DH & sulking over sex

[MissHemsworth]

Hello,

Just a bit of advice needed really. DH & I have been together 15 years, married for 9 of those. He's always had quite a high sex drive. He will quite often stare (provocatively) at my boobs/grope me/wake me up for sex in the night even though I have told him I don't like these things. Cuddles etc always lead to sex etc.

His response will be to sulk (he's recently not spoken to me for over a week because I got back from seeing family at 1am on a Sunday & had to be up again at 5 so was too tired to have sex).

He also says things like 'well I can't help it if I really fancy you' and 'it's your fault for being so sexy'. Basically by saying that he's implying (I think) that I should be so grateful that he finds me attractive (he has said & done other things that as well).

It's almost like he feels like he should be rewarded because he finds me attractive. My question is would this bother you? If so what would your response be?

Also, so not to drip feed, other than us having two primary aged DC, both working FT & him being away a lot we have quite a healthy sex life.

Aside from this we have little communication between us (he's incredibly difficult to have a conversation with), but will help around the house if asked. I have posted previously about other issues we have had in the relationship. Any advice appreciated.

The groping...I don't love it. But it's more his reaction to asking him to stop (nicely I might add) that has pissed me off & has given me an insight into how his mind is working. It's off putting to say the least.

He's incredibly lazy around the house. Completely uninvolved in the kids lives. Clueless about school holiday dates, childcare etc. Happy to leave everything to me.

Like a lot of the posters on MN I am knackered from working, school runs, keeping the house, the mental load & life admin. Sex is the last thing on my mind. I have told him to step up countless times. Occasionally he will run the hoover round (usually when he knows a friend/family member is going to arrive so he looks good doing it) & expects praise/a reward for it.

@MrsTerryPratchett we have a 12 year old (DP’s from a previous relationship) and a 7 month old and twice a week would be our minimum.
My DP does work 12 hour shifts 5 days a week but it’s part of our relationship we both enjoy a lot so it’s something we make time for 🤷🏻‍♀️ I do know everyone’s different though so of course twice a weeks plenty for a lot

@MissHemsworth nah I wouldn’t be tolerating the lack of help or involvement. Sex would be far too much a reward in that sense. The groping is a no no like he should respect you more than that!

@littleFairy is NOT condoning anything.
She is asking the OP to check how many times she 'gives in' because it is too much hassle otherwise.

ie, recognising coercion (HTH)

@Nanny0gg I don't know...we're going away tomorrow so will see how he is on holiday. Needless to say he's been no help with any holiday preparations!

Your husband sounds like a stupid, moodly, hormonal fifteen year old. Except most fifteen year olds nowadays would not dare to grope for fear of being put on the sex offenders register. He needs to grow up and learn to have respect.

As for him not helping you in any way, that is dreadful.

This post really resonated with me. I had similar in my previous marriage, particularly the sulking for several days. Very wearing and really ground me down. Same reasons as OP, often sex related. It was during another 4 day silent treatment that I had my light bulb moment and called it a day. It's just not ok, and has been said by others, it's coercion.

However he is on holiday, it's not going to change how he is in Real Life.

You need to decide if you want your life to consist of constantly fighting off a sex pest who doesn't see that he needs any other involvement in family life.

Or find someone who actually respects you.

my god ... forgive me for saying this .. but i want to punch your husband in the face.

Hi op.

I am feeling quite concerned for you. I am actually worried for your safety. You could stay with him but what if the situation escalated!? Wouldn't it be better. To leave him and be on your own? Sometimes it's better to be alone, than be with a man who clearly does not respect you. I wouldn't want to share a bed with a man like him tbh.

He sounds a complete knucklehead. Thick and limited. No conversation, lazy, no personality. Yuk. Neanderthal man lives on in some men.

He sound emotionally and sexually abusive

Download a copy of Susan Forward's "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" to take with you.