Is this an odd way to treat grandkids / nephews?

[wigglybluelines]

DSIL has invited DM and DS1 to go stay with her for a couple of days in the holidays - but not DS2.

DS1 is 10, DS2 is 6.

I asked if they'd consider taking both DC, or if they'd have DS2 another time as he'd feel terribly left out. But DSIL and DM don't want to have both of them, DSIL said she'd suggested it as she thought it'd be fun for our DM to have just DS1 and both of them wouldn't be so fun as DM finds it hard and DSIL is at work.

DSIL works 4 days a week, and her DH is a teacher. I don't understand why they wouldn't just invite them on a weekend?

I asked if they'd considered that DS2 would feel left out, and they both said - well your Gran took you abroad twice without your sister. This was when I was 12 and 17, hardly the same. (Is my sister resentful of this now?! I had no idea!) Also my GPs on both sides regularly had me and my DSIS for holidays. It's wasn't a one off like this is.

My mum rarely helps with the DC. She says it's because she's getting too old, and there is a bit of truth in that. But the underlying issue IMO is she's just not very patient with DC and has never really instinctively good with DC. When I was little, we had nannies and au pairs, she was career focused and found us hard work.

DM is the same age as DMIL. DMIL is less mobile than DM, but loves having the DC, so they go visit her for a week or 10 days at a time. It's more an attitude thing than a mobility thing IMO.

I understand I won't change DM's ways, she's not going to suddenly start liking spending time with DC. But surely my able-bodied DSIS with the help of her teacher DH, and DM, could manage 2 kids between them?

What's galling also, is I'm having a terrible time. DH and I seem to be on the verge of splitting up, I'm struggling financially, emotionally and trying to fix the house up so we can move. DH is unwell most of the time. I could really do with some child free time. I told both my DM and DSIL at Christmas that things were really bad. DSIL hasn't mentioned it since, not once. She's not interested in supporting me emotionally. Fair enough.

But also, 2 years ago she announced, out of the blue, that she wanted to be more helpeful as an aunty. I suspect this is because she's seen how hands-on her DH is with his nephews and sees that other families are a bit more involved and supportive than ours. But that's only amounted to her taking each DS once, on their own, for a day out. And helping me empty a garage. In 2 years. I don't complain, but I am baffled - surely this is a chance to help, if that's what she wants?

I'm not sure how to deal with this? I want to say - sod off, you don't get to play happy families with DS1 while ignoring DS2. She did offer to have DS2 at autumn half term when I pushed the point. But I don't know if that fits with our plans. And really, I'd dearly love some help so I can try to sort out some of the chaos at home.

But OTH if I don't let DS1 go, then he's missing out isn't he?

Should I just accept the morsels on offer gratefully? Or try to get them to understand that this isn't how most families treat each other and I could really do with some help right now. I don't ever ask for help with the DC, I don't expect anything, but now they've brought this up I want to put my foot down and say no, I think you're treating us badly here.

OP is it your sister in law, or sister? You've said both in 2 seperate posts

I would ask the children if they're okay with it first. If they are then fine. If they're not then they stay.

I don't blame her for not wanting to look after both. 6yo will be fun a 1 yo hard work.

I hardly think playing on the 'feeling left out' at 1 is cutting it. You just clearly want her to have both.

There are a lot of issues mixed up together in your posts, but if your DC both go to your mil for 10 days that's enough time to sort out the house - I completely emptied and packed up a 3 bed semi in my own for an international move (DH had gone on ahead) in a week - if you've got no children to look after and take time off work then 10 free days is a vast stretch of time in which a huge amount can be accomplished!

It actually seems pretty weird to me to expect childcare from your sister - what do you Foto Help her out an equal amount?

Favouritism between the children is a totally seperate issue and is not ok at all.

