to stay if she doesn’t want to. If it’s out of the blue then she may have been brooding over it for a while and it’s come out wrong. I’d try to have a proper chat about how she’s feeling and whats going on there. But you can’t scare someone into having a child it’s not right.

But i swear to god if my husband said that I’d be leaving of my own accord.

I’m floored that she can even contemplate destroying what I thought was a happy home
You know what thought did. You thought it was a happy home- now you know it's not, not for everyone.

It's perhaps a fraction harsh of her to explain during the first conversation about it (if it is your first conversation about it; I would imagine most people who would like a second bring it up at some point before thr first is 3) that this is a dealbreaker for her, but OTOH at least she's throwing her cards on the table
and have I no idea where to go from here or even how to discuss it, when that is where her train of thought is.
I think proper relationship counselling from a trained professional is probably the way foward, rather than ignoring it and hoping it goes away within a year or so (it won't).

You sound very detached from your wife's feelings and what comes across is that you don't seem to understand how strongly your wife might feel? Whilst you may not have explicitly agreed to more children what is the context, does your wife have siblings, has she loved being a mum. I suspect this isn't out of the blue and YOUR refusal to discuss Nos2 is the bolt out of the blue.

There are a few subjects that cause make or break ups and children is one of these. That is just a fact of life.

You could be incompatible and it is fair for her to say what is at stake. You call it blackmail but do you really expect her to remain unhappy so that you are happy?

I really don't think its helpful to label it as blackmail, as that is just blaming which won't fix the issue. Everyone has a walk away point and this is your wife's

You BOTH have a choice, find a compromise or accept your marriage isn't working for you both. Your child will be happier if both parents are happy rather than resentful.

Btw, there is no easy answer to this. It does cause breakups so don't assume your wife is unique in her feelings, neither are you. You could just have reached stage of incompatibility.

You both have a right to your own opinions. However, if they are very different, you have to realise that insisting on no second child could come at the price of your marriage.

If your wife is genuinely prepared to split up and go elsewhere to get the second child she craves, it's not blackmail but a statement of fact. You know her, we don't. Is it likely to be an empty threat, or something she will carry out? If she really feels that strongly, she has told you honestly how she feels and warned you if the consequences. You can choose to ignore this, you may feel she's wrong, but the end result is you will end up splitting if that's how she really feels. So, your choice is relationship or 2nd baby (as is hers) and it will come down to which means more to you both.

Even if she is throwing out empty threats and isn't prepared to leave when it comes to it, the resentment she may feel could undermine the whole relationship and you end up splitting anyway in the longer term.

In this situation there is no compromise available so if you stay in the relationship one of you won't be happy. Maybe in your wife's mind splitting up is for the best since you can still be happy with your one child and possibly find someone else as a partner, and she can be happy with more children. But your way she can never be happy and therefore the marriage won't be that happy anyway.

it’s wholly selfish not to give your child a sibling. They get so much from a sibling and will continue to long after you and your wife have died.

Or (IME) their sibling bullies them and makes their childhood a living hell, and they become NC at the first opportunity. I used to long to be an only child.

rtmhWales. Fair enough on making things clear to your partners that wanting a number of kids was non-negotiable for you.

To be honest I did the same with my husband. I think I let him know I definitely wanted kids on our second date when I was just 18. However I couldn't have split my family up once I had a child.

I know that growing up with divorced parents can work out perfectly ok for kids and that it can be better for kids than living with parents that resent each other but surely most parents would put the interests of their existing children before anything and anyone else and surely splitting a family up over this alone would be selfish beyond words.

I'm a woman and I will never understand wanting to ditch the love of your life for an imaginary child. Utterly baffles me.

OP I really feel for you. This is a tough situation. And it's so cruel for your wife to tell you she will leave to have another kid - even if that is how she feels.

it’s wholly selfish not to give your child a sibling. They get so much from a sibling and will continue to long after you and your wife have died

Oh wheesht. The world of full of only children. I'm one. DP is one. My best friend is one. We all had great childhoods.

I don't think it is emotional blackmail. What I do think it is is your wife telling you that this is a deal breaker for her. It's a shit situation where neither of you will be happy with what the other decides and there will always be resentment on one side probably. In some ways it is better to separate than to remain in a marriage where one side isn't happy.

If finances are your main reason, then you should find your childcare costs reducing with your current child now they are 3, with funded hours and moving onto school.

Was this the first discussion about it? I wanted a second child and right from DC1 being born, I kept clothes and baby equipment to hand down, we talked about a bigger house with space for "a couple of kids", whether I returned to work or not was based on a couple of sets of nursery fees, even holidays were "we'll do X this year as don't fancy it pregnant with a toddler!"

Be honest- how many of these little comments have there been and how many have you let go, thinking you'll cross that bridge when you get to it? Your wife probably sees this as a complete betrayal and a complete change to the course of her life as she saw it.

I also personally would rather not have had children than had only one. Some people, rightly or wrongly, do feel very strongly. I also think the decision to go from one to two children is harder to go back on than, say, from two to three kids. It's the decision to have an only child or not. (I personally know a few lovely happy only children across all 4 generations I'm acquainted with, so nothing against an only child per se - I just very very strongly wanted to experience bringing up a family including siblings.)

FWIW, I told my now husband I would leave if he didn't agree to get married. It wasnt a threat or blackmail, it was true. I don't think your wife is blackmailing you - splitting up js one of only three options really isn't it?

*I'm a woman and I will never understand wanting to ditch the love of your life for an imaginary child. Utterly baffles me.

OP I really feel for you. This is a tough situation. And it's so cruel for your wife to tell you she will leave to have another kid - even if that is how she feels.*

Totally this.
It is a decision both patent must fully agree on.

I would have gone either way - none , one -6 lol

In the end I had a gap of 4.5 years which was right by me though dh would have being happier sooner.

I don’t think it’s a sweeping generalisation to say men can’t understand the hormonal urge to procreate, it’s just biology. How can anyone explain those strong, sometimes very irrational urges? They aren’t mentioned much in these discussions, it isn’t anti-men to do so.

Like @Strokethefurrywall I have two but desperately wanted three. I took time to come round to my DH point of view, so I can also see both sides. And I agree that nobody should be forced to have a child they don’t want.

But, it hurt and still does sometimes. I do resent him still in my darkest moments despite understanding and basically accepting his reasons. My marriage may survive that but it was such a fundamental difference of opinion that I sometimes think I can’t guarantee that.

However, I think main reason I carry resentment is I did not feel understood or supported in coming to terms with it. I received mixed messages “possibly, I can’t say never, maybe in a year, maybe we can adopt” but whenever I tried to pin him down on a decision he and avoided conversation or we had an argument “not this again etc”. So in my opinion, proper communication is really important.

I think the advice to park it for a year is a good one. Three is a full on age, and the years of no sleep are clearly still so recent in your mind. Those years don’t last long in the scheme of things.

Wow. Lots of man haters on this thread. The one who doesn’t want one trumps the one that does. That’s what usually gets said on here. Your wife is blackmailing you.

We were discussing the possibility of another child the other night, which resulted in a distressing avenue of my wife basically saying she might have to go elsewhere if I am not willing to have another child.

Sorry but i think thats fucking discusting behaviour, and as far as im concerned blackmail.