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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New relationship. It already feels like he's lying to me.

115 replies

Noodledoodlesandspud · 14/07/2019 23:04

Quick back story- I've been seperated from my stbxh for 9 months. I recently started OLD. It's been an absolute mine field with all sorts of shit.

But amongst all the crap one guy messaged me and I thought we really hit it off. Hes sweet and funny. We met up and had an amazing date, I really felt a connection, he seemed really into it. Both constantly messaging etc. Had a couple of coffee dates and then we had sex. Arranged to meet last week and he cancelled saying his ex needed him to watch his daughter which I understood. We rearranged for the following night and he never showed up. Text the following morning to say he fell asleep after work. I was annoyed but agreed to meet up in a couple of days. He turned up and we had a nice time. He opened up about his ex etc and it seemed like we were really starting to get to know each other. We've arranged to meet tomorrow but today he's text me a couple of times at 8am and then nothing until 9.30pm saying sorry, he'd been at his mates all day and been too busy to text. I'm starting to feel like he's hiding something. Part of me wants to call it off but the other part of me keeps thinking of the sweet things he's said and wants to see what happens. I feel really conflicted. What would other people do in my shoes?

OP posts:

glittertissues · 15/07/2019 15:11

Has he told you his address?
Do you know where he lives?

Mum4Fergus · 15/07/2019 15:14

And what if he does turn up tonight? Forgive him and fall in to bed?? Or call him out on his behaviour??

libbynaughtz26 · 15/07/2019 15:54

Your better than this op. I used to look for excuses too. Trust me, your better off alone and waiting for someone who doesn't confuse the fuck out of you.

Forever12 · 15/07/2019 16:02

What a dick! Doesn’t sound good at all and it won’t get better OP!

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 15/07/2019 16:08

The website baggagereclaim.com is your friend, OP. This guy is a tool and a chancer.

Gaia1984 · 15/07/2019 17:02

I've had two doses of this over the years- first one told me he'd recently broken up with a gf and she had moved out. I stayed at his once and then within 3 weeks he had clearly got back with her as started being hard to pin down. Was meant to spend NYE together and he told me he couldn't as his niece had cancer and his sis wanted him there ... much bullshit in between but like you I was sucked back in several times by lovely texts and out of the blue meet ups.

They had never broken up FYI, the cancer thing was the final straw and I drove past his house and his car was on the drive so he was home with his (non ex) gf! Binned him that evening and then he turned nasty cause he thought I would out him (prick- wish I had!)

Second time was someone OLD and after a very intense 4 weeks he started ghosting me... told me he didn't have social media and I smelt a rat and looked him up on a friends account and there he was, he'd just blocked me 😆

Much older and wiser now, I was a naive 25 year old who'd been in a long relationship- but my fuckwit radar is now very reliable and I'm afraid this bloke is most definitely a fuckwit

AFistfulofDolores1 · 15/07/2019 18:04

My mum did admit to me not long ago that sometimes she wishes she had left my dad

Do you see how you're repeating the pattern, OP? Staying out of duty rather than because you really want to - perhaps even staying in unbearable circumstances, all the while justifying to yourself the reasons why it's worth staying.

You can break the pattern, though.

forumdonkey · 15/07/2019 18:26

@Noodledoodlesandspud so have you arranged a date with him for tonight?

ISpeakJive · 15/07/2019 18:33

No, dont call it off. Just ignore him. Block his arse!

crappyday2018 · 15/07/2019 18:44

Sorry OP but the fact he actually stood you up would be enough to get rid of him. You just do not do that!!!
It does also sound like he's not single. Not texting at night until much later is a massive red flag.
He is either with someone, of juggling other women at the same time.

SusieOwl4 · 15/07/2019 19:23

what does he do for a job ? any SM on the company ?

Onemansoapopera · 15/07/2019 19:33

The texting at 10 and immediately assuming it's because he's married is such utter bullshit. My dh and I did this all the time and it was literally because that was the time it took to get home from work, do some washing or whatever, have tea and shower/bath decompress a little and chill out then touch base before bed. Nothing dodgy about it whatsoever. So assumptive! Yes he doesn't sound that invested but all this amateur Columbo business is too much 🤣

SignedUpJust4This · 15/07/2019 19:35

Oh OP. At best he's not that into you. At worst he's a cheating piece of shit. I was gonna call him a two timer but OLD is littered with these men and they are 3/4/5 timers. Let him go.

Arnoldthecat · 15/07/2019 19:41

Bin him. Everyone knows that you avoid talking about exes on new dates. Its just so boring.

PicsInRed · 15/07/2019 19:47

Or that's the time he takes his dogs for a walk

Funnily enough, men have also been known to be more helpful with dog walks when trying to get time away for texting and phone calls...

PicsInRed · 15/07/2019 19:50

all this amateur Columbo business is too much

We're spending our free moments discussing others' relationships on Mumsnet. I'm sure we all accept this isn't quite Bletchley Park what happened to my life. 🤣

forumdonkey · 15/07/2019 19:57

Onemansoapopera but did your DH stand you up for a date because he fell asleep? Or wouldn't commit to a future date? Or can say whether they are available with 4 day's notice?

UnaCorda · 15/07/2019 20:06

This reminds me very much of one of my exes. It didn't end well.

Onemansoapopera · 15/07/2019 20:16

I think we both did a bit of that in the first few weeks yes @forumdonkey ...but we've been married nearly two years now together nearly five and it can still take us until 10 or later to get to chat to each other properly (we don't always stay together in the week through work) and pretty sure lots of couples can say the same - that this is the earliest they get to talk or sit down together .... there is other stuff that needs doing of an evening other than texting for most people...?

Sometimes its not indicative of anything other than priorities above phones. (no bad thing)

Onemansoapopera · 15/07/2019 20:18

In fact, DH would have binned me off long ago if he was as suspicious as half of MN because tbh it's usually me or can't be bothered texting or speaking until last thing and yet I love him to bits.Go figure.

Original poster

Noodledoodlesandspud · 15/07/2019 23:39

He actually turned up tonight (late). I haven't text him since I kt back cuz I was annoyed and figuring out how best to end it and I've bee bombarded with messages asking if I'm upset etc because I'm not replying to him. It's exhausting.

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 15/07/2019 23:50

Well you were upset?

Closetbeanmuncher · 15/07/2019 23:59

the other part of me keeps thinking of the sweet things he's said

Oh Jesus op don't fall for that sugar coated bullshit...as far as deleting the dating ap my guess is he also had someone else on the go and is toggling between the two of you. Perhaps it's getting serious between them.

Sounds like a bullshitter to me, get rid.

Loopytiles · 16/07/2019 02:38

You need to do some serious work on your boundaries before dating anyone!

Today you once again treated yourself badly - accepted him only letting you know he was coming at v short notice, and being late again.

Ignore him for now. In the morning send one message saying that you’re no longer interested, and not to contact you, then block him.

managedmis · 16/07/2019 02:47

Who gives a shit if he says sweet things?

We can tell you sweet things on here if you like : you're gorgeous kind, sexy etc ad bullshit. See? Easy.

Actions speak louder than words.

He's a bullshitter

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