DH & sulking over sex

[MissHemsworth]

Hello,

Just a bit of advice needed really. DH & I have been together 15 years, married for 9 of those. He's always had quite a high sex drive. He will quite often stare (provocatively) at my boobs/grope me/wake me up for sex in the night even though I have told him I don't like these things. Cuddles etc always lead to sex etc.

His response will be to sulk (he's recently not spoken to me for over a week because I got back from seeing family at 1am on a Sunday & had to be up again at 5 so was too tired to have sex).

He also says things like 'well I can't help it if I really fancy you' and 'it's your fault for being so sexy'. Basically by saying that he's implying (I think) that I should be so grateful that he finds me attractive (he has said & done other things that as well).

It's almost like he feels like he should be rewarded because he finds me attractive. My question is would this bother you? If so what would your response be?

Also, so not to drip feed, other than us having two primary aged DC, both working FT & him being away a lot we have quite a healthy sex life.

Aside from this we have little communication between us (he's incredibly difficult to have a conversation with), but will help around the house if asked. I have posted previously about other issues we have had in the relationship. Any advice appreciated.

@thenightsky if you mean me then yes he used too.
When we first started dating we would have sex almost everywhere (still alone though) so I think he thought it was okay? I’d said no the first few times but it took me actively telling him if he done it again it was over for him to stop. I don’t mind the odd bum slap in jest but won’t tolerate groping in public. So demeaning.
3 years down the line he listens to a no though.

If you mean the OP I’m sorry for the backstory 😂

Yes Wonderland18. I was so shocked at the thought of him actually squeezing your boobs in Asda I forgot to put your name

It might help to consider that it's often not sex that these men are after when they continually maul your body and slobber on you at inappropriate times or in inappropriate places. What they are getting off on is your embarassment, distaste and distress: they are reminding you that you are a woman and (in their eyes) really just a cunt on legs, for their convenience.

OK #notallmen and #notallabusers either. Some of them paw their female partners in front of other people as territorial marking. And yes, some men who never stop demanding sex do want sex but, again, it's not just the physical action - these are the men who are fixated on their own wonderfulness and possibly the most exhausting as you can't just lie there, you have to perform enjoyment and praise them constantly for their Magic DIck afterwards.

I cant bear people who sulk, especially over sex. It's extremely immature. He needs to know that most people have times when they just don't feel like it and he should find something else to think about.

I have a very high sex drive and DH isn't always up for it when I am, which is fine. Sulking and constantly groping you is not okay.

Sounds like he is insecure and tries to make up for it with constant sex to reassure himself of his masculinity. But whatever the reason it's obviously not on, he needs to consider your feelings. For men it's easy for cuddles or kissing to become immediately sexual but he should understand that it's not the same for women and sex should be mutually pleasurable, it's not all about him. If he really cared about you he would be sensitive to your feelings, sulking for a week because you told him not to stare is childish and petulant.

I don't think my H was quite as bad as yours, no public groping. I still split over it. There is no bigger turn off than knowing they will sulk if they don't get a shag

My question is would this bother you? If so what would your response be?

It wouldn't 'bother' me. It would utterly disgust me. He is basically saying that your body is his, you aren't allowed boundaries and he doesn't care about your wants and needs, only his own. Oh and he wants to have sex with an unwilling woman. Which makes him a wannabe rapist. My response would have been to leave him years ago.

Thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to reply.

It makes for fairly depressing yet accurate reading. How can a group of strangers on the internet sum up my DH & appear to know him better than friends & family we have known for years?

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think you have really hit the nail on the head there.

@Wonderland18 What you've said also resonates...he's even more touchy feely around our friends or if we do the school run together. It's as if he's proving a point! It's embarrassing!

@prawnsword yeah he plays the 'great dad' role to perfection as well. But like you say it's all on his terms etc.

@AnyFucker I could reel off a list tbh.

I do realise that I sound absolutely pathetic from my posts. However I do stand my ground with him in a lot of instances. However I'm starting to realise that he controls me a lot than I've realised (this thread has shown me that).

