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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship. It already feels like he's lying to me.

115 replies

Noodledoodlesandspud · 14/07/2019 23:04

Quick back story- I've been seperated from my stbxh for 9 months. I recently started OLD. It's been an absolute mine field with all sorts of shit.

But amongst all the crap one guy messaged me and I thought we really hit it off. Hes sweet and funny. We met up and had an amazing date, I really felt a connection, he seemed really into it. Both constantly messaging etc. Had a couple of coffee dates and then we had sex. Arranged to meet last week and he cancelled saying his ex needed him to watch his daughter which I understood. We rearranged for the following night and he never showed up. Text the following morning to say he fell asleep after work. I was annoyed but agreed to meet up in a couple of days. He turned up and we had a nice time. He opened up about his ex etc and it seemed like we were really starting to get to know each other. We've arranged to meet tomorrow but today he's text me a couple of times at 8am and then nothing until 9.30pm saying sorry, he'd been at his mates all day and been too busy to text. I'm starting to feel like he's hiding something. Part of me wants to call it off but the other part of me keeps thinking of the sweet things he's said and wants to see what happens. I feel really conflicted. What would other people do in my shoes?

OP posts:
Downunderduchess · 15/07/2019 11:12

Speaking from experience, maybe ditch him now before you are really invested. If things are complicated now when they should be easy it doesn't bode well. You are in charge of your feelings & decisions. You can decide how you want to be treated.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 15/07/2019 11:32

Why can't you end it, OP? It's a question worth trying to answer.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 15/07/2019 11:37

dolores I feel guilty. He keeps telling me how tough he's had things etc and I don't want to hurt him. I'm too soft it's my downfall

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 15/07/2019 11:44

Oh Boohoo! he has no qualms pissing you about and hurting you though does he? He's already done a number on you.

Wise up OP. He's either already partnered or playing the field. Men like this often target lonely lone parents, especially 'soft touches'.

You need to ask yourself why a virtual stranger's wants and needs come before yours? Confused

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 15/07/2019 11:45

Dump and avoid.

Remove the emotion and its simple.

He has bailed on one date and fallen asleep without calling you first, leaving you hanging.

After 2 second chances he has called you once at 8am and then nothing all day till 9pm because he's with his mates and just too busy.

He is doing the bare minimum to keep you sexually available.

This early days and already this man is showing you that your feelings and spending time with you really isn't a priority to him.

Talk is cheap. Men rely on sweet talking as it's the bare minimum to get a woman to drop her knickers. Focus on what he does not what he says. Better to never hear sweet nothings (aka opening up) and have have actions to demonstrate affection than to hear sweet talk all day and have none.

If he is like this during such early days then how will he be 6 months or a year in?

I will also say it sounds to me like you are still vulnerable after your divorce. Two coffees and you give sex. If you want more than some temporary fun, then next time let him work harder before you give him the goodies. Really find out who he is first, then it's easier to detach if he turns out to be a waster. Demand respect.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 15/07/2019 11:45

Op you are clearly the ow in this scenario the updates made ite clear he has a dw or gf and you're abit on the side. Its quite common for men to use OLD to arrange affairs without the dw or the innocent victims knowledge the signs all there.

Sunfull · 15/07/2019 11:46

Take some of that compassion you are feeling for him and give it to yourself!

You are putting up with rubbish behaviour because you are valuing his sob story more than your perfectly natural need to date someone who actually shows decent, consistent interest. Why are you valuing him and his sad tales more than yourself?

TeaForTheWin · 15/07/2019 11:49

He keeps telling me how tough he's had things
Ohhhhh crap OP. Now I know why you are having problems just ending it - google - 'victim narcissist'. F*cking run op.

TeaForTheWin · 15/07/2019 11:51

Not sure it brings up the right info. Basically I mean the type of narcissist who tells you what a hard life they have a had early on into dating so that you feel sorry for them. Its a traaaap!

