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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am absolutely shitting myself

104 replies

SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 15:54

because I need to tell my XH that I am seeing someone!

For background info: we've been separated for a year, living separately. He is still very much in la-la land thinking we'll get back together at some point, even though I keep telling him it will never happen. He will be heartbroken and angry and I am going to get so much shit....

We have DS9 together, he loves his dad dearly and I would never want it to change. Due to my own stupidity DS found out I have a special friend and I had to ask him to let me break the news to dad. This just goes against everything I told DS about keeping secrets... I did say it's not a secret, it's just that it's best coming from me.

I really screwed up, haven't I? It's so unfair on DS... I've reassured him that nothing is going to change, he's still my absolute favourite in the world and I love him the most.

I will have to tell XH about my friend, about the fact that DS already knows and he's going to make my life hell.

How would you deal with this?

OP posts:

LuckyLou7 · 15/07/2019 17:14

After only 3 weeks, I really wouldn't bother telling your ex. 3 months? Perhaps. It's none of his business who you date, and maybe he is also dating someone. Are you absolutely sure he will be heartbroken? He might not give a shit.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 15/07/2019 17:17

Tell him nothing unless you like a bit of drama.

MrsGrammaticus · 15/07/2019 17:17

I'd just let your ex know fairly soon that in 'general' terms that you're no worries dating. No-one special yet, early days. You had to tell him sooner or later.

BrokenWing · 15/07/2019 17:20

I told him just three weeks ago how I'm never going to get involved with anyone again

Separated a year you really should be emotionally distancing yourself from him and not have that kind of private conversation. It could have given him false hope of reconciliation.

I would casually mention you've been on a couple of dates. No more. Then stop having conversations with him about relationships.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/07/2019 17:22

It's absolutely none of his business, so I wouldn't be telling him anything! Why would you? Utter madness, it just allows him to keep control over your life...why are you letting him do that?

You need a divorce sharpish, easy to do and you can do it yourself. That will put an end to this nonsense.

thetimekeeper · 15/07/2019 17:27

Why are you so worried about his reaction and appeasing him?

XH is so going to accuse me of lying!

So what? It's none of his business. And he shouldn't have put you in a position where you felt you had to promise lifelong celibacy to him following separation.

There is a difference between privacy and secrets/lying. You are entitled to privacy.

I agree with the pp who was getting controlling ex vibes about this. So, here's the link to the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Original poster

SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 17:30

Clarifications:

my DS is friends with my special friend's (SF) son. That's how me met. When we were out all together on Saturday (on the pretence of playdate) we thought they can't see us, we just quickly held hands and the two kids sneaked up on us and saw it. I didn't want my DS to wonder what's going on so explained about my SF....

I have to tell my XH because I don't want my DS to be burdened with a secret. It's a shit thing to do. No nine-year-old needs that in their life.

Three weeks ago I genuinely thought I'm done with men forever. My XH asks me every time he sees me about having a boyfriend (in a sly dig way). I've had enough and told him to stop bringing it up because I wasn't going to have a boyfriend ever. It honestly was my intention to never get involved again!

OP posts:

Rachelover40 · 15/07/2019 17:33

I agree with all the others who think seeing someone for three weeks is nothing, in your place I would say to my son that you've been out with a chap a couple of times but not a big deal - and keep the relationship away from him from now.

However I get your point about not telling your ex, though it's not his business what you do, no one wants to cause hurt to another and he can't help how he feels.

Wait until you've been seeing someone for six months and are sure it's going somewhere before you start announcing it.

Original poster

SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 17:35

I am worried about his reactions because he can be very very cruel and nasty. I am also 99% he will approach SF and confront him!

FFS I absolutely detest drama and yet I've ended up in the middle of a shitstorm! Honestly, I could cry right now!

OP posts:

Original poster

SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 17:41

Oh and I realise how immature it is to call someone 'Special Friend'! I just can't bring myself to refer to him as boyfriend because we haven't even kissed yet!

OP posts:

RRJR · 15/07/2019 17:42

Why are you having conversations with your ex about never meeting anybody else?

I agree it’s none of his business who you date however you’ve probably given off false hope by having them type of conversations.

Also, You’ve been dating this man 3 weeks. Regardless of it being under the disguise of a “play date” do you really think it’s a good idea to have him around your son so soon?! You barely know him yourself... I’m not saying this man is dodgy I don’t even know him, but what I mean is you mind find you don’t even see a future with him yet you’ve already allowed your son to meet him?

Surely you should’ve been seeing him away from your son and introducing him when you know he’s okay and you can see a future with him?

