Is it ever ok lie ?

[Alfiemoon1]

I am so confused at the moment i ve not bothered to change my user name long story short 4 years ago dh struck up a friendship that I asked him to tone as we hardly spent any time together due to work and he was constantly on his phone. Instead of toning it down he went to hiding it switched to WhatsApp instead of texts deleted messages called her while at work which for me is where the problem started. In his eyes it was and is all innocent and he wasn’t being told how many texts he could send who he could be friends with

We have both behaved badly he’s said things in the heat of the moment I have snooped on his phone desperately trying to find proof something was going on I never have

Because of the lies I have demanded he cuts contact with her which was by WhatsApp and meeting up dog walking with her behind my back. He agreed many times and always gets caught out

The problem is when I think he’s not in contact we are getting on so well we have been married 19 years and now dc are older we are having date nights our sex life is amazing we enjoy dog walking together i am really happy with him I look forward to our time off together

Found out a week ago he has been dog walking with her behind my back again she isn’t blocked on his phone he’s the one asking to go for a walk all messages just chit chat confronted him with his messages he lied to me so I’ve gone mental at him

He’s text me once again he’s done nothing wrong they are just friends blah blah he has plenty of other female friends that he’s always managed to be open and honest about and I have no problems with

How do we resolve this? I see both of our points of view mine so much has gone on he should cut contact he breaks my heart every time I find out he’s lied he should priorities his marriage his he’s done nothing wrong no sexting etc it’s a friendship he doesn’t need permission who he can talk to or see I am the one with the problem and making some out of nothing

That is tragic Alfie

4 fucking years?

She has no intention to making this any more than a friendship

Get your responses ready for when he's begging to come back. Don't be fooled again.

He won’t be coming back this time he has left before and I’ve taken him back when he’s promised me he would cut contact. Yes he deleted her number only for me on 2 occasions to find it hidden. He’s done the wondering round the village all day claiming to be depressed or suicidal. I am not falling for it. I told my sister tonight for the first time what’s going on she was shocked

I never told family before because if we sorted things out i didn’t want them to hold it against him

Just found out a friend's dh who has been ddog walking has had 4 women on the go. One for 7 years!!
He chose her over your marriage op.
Let him leave.
In fact slam the bloody door after him.

Your husband is very disrespectful about your feelings and an absolute idiot to not value what you had together 😱.
I don't blame you at all - he doesn't deserve you.

Can’t believe I thought he had stopped all this shit last time I ended up posting all his behaviour on Facebook carefully selecting who could see it. How he lies how he lied to her about me she found out and went mad with him so I thought it was finished we have been so happy he wasn’t secretive with his phone etc. He surprised me by taking our dog to the groomers I knew she had just set up a grooming business. Hd wasn’t cut the same so I asked if it was our regular groomers he said yes they just left him longer this time. Checked his phone archived WhatsApp messages going back a few weeks he had taken him to hers and had been out walking with her. Even sent him the screenshots he admitted the groomers saying he wanted to support her business denied meeting her to walk even though it was in black and white and he was the one saying do u want to go out walking

She even said won’t she go mad if you use a different groomers yes I would even if it wasn’t her I am very fussy over my dogs cut and it was shit 2 weeks later his fur is over his eyes and he was scratching his ears so has ended up at the vets as she hadn’t plucked them right.

He’s pissed and was trying to start a row i am ignoring him i am certainly not going to try and discuss this when he’s been drinking and I don’t really see the point in discussing it at all

He’s drunk didn’t hear the start of the conversation just him raising his voice to dd 17 saying yeah and now I have to go and stay at my fucking mothers because your fucking mother is mental he did then apologise to her. But this is his choice despite everything I have still given him the opportunity to cut contact with her or move out he is choosing to move out based on pathetic principles on I am an adult I won’t be told who I can be friends with arghh you and your principals can knob off

Well he’s not moved out which in fairness as he could only go to his mums who is suffering dementia and has taken a turn for the worse is probably best for her she already has hallucinations thinking dead relatives are in her house

