Is it ever ok lie ?

[Alfiemoon1]

I am so confused at the moment i ve not bothered to change my user name long story short 4 years ago dh struck up a friendship that I asked him to tone as we hardly spent any time together due to work and he was constantly on his phone. Instead of toning it down he went to hiding it switched to WhatsApp instead of texts deleted messages called her while at work which for me is where the problem started. In his eyes it was and is all innocent and he wasn’t being told how many texts he could send who he could be friends with

We have both behaved badly he’s said things in the heat of the moment I have snooped on his phone desperately trying to find proof something was going on I never have

Because of the lies I have demanded he cuts contact with her which was by WhatsApp and meeting up dog walking with her behind my back. He agreed many times and always gets caught out

The problem is when I think he’s not in contact we are getting on so well we have been married 19 years and now dc are older we are having date nights our sex life is amazing we enjoy dog walking together i am really happy with him I look forward to our time off together

Found out a week ago he has been dog walking with her behind my back again she isn’t blocked on his phone he’s the one asking to go for a walk all messages just chit chat confronted him with his messages he lied to me so I’ve gone mental at him

He’s text me once again he’s done nothing wrong they are just friends blah blah he has plenty of other female friends that he’s always managed to be open and honest about and I have no problems with

How do we resolve this? I see both of our points of view mine so much has gone on he should cut contact he breaks my heart every time I find out he’s lied he should priorities his marriage his he’s done nothing wrong no sexting etc it’s a friendship he doesn’t need permission who he can talk to or see I am the one with the problem and making some out of nothing

I think petrol is being a bit Goady!!

So you have an ex-prostitute screaming down the phone at you that your husband has the right to see her? And she sends him photos of herself and he hides them? Come on, OP, ffs, this man is awful. It's gone on for four years. Are you going to have to see them in bed to actually leave him?

OP just wanted to jump in and give you a virtual hug as your situation sounds like a carbon copy of my own, with roles reversed (though in my case the guy would never have had the guts to have ranted over the phone - he’d just leg it whenever I appeared).

It’s true: at this point whether they’re having an affair is now kind of besides the point. It’s the decisions he’s made about how to handle it: to lie to you, to shift the blame to you, all of which adds up to him totally disrespecting you.

I would urge you to visit ChumpLady’s website and look up “Cake”.

@Lauren850 It makes sense when you consider things are only fine when she turns a blind eye. Things are fine because he’s being allowed to have his cake and to eat it. This is the classic “three legged stool” affair (look it up).

She phoned in an attempt to clear the air reassure me nothing is going on probably to smooth things over for dh but I don’t want to speak to her there is no point in me explaining my feelings over him lying she wouldn’t believe me about him searching her 20 times a day on Facebook or downloading her pictures why would she as she hardly knows me and he’s painted me out to be some mad jealous person who doesn’t allow him to have friends he even lied to her saying I had said stuff about her

So when I refused and walked out the room he follow me with her on speakerphone where she was telling me to grow up he’s allowed friends and that I am mental which to her I probably am as it’s dog walking and innocent texts it’s all the other crap over the years

If we had the conversation she now wants to have 4 years ago when I initially said I am not comfortable with the level of contact and the photo sharing before he started lying I would have no problem

So now she’s fed up and wants nothing to do with any of us - heard that before and he’s supposedly blocked and deleted her number also heard that before heard that a week ago yet she still managed to call him so that was back tracked to he deleted her off WhatsApp her number isn’t stored on his phone so basically he just deleted the chat which he’s been doing for years and he expects us to carry on as normal I ve heard it all before

He actually said ok so all I have to do is block and delete her ok I’ve done that ffs i said that years ago we have barely spoken for 2 weeks he was leaving blah blah

It sure is a head fuck it’s not what they are doing which is all very innocent it’s the lies the sneaking around I have openly admitted I have behaved badly with my snooping on his phone but it has felt at times like he has been taunting me to do it hard to explain but sort of started a conversation then stopped it. He’s passed on my private messages to him to her but then told me what they discuss is confidential it’s between them

Not proud of the Facebook thing either although she wasn’t named and it was carefully selected who could see it that was probably my attempt to explain to her my feelings how he is behaving regarding her yes i probably should of text her she didn’t believe me anyway but I don’t want to discuss my marriage directly with someone who has been fed a load of lies and personal details about me of which I know nothing about. Because of him she has ranted at me for saying this or that which I haven’t

Op, this must have been a terrible 4yrs for you, I do not have much advice for you, i just hope you are okay, this behaviour will not stop and he is cheating on you with this women, it may not be physically but it definitely is emotionally, he is lying to you, he is talking to her about you, he is emotionally connecting with this women on a level where he feels he needs to lie and delete messages, I do not know if you will continue to put up with this behaviour or finally get the courage to say enough is enough, I think you really need to find some rl support and find out some of you rights and entitlements for if you one day decide to take that plunge

And now he’s suddenly carrying on as if everything is normal not that we have spent the last 2 weeks arguing and that he was leaving
I think I need to remind him to get looking for a flat

"Er. Excuse me. Nothings changed here. I don't want you any more."

Yes. Remind him.

Of course he's trying to pretend its all fine now. He's trying to brush it all under the carpet. And if everything was just all fine and innocent there wouldn't be this desperate attempt to keep everything secret.

They're gaslighting you.

For reference, here's a taste of what I put up with:

My ex and her OM were infatuated with each other. I only found out after we split how many boundaries she broke (from OM's ex).

