I am absolutely shitting myself

[SwishSwishSheesh]

because I need to tell my XH that I am seeing someone!

For background info: we've been separated for a year, living separately. He is still very much in la-la land thinking we'll get back together at some point, even though I keep telling him it will never happen. He will be heartbroken and angry and I am going to get so much shit....

We have DS9 together, he loves his dad dearly and I would never want it to change. Due to my own stupidity DS found out I have a special friend and I had to ask him to let me break the news to dad. This just goes against everything I told DS about keeping secrets... I did say it's not a secret, it's just that it's best coming from me.

I really screwed up, haven't I? It's so unfair on DS... I've reassured him that nothing is going to change, he's still my absolute favourite in the world and I love him the most.

I will have to tell XH about my friend, about the fact that DS already knows and he's going to make my life hell.

How would you deal with this?

@category12 my X-MIL's house is a health hazard. She's borderline hoarder who smokes in her house and she's very overwhelmed by looking after her 95yo father. I wouldn't want to put any of this mess on her. Thanks for the suggestion though.

It's been three weeks. You're only exploring the idea in your head and the most you've done is held hands. Nobody should know about this - DS, XH included. I know DS saw you hold hands but I think you could have explained that differently. I think until you figure out where this is going it's next not to do those things near DS.

Right now it's an idea. You're thinking about the possibility of a lovely new relationship and so is he. It's really exciting but it might come to nothing so a big reveal to XH is pointless.

If it does come up definitely avoid using the phrase 'special friend'

@amiapropermum yep I am fully aware how juvenile it sounds but that's the only way I could explain it to DS and it stuck.

I won't be telling XH anything yet. I will stop playdates where both me and Friend are present and hope it all blows over.

Well you've not even kissed this man yet.

Just tell your ex you've met someone you're interested in. Nothing has happened yet. Don't mention your son. Leave it there. Close it down and move on. You don't need to take some losers shit because you were once involved with him.

And to be honest you sound like you're relishing rhe drama.

It really doesn't sound like a good time to start dating, tbh.

You're separated from your ex, but basically still terrified of him and terrorised by him. You have no proper contact arrangements for your ds, you're not getting any child support and he would threaten your new bloke if he knew about him.

Are you getting any support from domestic abuse services/Women's Aid or the like?

I think pausing the playdates for a week or two is sensible but if it's something you've routinely done for a while - before feelings developed- then no need to stop them altogether. Business as usual I reckon. You've done nothing wrong.

Oh dear, so you have no affection for him and he doesn't pay maintenance.

Honestly, why are you worried? Just fulfil your promise to your son and move on... I agree that you should consider counselling.

I would ignore the posts about it being too early to start dating again, you deserve some fun in your life. Just try to be more scrupulous about keeping it separate from your son so that he doesn't stress out.

@SwishSwishSheesh

You're welcome for some tough love OP I know it's hard to keep perspective when you've come out of a horrible relationship.

I would suggest having been there that if you're catastrophising this early on and before even a kiss, you are nowhere near ready to be starting a new relationship.

You need to be much further down the line and have strong boundaries and resilience in place or you're at huge risk of having another abusive relationship. I say that regardless of the merits or flaws specifically of the new guy on the scene, it's not about him - I mean in general you're at risk of falling back into the familiarity of an emotionally damaging relationship.

I'd strongly suggest some therapy that is focused on getting you resilient (and as my therapist put it, able to be selfish) so you don't have to feel this twisted knotted stomach feeling when you are ready to move on.

Hope you're ok I say all this with love and with experience of getting it wrong before!

I understand how you feel. I let my exH have far too much input into my life for a LONG time after he left.

Put it this way, though. Whats the worst that could happen? He can't withold your maintenance, because he's a scunner who doesnt pay any (get that sorted, btw). If he phones you and shouts abuse, put the phone down. Block his number temporarily. If he comes to your house and makes threats, PHONE THE POLICE.

You have a friend. You are a single woman, you're allowed to have any friends you like. You don't have to explain or excuse those friends to your ex, or indeed to your DS.

@Bluntness100 as I said previously I detest drama. Have you never been worried or anxious about something bad happening? If so then good for you. Maybe it makes me a lesser person than you, I can live with that.

@funnylittlefloozie you make good points, thanks.

@ThatCurlyGirl I am very wary of men following what XH put me through. Hence not even kissing the Friend yet. It so happens that he ticks every box, a complete opposite of XH, in a good way.
I am in no way desperate to be in a relationship but I find myself enjoying our time together.

I wouldn’t worry too much. It’s been a year.

I’m sure your ex has had at least one new experience in that time.

It’s easy to loose perspective when your ex is an arse but I’m going to give you some. Stop placating your Ex, stop ‘handling’ him. His difficulty in coming to terms with your separation is his problem to come to terms with. By placating him, you give him and your son the impression that you’ve done something wrong.

If he can’t respect your boundaries by harping on about your past relationship, you need to get tough and limit your exposure it.

A date disguised as a play date, with a parent of a friend of your child, what possessed you.

A date disguised as a play date, with a parent of a friend of your child, what possessed you

It's nothing new to either of our children, it wasn't the first time all four of us went to the park together. We did it before we got romantically interested in each other.

If things don't move on romantically and either one of you move on to someone else leaving behind the other what would happen to your sons friendship?

I know you can't help who you fall for.

Also if down the line you move in together your son will be living and I presume socialising / seeing each other at school.

I know you have told him nothing will change but how is that possible?

Well yes asking your son not to talk about something is asking him to keep a secret. It doesn't matter if it's for a notionally limited time.

More importantly it shows him that Dad is in control and you both have to play games and placate him.

@louise5754 whilst I cannot help who I fall for I most certainly can control where and whom I live with. I refuse to share living arrangements with a man ever again. It's not going to happen, I have total control over it.

👍🏻

It might hurt less to tell him while the relationship is new, rather than hearing that you have been seeing someone for a while. Even if it doesn't work out it gets him used to the idea.

Public place, phone with camera handy.

Be kind to yourself OP x

You have got physical separation. That's progress. You are still in an abusive situation with your XH. The dynamic is unhealthy for both you and your DC.

Regardless of what happens here, please look at the Freedom Programme. It is a life changer.

It's not going to happen, I have total control over it.

You said the same about having a relationship, just 3 weeks ago, but here we are.

Plus, you've got decades ahead of you, your son won't be a child forever, and you don't know how you may feel at a later date. Never say never.

I don't get why people are giving you grief about dating again...well 'dating' lol. If you like this guy, go for it! You've been separated from partner for a year, why shouldn't you date again if you like someone. Finding someone you click with who is nice really isn't easy, some people spend years and never find it. You should continue to see him if you want. Just be ready for the inevitable reckoning offa asshole ex. But hey, maybe best get that over with and hopefully he will finally realise that you two are over.

@TeaForTheWin I know why people giving me grief, I am actually very disappointed in myself for feeling all mushy over a man again. Me from three weeks ago is totally rolling eyes at me today!

I haven't felt this worried sick since before I left my XH a year ago. I think it's because I wasn't careful enough around my DS. I feel so guilty for making him part of this... DS hasn't mentioned anything to me so there's a tiny hope he's not paid it as much attention as I might think.

I refuse to share living arrangements with a man ever again. It's not going to happen, I have total control over it.

Right, like 3 weeks ago you were sure you'd never be interested in a man again. Further down the road, when new man isn't happy with this arrangement and says it's a dealbreaker and he'll end it unless you move things forward into living together, you fold like a crisp packet.

Have you done the Freedom programme or had any support from domestic abuse services/Women's Aid following your abusive relationship (which continues to be abusive even following separation)?