Original poster

SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 17:46

@RRJR my DS met him BEFORE we developed interest in each other

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CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 15/07/2019 17:52

Hmm. I think the reason your ex has hope of you getting back together is because you are still having intimate discourse telling him 'how I'm never going to get involved with anyone again' is planting the seeds of hope. You also seem overly invested in how he will react, it seems to me that you are both still emotionally invested in each other. Why did you not say 'well not met anyone yet?' or even 'It's none of your businesss, I don't owe you an explanation or a heads up' or even 'I'll let you know when I do'

It was wrong of you to imply that other men were off the menu so to speak. Gives him mixed messages.

And I don't understand the drama.

Shitstorm?

Why?

Branleuse · 15/07/2019 17:54

it doesnt go against secrets, because people need to learn to not tell other peoples secrets. This one is not his to tell.

Just own it. Tell him that you understand that he still harbours feelings but youve been nothing but clear with him that he is barking up the wrong tree. Youve started dating again. Its nothing serious at this point, but youd appreciate him not being weird about it

hazell42 · 15/07/2019 17:56

So actually he is just a friend, and not even all that special
You are not even dating really
I'd mention him to the exh just in passing so that your son is aware that it is nothing secret and he isn't being asked to lie.
But really you went overboard talking to your son about it, its not as if he caught you shagging.
Mum has got a new friend, is all you had to say, and he would have forgotten it by now.
If you make a big thing of this and your new relationship fizzles out after the first date you will have made a great big fuss over nothing.
Are you sure you don't like drama?

SavingSpaces2019 · 15/07/2019 17:59

Woman - you don't NEED to tell ex and it isn't a secret.
You don't owe ex an explanation for changing your mind - it's your perogative!

I'd just tell DS that it's not a secret - but also none of his dad's business hence why you don't need to 'tell/consult' him.
DS is free to talk about your new bf and ex can call you if he has an issue with this.

If you choose to tell him - it's a COURTESY you are extending....

Original poster

SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 18:00

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook it was wrong of me to imply that other men were off the menu. It was, however, my honest intention to never even go into the restaurant, never mind look at the menu.

Why shitstorm? Because my XH is a short-tempered irrational man with paranoid tendencies. I left him due to his alcoholism and weed dependency, as well as other unreasonable behaviours. Judging by his past reactions this will send him into rage and prompt plenty of verbal abuse and all-kinds of hissy fits.

OP posts:

Original poster

SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 18:04

@hazell42 I am absolutely sure I don't like drama, thanks for asking. I panicked, ok? I've never been in this situation before, I didn't see wood for the trees and I most certainly reacted inappropriately by raising this subject with DS. It is done though, there's not taking those words back. It's damage control now.

OP posts:

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 15/07/2019 18:10

Because my XH is a short-tempered irrational man with paranoid tendencies. I left him due to his alcoholism and weed dependency, as well as other unreasonable behaviours. Judging by his past reactions this will send him into rage and prompt plenty of verbal abuse and all-kinds of hissy fits.

Shit! I see.

Well in that case I'd lie and say it's serious. Get it over with. Cut the cord. Or he will just keep on interrogating you each time you get a new 'friend' as to how casual, or serious, or good the sex or relationship is etc etc.

Maybe make sure a friend is with you when you tell him?

Fuck.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/07/2019 18:11

I agree with others, it's NOT a secret, you can say that quite clearly to DS, but that it really isn't any of Dad's business. Don't allow DS to think he's keeping a secret. Why on earth are not getting a divorce?

AgathaF · 15/07/2019 18:12

How much contact do you have with your ex? It really sounds like he has too much input into your day to day life. Can you reduce contact to just that that is necessary? It's not right that he thinks he can make digs about whether or not you have met someone. It's also not right that he could be cruel or nasty to you about this, or confront your man friend over it. However, if he's overbearing like this, then it's really going to be down to you to remove yourself from this position to one of further distance so that he isn't in the position of being able to treat you, or your friends, like this.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/07/2019 18:12

Also your ex-h wants to be very careful with "confronting" people. He's really pushing the boundaries if he does that...!

Eaudear · 15/07/2019 18:12

If you haven't even kissed him yet, why do you need to tell anyone anything? You probably could have even fobbed off your DS if he just quickly saw you holding hands?

You have been separated a year, you don't owe your ex anything, you are perfectly entitled to persue whatever you want with whoever you want.

Original poster

SwishSwishSheesh · 15/07/2019 18:14

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook

Maybe make sure a friend is with you when you tell him? My SF has actually offered to talk to my DH to avoid him kicking off at me but I declined. If I have my SF with me when I talk to XH it will definitely turn ugly!

OP posts:

AlaskanOilBaron · 15/07/2019 18:14

Sounds to me like despite it all you still like your XH and don't want to completely let go of him?

I understand why you don't want to deal with this, but you really need to pause and reset your relationship with your ex so that it's more arms length.

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