Is this an odd way to treat grandkids / nephews?

[wigglybluelines]

DSIL has invited DM and DS1 to go stay with her for a couple of days in the holidays - but not DS2.

DS1 is 10, DS2 is 6.

I asked if they'd consider taking both DC, or if they'd have DS2 another time as he'd feel terribly left out. But DSIL and DM don't want to have both of them, DSIL said she'd suggested it as she thought it'd be fun for our DM to have just DS1 and both of them wouldn't be so fun as DM finds it hard and DSIL is at work.

DSIL works 4 days a week, and her DH is a teacher. I don't understand why they wouldn't just invite them on a weekend?

I asked if they'd considered that DS2 would feel left out, and they both said - well your Gran took you abroad twice without your sister. This was when I was 12 and 17, hardly the same. (Is my sister resentful of this now?! I had no idea!) Also my GPs on both sides regularly had me and my DSIS for holidays. It's wasn't a one off like this is.

My mum rarely helps with the DC. She says it's because she's getting too old, and there is a bit of truth in that. But the underlying issue IMO is she's just not very patient with DC and has never really instinctively good with DC. When I was little, we had nannies and au pairs, she was career focused and found us hard work.

DM is the same age as DMIL. DMIL is less mobile than DM, but loves having the DC, so they go visit her for a week or 10 days at a time. It's more an attitude thing than a mobility thing IMO.

I understand I won't change DM's ways, she's not going to suddenly start liking spending time with DC. But surely my able-bodied DSIS with the help of her teacher DH, and DM, could manage 2 kids between them?

What's galling also, is I'm having a terrible time. DH and I seem to be on the verge of splitting up, I'm struggling financially, emotionally and trying to fix the house up so we can move. DH is unwell most of the time. I could really do with some child free time. I told both my DM and DSIL at Christmas that things were really bad. DSIL hasn't mentioned it since, not once. She's not interested in supporting me emotionally. Fair enough.

But also, 2 years ago she announced, out of the blue, that she wanted to be more helpeful as an aunty. I suspect this is because she's seen how hands-on her DH is with his nephews and sees that other families are a bit more involved and supportive than ours. But that's only amounted to her taking each DS once, on their own, for a day out. And helping me empty a garage. In 2 years. I don't complain, but I am baffled - surely this is a chance to help, if that's what she wants?

I'm not sure how to deal with this? I want to say - sod off, you don't get to play happy families with DS1 while ignoring DS2. She did offer to have DS2 at autumn half term when I pushed the point. But I don't know if that fits with our plans. And really, I'd dearly love some help so I can try to sort out some of the chaos at home.

But OTH if I don't let DS1 go, then he's missing out isn't he?

Should I just accept the morsels on offer gratefully? Or try to get them to understand that this isn't how most families treat each other and I could really do with some help right now. I don't ever ask for help with the DC, I don't expect anything, but now they've brought this up I want to put my foot down and say no, I think you're treating us badly here.

DS2 isn't hard work btw. If anything, he's the easier DC by a long way (DS1 is lovely, but ASD and can be argumentative!)

But together they argue, so I do get that they're harder work together but that's my reality every day. They're not any more argumentative than other siblings I know.

Sorry, to each other I mean! DS1 is argumentative with adults.

DS1 and 2 have typical sibling arguments.

She shouldn’t show favouritism to one child. Forgetting all the other issues I don’t know how an adult could do that.

Um I can understand that 2 kids can be a lot harder than 1. Maybe they have other stuff they need to do at weekends? I guess maybe you could ask them to take ds2 as a favour as you are struggling? But I wouldn’t expect it.

Tell them both or nothing. Used to really frustrate me that my ex in laws couldn't manage 2 kids between them when I always had them by myself as a lone parent. 3 adults should be fine with 2 well behaved kids age 6 and 10.

Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face, you won’t be teaching them any lessons by telling them to sod off. I’m sorry you’re struggling but swallow your pride and just ask for help and if they say no then you’ll just have to accept what is on offer and try not to get hung up on what’s not.

Both or nothing.
Unfortunately your SIL is on another planet.

Come off Facebook and any other faffing.

I’ve done the same before... said both or nothing. The only way I could explain it is that DSIL only has one DD so just couldn’t see the other would feel left out

I think it is fine for the older one to go on his own if he is happy with it and if you think your DM and Dsis will look after him. Presumably he didn't go when he was 6. Your younger DS is only 6. I don't see why you would stop your DS1 going just because a younger sibling couldn't go. Just tell DS2 he is too young and this is the first time DS1 has been old enough to go away with granny.

It’s company for your mum isn’t it? Without the hard work - I’d say this leaves you with one child to entertain with out the other

Just say no

It’s company for your mum isn’t it? Without the hard work

Yes, it's all about my mum having a nice time. My needs or the DCs' needs haven't been considered.

