Wife wanting 2nd child

[Risingkilt]

Our first child is nearing 3 and my wife has become broody beyond measure.
However I am unsure, to the point of deciding I do not want a second.

We were discussing the possibility of another child the other night, which resulted in a distressing avenue of my wife basically saying she might have to go elsewhere if I am not willing to have another child.
Beyond the emotional blackmail, I’m floored that she can even contemplate destroying what I thought was a happy home and have I no idea where to go from here or even how to discuss it, when that is where her train of thought is.

The one who doesn’t want one trumps the one that does.

This means you don't try to force the person who doesn't want to have a child to do so, either by constant emotional pressure or faking a contraception failure or similar trickery. But it doesn't mean the one who wants another child has to just stay in the relationship and accept never having another child themselves.

Closetbeanmuncher, what should she have said instead, that would have made it clear it was a deal breaker for her, yet would not have been "fucking disgusting"?

@DCIRozHuntley I also personally would rather not have had children than had only one.

What a horrible thing to say. What if during Labour of a first you had a massive haemorrhage and a life saving hysterectomy so could no longer have any more children even though you'd planned say 2 or 3- in your perfect little world (where everyone gets exactly what they want). Would it be better that that only child didn't exist (died during labour?) because it was not going to have any siblings? Wise up!

I know a person in above scenario and that child is one of the happiest, most confident and caring child I know. The world needs more kids like that as opposed to crying, winging, fighting multiple child families I know whose kids refuse to share and respect each other, despite parents trying. I hope my friend doesn't read what you and others have written about the hard done by only children.

OP, it all sounds very raw and your dw was hopefully just lashing out due to emotions. Come back to it when things have settled and try not to let what she has said push you further away.

@Mummyshark2018 obviously I would have come to terms with that but it would have been extremely devastating and would change the course of my life plans as I saw it.

Why is it ok to have clear and focussed career plans but not family plans? I was not passing judgement on anyone else and your "whataboutery" does not apply to OP or (by the grace of God) myself.

And I was writing my personal view. I do not believe the only children I know are hard done by, as I took pains to qualify in the original response I gave. Having an only child just would not have been the choice (and we are talking a choice here) I made.

On previous threads the advice has always been you cannot force someone to have another child against their will so the only choices are to make the best of it or leave the marriage. Unfortunately children are often one of the big deal breakers, either having them at all or how many. It really just depends how big a deal this is to your wife.

I haven't been able to have one child but I always pictured having three. It can be difficult to adjust your long term plans. While what your wife said does sound like blackmail, it does depend how it was said. It could be a way of her getting across how important it is, it could have been said in the heat of the moment. But honestly, one way or the other this could be the result of not having a second child. It doesn't mean you are wrong at all, but everyone has their own dealbreakers and I suppose at least everyone knows where they stand in advance.

Maybe relationship counselling may be a safe way to discuss this

For those saying a sibling relationship is important, how do you think the DC will feel towards the new half sibling if they know that that sibling is the reason their parents split up.

The maternal urge to have children can be huge, but it may not go away after having a second child.

And for all the people saying they would rather have no children rather than an only, how awful. I have an only, he is the most important person in my life and he is a happy teenager. He has never asked for a sibling. His best friend has a brother, the brothers are completely different personalities and do not get on at all, which causes great stress to their parents.

My DB hasn’t spoken to me for 15 years. Siblings are not always the best thing.

I agree with those who don't think it's emotional blackmail. You can't force someone to have a child but nor can you force someone to be in a relationship that doesn't meet their needs. It is not reasonable to say 'I'm happy with my life, its exactly how I want it so you have accept its your life too.'

Wanting a child is such a visceral thing & giving up on that is a huge grief. It's not unreasonable to say a relationship may not survive that grief being due to your choice. Especially if you bang on about how happy you are - it's hard to be in such opposite emotional places.

You shouldn't have a child you don't want but nor can you blame her for breaking up the family home if its a deal breaker for her.

If you won't let her express how she feels because it's emotional blackmail you won't move past this - whether that is her acceptance or an amicable split.

I would have a very honest conversation about how your lives would look if you do separate. What would she envision in her head, versus what do you see happening.

She may assume you'd want eow, where as you may want 50:50. If she's throwing around the idea of separating she needs to face up to what that might mean. Who would be the RP and stay in the marital home? I'm guessing she assumed she will be the main carer, but that's not always the case.

I think you should be very careful to ensure you are responsible for your own contraception.

I stand by what i said and perhaps along the lines of its really important to me and can we discuss the reasons why you're against it and maybe see if we can work around it???

What if it was a man saying to his wife if she wont have sex with him he will go and get it elsewhere....exact same principle.

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship. Emotional blackmail is never acceptable.

It's almost as if lots of posters think the wife should shut up and put up, just be grateful for the life you have and dont dare put your own personal boundaries alongside your husbands. The wife's feelings dont count and she should martyr herself for the sake of the family unit. Fuck that. You either have to come to a compromise where both parties are happy (and honesty is essential) or split.

