Is this an odd way to treat grandkids / nephews?

[wigglybluelines]

DSIL has invited DM and DS1 to go stay with her for a couple of days in the holidays - but not DS2.

DS1 is 10, DS2 is 6.

I asked if they'd consider taking both DC, or if they'd have DS2 another time as he'd feel terribly left out. But DSIL and DM don't want to have both of them, DSIL said she'd suggested it as she thought it'd be fun for our DM to have just DS1 and both of them wouldn't be so fun as DM finds it hard and DSIL is at work.

DSIL works 4 days a week, and her DH is a teacher. I don't understand why they wouldn't just invite them on a weekend?

I asked if they'd considered that DS2 would feel left out, and they both said - well your Gran took you abroad twice without your sister. This was when I was 12 and 17, hardly the same. (Is my sister resentful of this now?! I had no idea!) Also my GPs on both sides regularly had me and my DSIS for holidays. It's wasn't a one off like this is.

My mum rarely helps with the DC. She says it's because she's getting too old, and there is a bit of truth in that. But the underlying issue IMO is she's just not very patient with DC and has never really instinctively good with DC. When I was little, we had nannies and au pairs, she was career focused and found us hard work.

DM is the same age as DMIL. DMIL is less mobile than DM, but loves having the DC, so they go visit her for a week or 10 days at a time. It's more an attitude thing than a mobility thing IMO.

I understand I won't change DM's ways, she's not going to suddenly start liking spending time with DC. But surely my able-bodied DSIS with the help of her teacher DH, and DM, could manage 2 kids between them?

What's galling also, is I'm having a terrible time. DH and I seem to be on the verge of splitting up, I'm struggling financially, emotionally and trying to fix the house up so we can move. DH is unwell most of the time. I could really do with some child free time. I told both my DM and DSIL at Christmas that things were really bad. DSIL hasn't mentioned it since, not once. She's not interested in supporting me emotionally. Fair enough.

But also, 2 years ago she announced, out of the blue, that she wanted to be more helpeful as an aunty. I suspect this is because she's seen how hands-on her DH is with his nephews and sees that other families are a bit more involved and supportive than ours. But that's only amounted to her taking each DS once, on their own, for a day out. And helping me empty a garage. In 2 years. I don't complain, but I am baffled - surely this is a chance to help, if that's what she wants?

I'm not sure how to deal with this? I want to say - sod off, you don't get to play happy families with DS1 while ignoring DS2. She did offer to have DS2 at autumn half term when I pushed the point. But I don't know if that fits with our plans. And really, I'd dearly love some help so I can try to sort out some of the chaos at home.

But OTH if I don't let DS1 go, then he's missing out isn't he?

Should I just accept the morsels on offer gratefully? Or try to get them to understand that this isn't how most families treat each other and I could really do with some help right now. I don't ever ask for help with the DC, I don't expect anything, but now they've brought this up I want to put my foot down and say no, I think you're treating us badly here.

You’ve mentioned various ongoing issues with your DH and the fact you discussed it with them, unhappily, over Christmas. Is it posssble that they see your DH as a bit of a nuisance/liability and they’re feeling exasperated by this? They may believe that you’re not “helping yourself” by putting up with him? They may feel as if they’re being expected to pick up his slack. Apologies if I’m way off the mark, it just seems a bit odd that they’re offering help but are rationing it.

Is there someone else who could take DS6 for the same days as DS10 is with SIL? Maybe a school chum, that way you would get time off and they would both have a jolly away, independent from each other? Might not seem so unfair then.

What help do you give your sister and BIL?

They've never asked for help. They're wealthier than us and don't have DC.

My DSis and I worked together to look after DF and DM when they needed help. We took turns looking after DM after her op.

You’ll have an easier time of it with DS2 while DS1 is away, and a chance to give him some 1-1 attention.
I’d take it, and accept their offer to have DS2 in October.

I think this is an unnecessary drama. Taking one child is fine. When you have two children, it's reasonable to expect that each occasionally gets something the other doesn't. Their friends will sometimes take one child for tea and not another.

If someone offers you a favour, either accept or reject it. Don't complain about it. That said, it was fair to ask her if she would take both, as she did say she wanted to help you.

'DMIL is less mobile than DM, but loves having the DC, so they go visit her for a week or 10 days at a time. It's more an attitude thing than a mobility thing IMO.'

It's more an 'attitude' thing

Well you would say that I guess

I'd say if your mil with 'mobility issues' has them for a week or 10 days then stop comparing your own DM.

That's a long time for her to have your DC

Your are incredibly lucky

Although I imagine you believe it's just the norm from reading your posts.

I wouldn't have wanted my DN's to stay either.

Why ask if YABU to only then keep stating why you don't think you are @wigglybluelines ?? You asked and PP have responded to say that YABU.

