Is this an odd way to treat grandkids / nephews?

[wigglybluelines]

DSIL has invited DM and DS1 to go stay with her for a couple of days in the holidays - but not DS2.

DS1 is 10, DS2 is 6.

I asked if they'd consider taking both DC, or if they'd have DS2 another time as he'd feel terribly left out. But DSIL and DM don't want to have both of them, DSIL said she'd suggested it as she thought it'd be fun for our DM to have just DS1 and both of them wouldn't be so fun as DM finds it hard and DSIL is at work.

DSIL works 4 days a week, and her DH is a teacher. I don't understand why they wouldn't just invite them on a weekend?

I asked if they'd considered that DS2 would feel left out, and they both said - well your Gran took you abroad twice without your sister. This was when I was 12 and 17, hardly the same. (Is my sister resentful of this now?! I had no idea!) Also my GPs on both sides regularly had me and my DSIS for holidays. It's wasn't a one off like this is.

My mum rarely helps with the DC. She says it's because she's getting too old, and there is a bit of truth in that. But the underlying issue IMO is she's just not very patient with DC and has never really instinctively good with DC. When I was little, we had nannies and au pairs, she was career focused and found us hard work.

DM is the same age as DMIL. DMIL is less mobile than DM, but loves having the DC, so they go visit her for a week or 10 days at a time. It's more an attitude thing than a mobility thing IMO.

I understand I won't change DM's ways, she's not going to suddenly start liking spending time with DC. But surely my able-bodied DSIS with the help of her teacher DH, and DM, could manage 2 kids between them?

What's galling also, is I'm having a terrible time. DH and I seem to be on the verge of splitting up, I'm struggling financially, emotionally and trying to fix the house up so we can move. DH is unwell most of the time. I could really do with some child free time. I told both my DM and DSIL at Christmas that things were really bad. DSIL hasn't mentioned it since, not once. She's not interested in supporting me emotionally. Fair enough.

But also, 2 years ago she announced, out of the blue, that she wanted to be more helpeful as an aunty. I suspect this is because she's seen how hands-on her DH is with his nephews and sees that other families are a bit more involved and supportive than ours. But that's only amounted to her taking each DS once, on their own, for a day out. And helping me empty a garage. In 2 years. I don't complain, but I am baffled - surely this is a chance to help, if that's what she wants?

I'm not sure how to deal with this? I want to say - sod off, you don't get to play happy families with DS1 while ignoring DS2. She did offer to have DS2 at autumn half term when I pushed the point. But I don't know if that fits with our plans. And really, I'd dearly love some help so I can try to sort out some of the chaos at home.

But OTH if I don't let DS1 go, then he's missing out isn't he?

Should I just accept the morsels on offer gratefully? Or try to get them to understand that this isn't how most families treat each other and I could really do with some help right now. I don't ever ask for help with the DC, I don't expect anything, but now they've brought this up I want to put my foot down and say no, I think you're treating us badly here.

Bit confused sorry... are you the mom? Don’t send DS1 at all - they’re your kids... it’s both as a unit or none at all. Surely you have the final say, they’re your kids.

OP I think the fact that you are going through a difficult time is clouding your feelings.

Yes, I suspect it is. I was upset to discover my DSis doesn't really give a shit after Christmas.

If your DSis said she was struggling, her marriage was falling apart and she was desperately unhappy, when you saw her at Christmas, wouldn't you call, even once, to check she was OK?

It's out of character for me to air my relationship woes to them. I'm not a person who's always having dramas or asking my family for help. DH and I got on well for many years, and it's taken a long time for me to admit to my family that it's not working out now.

I'm gobsmacked she didn't even call to check I was OK. I wasn't waiting for a call, I was getting on with stuff, but a couple of months after Christmas, it dawned on me she'd never followed it up. Never once asked if I was OK. That's not normal is it?

When DSis split from her first H I was there for her. We spoke on the phone lots about her feelings and what was happening.

Even if she doesn't care for me, what about the DC in this situation? It's crap for them.

I do resent that my world is falling apart over here, and they get to play happy families with my DC as if everything's normal. It isn't.