It's absolutely reasonable to tell your sister you cannot accept her offer because the siblings need to be treated equally. If your sister resents you being favoured by being chosen for solo visits above her by your own relatives then say you didn't realise, but now she's mentioned it you really don't want to repeat history by allowing the same favouratist treatment between your own children, surely she understands that as it's so close to home for her!

Seperate out being fair and equal to the children from your feelings of entitlement to childcare. The first us reasonable, the second is not.

Marthas I think they are 12 & 6.

What do you do to help her out not what do you Foto Help - autocorrect is so weird!

I did spend more time with relatives as a child than my brother, but because I wanted to. Not because he wasn't invited.

I think it's a bit shite to only invite one tbh, at least partly because it can get boring without another child.

I agree with @agentjohnson. On the surface I see the point you're making but you're angry about alot of other things too that I don't get. My DH is one of four and despite DSIL living close she never sees DS, he doesn't even know who she is. When we got married her and his two brothers sat eating drinking and completely ignoring their nephew while my maid of honour husband crawled round the floor playing with him. I think it's shocking but apparently there's no expectation on them to have a relationship with him.... Let alone expect them to help with childcare if we needed it!
I guess it just is what it is. Take or leave this situation and don't expect them to help when you need it in future. Sorry if that sounds blunt!
I hope things get better for you

I think you have answered your own question about why they have invited one and not the other. .. Your mum is just not that maternal .
My mum rarely helps with the DC. She says it's because she's getting too old, and there is a bit of truth in that. But the underlying issue IMO is she's just not very patient with DC and has never really instinctively good with DC. When I was little, we had nannies and au pairs, she was career focused and found us hard work.
Not her fault. It's not a blame. Just how it is. I can quite easily understand why she would feel able to cope with a 10yr old and not an additional 6yr old. They are VERY different ages and abilities.

Your sister will be at work for 4/5 days . And her husband has kids all week at school so I can absolutely understand how he wouldn't want the weekend filed with kids

I think the holiday thing is shit. Leaving out one child is always shit.

But I think all the other stuff is just something you need to accept. They will never be the type of family by the sounds of it that help you out practically. And that's their perogative.

I don't think you can force the holiday. Either you let ds1 go or decline. Simple as that.

Sorry things are shit for you at the minute. Hope they improve soon

I actually think you sound quite entitled and demanding.

They are offering your eldest a holiday. You are cross they won’t help you more. One is old the other works. They are offering more than many relatives in many families.

It’s hardly odd for an older sibling to go off without the younger sibling. Plus they have now said (been pushed into saying?) they would have DS2 for half term. Your reaction is “that might not fit with my plans”. It really sounds like everything has to revolve around you, not your relatives balancing who’s they can help and how they can cope and not your sons having fun.

I don't mean this in a horrible way but life is much easier when you just accept people as they are.

I know my dad is distant and odd so I've stopped thinking he might hug me or show some affection. I know my brother is sarcastic and rude so I've stopped expecting him to be kind. I know my mum can be cutting and bitchy so I just ignore that side of her.

They are not the people you want them to be. That sucks and it hurts sometimes. But it's how it is and you'll be happier if you accept it.

I think you are being unfair. Two children is a lot more work than one. My family adore my children, but if they are having a fun day out they will often take just one as it is much easier to manage and much more fun! Especially for the older family members, two children for extended periods of time can be pretty tiring. Family are allowed to spend time with my children other than acting as childcare for me.

Your children have spent alone time with your family before, so your youngest should be able to understand that it is his brothers turn this time and his turn will come another time.

You sneer at your sister only
Working 4 days, but that is only
One day less than full time so it isn’t as if she is lazing around her house all week! Her weekends are still important to her and her husband and she is allowed not to give that up to act as your childcare.