Apologies @wigglybluelines , I thought this was in AIBU!! Still though, you should reiterate to your DSis and DM that you're struggling and actually ask for help, rather than expect them to offer.

Sorry OP but you sound quite selfish.

Your SIL doesn’t owe you childcare, even if she is wealthier and without DC!
She doesn’t owe you childfree days either.

Looking after a 10yo alone is way easier than looking after a 10yo + 6yo that often argue together. You said «but that is my reality every day», but they are your DC that’s why!!!

You said yourself that you were invited without your sister as a child, what is the difference?

They've never asked for help. They're wealthier than us and don't have DC.

I don’t see why that is relevant. What you’re saying is you want help from them and don’t think they need anything in return.

If your eldest son is harder work as you say, and the younger easy, then aren't they doing you a favour by taking the elder son and leaving you with the easier younger one? If they say that both is too hard for them, why not accept that, you've already said your elder child is harder work.

It does seem to me it's never enough for you, whatever they do, but you do nothing in return for them? So your idea of family helping each other only seems to mean they should help you? Not vice versa?

Why ask if YABU to only then keep stating why you don't think you are

This is relationships not AIBU. I posted here as I was hoping for insight into the situation and a supportive space to vent not a bunch of arsegoles tearing strips off me, which is what you tend to get in AIBU these days.

'Apologies @wigglybluelines ,'

Pp apologised straight away though OP

Have you asked either of them if they even want to stay? Not all children enjoy staying away overnight anyway.

Yes they will both want to stay. DS2 will be gutted when he finds out he's not invited. I will need to manage this.

It’s fine to take away a 10 yo. Even with ASD he’ll he more self-sufficient and less hard work than a 6yo.

They’ve only asked for dc1 this year. Another year they can have dc2 . I think mine went when they were each about 7 or 8. Not all of them in the same year. It also gives you time to do special things with dc2

OP I think the fact that you are going through a difficult time is clouding your feelings. You can't see how lucky you are to have all these offers of childcare.

Me and my siblings went away with GPs at different time - no resentment.

I have my niece and nephew separately (they are similar ages to your DC). Its lovely, as an example older one gets to go on bigger rides at theme park, younger one gets to spend the day at the beach which the older one can't stand. My Dsis wants me to have both, but they squabble (yes she puts up with it every day, but they're her kids and chose to have 2) and then no-one has a nice time! My ASD DD gets wound up by their arguing. Also I do have a mobility issue and it's easier if I'm having a bad day to do stuff at home with 1 rather than 2 (and I can assure it's fuck all to do with my attitude towards it). Her DC love it, they mention it and plan the days months in advance.

It seems as if you view it as childcare rather than as your DM and SIL wanting to spend time with them.

I think taking the older one this time on the understanding that next time it is just the younger is fine. It's fine to separate kids occasionally and they are 4 years apart, you can do things more geared to the younger with no arguments

'It seems as if you view it as childcare rather than as your DM and SIL wanting to spend time with them.'

I think this is exactly as it sounds.

You are incredibly lucky to have these extended breaks you get (upto 10 days?!) Regardless of who is having them. Don't know anyone who gets that tbh. Most people get the occasional overnight stay.

Favouritism is obviously wrong but this offer they have suggested to you sounds absolutely fine and I can't understand why so many people have an attitude of 'you can have both or neither'

Maybe, just maybe your younger one will get similar individual offers when he is 12.

You said yourself that you were invited without your sister as a child, what is the difference?

The difference is that my Dsis and I were invited, together, to our grandparents all the time. My DSis was 10 before I went without her, and that was a one-off trip abroad, not a visit to their house.

We used to go to stay with one set of grandparents or the other, every summer, Easter, most NYEs and sometimes at half term too, every year. Staying with our Grandparents was a regular feature of our childhood. Some of my earliest memories are there. I can remember having a conversation with my Granny about wearing nappies at night. I must have been very young!

And, anyway, if DSis found it unfair I went without her and is still harbouring ill feelings about it (and I had no idea she might be till this conversation) then surely that's an argument to not do the same to my DC?

It did seem to be the norm in my family that we do this. I'm surprised that my DM relied so heavily on support from the older generation when she had young DC, but it not cross her mind to offer the same, even once, in 10 years.

You are incredibly lucky to have these extended breaks you get (upto 10 days?!) Regardless of who is having them. Don't know anyone who gets that tbh. Most people get the occasional overnight stay.

This has happened twice. The reason it's so long, is that the ILs live at the other end of the country and rarely get to see them. It takes the best part of a day to get there. If we lived closer I expect they'd have them little and often, because the ILs actively want to spend time with them. So, the week or 10 days is usually the only time they see them all year.

Do you realise how lucky you are that you even get a break? For up to 10 days? The only break I get is work or when they are at school, you should be greatful for what you do get, because alot of people get nothing.