If dh was adamant that he didn't want sex with me again in the same sense the op is sure he doesnt want more children, I'd give him the same option. Either work towards wanting sexual relations with me or I'll leave and find someone else. Would people really stay in unhappy sexless (or child no.2 less) marriages for the sake of keeping the family together or because better the devil you know? That's really sad.

If your wife is seriously considering ending your marriage so that she can be with someone else and have another child then I think it's ok that she tells you that this is something she intends to do if you don't change your mind. If she doesn't really intend to do this, then it is simply an empty threat designed to try and get you to change your mind. Empty threats are just that, threats! Designed to scare the other person into changing their mind or behaviour. That is unacceptable and a dirty tactic.

I do hope the OP is booking himself in for a vasectomy (or stocking up on condoms) once the decision is final. It's unfair to expect a women to use contraception to prevent something she doesn't want to prevent, for however many years into the future!

OP would it not be best to sit down and talk about all the reasons you do/don't want to try again (as a second child is in no way guaranteed even if you try) rather than both of you just stating what you want. You might have fears she can allay, or she might decide you are right re whatever your reasoning is.

From experience, the yearning for a child can be all consuming. I've been a surrogate for my brother and his wife twice now, because I know that yearning and couldn't bear the thought of them having that want and not being able to fulfill it. My DH wanted to stop at 1, we now have 3. For me, having a 2nd was mostly for the benefit of the child we already had. So that he would always have someone, and in turn they would have each other (also the reason I did the surrogacy again, to give my niece a sibling). The 3rd was more about my yearnings for another, but, I never made threats or used emotional blackmail towards DH. After our 2nd I actually got rid of all the baby stuff to try and alleviate the want for another, but it failed. We had another discussion about it, sat down and worked out finances, and had he said a final no, I would have accepted it.

I don't agree with the way your wife has gone about it, but have you actually sat down and discussed your reasons? If she's just hearing you say no without anything to back it up or show that you've given it some real consideration, then I can understand her upset. But, she should also bring something to the table regarding why she wants another and how she thinks it will work.

Good luck, and I hope you can come to a decision in the end that you're both happy with.

Well, anyone is allowed to not want more children. But equally, anyone is also allowed to leave a relationship if they truly only care about having more children. However, the reality of striving to find someone else to have kids with isn't all hunky dory, and it doesn't seem your wife fully realises what it actually means. She may never find anyone else. ANd being a single parent?

You're allowed to not want more kids. Don't feel bad about that. It's a pretty big decision to have to take on board for the both of you.

I think the way she said it is pretty unacceptable, but if she's telling the truth about how strongly she feels about the need to have another child, then you're going to have to accept that your marriage is at serious risk. You are both entitled to feel as you do, you both have to live with the consequences. This isn't a situation where there are easy asnwers.

How utterly selfish of your wife to put her wants and needs before her existing child and husband.

If it is not emotional blackmail, it is surely a very irresponsible statement to make on her part.

I can absolutely see why you are upset, in essence she is saying she will choose having a baby who is presently hypothetical, over a marriage and bond with yourself.

utterly selfish.

It isnt blackmail, any more than you not agreeing to another child meaning your wife has to find someone else if she wants one is blackmail. You're both quite entitled to want the number of children you want, and if you dont want another, you get the casting vote there. But what you can't do is make her be able to reconcile herself to that.

It's an issue that does cause massive problems in some relationships, because it's so important and there isnt a compromise. Hopefully you can find a way through.

And for goodness sake, if you're going to have sex with your wife wear a condom.

Women can and do opt out of contraception to suit themselves........ it's not a topic that goes down well on here but it does happen.

Why don’t you want a second child? Personally I think if it was never discussed by you that you only wanted one child, it’s very unusual to suddenly decide that’s the case. I’d be very annoyed and would probably leave you. I’d resent not being able to have another child and would be really unhappy. Is also feel Ike you shifted the goal posts which you have. I think she’s justified in her response.

Of course it’s not blackmail.

The Op is absolutely within his rights to not want another child. His wife is absolutely within her rights to decide that makes the relationship untenable.

Agree with a PP though - if you work through this and decide to compromise on one child, I hope you’ll be getting a vasectomy OP.

Erm it's not selfish to put your wants and needs over your husband. It's completely inappropriate in a healthy relationship for one person's wants or needs to be ignored. It is also OK to leave a relationship, even with children, if you can't be happy within the relationship.

I think the comparison with a wife saying she'll never have sex again is a good one. The husband can't say 'you must have sex with me or I'll leave you' but he can say 'I am not going to be happy or fulfilled in a sex free relationship so I will need to leave.'

Women’s bodies are designed to grow and bear children. Some women don’t want children which is fine but many do and feel it’s their purpose in life. How would you feel if your wife stopped you fulfilling what you felt was your purpose in life and expected you to be happy about that and just accept your decision? She feels another child would be a wonderful addition to your family and why wouldn’t it be? Poor woman.