TeaForTheWin · 15/07/2019 11:52

Ah 'vulnerable narcissist' that's it.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 15/07/2019 11:53

I'm too soft it's my downfall

That's one way of phrasing it - a very passive, fixed way, as if this is simply a facet of your character, something you can't possibly change, that makes your actions not really your responsibility.

Another way to put it might be "I repeatedly refuse to act in my own best interests" or "I choose to put my energy into people who treat me poorly" or" I make decisions which I know are bad for me". There's nothing cute about these phrases, but I think they are more helpful than just "I'm a soft touch me - what am I like, eh?"

If you choose to be passive - waiting to see if he mentions your plans tonight, going along with seeing him even though the red flags are flying, etc - then all you can do is....hope that he turns out to be a much nicer man than he seems. Is that how you want to live your life, OP?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 15/07/2019 11:56

Did you grow up in a family where you learned that a woman had to subjugate her own needs for a man, OP? What was your parents' marriage like?

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 15/07/2019 11:57

@TeaForTheWin is right. He's trapped you into thinking you must put up with his shit behaviour because of 'how tough' he's had it. So you feel so sorry for HIM and put YOUR needs last (if anywhere at all)

Did you go online dating to rescue sad men, or to have fun and potentially find a new partner? Think about this.

This one, as we all keep telling you, is obviously partnered anyway!

stucknoue · 15/07/2019 11:59

Old is a mine field and they all (well most) LIE

I've taken to snooping before I even agree to exchange phone numbers. All those CEO's and business owners are lorry drivers and decorators. I have no issue with either as a job, I have an issue with lying.

Me well I have found myself a surgeon who's quite keen, and he really is one (he's on the hospital website!) and I've checked the date of his degree absolute too.

Do due diligence ladies, and run if anything seems odd before you can get hurt

forumdonkey · 15/07/2019 12:15

I'm concerned that you seem to want to take him at his word and you'll still around waiting for him to let you down and hurt you.

You obviously thought something wasn't right because you've posted on here and now with hindsight and advice you are seeing other things.

If you aren't convinced yet why not push for that date tonight? I bet he can't make it and make that be the line that you draw

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 15/07/2019 12:48

delores my parents have a wonderful relationship so I don't know why I'm the way I am. I'm going to see if he turns up tonight. If he doesn't then I'll definitely call it off.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 15/07/2019 12:51

So you're not calling it off but giving him another chance - even though he's likely not even single?

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 15/07/2019 12:57

Who cares if he turns up tonight? He has tons of red flags.

Lets say he turns up tonight. He's doing reward and deprive. Gives a little emotional investment, then withdraws, keeping you locked in and begging for more. Your reward centre in your brain will be on, permanently. Its a form of abuse.

wowfudge · 15/07/2019 13:50

If he does turn up, do yourself a favour and finish things in person. Tell him not to contact you again and block him.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 15/07/2019 13:56

OP won't dump him, unfortunately for her. She's afraid of hurting this poor 'had-it-tough' man.

PicsInRed · 15/07/2019 14:11

he texts lots during the day while at work. Then goes quiet in the evening after work and then tests loads in the late evening, usually around 9.30/10.

Married.
Texts after wife given up and gone to bed.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 15/07/2019 14:15

I'm not saying you're lying at all, OP, but I used to think my parents had a wonderful marriage, and that my childhood was idyllic. Until, that is, I realised that neither of my stories about my family was true, and that there was a good reason why I had convinced myself otherwise. (Not least because I didn't know any different.)

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 15/07/2019 14:54

Delores you're probably right. My mum did admit to me not long ago that sometimes she wishes she had left my dad and my dad has said the same thing. But in recent years they've been a lot happier. I prob do have a akewed idea of a good relationship

OP posts:
Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 15:02

So you’re going to hang around this evening on the off chance he turns up? Is it a firm arrangement?

forumdonkey · 15/07/2019 15:07

Picsinred Married.
Texts after wife given up and gone to bed

Or that's the time he takes his dogs for a walk

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