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Original poster

Is it ever ok lie ?

123 replies

Alfiemoon1 · 13/07/2019 22:58

I am so confused at the moment i ve not bothered to change my user name long story short 4 years ago dh struck up a friendship that I asked him to tone as we hardly spent any time together due to work and he was constantly on his phone. Instead of toning it down he went to hiding it switched to WhatsApp instead of texts deleted messages called her while at work which for me is where the problem started. In his eyes it was and is all innocent and he wasn’t being told how many texts he could send who he could be friends with

We have both behaved badly he’s said things in the heat of the moment I have snooped on his phone desperately trying to find proof something was going on I never have

Because of the lies I have demanded he cuts contact with her which was by WhatsApp and meeting up dog walking with her behind my back. He agreed many times and always gets caught out

The problem is when I think he’s not in contact we are getting on so well we have been married 19 years and now dc are older we are having date nights our sex life is amazing we enjoy dog walking together i am really happy with him I look forward to our time off together

Found out a week ago he has been dog walking with her behind my back again she isn’t blocked on his phone he’s the one asking to go for a walk all messages just chit chat confronted him with his messages he lied to me so I’ve gone mental at him

He’s text me once again he’s done nothing wrong they are just friends blah blah he has plenty of other female friends that he’s always managed to be open and honest about and I have no problems with

How do we resolve this? I see both of our points of view mine so much has gone on he should cut contact he breaks my heart every time I find out he’s lied he should priorities his marriage his he’s done nothing wrong no sexting etc it’s a friendship he doesn’t need permission who he can talk to or see I am the one with the problem and making some out of nothing

OP posts:
daisyboocantoo · 13/07/2019 23:05

This would be a deal breaker for me.

He is having an emotional affair, and isn't prioritizing you.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2019 23:08

How many chances are you going to give him ?

How many times will you ask the same question ?

At what point will you decide eneouh is enough

Needsomebottle · 14/07/2019 00:10

I had a very similar situation with my DH. Unsure if anything more than EA went on, from what I saw he was probably more invested than her. It ran it's course (took three years) and now, three years since it ended and he's totally invested in us, I'm not. I've checked out. And I wish I'd walked away then when I felt like I had good reason. Now it feels like I'd be rocking a steady boat unnecessarily.
Your circumstances sound really similar. If it doesn't feel right, don't let up. You feel he is overstepping a boundary, he doesn't. You have to agree on the boundaries otherwise a relationship can't work. He doesn't seem to care how much it bothers you and doesn't offer reassurance, instead has taken steps to further hide it. If it were innocent why would he do this? If he's like my DH he thinks simply because he's not having sex he's not doing anything wrong. I think some people do think that way.

Is it ok to lie? No. Not in a relationship. It's ok to lie to your great aunt bethel that you love her Christmas present of a badly hand knitted scarf, but to your partner about how much time you're spending with another woman? No. That's not ok.

McTits · 14/07/2019 00:13

How do you resolve this? By kicking him out and realising you deserve better!

AgentJohnson · 14/07/2019 06:36

Get off the bloody merry-go-d! He has repeatedly demonstrated that the contact he has with this woman is a priority and he will lie to protect their contact. Given the ease he has lied to you, I suspect he’s had practice)

This is who he is, the balls in your court, accept the ‘OW’ —live in denial about their ‘friendship’—or get rid. You can not trust him because he’s untrustworthy.

thegirlracer · 14/07/2019 08:25

What AnyFucker said.

TheStoic · 14/07/2019 09:45

He’s not going to stop. Why would he?

As long as he can weather the occasional argument with you, he can do whatever he wants.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2019 11:14

How long has this being going on for, op ?

I seem to have been reading about this ridiculous situation for a long time so it must be bloody torture for you to be living it

Give it up, love. No man is worth this.

IamtheOA · 14/07/2019 11:25

Nope, not ok.

You say that he has other female friends, and he is open and honest about them, and you are ok with it.

So, there is no actual need for him to lie, but in this instance he is choosing to.

He is hurling a ton of disrespect your way.

It's not your fault he's lying- he's lying because he wants to trick you - no other reason. Who knows why he wants to trick you- he may have feelings for her, or some other reason.

RLEOM · 14/07/2019 11:32

He has no respect for your feelings at all. If he's not already having an emotional affair, he definitely sounds like the type who would in the future.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 14/07/2019 12:28

He’s leaving tomorrow it just seems so stupid to end a long marriage for this and until the latest discovery we were very happy but i won’t be lied to

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 14/07/2019 12:48

So sorry. You must feel wretched. 😔 I hope he is remorseful and sees your point of view, irrespective of what happens in the future, I hope he can see it.

WitsEnding · 14/07/2019 12:53

It's his actions that have ended your marriage, and the fact that he's prepared to let that happen rather than stop seeing her tells you where his priorities lie.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2019 13:02

It was inevitable, Alfie. I am sorry.

He valued his "friendship" with this woman more than he valued your marriage. That is the bottom line.

boymum9 · 14/07/2019 13:03

No it's not! After 10 years of multiple lies about women and messages and "just friends" to lies about petty things like timings and plans and stuff like that, i walked away from my marriage, that on top of other issues, I just knew I couldn't do it anymore, I felt like I was going crazy being lied to constantly!

McTits · 14/07/2019 13:10

Don’t see it as ending a long marriage as that’s irrelevant. You’ve put up with loads of shit from him for far too long. See it as starting a new life without someone who has been lying to you and disrespecting you for years. I’m not going to pretend that it’s easy but I can guarantee you will be happier! Good luck 😊

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 14/07/2019 13:29

He’s crashing around packing his things the kids are out thankfully. He sees it as he is not being told who he can be friends with. It’s one person in the entire universe I expect him not to have contact with because of his lies and behaviour surrounding the friendship.

OP posts:
IamtheOA · 14/07/2019 13:34

Of course he's going to try and blame you....

Needsomebottle · 14/07/2019 14:01

Wow. So even now, when faced with the end of his marriage he is still insisting he won't be told who he can be friends with, if she didn't mean that much he'd straight up say "if it bothers you that much I will stop contacting her" as she wouldn't matter more than his marriage and you. He is hiding behind this "principle" of not being told who to be in contact with to allow him to leave because he values her more. Whether or not she feels the same remains to be seen, but either way, you will ultimately be better off without him I am sure, hard as that may be to believe in the pain of this moment.

Write down how you are feeling right now, so if things die down and he comes crawling back he can't minimise it, and you can make a clearer decision by remembering exactly how he made you feel. So sorry.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 14/07/2019 14:02

Yes he blames me and mums net lol we are all the unreasonable ones

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 14/07/2019 14:20

She doesn’t feel the same way she has a partner of about 5 years who she is open and honest with about the friendship with

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2019 14:36

And still he lies and bullshits

Stupid man

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 14/07/2019 14:39

Yes he is very stupid he’s doing all this for nothing as far as I am aware she has never given him any indication it is anything more than a friendship

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 14/07/2019 17:30

It’s been 4 years any fucker

OP posts:
DaffoDeffo · 14/07/2019 18:12

He'll be back with his tail between his legs when he realises she is not going to prioritise him the way he does her

What a stupid man. So sorry you are going through this. Some people can just be plain idiotic.

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