Wife wanting 2nd child

[Risingkilt]

Our first child is nearing 3 and my wife has become broody beyond measure.
However I am unsure, to the point of deciding I do not want a second.

We were discussing the possibility of another child the other night, which resulted in a distressing avenue of my wife basically saying she might have to go elsewhere if I am not willing to have another child.
Beyond the emotional blackmail, I’m floored that she can even contemplate destroying what I thought was a happy home and have I no idea where to go from here or even how to discuss it, when that is where her train of thought is.

I doubt your wife really meant that she would go elsewhere, RisingKilt, it was probably just said in the heat of the moment.

You shouldn't have a child if you don't want one. Some will say you are selfish coming to this decision, others will say your wife is selfish for being so insistent. Well you can't please everyone!

We do get broody at different times but it doesn't always last.

Please try and talk to her without getting into a row, clearly setting out your reasons for not wanting another child. Your wife is entitled to know why. It would be a good idea to write them down now so you are completely clear in your mind about it.

I can understand her feelings. There are two and a half years age gap between my DDs. It's not always easy, but on balance, that's worked out well for us. They are close enough in age that they play together nicely (most of the time) and that actually makes my life easier. I wanted my DDs to have the sibling relationship I had. And as a PP said, having the burden of elderly parents as an only child is tough. Finally, I think the further away you are from the newborn stage, the more daunting it is to go back there. But you are right, in that childcare fees for a while were hideous (£1500 a month) It's a difficult situation for you both. I hope you work it out.

It doesn’t sound like blackmail at all. You are perfectly entitled not to want any more children, she’s equally as entitled to want more. Your feelings are not more important than hers and neither of you are right or wrong to feel the way you do. If you can’t come to an agreement then harsh as it sounds, yes you’d be best to split up. One of you resenting the other; her because you won’t have another child or you because she pushed you into having a child you didn’t want, will not result in a happy home for your child/children to grow up in.

That’s you told. I couldn’t help feeling if someone told me I was the love of their life but it I wouldn’t agree to number 2 she’d drop me like a hot stone and go elsewhere that the love might not be as genuine as I thought.

I think I understand the primeval instinct to have children but don’t want to to be patronising as man and say I’m an expert on women’s feelings - I take my lead from mainly on what women say here themselves.

I don’t blame you from feeling used or potentially being used though. You’ve been told clearly your feelings are out of the window and not a priority and whist she loves you she’ll substitute you. Not a great romance

irreconcilable differences

This also came to my mind, its exactly the situation you find yourself in OP
If ye both adopt a hard line ye won’t have a happy home for yourselves or your child.
It’s an impossible situation!

They get so much from a sibling and will continue to long after you and your wife have died

And back in the real world you only need to look around MN to see how many people dont get on with siblings or for various reasons dont see them

Whilst some say she will resent you forever in the event of no further child, I’d resent her equally even if I went ahead and did it with all the love and happiness for the new one which I’d have. Purely because of being told that I’m superfluous and a tradeable commodity

GrabbyGertie I did in fact tell him that. I wanted him to be well aware going into the relationship long term that this was a non negotiable issue to me. I told him before we even got to the I love you stage, in the same way it would be non negotiable that we ever move away from his family and the town he grew up in. It was that much of a deal breaker for me.

People are allowed to change their minds on this of course. The advice when someone on here posts that they desperately want another child but their DP doesn't is to decide if they can live without it or if they need to move on to someone else and have other children. Maybe OP's wife posted and got that advice. For some people it's non negotiable.

OP it may not be to the detriment of your child though. It would really depend how you two would parent after divorce, if it got to that point and your wife chose to leave.

If I thought the issue would be enough to resent my partner over (and I genuinely do, not sure if your wife does or if she's just saying it because she wants her way) I'd rather my child grow up separately with two loving parents parenting apart than one resenting the other.

Again, that's just me. And I'm someone who feels so incredibly strongly about this issue I used to warn men on about the fourth or fifth date in so they could run for the hills if they didn't want that life.

It sounds to me that she just wants a normal family with a reasonable age gap. Why are you so anti? Do you not feel you are getting enough attention?

@scubadive oh do piss off.
‘I think it’s better to have no children the man just one’
Either you’re being deliberately goady or you’re just a horrible, narrow minded person. What about secondary infertility?
I also know several adults who have no relationship with their siblings so it’s neither here nor there that they have them.

And what happen if there is child number 2.

And 3 years later she is threatening to leave again if OP, doesnt give in and have a third?