DH is unwell and often out of action, so I parent alone a lot of the time. They know this. We're struggling financially, desperately. They know this. We're on the verge of splitting up and I'm concerned about the future. They know this. I need to sell my house but can't get it ready for sale as DH is too unwell and it's too much on my own. They know this too. I am used to having no help from them. Some emotional support would be amazing even if they can't offer any practical help. But there's none of that either.

I don't ask for help. But this has upset me as it just shows how little they care for what's going on. They want my DC to have fun with on their terms, but they don't want to actually support my family in any way.

And yes, I'd do it for them.

They sound crap but just so you and your dh can sort stuff out, I'd let ds1 go and ask mil to look after ds2. Once your life is sorted refuse to let just one go.

Yabu 2 children is alot of hard work. 1 is completely different than 2. If they will have ds2 at another time then I cant see the issue.

Is it possible that they see your DH as a bit of a nuisance/liability and they’re feeling exasperated by this? They may believe that you’re not “helping yourself” by putting up with him? They may feel as if they’re being expected to pick up his slack

I understand where you're coming from. If this had been my useless ex, who was definitely a liability, yes, that'd be spot on. But they like DH. They have similar interests. Conversation between my DH and DM flows easier than it does between me and her tbh! They're both into politics and history for example. I'm interested in both, but not to the same depth. I don't know who all the players are in politics for example, and they have long conversations that go over my head tbh!

Apologies if I’m way off the mark, it just seems a bit odd that they’re offering help but are rationing it.

It seems odd to me too.

They sound crap but just so you and your dh can sort stuff out, I'd let ds1 go and ask mil to look after ds2.

That'd be a great idea if only MIL wasn't so far away. It takes the best part of a day to get there and a day to get back. So if it was for 2 days, then one of us would have to stay too. If it was for longer, then that's the best part of 4 days traveling with 2 overnights, to drop off and pick up.

I wish they weren't so far away!

I think people offer what they think they can manage. If your two scrap it will be incredibly difficult for them to cope. Its bad enough dealing with your own children fighting - someone else’s... no thanks.
My mum used to take one or the other of mine when they were younger, and I was glad of it.
Why would she want to endure two badly behaved children when she could just have one well behaved one? She doesn’t owe me anything. She did her bit raising me.
I think you’re feeling unsupported and overwhelmed by your own emotions, which isn’t surprising given what’s going on in your life.
But in terms of ‘managing it’, it will be as big a deal as you make it. I wouldn’t attach any emotion when telling the kids.
Just a ‘you each get a little holiday there on your own, and the one who stays home will have a lovely time with me,’ should do it.

I expect in the end, I'll probably let DS1 go, as I won't be happy to let him miss out

What exactly is he going to be missing out on.

You need childcare for a week or 2 to get your house straight. Your SIL taking one child is as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Wouldn’t you be better off doing what everyone else does and put the dc in a week long activity.

I must admit I can’t quite believe you saying that the 10 days childcare “only” happened twice.

Unless they were at school, nursery or at an activity I paid for I had my children 24/7

I think you have to get out of the mindset that your family are the only ones who can provide childcare and look around at what other people do who have family miles away.

Just one is fine, not favouritism if they take the other, another time. I imagine ds2 will enjoy having you to himself for a bit anyway

Just one is fine, not favouritism if they take the other, another time

It hadn't occurred to them to invite DS2 another time. I explained they need to at least let DS2 know it'll be his turn next even if there's no date in the diary otherwise he'll feel terribly left out.

If it bothers you one was asked and not the other just say no. If you're needing help surely one kid to worry about it easier than two, therefore helpful.

My brother lives 5 mins away. We probably see them twice a year so the amount you said if 7 odd times a year seems alot to me. I also work 4 days a week. They're long days can't see how working 5 makes it all that much harder. 4 is still time consuming. I wouldn't then want to look after my siblings kids between that, even if my mum was here to help I think she's good even taking one for that long. But then I'm not a kid person, mine are ok but I rather not be responsible for others kids, including family. I actually find we see less of people when they have kids, their whole world becomes consumed by them and I don't exactly go out of my way to catch up. I work 4 days, and I have enough other things to do around that. Yes I have my own kids but they're grown up now so I don't really have to do anything for them.

As I said if one not the other is the problem. Say no. Otherwise I can't see what she's doing is bad. It's still helpful and I don't believe even family is obligated to take your kids for a week. They're your kids.