I asked DSis what her thinking was and it was all about how it'd be a nice thing for DM to spend some time with DS1. DS2 didn't cross her mind at all. Nor helping me, because that's not what it's about. They want to borrow my child to play happy families but they don't want to help or go out of their way.

It's odd as DSis did announce a couple of years ago that she wanted to be more helpful, so she must have realised she wasn't being and seemed to want to change things. But it just doesn't occur to her, or my DM to actually help.

It hurts tbh as I told them I'm struggling in no uncertain terms at Christmas. It feels like a kick in the teeth.

Presumably he didn't go when he was 6. Your younger DS is only 6. I don't see why you would stop your DS1 going just because a younger sibling couldn't go. Just tell DS2 he is too young and this is the first time DS1 has been old enough to go away with granny.

They've both been to stay with DSis on their own before, for birthday treats. DSis doesn't see them often. (Maybe 6 or 7 times a year). The last couple of years she's taken them for a day out for their birthday present. And DS1 has stayed over both times; DS2 the last time.

Plus, both DC stay with MIL for a week to 10 days at a time, once a year, have been doing that for 2 years now. (MIL lives 500 miles away though sadly. She jumps at the chance to have her grandkids!).

So I can't say to DS2 he's not old enough, it won't wash.

I wouldn’t let it happen,no way.Both or none-they aren’t toys to be picked up and left down for an adults entertainment.

DSis did try to justify it by saying that DM finds it difficult to look after the DC, so this was an opportunity for her to have a nice time with one of them and hopefully then she'd feel more able to have them in future.

But I don't understand why she doesn't invite the DC for a weekend with her, so she's in charge of them and invite DM to visit.

Surely she, her DH (who is a teacher!!) and our DM can cope with two of them between them?

When I suggested this she said "but I'm working". But she only works 4 days a week FGS.

In the past when DD's had one of the DC, one of us met her half way to hand over whichever DC. We used to live 2.5 hours apart.

But, she's moved and we now live 4 hours away from each other. I'm considering saying, if you want to take both DC, we'll meet half way as usual, but if you only want one of them, for your entertainment, then you'll have to come pick them up yourselves. Is that fair? Or is that too unfair on DS?

I expect in the end, I'll probably let DS1 go, as I won't be happy to let him miss out - and give DS2 a treat day out to make up for it or something.

But, I'll resent it. It's another wedge in our relationship.

I really do need their help right now too, but they just don't seem to give a fuck.

Your DM should just go on her own and tell you to forget it. If you don't want him to go you don't want him to go. She has invited the 10 year old, not the 6 year old. Just politely decline if you don't like the offer.

You talk about your sister’slack of ‘childcare’ support like she’s an absent parent but she isn’t. Extended family doesn’t equal childcare in the format/ frequency that you’d like.

Get all resentful all you like but you aren’t entitled to childcare from her.

If you’re struggling, take what’s on offer and if she can only manage one child at a time then you should ask to rotate their visits.

I love DD very much but I find other people’s kids quite stressful. The responsibility to entertain and putting up with the product of parenting styles that I don’t agree with is very difficult and I’m emotionally drained by them after a few hours.

Again, I’m sorry that you’re struggling but being resentful will not help.

I don't see why you'd stop ds1 going.

I would stay at grandparents a lot without my sisters. Equally they spent time with other relatives that I didn't.

We all just got on and were close to other people. I adored my grandad and spent a lot of time with him whereas my sister spent more time with our aunt.

It also sounds like your quite Butter about the lack of childcare you get from them but that isn't their job. Either pay for your own childcare or look after them yourself.

Have you actually said "I could really use the help right now as I'm struggling, can you please take both of them for any period of time to give me a chance to sort some things out?"

Saying you're having difficulties at Christmas isn't going to be foremost in their minds in July surely.

Sorry you're struggling but honestly you're very ungrateful! I have never heard of people sending their kids to their SIL for an extended period of time. What do you do to help her out? Or do you just expect them to help you? Her DH might not want kids there on his weekend off if he's been teaching all week. She apparently only works 4 days a week - maybe she would prefer to have kids there with DM while she's in work & support in the evening thus keeping her day off for herself? Not unreasonable imo. There is a big difference between 12 & 6.
What job do you do? Why are you so worn out?

DSIL had said she’ll have. dC2 at half term. BUT you say you’re not sure how that fits into your plans. Can’t have it both ways (and also complain). I think YABU

Is this your sil...so married to your brother? Why is it all on her? Possibly because your brother doesn't really help out? Otherwise it's him who would be inviting his mum and his nephew?

Out of the four of us two siblings went to stay with one set of grandparents more often. Didn’t bother me one iota as I wasn’t keen on going anyway.
Equal doesn’t have to mean the same.