When I first became uncomfortable with their relationship (I accidentally saw a text from him saying he stop thinking about her - she minimised saying she didn't feel the same way. Turned out later she did) she agreed to avoid him on the school run. When she ignored that rule she claimed it was because she felt the rule felt too constricting. We agreed she could say "Hi" if she bumped into him, but no more. Then came the day I went to the school myself, because she seemed to be running late and I'd decided to work from home. I found them tete-a-tete over a picnic table, bemoaning their twarted love.

Her reaction? Pure fury. Bad Husband! You shouldn't be here! Get back in your kennel! her justification? "We agreed I could talk to him".

As you can see that's a complete distortion of what we had agreed. But that's the way the guilty mind works.

So, by his actions, even if they've not slept with each other the way they're reacting suggests something rotten at its core.

saw a text from him saying he couldn't* stop thinking about her

Wow just wow! He’s throwing away an awful lot for nothing.. The thing is, she isn’t nothing to him and you know it.

At this point OP, I wouldn't be reminding him about a flat, id be packing for him and making it REALLY clear there is no coming back from this.

His stuff is still packed i will have a word with him that although he said he has blocked her I have heard it all before. He supposedly didn’t have her number no way of contacting her after last time and low and behold he did and of course it blew up again this is what repeatedly keeps happening

I am being civil to him because the kids are off school I don’t want them round an atmosphere so maybe he’s misunderstanding the situation so I will remind him

Not sure I can keep this being civil up he is pissing me off not sure if he’s doing it intentionally or not nothing to do with her just general being incompetent not doing as I have asked him to and fucking little things up that are really simple and straight forward

Really annoyed with him tonight

Re reading all my posts I can easily avoid him when he’s working it’s when we are off together and I am trying to keep things pleasant for dc that we just go back to normal without realising it

She’s randomly unblocked me on Facebook for some reason no I don’t stalk her we are on the same local groups I couldn’t see her comments yesterday but can today which is weird so I’ve blocked her I have no interest in either of them anymore he’s created this whole situation from nothing for nothing

Sorry thought I was starting a new post. Didn’t mean to post this here not sure how to do that I’ll try again

Sorry again for posting on your post. I can’t delete it..
However I don’t think it is ever good to lie in a relationship. I breaks the foundation of trust and throws seeds of distrust into the relationship. Sure white lies can be ok so as not to harm feelings. But hiding meeting with someone is not harmless.

Never I am sorry you are having a tough time yes sex is important in a marriage does your dw feel pressured have you tried doing nice things like date nights without her thinking you are expecting sex at the end of it

I know we struggled to make time for each other when the kids were growing up and for me our sex life became a bit of a chore and it was hard to go from mum mode to sexy wife

Now the kids are older things have improved they can be left so we will go out to walk the dogs maybe call for a drink go out for meals together little things like that have really improved for me our relationship I feel we are much closer and Therefore want to have sex with him and our sex life has been amazing over the last few years

Except he is prepared to throw it all away to lie to me and continue meeting up with her I hope you work things out never and I am sure if you start a new thread people will give you lots of helpful advice to get things back on track good luck

He had a special birthday this weekend and I’ve managed to make sure he enjoyed it for the kids and everyone else’s sake he had a party which had a good turnout for some one who isn’t allowed friends lol. Kids are now away for 2 weeks so it’s just us thankfully both working opposite shifts for the first week

He’s not blocked her number at all just deleted it as usual she hasn’t been stored a contact for years and has been deleting their chats so nothing has or will change I don’t even get the issue with blocking her other than that she will see it on WhatsApp he can unblock at the touch of a button so why even make the grand gesture and not follow it through not that it would make any difference to me anymore I know he is never going to cut contact with her so I just want to split up as peacefully as possible

There is no compromise on this anymore he’s had numerous opportunity to keep the friendship open honest and above board and hasn’t and whether I am right or wrong because I know nothing has gone on I won’t accept anything less than no contact with her i refuse to keep going round in circles and the fact it’s such a tough decision the fact he will dig his heels in over so called principles knowing it hurting and upsetting me tells me all I need to know

Poor mr Alfie ow is giving him grief for basically me still not wanting to speak to her no point he’s fed her so many lies and probably being with me as I won’t accept the friendship he’s getting no contact from me as he is still in contact with her

It’s a hard life when you fabricate something out of nothing for an ego boost he will be the one to loose everything for nothing

Good for you OP stay strong.

I recall your other posts. As others have said this is not going to change. She may want to talk to you but it's all to ensure their friendship can carry on. As you said, it's not the friendship as much as the lies and hiding it. I'm sorry OP but he is not looking to drop her, but looking for a chance for her to make you let him stay friends.
My DH has many female friends, in 20 years only 1 has been a problem to me, something about their relationship got my radar turning. Lots of rows, then she got drunk and sexted him and STILL he tried to maintain the friendship as sexting was 'just her way' . It took a councillor to point out he was being a dick and he had to chose her friendship or our marriage as they weren't compatible. (He did ignore the sexts btw but I think in these sort of intense friendships one side always wants more)

We have reached a stalemate i don’t think he can say or do anything to resolve this even if he wanted to I’ve heard it all before. He doesn’t have her number has no way of contacting her. She hasn’t been stored as a contact for years he deleted the number before twice I’ve found it written down hidden once in his wallet and once in his work diary

He supposedly did have her number this time yet according to the messages he contacted her first he told me he had blocked her on WhatsApp now he hasn’t as he does know her number? He’s repeatedly told me he won’t contact her then does so we have the same row over again where he then brings up his I won’t be told who I can be friends with and I’ve done nothing wrong crap

There’s nothing more he can say is there ? There are no more promises he can make because I won’t believe him and I know a few months down the line after being very happy we will be in the same position