DH & sulking over sex

[MissHemsworth]

Hello,

Just a bit of advice needed really. DH & I have been together 15 years, married for 9 of those. He's always had quite a high sex drive. He will quite often stare (provocatively) at my boobs/grope me/wake me up for sex in the night even though I have told him I don't like these things. Cuddles etc always lead to sex etc.

His response will be to sulk (he's recently not spoken to me for over a week because I got back from seeing family at 1am on a Sunday & had to be up again at 5 so was too tired to have sex).

He also says things like 'well I can't help it if I really fancy you' and 'it's your fault for being so sexy'. Basically by saying that he's implying (I think) that I should be so grateful that he finds me attractive (he has said & done other things that as well).

It's almost like he feels like he should be rewarded because he finds me attractive. My question is would this bother you? If so what would your response be?

Also, so not to drip feed, other than us having two primary aged DC, both working FT & him being away a lot we have quite a healthy sex life.

Aside from this we have little communication between us (he's incredibly difficult to have a conversation with), but will help around the house if asked. I have posted previously about other issues we have had in the relationship. Any advice appreciated.

My DH has never 'punished' me. The fact you are saying those words is as worrying as the rest of his behaviour.

He does not sound like a good husband or dad.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

Anyway he's decided that he's 'speaking to me' this morning

Have you decided whether you're speaking to him? It's a two-way street.

Seriously, if you can't have a conversation with him and he views you as a sex object, are you getting anything at all out of this relationship?

Exactly Isatis. I have often wondered the same thing myself. Aside from earning decent-ish money (which I stupidly sacrificed my career to support his) he doesn't bring a lot to the table.

Do not stay with him because or for the children.

My mum is NPD (so is my sister). Her & my dad didn't have a great relationship but I don't think it was abusive. IDK though. My mum had numerous affairs whilst I was growing up in which I used to have to 'cover' for her. They eventually divorced when I was a teenager.

Yeah I do need new friends, I'm just so cripplingly shy at talking to new people, possible undiagnosed social anxiety?!

Let’s ignore the validity of your feelings. They aren’t the issue here. The issue is his reaction. He is doing things you have explicitly asked him not to do to you and then punishing you if you don’t do what he wants. Even if you were wildly unreasonable I’m your feelings that couldn’t justify his actions.

He's treating you like a sex doll. He seems to think you're only there for his gratification. It's disgusting sexually abusive behaviour. I hope you're making plans to leave him.

Nothing destroys a woman’s sex drive faster than a manchild sulking and whining and trying to demand his rights to her body!

Your DH has no idea about how to turn you on, and sounds like he doesn’t care - he’s only interested in his own needs. That isn’t love, that’s abusive ownership.
OP, please listen to Attila. Yours is not a healthy, happy relationship as it stands, and it needs drastic surgery or putting out of its misery.
There is a very unequal power balance between you and DH. He has all the financial power, as you say you sacrificed your career - I think he revels in that, as it gives him the control to treat you as he does, and lets him disrespect your boundaries and your body, as you are dependent on him.
I think you need to build your self esteem, get your career back, and issue an ultimatum to DH. Either he treats you with respect and affection as an equal partner, or you walk. And mean it.

It seems that sadly you went on to marry a man just like your mother who is a narcissist. Your parents certainly let you down (and that is an understatement) when you were growing up and made you the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. They trained you to put them first with you last with the result being you really have no idea at all of what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is like. What you have now with your H is not respectful and or loving.

@LittleFairywren WTAF?

Seriously?

She should give in to his controlling, abusive behaviour because it would make her life easier?

Jesus.

Adult children of narcissists are overly-sensitive, deeply insecure, unable to see themselves as good, worthy and lovable. And sadly, they are so familiar with narcissism (because they dealt with it all their lives) that they unconsciously attract it into their lives, through their adult relationships, and in their work cultures and careers.

