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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am absolutely shitting myself

104 replies

SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 15:54

because I need to tell my XH that I am seeing someone!

For background info: we've been separated for a year, living separately. He is still very much in la-la land thinking we'll get back together at some point, even though I keep telling him it will never happen. He will be heartbroken and angry and I am going to get so much shit....

We have DS9 together, he loves his dad dearly and I would never want it to change. Due to my own stupidity DS found out I have a special friend and I had to ask him to let me break the news to dad. This just goes against everything I told DS about keeping secrets... I did say it's not a secret, it's just that it's best coming from me.

I really screwed up, haven't I? It's so unfair on DS... I've reassured him that nothing is going to change, he's still my absolute favourite in the world and I love him the most.

I will have to tell XH about my friend, about the fact that DS already knows and he's going to make my life hell.

How would you deal with this?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/07/2019 15:56

I think you are dealing with it to the best of your abilities OP. Sometimes shit just happens.

Best tell him asap though so the bairn doesn't feel burdened and try not to worry too much about his reaction. Yes you might get shit but it was bound to happen to one of you sooner or later.

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 16:00

Thanks @gamerchick.

I told him just three weeks ago how I'm never going to get involved with anyone again and then met my new friend. XH is so going to accuse me of lying!

Just got to put my big girl pants on and take everything that's coming my way, right?

OP posts:
likeridingabike · 15/07/2019 16:04

It's actually none of his business he'll just have to deal with it. You are entitled to have relationships, provided you are careful how and when boyfriends are introduced to your DS this is life it's not messing up.

Time to move forward with a divorce maybe? I personally wouldn't have wanted the separated but not yet divorced phase to have gone on any longer than absolutely necessary.

gamerchick · 15/07/2019 16:05

OP it doesn't matter what he thinks and says. His opinion on relationships no longer matter. What matters is you both being parents, that's all.

Bite the bullet, it's time to close that book on your past and start a new one.

Mum4Fergus · 15/07/2019 16:12

Wait, so you've only been dating this person for 3 weeks?

roothyb · 15/07/2019 16:15

Try be sympathetic but not too much that your putting yourself in the position that he can turn it against you. Say you've met someone else and you are going to continue to see him and see what happens. It's early days etc. Tell him you hope he understands that it's not something you wish to discuss any further with him and you'd like the privacy to just get on with it.

If he turns nasty, just walk away! Refuse to be dragged into an argument.

If he's upset then console him, but not physically, but say I know this is a difficult situation and you feel for him, but at the end of the day it was going to happen sooner or later.

Try be brave about it. Go in weak and scared to tell him and he will know he has you by the short and curlies! Be strong and confident

RoseOfSharyn · 15/07/2019 16:18

Who did you tell you were never going to meet anyone? DS or EXH?
Regardless that was a bit of a daft thing to say.

Its none of your Exs business, and at 3 weeks shouldn't be your DSs business either.

Say nothing more to either, keep it discrete and see what happens in a few months.

RoseOfSharyn · 15/07/2019 16:21

@roothyb console him? Seriously?! He's a grown man, and an ex. It is fuck all to do with him. He sounds like he is an abusive arse, and consoling him I'd only going to pander to that.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/07/2019 16:22

Sounds like it's just as well he's an Ex.
It's been a year.
You are doing nothing wrong at all.
Just let him know you are have started causally dating a guy and it's very early days and it's very casual for now.
It's actually none of his business.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2019 16:23

It's only been 3 weeks. How did your son find out about this?

Somersetlady · 15/07/2019 16:23

If you only met your new friend 3 weeks ago do you really need to tell your xh already if you think it will cause problems? It is very early days and might not go anywhere yet?

IceQueenCometh · 15/07/2019 16:26

It's none of his business. Just give him the very bare facts and say as little as possible. Don't answer his questions. You don't have to take shit or anything else from him. He's your EX H. Walk away

As for DS, tell him you have told XH but then don't mention it again. Let things settle down and then introduce the topic again when the time is right. I'd leave it for some considerable time tbh.

roothyb · 15/07/2019 16:29

@RoseOfSharyn calm your tits you radge! She's just told the guy 3 weeks ago she wasn't interested in meeting anyone. He's gonna be heartbroken. What's a wee "look pal I'm really sorry, I know you're gonna be upset and I'm sorry you feel that way"

DecomposingComposers · 15/07/2019 16:31

How does your son know about the new man if you've only known him for 3 weeks?

Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 16:40

After 3 weeks I wouldn’t tell anyone. You could split up next week.

LegionOfDoom · 15/07/2019 16:40

Also confused at how your ds found out about someone you’ve only been seeing for 3 weeks. That’s way too early to be introducing as your, what, boyfriend? Why did you not just tell your ds he was a friend?

Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 16:41

How special can this friend be if you only met him 3 weeks ago?

ThatCurlyGirl · 15/07/2019 16:42

Can you clarify OP that you've only been seeing the new guy for three weeks?

AnneKipanki · 15/07/2019 16:43

When did you meet special friend ?

RoseOfSharyn · 15/07/2019 16:44

@roothyb your post made me giggle. Are you a north-easterner? Calm your tits you radge is something we would say where I'm from. Apologies if I offended. I just think the ex needs to get a grip and realise life goes on.

TheCatThatDanced · 15/07/2019 16:47

3 weeks of seeing a new man is way too soon to be making assumptions about it being a new 'relationship', well in my book anyway.

FuriousVexation · 15/07/2019 16:48

Oh FFS sake - DS obviously found out accidentally, probably through hearing phone convos.

OP I' d breezily go with "right so DS will be with you next weekend? That;s great as I have a date".

demands for more details: No. It's none of your business.

Have you had advice from Womans Aid OP? Or looked at the freedom programme? You are still being controlled by your ex.

dottiedodah · 15/07/2019 16:57

Well unless you are going to take a vow of Celibacy/become a Nun or whatever.this was bound to happen some time surely? .Just explain gently to him, that you have met someone new and are taking it slowly right now .I get that its not good your DS found out ,but if you try to keep secrets it never works out .He will probably have friends whose parents have split up ,so its not exactly unusual for him.I think to probably consider Divorce, as its not fair to him if he harbours hopes of getting back together and will enable him to move forward too.

Cheeseandwin5 · 15/07/2019 17:01

You have done nothing wrong are totally free to see anyone you want, so you dont need to be scared or worried but please ignore some of the man hating ranters on this and have some compassion.
Your EXH still obviously loves you and you have a shared history that includes your DC.
I would just say how you would like to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 15/07/2019 17:08

Does he tell you who he is shagging/ dating? It’s none of his business
He has absolutely no right to be angry or cause problems, if he finds out just say it’s nothing serious and don’t take any shit from him he’s an ex for a reason