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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship. It already feels like he's lying to me.

115 replies

Noodledoodlesandspud · 14/07/2019 23:04

Quick back story- I've been seperated from my stbxh for 9 months. I recently started OLD. It's been an absolute mine field with all sorts of shit.

But amongst all the crap one guy messaged me and I thought we really hit it off. Hes sweet and funny. We met up and had an amazing date, I really felt a connection, he seemed really into it. Both constantly messaging etc. Had a couple of coffee dates and then we had sex. Arranged to meet last week and he cancelled saying his ex needed him to watch his daughter which I understood. We rearranged for the following night and he never showed up. Text the following morning to say he fell asleep after work. I was annoyed but agreed to meet up in a couple of days. He turned up and we had a nice time. He opened up about his ex etc and it seemed like we were really starting to get to know each other. We've arranged to meet tomorrow but today he's text me a couple of times at 8am and then nothing until 9.30pm saying sorry, he'd been at his mates all day and been too busy to text. I'm starting to feel like he's hiding something. Part of me wants to call it off but the other part of me keeps thinking of the sweet things he's said and wants to see what happens. I feel really conflicted. What would other people do in my shoes?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 14/07/2019 23:06

Avoid. Doesn’t sound like he respects your time.

Saying “sweet” things and talking about his ex are meaningless.

wowfudge · 14/07/2019 23:13

Hmm - well there's been a stack of sport which went on for hours on today, but trust your instincts. The phrase his ex needed him to watch his child is a strange one. Is she really his ex?

Mac47 · 14/07/2019 23:16

Ditch him. Sounds like you are going to be a convenient shag when/if he can be bothered I'm afraid.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 14/07/2019 23:16

So you had sex and he’s ghosted you since?

Sorry.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 14/07/2019 23:18

wowfudge my friend asked me the same thing because he goes quiet in the evenings, as soon as he finishes work he normally doesn't text until about 10 at night. She said to her it seems like theres a time he can't text without raising questions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 14/07/2019 23:19

universal we've met up since having sex but it's been a bit hit and miss.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 14/07/2019 23:20

Sounds like the ex is either his wife or girlfriend!!

Not good

IamtheOA · 14/07/2019 23:21

Does he still live with his ex?

joystir59 · 14/07/2019 23:22

He just wants casual sex and you need to work on your boundaries and self esteem OP

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 14/07/2019 23:23

IamtheOA he says he lives by himself (and has his daughter every other weekend).

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 14/07/2019 23:25

Also,my ex is taking my dc on holiday soon and I asked if he was free to maybe do somthing that day expecting him to give a definite answer but he keeps saying he needs to check. I'm being a complete fool aren't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 14/07/2019 23:26

joystir yes I do, I actually see a therapist and she says exactly the same!

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 14/07/2019 23:30

I wouldn’t write him off yet.

There’s nothing odd about the ‘ex needed him to mind their daughter’ and it’s good that they’re flexible around each other’s needs so their DD gets to spend time with the other parent and not a babysitter.

And as for today. I don’t think it’s a crime not be texting you all day when he’s seeing you tomorrow and was at a friends today

But yes, your friend could be right & yes she might not be a wife but an unsuspecting wife & you the inadvertent OW - unfortunately it happens.

Have you looked him up on SM?

I’d see him tomorrow as planned then wrangle an invite to his house in the week.

firesong · 14/07/2019 23:30

It's hard to know at this point. Maybe you're over investing a bit, as it's early days. If you're not ready to ditch him yet, perhaps spend the time you're getting to know him really noticing what he's like, how reliable he is, what he offers you... and just noting these things to help you to decide in the coming weeks whether he's up to your standards.

IncrediblySadToo · 14/07/2019 23:32

Sorry obviously I meant she might not be an EX wife.

PickAChew · 14/07/2019 23:34

He's not single.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 14/07/2019 23:34

incrediblysad he says he's not on SM.
I was totally fine with him saying he needed to look after his daughter as I would expect him to understand if my dc needed me and I had to cancel. He just seems very hot and cold.

OP posts:
firesong · 14/07/2019 23:35

Although thinking about it, of the things you've mentioned, the one in which he fell asleep and stood you up worries me most. At this point don't you want someone who is excited at the prospect of seeing you? Can you imagine dropping off when you're about to see someone you're falling for?

HollowTalk · 14/07/2019 23:36

Oh he'll be on social media alright, just not under the name you're expecting.

Do as your therapist says. Dump this idiot and work on boundaries.

raspberryk · 14/07/2019 23:38

He is not on any SM? Hmm
Have you searched by his phone number and done reverse Google of his old images?!

Ozziewozzie · 14/07/2019 23:39

I get the feeling he’s coming out of a relationship but is hoping it works out again with his ex. He met you whilst on the break but would prefer to get back with his ex. If it doesn’t look as though the ex will work out then he has you in the back burner.
My ex is very like this. He always feels the need to be with someone.

Dieu · 14/07/2019 23:41

Actions speak louder than words, OP. Could have been written for the world of OLD, that.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 14/07/2019 23:49

oh he'll be on social media alright, just not under the name you're expecting.

This

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 14/07/2019 23:57

I've tried to reverse search photos he's sent me etc and searched his phone number but not found any SM. He's also deleted his dating profile on the app (not sure if that's a good thing or not).

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 15/07/2019 00:00

Avoid. From my experience, if they cancel dates at the last minute/arrange them for a bit later (with crap excuses) ect… it's usually because their prior date is running over haha.

Had a guy like this who was lovely in person, so attentive. But when he wasn't about it just felt like one big game. The clincher was when one time I was out at the venue already and he texted to say the subway was too busy and he'd be half an hour...and then he didn't show. And as I left the venue I saw him down the street, crossing the road, holding hands with another girl.

So I did a bit of digging (he had told me he didn't have a fb) and found his sister, and found him through his sister (he had set his surname to 'swartzernager' would you believe lol)and sure enough, there's photos of them together all over it.

Jerk messaged me again the next night too.
Luckily I hadn't sh*gged him yet at least. But still sad.

So yeh, he's got someone else would be my bet. Either that or he is testing you to see how much shite you will tolerate. Drop like hot coal.

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