@LittleFairywren
What on earth did you learn about relationships growing up?
Your response is very very worrying.
Never give in to pressure from a man over what YOU want to do with YOUR body.
No man or husband owns our bodies.
I hope you can see from these responses that your post is NOT normal in any way.
Please seek some counselling to address why you are such a people pleaser and prepared to overlook your wants and needs for a 'man'

Abusive men very often convince outsiders that they are Wonderful Husbands and Fathers, because these pricks are obsessive about getting validation from other people. In fact, many of their social circle either mistrust or despise them, but either can't be asked to argue with them or are uneasy about the consequences of crossing the abusive prick.
Your H is worthless and your marriage will never improve: what you need is external sources of support for both the practicalities and the boosted self-esteem that will enable you to end the relationship. You'll need a good lawyer and some tough friends, as a man like this will do everything possible to punish you and maintain control.

Your DH’s behaviour is creepy. I’m not sure how you have stayed with him for so long

@lrh3891
@hellsbellsmelons

I don't think you read my post properly. I was asking op how many times does she give in to sex because it's easier to do so than to deal with his punishment for not doing so. Because one time is too many.

I knew reading comprehension had got bad on Mumsnet but I didn't think it was this bad

It really saddens me that women have to come on here asking if the relationship is ok or abusive because their pathetic, sulking manchild has made them doubt themselves.

MissHemsworth I'm 99.9% sure that my husband would never behave like this, I'd say 100% but you can never be certain. But if he did behave in this manner, I'd be divorcing him immediately. It's not acceptable to demand sex and then lay blame on the women when they don't give in.

I know it makes me a bit sad but I watch EastEnders and they are just starting a storyline on a man that seemed the dream husband but it's slowly coming out that he's using coercive control over his wife.

And Fairy I went back to double check on your posts and I'm not sure how people misconstrued it.

The sulking isn't the issue.

The coercion/groping etc is.

The kindest thing to call him would be a sex pest. But he's actually an abuser. And clearly a waste of space.

Do you really want to live like this?

He is a disgusting sex pest.
And as PP’s have pointed out - a deluded narcissist.
‘It’s your fault for being so sexy’ - this is the defence invoked by rape apologists.

@CitadelsofScience

Thank you! I thought it was pretty clear.

He’s abusive and his behaviour is immature. He’s got no self control at all. You’re feelings don’t have to be justified. You are entitled to feel whatever you want. Do not put up with this!

I feel this! I think the only thing that helped me personally was sitting him down and basically telling him if I say no or stop then fucking stop. Boundaries are there for a reason and no I don’t want hands down my top while I’m picking chicken in Asda.

Good luck and if he doesn’t start to listen.. dump him

He gropes you in public??

The relationship lacks intimacy. He doesn’t read your feelings or respond appropriately to your emotions. I bet if you begrudgingly let him get a leg over he would jump you eagerly & pump away Without a care or consideration about your personal enjoyment. This kind of behaviour is bordering on #metoo movement issues. It is sexual harassment. He pesters you for sex & thinks because you are “his” wife you should respond accordingly.

In his head “me like sex, wife have titties, me touch titties, wife shouty, wife mean & nasty.” - sorry to say your husband is literally a caveman.

In my personal experience he is probably not that great in bed either & your libido would come back in full force with a new partner who was actually receptive to your needs & understands intimacy between couples. This loser is not it. I can’t believe you have managed to stay with him so long!

He must be a taker in other ways... is he a good dad? Mine played the perfect part of good dad, but in hindsight he only did with his kids what he wanted & on his time. He didn’t actually sacrifice much time for his kids if it didn’t suit his schedule. I’m sure his ex wife had the measure of him but it took me awhile to see this “great guy” act was just that - an act to hide a very selfish, mysogynistic individual.

With mine stayed 1.5 years but no kids... my libido was dead by the time I kicked him out. It came back quickly afterwards, which was a pleasant surprise.