Hi everyone,
I'm at a loss with the relationship between my partner and our 4 year old son.
A little bit about our son. He is a mellow child, well mannered, with whom I can have conversations about life and silly things, we do lots of things together and we enjoy each others company, he's very bright, kind, I could go on.
But he's still a 4 year old, so the old tantrum here and there, coupled with him having started a new nursery since the beginning of the month, and an ear infection so enough on his plate. My DP on the other hand blames my son for everything and seems to have a very short temper lately. DP blames DS for his lack of sleep, telling him he ruined his sleep, tells him that he's selfish, DS only thinking of himself, laughing when he gets hurt, told him he'd die if he doesn't eat his veg. I am so close to leaving him.
Today DS got angry at DP for teasing him and kicked DP. DP then pinned him down and DS started screaming mommy!mommy! I rushed from the kitchen urge DP to let him go and DP insisting DS needs to learn not to kick because it's not ok. So he keeps holding him down, DS clearly distressed and DP telling telling DS to say he's sorry. I told him it doesn't work like that, DS is too upset. Grabbed his arm and tried to free DS but well he is much stronger.
This has had such an impact on me. I dread to think how my son felt in the moment. I was physically, emotionally and verbally abused as a child. It triggered me really bad, it sent me right back to my childhood. I have anxiety and suffer from PTSD (go to therapy). I carry such a heavy burden of ending the cycle, but I'm scared of leaving my son without a constant father through separation.
After DS settled I wanted to talk to him. Asked how he was feeling, he couldn't say so I brought a book with kids faces that show emotions. DS pointed to a sad face and said he wanted to break free but couldn't and started crying again asking why wouldn't daddy let me go?
I want him to get some help. I suggested this in the past, he said he doesn't feel he needs it. I ordered some books on child (and brain)development so he could read (I cling to the last thread of hope). I know that if he doesn't make any progress in this sense, we would have to go our separate ways. We are supposed to share childcare, although I end up doing most of it just to give DP more time for himself, rest etc I barely sleep but I still manage to stay calm because I developed this dialogue with DP where he tells me what's wrong. But DPs mood doesn't change. I fell I have to amend my behaviour not to upset him (exactly what I did as a child and hated it). I'm not scared of him, but if I say try a calmer tone when he's disciplining DS he'l lose it. I don't agree with the common front for parents. My parents did that although it killed my mom to witness the abuse, but now I find her equally to blame although I can rationalize her position at them time.
DP spends most of his time on his phone then complains he has no time left. I restrict my phone usage while DS is with us. DS goes 3 full days, and 2 half days at a private nursery. We only spend the weekend together (I settle him for bedtime during the week). I feel that my son deserves better.
Please be kind.