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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am absolutely shitting myself

104 replies

SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 15:54

because I need to tell my XH that I am seeing someone!

For background info: we've been separated for a year, living separately. He is still very much in la-la land thinking we'll get back together at some point, even though I keep telling him it will never happen. He will be heartbroken and angry and I am going to get so much shit....

We have DS9 together, he loves his dad dearly and I would never want it to change. Due to my own stupidity DS found out I have a special friend and I had to ask him to let me break the news to dad. This just goes against everything I told DS about keeping secrets... I did say it's not a secret, it's just that it's best coming from me.

I really screwed up, haven't I? It's so unfair on DS... I've reassured him that nothing is going to change, he's still my absolute favourite in the world and I love him the most.

I will have to tell XH about my friend, about the fact that DS already knows and he's going to make my life hell.

How would you deal with this?

OP posts:
AlaskanOilBaron · 15/07/2019 18:15

No don't bring your SF with you, that's no way for a grown up to behave!

Just something like 'I'm sorry if this comes as a surprise to you but I'm moving on and you need to do the same.'

Original poster
SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 18:17

Not DH, definitely nothing Dear about him! I'm getting myself in a right flap here but everyone's advice is really helping to think rationally again.

OP posts:
Original poster
SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 18:21

@AlaskanOilBaron I don't like XH. If I liked him I'd still be with him. I do not want cause heartache to anyone though, even people I don't like. That's normal, isn't it?

I would love nothing more than divorce him officially but I don't have £550 lying around to apply for divorce. I am on £22K salary with bills to pay. XH will not share any expenses, he doesn't even pay child maintenance!

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 15/07/2019 18:25

Hi OP, I know how you feel. My ex can be nasty and volatile so its understandable that you're worried.
Firstly I genuinely don't think you need to say anything at all to your ex. If your DS says anything about a SF, and then confronts you, you just say that he is nothing more than a friend who is the dad of DS' friend. Leave it at that cos its not entirely untrue at the moment. I would then tell him that its technically none of his business anyway, which it isn't. He doesn't get to dictate to you any more.

Poppi89 · 15/07/2019 18:26

I defo don't think you should say anything about your SF as it's such early days and if he causes trouble you don't want him to ruin it or your DS friendship. But I think he needs to know that you won't be getting back with him and you're planning to date other people, so when he does find out it won't be such a shock for him and he will hopefully act better. I would probably mention that you have decided to start dating again by trying a dating site or a friend wants to set you up on a blind date (just something casual to ease him into it). Then you don't have to worry if your DS does say you have met someone.

Original poster
SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 18:33

Right then. The consensus is not to bring it up with DS again, not to go out on playdates with SF and his son to distance DS from the situation and not bother saying anything to XH because it's very early days. If DS mentions anything to dad then brush it off with 'It's nothing serious and none of your business anyway'.

Would that be a reasonable plan of action?

OP posts:
Eaudear · 15/07/2019 18:34

Did you only actually meet SF 3 weeks ago or have you known him a while and he just became 'special' 3 weeks ago?

tomatostottie · 15/07/2019 18:35

XH will not share any expenses, he doesn't even pay child maintenance!
Why not?

I don't have £550 lying around to apply for divorce.
Obviously you're very strapped for cash. Is there anything you could sell to get the 550 quid? Maybe a gift he gave you once upon a time or several smaller items. It has to be worth it to be free of him.

BrendasUmbrella · 15/07/2019 18:38

In your situation it is best to tell him before your DS does.

"Just so you know, I've started seeing someone, I thought I'd let you know in case you hear it from anyone else." Don't go into detail, annd don't be apologetic.

And don't be coy and use terms like "special friend".

justasking111 · 15/07/2019 18:40

He is not special yet, if he talks to ex. and ex. kicks off, he may run for the hills as will subsequent male friends. He is just a friend you may fancy, he may fancy you. Let it be and say nothing to anyone. Do not let your DS see you holding hands or anything in the least romantic.

I suspect your ex. is pumping your DS for info. and putting ideas in his head.

