Partner pinned down 4 yr old

[anonaoc]

Hi everyone,

I'm at a loss with the relationship between my partner and our 4 year old son.
A little bit about our son. He is a mellow child, well mannered, with whom I can have conversations about life and silly things, we do lots of things together and we enjoy each others company, he's very bright, kind, I could go on.
But he's still a 4 year old, so the old tantrum here and there, coupled with him having started a new nursery since the beginning of the month, and an ear infection so enough on his plate. My DP on the other hand blames my son for everything and seems to have a very short temper lately. DP blames DS for his lack of sleep, telling him he ruined his sleep, tells him that he's selfish, DS only thinking of himself, laughing when he gets hurt, told him he'd die if he doesn't eat his veg. I am so close to leaving him.
Today DS got angry at DP for teasing him and kicked DP. DP then pinned him down and DS started screaming mommy!mommy! I rushed from the kitchen urge DP to let him go and DP insisting DS needs to learn not to kick because it's not ok. So he keeps holding him down, DS clearly distressed and DP telling telling DS to say he's sorry. I told him it doesn't work like that, DS is too upset. Grabbed his arm and tried to free DS but well he is much stronger.
This has had such an impact on me. I dread to think how my son felt in the moment. I was physically, emotionally and verbally abused as a child. It triggered me really bad, it sent me right back to my childhood. I have anxiety and suffer from PTSD (go to therapy). I carry such a heavy burden of ending the cycle, but I'm scared of leaving my son without a constant father through separation.
After DS settled I wanted to talk to him. Asked how he was feeling, he couldn't say so I brought a book with kids faces that show emotions. DS pointed to a sad face and said he wanted to break free but couldn't and started crying again asking why wouldn't daddy let me go?
I want him to get some help. I suggested this in the past, he said he doesn't feel he needs it. I ordered some books on child (and brain)development so he could read (I cling to the last thread of hope). I know that if he doesn't make any progress in this sense, we would have to go our separate ways. We are supposed to share childcare, although I end up doing most of it just to give DP more time for himself, rest etc I barely sleep but I still manage to stay calm because I developed this dialogue with DP where he tells me what's wrong. But DPs mood doesn't change. I fell I have to amend my behaviour not to upset him (exactly what I did as a child and hated it). I'm not scared of him, but if I say try a calmer tone when he's disciplining DS he'l lose it. I don't agree with the common front for parents. My parents did that although it killed my mom to witness the abuse, but now I find her equally to blame although I can rationalize her position at them time.
DP spends most of his time on his phone then complains he has no time left. I restrict my phone usage while DS is with us. DS goes 3 full days, and 2 half days at a private nursery. We only spend the weekend together (I settle him for bedtime during the week). I feel that my son deserves better.

Please be kind.

Leave, and report him too. Your child deserves better

While she's there she has the opportunity to protect her child. She's going to need to have strategies to protect and support her son.

He's 4. No way she's going to be able to prove emotional abuse. If she's present she can document it all. She can accuse him of child abuse and show proof.

How will she feel sending a 4 year old off to abusive man and have to listen to what's happening without anyway to prevent it? I'd do everything in my power to stay and find a way to minimise the interaction with the father until the boy is older and will be listened to by a court.

Horrible to read 😞

Be a proper parent and protect your son.

As a fellow child abuse sufferer, I wish my mother had taken me away and I can 150% say for certain if any person did any of the things your H has to my son I'd be reporting them to the police, their employer and more importantly getting the fuck out of there. As if you even have to ask. Also, your therapist is a wanker telling you to stay and keep trying. Your child is being abused. Sorry to be harsh OP. You must be hurting too, and I'm sorry he's put you in this position, but you must leave, now.

This is so tragic. Don't let your son suffer the same way that you did.

You need to leave - I think you know that already. You need to be transparent with the authorities now so that your partner does not get unsupervised contact with your DS.

Your post makes it clear that this is not a totally out of character one off incident. Your partner laughs when your tiny son hurts himself? This is not normal, it is not okay. Your partner cannot provide the nurturing that your DS needs. This is a case of having to limit your partner's involvement so he doesn't mess up your son's future.

It must feel like you're about to set fire to your whole life. But you really have to protect your kid. That means reporting your partner's behaviour and leaving (or having him leave).

I'm so sorry your partner is a horrible person. But what he's done is not normal, it's not okay and he needs to be pulled up on it by the authorities.