It does matter if you agreed something and someone reneged in terms of who is being a dick or a bitch but at the same time it doesn’t. People are entitled to change their minds about having kids and people are entitled to split. I’d just be gutted in the event of number 2 knowing that’s why she stayed and would have fucked off if I didn’t agree with the plan

Sone sweeping generalisations here. The urge to have children is something men can’t understand and Every single child I have ever met has longed for a sibling. I disagree with both of those comments.
I am sure many people will assure you, me included, that a second child may be a great sleeper even if number 1 wasn’t. In fact, my second DC seamlessly fitted into family life however, of course, this may not be the case for you and no child should come into the world unwanted.
Had your DW realistically understood walking away from you may potentially mean only spending 50% of her time with your DC? Hardly the perfect situation she craves with two DC.
As Whoops75 says, identify why you do not want DC number 2. Certainly worth a good hard consideration if your marriage could break over it. And communicate calmly and from a loving point of view with each other.

If think the hormonal response and desire to procreate can be so strong in a woman that they would absolutely consider "breaking" their family unit, because that is what they're being biologically driven to do.

I have 2 sons, I desperately wanted 3 children regardless of sex. But I knew in my heart of hearts that as a full time professional, my time would be split to the detriment of my existing children.

DH was certain that he didn't want a 3rd but i had to allow myself to come to terms with his decision and I asked him to let me come to the realization myself rather than him taking the decision out of my hands by getting a vasectomy.

The problem is that I know full well that we had agreed at least 2 children and hormonally I would probably threaten the same as your wife had my husband decided that he wanted to stop at 1.

I don't know what to tell you though, the want to procreate is such a strong and hormonally driven desire that a lot of the time a person will go to extreme lengths to do it.

I can only speak as someone who has happily taken the time to accept that I won't be having a 3rd and actually there is nobody missing from our family so I can totally see where both of you are coming from.

What are your reasons for not wanting a second? Is it that you had a tough experience with your first putting you off or you a second really stretch you financially? The financial aspect would probably stop me in my tracks (or at least delay them) far more than lack of sleep. Humans (and most certainly mothers) are driven to deal with feeding/sleep and lack thereof with a new baby so it may be that she is dismissing your concerns in this regard, especially if she's the one doing the majority of the night wakings.

I don't think it's selfish in the slightest to not want a sibling for your first child, but I do see why she is striking out with the threats. She's trying to protect her biologically driven urge.

Sorry, that wasn't to dismiss your reasons but rather give you some color on why she is saying the things she has.

Surprised at some of the responses here.

I get the maternal, broody thing - I really do - but to me it is completely, completely out of order for your wife to suggest she can just go elsewhere. Even if said as a joke (and it’s not that funny) that demotes you to nothing more than a sperm donor who is easily replaced. You have a child together, and a family unit has been formed - she’s now essentially threatening to destroy that family unit because she wants it to become bigger, which is insane. I’m not saying either of you are in the right - this is an issue which is going to take discussion and agreement - but her threatening approach so far is really not helping things.

As for the talk about how crap it is being an only child - absolutely rubbish. There are a few single children in my extended family alone and they are not short on friends or attention. And as has been said already, having a sibling does not automatically guarantee a rosy and happy family future, as evidenced on here by the amount of threads with sibling problems.

My mate at work would love 2 kids. But the 1st was traumatic for her (partially because of her hippy plans for the first) so he hasn’t pushed. He did think she might have a change of heart but after a few years realises it’s not on the cards. Hasn’t instigated divorce proceeding or called her a selfish whatever yet though and of course never would. He loves his wife and having a second with a second mother wouldn’t be in anyway satisfactory

Caucho

Your mate could be very unhappy, doesn’t sound like a great outcome.

I'd agree with your wife. I couldn't imagine being an only child no way would I only have one its cruel not to give them a sibling unless medical reasoning

You need to ask your wife if she is really willing to (potentially) sacrifice 50% of the time she has with her current child for a child who doesn’t yet exist & may never exist.

I'm with your wife. It's important to be compatible and on the same page with the big things in a marriage, if you're not there will always be resentment from one person. The desire to have another child doesn't just go away. I'm not saying you should cave if you definitely do not want another just to stop her from leaving, but it's not fair to consider what she is saying as blackmail.

She may equally feel floored that you are considering destroying a happy home by refusing to extend it.
I probably wouldn't have left my dh if he had done this but I would never have felt the same about him again. And I'd always know if we split up he could move on and have a second family and I couldn't. I wasn't as keen on having the first (to start with) but I was desperate for a second.

Well in this case it's blackmailing or lying or leaving with no explanation. If she really feels this way.

So would you prefer to have her lie to you? Or tell you the truth, which is 'blackmail'? Or just leave one day because she wants a child so much? I suppose what you really want is for her to feel differently but we don't consciously control what we feel.

FWIW I wanted a second, DH didn't, we have one. So I don't have skin in the game.

Sorry, just another thought. What if there was something you wanted, eg career change to your dream job, moving to a particular area, a hobby that really really interested you and made you happy, and she said no. She liked things the way they were and there was no chance you will get that while in this marriage. Would you give up that dream and be happy with that?

Your wife is an emotional terrorist. Imagine if this thread were reversed and it was the husband demanding another baby. Heads would roll.