Original poster
SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 18:47

@Eaudear known him a while through playdates (his DS at mine, my DS at his etc) but then we both realised we enjoy each other's company and want to get to know each other better. Then it turned out we share same values and outlook on life and have many common interests together.

@tomatostottie no maintenance because he never has any money as it gets spent on booze and weed. I might just try and get a credit card and put it on that!

@BrendasUmbrella please tell me what I am suppose to refer to this person as? He's not my partner, not my boyfriend but definitely more than just a friend.

OP posts:
Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 18:51

If you’ve not even kissed yet I would definitely not tell him. Give it much longer when you are in a more established relationship.

Original poster
SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 19:08

@Indigo2019 but if my DS want to talk about it to his dad? I can let him find out from a 9yo, can I?

OP posts:
Original poster
SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 19:08

I can't let him find out that is

OP posts:
Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 19:09

Well there’s not much to tell is there? If my dc was In the same situation, I don’t think they would mention it unless someone had made a big deal of it.

Poppi89 · 15/07/2019 19:11

I also think you need to save up for a divorce (I can't see him helping with the cost) as I think this will stop any ideas he has of you getting back together and acting possessive. Unless your in an area with very high rent then 22k is a decent wage, I earn nearly half that and single parent but I would want to pay that just to get rid of that attachment he has to you.

Poppi89 · 15/07/2019 19:12

If your DS says anything and he asks what it's about then you can be truthful and say you've met someone but you're not with them and you've not even kissed them yet and it's none of his business.

ThatCurlyGirl · 15/07/2019 19:14

Him being the one to "tell" your ex (even though you haven't even kissed yet!!) would be massively overstepping and make him look like a wanker. If I were you and new guy offered to do this, I'd think it was a bit of a dick move. Especially three weeks in when you haven't kissed, let alone established a relationship!

As far as what term to use, he's someone you've just started seeing. You don't have an obligation to label it.

In the kindest possible way OP, it's been three weeks. Chill.

category12 · 15/07/2019 19:20

Just tell your ex you've started dating. There doesn't need to be any more said than that. You don't need to tell him who or how long or anything.

You've really got to ask yourself why you're having so much contact with someone so erratic that you're quite frightened of. You need distance and to reduce contact.

Original poster
SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 19:21

In the kindest possible way OP, it's been three weeks. Chill

I really needed to hear that. Honestly, thanks. I just know what my XH is like so I descended into panic mode.

OP posts:
Original poster
SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 19:25

@category12 I'm forced to have contact because of DS. We're in a difficult situation where XH does not have fixed abode but is either staying with his mother or does live-in jobs. There are no alternate weekends or overnight stays, it's very ad-hoc. I have to go along with it because DS wants to see dad as much as possible and if I interfere with that then DS will be upset, XH will turn nasty and will take it out on me.

OP posts:
Waytooearly · 15/07/2019 19:26

I too found myself feeling really guilty towards my x when I started dating again. I found myself wondering how to Tell Him when it's like, 'Wait, we've split up and I'm dating someone. What's to tell?'

Your panic around this can be an indication that you need more counselling to fell free of him. Telling your little boy to keep the secret gave him the message that you should both be scared of his Dad, and appease him.

Just tell your little boy, 'You saw me holding hands with SF, that's okay, sometimes we hold hands because we like each other'. Keep it light, then change the subject to something your son is actually interested in.

Waytooearly · 15/07/2019 19:27

Honestly it sounds like you're still being abused.

Original poster
SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 20:17

@Waytooearly I explicitly told DS this is not a secret but it would be best if dad found out from me. It's the best I could do at the time.

It might sound hard to believe but in every other aspect of my life I am very strong and level-headed but whenever XH gives me an evil look I die inside because I know what's coming. I'm no abuse victim though, I got out!

OP posts:
category12 · 15/07/2019 20:18

As per pp, you're in an abusive situation still. You really need to get something better in place, you shouldn't be living in fear of your ex's moods. Could contact be through his mother?