A few years ago (he was being financially & emotionally abusive) I gave him an ultimatum. Either cut the crap or get out. It scared the shit out of him that he could lose so much (I had done my research) & he bucked his ideas up. Unfortunately it would seem he is slipping into his old ways again.

Miss h

He has not changed an iota, he remains abusive towards you.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

What is preventing you from doing this?

His response will be to sulk (he's recently not spoken to me for over a week because I got back from seeing family at 1am on a Sunday & had to be up again at 5 so was too tired to have sex).

This alone would make me question my entire relationship. He sounds seriously grim. Don't be fooled that this is anything to do with you being attractive etc (I"m sure you are btw). This is about him
using you as a sexual object/aid.

It doesn't matter what your family and friends think - they don't have to be married to him. I think my sil is a difficult woman. Doesn't matter a damn as my bil is happy as a clam with her. And I would almost guarantee that if you do leave him at least one friend or relative will say to you "I always felt uncomfortable with him/didn't like him"

How do people leave abusers...really?

He has destroyed my already quite low self esteem. My friends & family will take his side & I will be left with only my mum & my sister (who will relish in my misery) as they are narcs as well.

Sorry I know that sounds so negative but it's probably a fairly accurate representation of my life if we split up!

You are not pathetic. He is.

This man is being coercive and abusive.

• The only reason I ask if my feelings are justified is because everyone else thinks he's wonderful. He earns good money, is seen as the 'doting dad' when in reality he is not. He can be a real charmer when he wants to be with people he sees as 'important' enough to make an effort with.

When trying to talk to friends about issues I've quite often been shot down & told that he is fantastic.*

"Within these four walls". Nobody has a clue what he's like when you are at home with none of these "friends " around.

As always, Attila is spot on, you need to leave, for your own self-esteem and self-worth.

Don't be so convinced about your friends. When I left wonderful, amazing, awesome, fantastic nobber exDH it was shocking how many people hadn't actually been fooled and were biding their time to speak their minds.

Even his best friend said, "yeah he's a great mate but a shit husband".

Go on strike? No shags will be had unless it's at your instigation, so no groping, no ogling, no approaches unless you invite them. Start off with 3 days strike. Any infringement of the rule will lead to an extension of another day. 3 days good behaviour gets a reward.

Tbh, my dp would never behave like yours. He might give me a little stroke but if I don't respond he goes to sleep, with no sulking.

He wakes you up for sex, sulks when he doesn't get sex and doesn't speak to you most of the time. He sounds like an abusive arsehole. You need to get out of this relationship.

Good behaviour ? Reward ?

Transactional sex. He might as well leave 20 quid on the dressing table.

3 days good behaviour gets a reward.

A doggy treat or a blow job? Repulsive idea. Actual human men don't need training. They can respect women's right to bodily autonomy and behave decently without incentives.

Yes but this is a special case. This one doesn't seem to understand that OP is entitled to respect from him. The alternative is LTB.

Don't be so convinced about your friends. When I left wonderful, amazing, awesome, fantastic nobber exDH it was shocking how many people hadn't actually been fooled and were biding their time to speak their minds

Yup

My mate has just left an utter twat. I’ve known for 5 years he was dreadful, till now, I have never been anything other than warmly noncommittal. Now she’s shot of him, I did say what I actually thought of him.

Yes but this is a special case. This one doesn't seem to understand that OP is entitled to respect from him. The alternative is LTB.

The alternative sounds like the best plan.

I prefer the alternative

Of course he realises she is due respect. He just chooses to withold it.

Nothing "special" about that. The world has too many men that don't respect women. We would do well by not "rewarding" them with anything, including the privelige of being in a relationship with us.

Your self esteem would come back quicker if you L that B and stop living a life where people take you for granted and use you. You don't have to go crawling back to the abusive mum either get your own place, fire up your career again and make some friends. Be in charge of yourself and raise the dc to be confident, independent people who treat others well but don't take any shit.