Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship. It already feels like he's lying to me.

115 replies

Noodledoodlesandspud · 14/07/2019 23:04

Quick back story- I've been seperated from my stbxh for 9 months. I recently started OLD. It's been an absolute mine field with all sorts of shit.

But amongst all the crap one guy messaged me and I thought we really hit it off. Hes sweet and funny. We met up and had an amazing date, I really felt a connection, he seemed really into it. Both constantly messaging etc. Had a couple of coffee dates and then we had sex. Arranged to meet last week and he cancelled saying his ex needed him to watch his daughter which I understood. We rearranged for the following night and he never showed up. Text the following morning to say he fell asleep after work. I was annoyed but agreed to meet up in a couple of days. He turned up and we had a nice time. He opened up about his ex etc and it seemed like we were really starting to get to know each other. We've arranged to meet tomorrow but today he's text me a couple of times at 8am and then nothing until 9.30pm saying sorry, he'd been at his mates all day and been too busy to text. I'm starting to feel like he's hiding something. Part of me wants to call it off but the other part of me keeps thinking of the sweet things he's said and wants to see what happens. I feel really conflicted. What would other people do in my shoes?

OP posts:
Ozziewozzie · 15/07/2019 00:19

I’ve sent you a pm x

Grandadwasthatyou · 15/07/2019 00:25

Seriously who falls asleep after work when they've got a date planned? Lame.

TheStoic · 15/07/2019 04:02

He stood you up because he fell asleep? And you agreed to meet him again anyway?

FredaFrogspawn · 15/07/2019 04:20

I’m always amazed at how many second chances women give men when they start dating. This is a crucial time to have high standards and firm boundaries. With regards to showing respect, it rarely gets better from this point.

Isleepinahedgefund · 15/07/2019 06:32

He's not interested. Case in point - your kid is off on hols so you're free, he needs to check. Check with who?!! If he was super into you he'd be there like a shot with bells on. But he needs to check - when he can fit you in for a hook up.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 15/07/2019 08:06

Thanks everyone. I think I needed some perspective.
isleepinahedgefund you're right, I asked him about the date I'm free 4 days ago and asked him again yesterday and still no answer as to whether he's free or not.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 15/07/2019 08:25

No, OP, don't do this to yourself. He's not a keeper. He doesn't value you or even your time. Put it down to experience and raise your standards!

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 15/07/2019 09:22

This guy is wasting your time - either:

He's in a relationship

He's so not into you that he actually falls asleep before dates with you.

He's testing your boundaries to see how desperate you are and hence how much shit you'll put up with.

He just wanted a shag, but doesn't want to actually have the awkward chat where he tells you he doesn't want to see you again. So he's behaving badly so that you will dump him.

I once had a guy tell me he'd missed our date because he "fell asleep". It's a really shitty, passive lie - the sort of rubbish excuse a teenager would think up. It also made me feel really insulted - he was telling me that he was so unexcited about seeing me that he'd dropped off. He was also insulting me by telling me such unconvincing, lazy lies. Dump him, op.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 15/07/2019 10:30

God its so complicated. He's text me this morning being all sweet, but he hasn't mentioned our plans for this evening. I'm not going to mention it and see what happens.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 15/07/2019 10:34

Is there a pattern to his messages eg while he's at work, coming home from work, last thing at night?

When you DTD did he come to you and did he stay the night?

I suspect he's married or attached but either way do you really want to put any plans you could make for him to let you down?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 15/07/2019 10:39

Block him.

Just block him.

Asserting boundaries isn't pleasant and it can leave a lot of unanswered questions. But that's what having boundaries means: caring about yourself enough not to care that you'll never know for sure.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 15/07/2019 10:41

forumdonkey he texts lots during the day while at work. Then goes quiet in the evening after work and then tests loads in the late evening, usually around 9.30/10. No he didn't stay, it was a Sunday and he didn't have any of his work things ec and said he couldn't leave his dogs over night. He's not mentioned me going to his. Typing that I know what I'd tell someone else but then he texts me somthing really sweet and I get sucked back on.

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 15/07/2019 10:41

Probably not mentioned your plans as he is waiting to see if something better materialises and putting you on the back burner. I'd bin op. It sounds like he might actually still be with his daughters mum. Does he answer his phone when you call? (Or does he text right back and say he can't talk atm). Does he text people late at night when he is at yours?

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 15/07/2019 10:45

tea he doesn't text when we are together. I don't ring him very often (I don't like talking on the phone) but the few times I have he's never answeres or mentioned that I've called etc.

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 15/07/2019 10:51

My guess is he is with someone else, sorry. Block him on everything and move on.

TeaForTheWin · 15/07/2019 10:51

Hmm...does he text you right back after? Like as if he was there when you called but he just didn't answer it?

Start calling him instead of texting. You'll soon find out what's what.

I mean, I think your gut is probably right and something is up though, maybe it shouldn't matter about the specifics. It's bad enough that he wastes your time and gives shit excuses for it.

forumdonkey · 15/07/2019 10:51

Noodledoodlesandspud I would put money on that he's got a wife or girlfriend. I'm limited on texting while I'm at work because I'm at work. Why wouldn't he know if he can make a date tonight? It's a Monday FFS and if he's a single man he can do as he pleases. The only way I would respond to his messages would be to confirm this but tbh I would have told him to fuck off the first time he stood me up.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 15/07/2019 10:53

tea no they was the I fell asleep excuse. I rang a couple of times because I was worried he'd been in an accident or something but he just didn't answer and then I got the lame excuse later that night. I should also say I don't think he's texting anyone while we are together but he does sometimes pop out for a cigarette so I don't know if he does then.

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 15/07/2019 10:58

Hmm, all very odd. I think the missing dates with bad excuses would be enough for me at this point, other woman or not. He seems like a bit too much work and he doesn't value your time, which indicates a lack of respect for you. And it it's like that already, in the early stages when he should be on his best behaviour...it isn't going to improve.

newmomof1 · 15/07/2019 11:00

From your updates, I'm pretty convinced you're the OW OPConfused

TeaForTheWin · 15/07/2019 11:01

*But then having said that I went through 2 or 3 last minute re-schedules, one last minute cancel, and being stood up before I took the hint lol. But I would have ended then regardless of the gf because just not showing up, is inexcusable.

mummmy2017 · 15/07/2019 11:02

He likes the chase.
Start cancelling a few and see if he gets keener..
If so run..

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 15/07/2019 11:05

newmum I am aren't I?!

I've just remembered another word excuse. That his ex is taking custody of her nephew so he had to speak to a social worker to give her a character reference, he was supposed to come and see me after but the meeting ended up going on until 9.30. He does come up with some weird shit, so why can't I end it?!

OP posts:
Yellowweatherwarning · 15/07/2019 11:05

Texts all day at work.
And at night while taking the dogs out.
Rest of the time he is with his dw......
Sorry op.

MargoLovebutter · 15/07/2019 11:08

It really shouldn't be this hard and worrisome when you first meet someone.

He should be showing you what a great catch he is and trying to impress you with his reliability and making every attempt to see you.

It sounds like he is not doing that - maybe for good reasons, maybe not, but in a way it doesn't matter, because his actions speak louder than all the words in the world and his actions are of a man who really isn't that bothered.