Don't focus on the negatives here. They don't have dc & perhaps didn't think about dc2 but they've now offered to take him another time so you can explain. Make the most of what you can get.

My dB & dsil are dc godparents & they've had them overnight once & declined to help by babysitting on the 3 separate occasions I have asked over 9 years! They live 3 miles away!

It is not unreasonable for them to put their lives first but yes I do resent it a little.

I think you should ask if they have some time to talk so you can ask their advice & then talk to them about your worries. Tel them where you're struggling & ask what they'd do. If they are t helpful after that, seek support elsewhere!

She did her bit raising me

My DM did her bit raising me, but supported by several other adults.

She had a supportive and hands-on DH, supportive and hands-on parents and also ILs. And she employed nannies and au pairs to look after me and my DSis. We were also sent away on camp for a week every summer.

I have a DH who's too unwell to parent a lot of the time. ILs who are fantastically helpful but miles away so we only see them once a year. No money for nannies or au pairs or to send them off on summer camps.

Yes, she did her bit, but with loads of help that I don't have.

It sounds like your dm was a bit like Denise from the Royale Family.

When exactly did she actually parent you.

I get it OP. My kids are not as old as yours are, but I have battled through PND on my own, done everything on my own and when we visit DM (who lives 10 mins away! They don't visit us ever!) especially when I had a 1 year old and a newborn it was fucking hard because their house is SO not baby proof I spend the entire time utterly exhausted running around after both kids while they sit there with their cup of tea or whatever and make comments like oh you must be worn out, you've got your hands full etc etc. No help what so ever from any of them because they've done their parenting apparently. I don't go much anymore or expect anything else.

Personally I probably wouldn't let your eldest go on his own because your younger one is at an age where they get jealous over silly things let alone a bloody holiday. They either have both or nothing, and maybe send them to the in-laws for a break (could they fly?), or book them into day camps or something.
Don't expect anything from your family because it just causes heartbreak and disappointment.

I think it is often the case that one generation does the opposite of the previous. My DM was not around much as a DGM, and DILlGPs even less hands on. So knowing what a difference it would have made to me, I am a very hands on DGM.
Ime someone with a lot of support Tottenham takes it for granted.

often

Thanks for understanding justarantreally.

Battling PND without support must have been tough. I hope it's gone now?

When exactly did she actually parent you

Both my parents worked full time. I think that's probably more normal these days than was then? Both my DPs saw me evenings for about an hour before bed and at weekends. That's pretty standard in families where both parents work, these days isn't it?

And in the summer, we'd go on holiday as a family for 2 weeks, and for the rest of the holiday my sister and I would go to grandparents / camp.

I thought that was pretty normal in a working family. There weren't so many things like holiday playschemes then.

You need to take her DH out of the equation. It's not his job to look after your DC.

When I have my nieces and nephews over, I'm doing it on the basis I can cope with them all singlehandedly, without roping DH in.

If he invited his nieces and nephews over, I'd expect him to be able to do it without my help. If I choose to help, then it's my choice.

You can decline the offer if it doesn't suit you.

When I have my nieces and nephews over, I'm doing it on the basis I can cope with them all singlehandedly, without roping DH in.

Sorry but I think that's a very strange approach!

When DH and I have guests to stay (adult or child) we're both equally responsible for welcoming them to our home and entertaining them. DH doesn't have equivalent nephews / nieces, but when he's had his friends to stay who have DC I've never felt they're more his guests than mine.

When his MIL and SIL stay, they're both our guests, not just his.

Does your DH really leave all the work to you if you have DC to stay? I'd be having a word if mine did that! And I certainly wouldn't do it to him.

Also, I think it's significant that DSis's DH is a teacher - it's not as if they're a household with zero experience of kids!

Also, I think it's significant that DSis's DH is a teacher-it's not as if they're a household with zero experience of kids!

But maybe he doesn’t want to spend his holidays looking after yours.

Do you work full time? Can't you get house in order when kids are in school?
As a teacher honestly I would not want to be providing holiday cover after spending all year with other people's kids
I never have family offering to host my kids.

Do you work full time? Yes I work (meant to be working now!).

As a teacher honestly I would not want to be providing holiday cover after spending all year with other people's kids

2 days as a rare one off, at a weekend, is hardly "providing holiday cover".