My mother never protected me, she let my stepfather abuse me in every possible way and stood by and did nothing.
We have no relationship now. i am totally unable to love or respect that woman.
You HAVE to protect your son and leave this man, he will not only detroy his own relationship with his son but also yours and he'll end up having years of mental health problems.
His behaviour towards your son is not and never will be acceptable.

I am fucking stunned that in 2019 the advice offered is to stay with an abusive cunt.

Do not think of your partner or his feelings, you have to protect your son!

You are failing him like your mother failed you. It’s got physical, all you can do now is put your grown up pants on. Stand up, report it, log everything that’s happened. Go for full custody.

You have to try and fight to get your son safe and out of this situation. Those saying he’d get 50/50, op won’t know until she tries to go for 100 and supervised contact. No Dad is better than an abusivr one!!!

look at it from another angle....
You're in a supermarket and a man strides over, he pins your son to the floor while sneering mommy mommy.
What would you do? Nothing? Report to police? Scream for help?

Your son's father is supposed to be the adult that your son can turn to for comfort, help and security and more importantly trust.
From what you have written the complete opposite appears to be the case.
Your son deserves to feel secure and happy around the very people who are supposed to be protecting him.
If you feel that your son deserves to be terrorised, then sure, stay.
Otherwise do the decent thing and leave.
I don't want to sound horrible, but by staying it makes you as bad as your partner as you're condoning rather than condemming.

I'm really alarmed by your post and some of the responses re this abuser.
Remove yourself and your son now.

My first ever- LTB

well done, your allowing your partner to abuse your son.. Good job!!!!!!

He is abusing your son.
There is only one way you can protect your son:
you & your son need to leave.
I hope you love your son enough to do that.

Leave him and do it now. Now. Do it.

OP actually wasn't able to protect her child today. Why will she be able to protect him 100% of the time in the future if she couldn't do it today?

Like I said, never understand that train of thought

Well we have no way of knowing how much further this would have escalated had OP not been there. She also witnessed what happened and was able to offer support to her child in the aftermath. Left alone with his abuser, who knows whether this child would be too scared to tell an adult what was happening to him. Or if he would even be able to articulate it at his age.

I don’t agree that OP should stay in a relationship with an abusive man. But it’s naive to think that the above is not a consideration. Of course it is. This man should not be having unsupervised contact with his child. OP doesn’t necessarily have to be the one doing the supervising, but it is important to give consideration to how supervised contact can be achieved. Just leaving as a knee jerk reaction is not smart. OP, I think you need some professional advice from somewhere. Perhaps you need to call the police and report this as an assault so that there is a record of the abuse. Maybe try posting in legal for assistance.

thank you. I can't just leave, I need to think this through. I've spoken to his sister. She will speak to him tomorrow and offer him to go to her place for 2 weeks and figure things out. She will ask him to go to counselling. At this moment a separation is the only way out.
But I can't just leave, we will end up in the streets. We also have a mutual friend who'se gone through this and she'll talk to him how her ex's actions affected her son (P and friend are old time,good friends I know he'll listen to her. Said friend is divorced).

You can leave, there is always a way to leave.

Speaking to his sister and a friend about him won't make him a better person. Quite the opposite. He is more likely to be annoyed that you have exposed him. Please take some time to find out where and who to call for help.

How exactly do people think her leaving is going to protect her son? I'm genuinely interested given there's no prayer of blocking unsupervised access.

I only had to read the first bit of your OP to know you need to leave him. Let alone the pinning down.

And there’s always a way to leave, though not necessarily always an easy way.

I’d be looking into staying in a women’s refuge, claiming benefits for a while and being rehomed well away from that bastard.

You go to the Police, report and they will report to SS and other agency's who will rehouse you. By staying with him making excuses why you are unable to leave, despite the risk to your child, you are enabling his abuse of your son. SS have grounds to remove your child from your care because you know what your partner did, but you still stayed.

You ordered books after you witnessed your DS being a victim of domestic abuse? Are you serious? You need to break off all contact with your “DP” and report him to the police! Seriously!!

Reading that made me so sad for your son. Your son needs you to protect him. Please do. You already know first hand what abuse could do to a child when they become an adult. Take care of your son and yourself 💐

Except you can “just leave “ you just don’t want to. You can work, there is childcare, there are social services, he can pay maintenance, the police, women’s refuge, family, friends So many options. For goodness sake op.