Thankfully he works permanent nights so it’s easy to avoid each other and he can sleep on the sofa bed on his nights off he’s not unpacked so hopefully that is a good sign he is still intending on moving out

I’ve blocked him on WhatsApp and text after him sending me a lot of vile texts the other night when he was drunk we have a family chat group so we can communicate via that regarding the kids

I made my feelings clear along time ago about his lying and the lengths he went to keep it all secret it’s not my fault he didn’t didn’t even get a shag out of it

Wow you sound controlling.
I would leave my DH on the spot if he told me to cut contact with a friend. If you came on mumsnet saying you are not allowed to contact you male friend, everyone would he screaming emotional abuse and to LTB.
Posting this shit on FB was batshit crazy too.

I think you are late to the party alexander . There is much more to this story than this post .

Maybe I am but I feel I have given him plenty of opportunity over the last 4 years to start over and keep the friendship out in the open like he does with every one else but he continues to lie and hide it. I said in my open post I have done things I am not proud of but I am incredibly hurt by his lies both to me and to her about me But I will take on board your point of view and maybe that’s something I can work on in the future

Ignore the ignorant latecomer, Alfie

Hmmmm OP, 4 years of spending time / emotion / energy investing into another woman that isn't you is one thing but to lie constantly and minimise and then roar up when confronted - fuck that shit. He sounds like a dick. I'm sure the woman would probably agree (if her reaction to your FB musings is correct). I'd just keep yourself calm & try and ride this out. There will be happier days what ever YOU decide to do lovely.

Alexander is obviously far cooler than me would they be happy with another woman sending dh her pictures every time she was dressed up to go out he’s hardly a style icon and she put them on Facebook anyway would they be happy with their dh downloading her pictures off Facebook that he isn’t even in because they are nice and trying to hide them on his phone

Maybe it is me maybe that is how normal friendships are these days but add on the lying sneaking around meeting up with her the changing phone setting etc it personally makes me feel uncomfortable about the friendship

He does it because he knows you will do nothing. He gets away with it time and time again. Yes we can all have opposite sex friends but the fact this is making you uncomfortable and he is continually lying about it shows he no plans on it stopping.

He has shown you this in his behaviour. Time and time again. So the ball is now in your court...time for you to decide what YOU are going to do......

I know it’s his fault but if I was the other women I would be so uncomfortable knowing my friends wife was not happy with this and then to keep doing it....
Seems off.

Why does she send him photos
Of herself all dressed up?
I don't do this for my friends.
I occasionally put up pictures on Instagram when I'm out.
She sounds quite flirtatious - or am I missing something?

He fancies her.
This is unacceptable.

Unless her partner has an open relationship with her not sure why he would put up with it ....

Ugh. There's always one isn't there? Op I don't blame you. It's not the friendship, it's the lying!

I have no idea why she sent the pictures that’s something my teenage daughter does with her female friends not something I would expect at 40 year old woman to send to a married man plus they were friends on Facebook and she posted the same pictures on there

She is flirty she is en ex prostitute who sold her story to the papers bragging about her price list
She had one bloke at the stable paying her rent and shagged the old bloke at the next yard in exchange for free riding lessons
Maybe she has changed now she has a boyfriend i don’t know but I still trust him to be friends with her until I asked him to tone it down with her as i was feeling uncomfortable with the level of contact the pictures she was sending him saving other pictures and searching for her on Facebook 20 times a day

If he had respected my wishes instead of lying hiding it I would have no problem with them being friends I actually liked and got on with her and could of probably been friends with her myself instead he stirred things up between us so yes I would expect any reasonable woman to have backed away I would of but at the end of the day this is his fault not hers

Well THAT was one hell of a drip feed op!!!! Or were you being sarcastic?

Unfortunately I am not being sarcastic apologies if you think i was drip feeding but all this has been mentioned in my numerous other posts of the last 4 years