That is quite an age gap so I wouldn't see it is such a tragedy for DS2. In fact they hardly sound a bundle of laughs so will DS1 have much fun anyway.
She will def remember you being favoured by your DGM holidaywise. Quite funny that you can't see a problem wiht it but it is an issue for you when a similar situation involves your DS2.
If the boys fight alot then I wouldn't want both of them either.
I would be concentrating on giving DS2 some lovely days out when you have him on your own.
And how much chaos is there that since Xmas you have still not got on top of it. Looking after someone's DCs once in a while is not really like a normal day, or that's what I find, you do more to entertain and feed them and it's tiring if you're not used to it.

You sound incredibly entitled! Why should they provide childcare for you? What do you do for them?

Your sister ‘only’ works 4 days a week. That is virtually full time! Her DH is a teacher-maybe he doesn’t want to provide childcare for other people’s kids when he’s not working?

Is it your sister or sister in law? Confusing.

Sorry OP but I think due to your circumstances and struggling a bit at home you are being needy and difficult over this one

It’s not for you to judge how SIL wants to spend her day off and weekends.

She doesn’t owe you childcare and nor does your MIL.

You are already doing better than most having ten days childfree when they go to your mums.

A 6 yo is completely different to a 10yo and if they have planned for your MIL to visit them in the week when they work and think having DS1 there for some one on onetime with her and to keep her company is a nice idea then it’s perfectly fine for them to ask if he would like to go.

You are just wanting child free days and it’s clouding your opinion here
I get that if things are hard at home that’s why I really do but don’t let that fact make your behave badly here

I think you will come across very badly if you gets stroppy and start demanding they have both boys and asking when they will have them again etc.

Out of the four of us two siblings went to stay with one set of grandparents more often. Didn’t bother me one iota as I wasn’t keen on going anyway.
Equal doesn’t have to mean the same.

If her husband is a teacher he’ll spend a portion of the weekend working( My dh usually works Friday night till about 11, then either sat night if we’re not going out, or Sunday afternoon and evening) so presumably he doesn’t want houseguests/ extra kids to look after in the little tile he gets off.

You sound incredibly entitled! Why should they provide childcare for you?

I think this is a weird MN attitude tbh. It's not entitled to expect family to want to help each other out. It's weird when they don't IMO.

I spent a lot of time supporting my DM and DF when he had terminal cancer. I stayed with my mum, caring for her after she had an operation. I do this without question or expectation - It's just what you do for those you love, surely. I expect this will happen more as DM gets older.

When I was small, my sister and I went to my grandparents (but my DM's parents and my DF's parents) most holidays, so yes I did expect that to happen when I had DC as it was the norm in our family, or so I thought.

MIL and SIL on the other hand live miles away but are really hands on and would love to have the DC more. They assume DM and DSis see them a lot more than they do and just can't understand if I mention how little we see them (which I don't do often tbh as I don't want the ILs to think badly of my DM and DSis)

presumably he doesn’t want houseguests/ extra kids to look after in the little tile he gets off.

Her DH has his nephews to stay. He's great with DC and his presence has helped DSis decide she wanted to be a more involved aunt, apparently.

Anyway we're talking about the summer holidays so he'll be off.

Imo maintaining decent sibling relationships between your dc is more important than the oldest going away alone.
This will be risked by him receiving special treatment imo.
Do something yourself with both dc. Your relatives are nasty fucker.

Different if it was one at a time but blatant favouritism is bloody awful.

If you are struggling, ask for help. Be specific about what would be helpful.

It's not unreasonable for GP to want to spend time with one GC though. You are viewing this through the filter of needing help. GP aren't just there to help but also to enjoy spending time with GC.

It's not entitled to expect family to want to help each other out. It's weird when they don't IMO

What help do you give your sister and BIL?

Or is it SIL and BIL-I’m still not too sure.

My in-laws have had my dc individually for little holidays ( at their home). It was great - they got to choose days out and had lots of individual attention so the gps got to know the real them, rather than the version when they’re competing with their siblings.

My in-laws have had my dc individually for little holidays ( at their home). It was great - they got to choose days out and had lots of individual attention so the gps got to know the real them

Yes but the invite was only for DS1. DS2 wasn't even thought about.