DH & sulking over sex

[MissHemsworth]

Hello,

Just a bit of advice needed really. DH & I have been together 15 years, married for 9 of those. He's always had quite a high sex drive. He will quite often stare (provocatively) at my boobs/grope me/wake me up for sex in the night even though I have told him I don't like these things. Cuddles etc always lead to sex etc.

His response will be to sulk (he's recently not spoken to me for over a week because I got back from seeing family at 1am on a Sunday & had to be up again at 5 so was too tired to have sex).

He also says things like 'well I can't help it if I really fancy you' and 'it's your fault for being so sexy'. Basically by saying that he's implying (I think) that I should be so grateful that he finds me attractive (he has said & done other things that as well).

It's almost like he feels like he should be rewarded because he finds me attractive. My question is would this bother you? If so what would your response be?

Also, so not to drip feed, other than us having two primary aged DC, both working FT & him being away a lot we have quite a healthy sex life.

Aside from this we have little communication between us (he's incredibly difficult to have a conversation with), but will help around the house if asked. I have posted previously about other issues we have had in the relationship. Any advice appreciated.

He sounds very immature and disrespectful. I couldn't live like that. I am sorry for you. Has he always been like this?

Would it bother me? Well of course it would bother me, as it's deeply disturbing. Your partner is being very abusive. Using sulking to get his own way and punish you when you don't comply is coercion.

Not speaking to you for a week because you were too tired to have sex is not on. How long has he been like this?

He sounds dreadful. What a fuckwit. No words of wisdom for you other than what the fuck are you doing with him?

I wouldn't have been able to cope with that kind of behaviour for 15 mins, nevermind 15 years .

Thank you for the responses.

Sometimes I don't know if my feelings are justified or not. He's always been a bit like this tbh but it's just lately that he's really ramped up the sulking. He's currently not speaking to me because I was wearing a vest top yesterday without a bra & he was just constantly staring at my boobs & I asked him not to.

He seems to think it's his 'right' & that I should be happy & grateful that he finds my body attractive.

This is sexual coercion. Google it and show him. He should be upset and ashamed at what he reads but I doubt he will.
Lots of women come in here about it and lost of them end up having to leave their partners as unfortunately men like this just don't respect you as a human being rather than just a body to be used at will.

If it wasn't you he would be the exact same way with someone else. My dh was exavtly the same when we were younger. Wanted it twice a day, everyday, three times a day on weekends. I remember the very first-time I told him no - it was midnight, he'd had it once that day already and I was sore, tired, and just wanted to sleep. Inalso had to be up at 6am the next day for work. He wrote me a letter saying how he was now really anxious and worried I didn't love him anymore, that basically if I loved him I would want to have sex with him etc etc etc. Couldn't seem to comprehend that i was just fucking exhausted. Unfortunately this drive and this attitude continued for years after.

All it served was to make me realise that it was just my hole he wanted, to put it crassly, because he admitted his ex before me used to push him away too after a whule (about sex), because she couldn't take the constant demand either.

LTB- he's abusive about sex , a sulker and very hard to talk to. Also despite the fact that you both work FT he has to be asked to 'help' around the house so not really doing his fair share.

Ugh

He sounds juvenile and far from sexually attractive. I am not surprised to see he displays other problematic behaviours.

How do you bring yourself to live with this pathetic manchild ?

Oh dear. Cross posted with your last post. He sees you as a piece of meet. He is controlling a too.
Please don't doubt yourself. Your instincts are right--he is trying to force you to have sex when you don't want to by sulking. That is so wrong.

I should add, dh still shoves his hands up and down my top to grab at me whenever he feels like it. I fucking hate it. No amount of trying to explain to him why I hate it works.i used to grit my teeth and bore it but I just can't take it anymore and told him if he doesn't stop I'll punch him. He grabbed at them again one morning and I snapped and hit him in the stomach. Unfortunately he thinks this is me playing. It's not fucking funny.

*meat

What do you mean by "whether my feelings are justified" OP? Your feelings are your feelings and he should respect them. It's perfectly ok not to want sex, you don't have to be tired or have an early start you can just not feel like it.

Youjustdoyou hope you are making plans to leave 💐

Youjustdoyou the Police could explain in words he could understand I'm sure.

If your sex drives are so different why did you get married in the first place. You must have known you were completely incompatible.

YouJustDoYou

What does he say when you tell him that you hate it?

The thing is our sex drives aren't particularly miss matched. His behaviour along with me being permanently exhausted with everything he doesn't have to give headspace too has completely eroded at that.

This is sexual abuse and coercion.

The only reason I ask if my feelings are justified is because everyone else thinks he's wonderful. He earns good money, is seen as the 'doting dad' when in reality he is not. He can be a real charmer when he wants to be with people he sees as 'important' enough to make an effort with.

When trying to talk to friends about issues I've quite often been shot down & told that he is fantastic.

Anyway he's decided that he's 'speaking to me' this morning but no doubt I'll be punished in some other way!

How often are you having sex because to refuse and dealing with the stroppiness takes more energy than just going through with it?

MissHemsworth

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Quite apart from the sexual coercion aspect which is itself very disturbing not just to say abusive in nature, there is also his emotional abuse towards you in the form of sulking.

You have primary age DC: what do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning from you both here?. Is this really the role model of a relationship that should be shown to them, would you wan them to have a relationship like this as adults?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either.

OP this is literally abusive and it was upsetting for me to read you saying that you weren’t sure if your feelings were justified.
I’m sure you can imagine what you’d say to somebody else in this position

I think you need new friends, those people are not acting in your best interests at all but more like theirs. They should be ignored. I would also think that one or two of your own social circle have their own private based suspicions about your husband.

Everyone else however, does not have to live with him. Abusive people can often be plausible to those in the outside world so your description of how others see him is not all that surprising.

DO not continue to show your children that this treatment of you (and in turn them) is still acceptable to you on some level. Staying with such a person reinforces to them the message that abuse is acceptable within a relationship.