Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ever ok lie ?

123 replies

Alfiemoon1 · 13/07/2019 22:58

I am so confused at the moment i ve not bothered to change my user name long story short 4 years ago dh struck up a friendship that I asked him to tone as we hardly spent any time together due to work and he was constantly on his phone. Instead of toning it down he went to hiding it switched to WhatsApp instead of texts deleted messages called her while at work which for me is where the problem started. In his eyes it was and is all innocent and he wasn’t being told how many texts he could send who he could be friends with

We have both behaved badly he’s said things in the heat of the moment I have snooped on his phone desperately trying to find proof something was going on I never have

Because of the lies I have demanded he cuts contact with her which was by WhatsApp and meeting up dog walking with her behind my back. He agreed many times and always gets caught out

The problem is when I think he’s not in contact we are getting on so well we have been married 19 years and now dc are older we are having date nights our sex life is amazing we enjoy dog walking together i am really happy with him I look forward to our time off together

Found out a week ago he has been dog walking with her behind my back again she isn’t blocked on his phone he’s the one asking to go for a walk all messages just chit chat confronted him with his messages he lied to me so I’ve gone mental at him

He’s text me once again he’s done nothing wrong they are just friends blah blah he has plenty of other female friends that he’s always managed to be open and honest about and I have no problems with

How do we resolve this? I see both of our points of view mine so much has gone on he should cut contact he breaks my heart every time I find out he’s lied he should priorities his marriage his he’s done nothing wrong no sexting etc it’s a friendship he doesn’t need permission who he can talk to or see I am the one with the problem and making some out of nothing

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 30/07/2019 19:59

In 2017 you asked about how to word your divorce petition. In 2018 you said he'd asked for a divorce. Why on earth are you still asking for advice in 2019?

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 30/07/2019 21:29

Because each time I believe he has cut contact we are very happy we can go 6 months 9 months etc then I find out he’s lied again because I stupidly love him because I don’t get why he does this when he doesn’t seem to get anything out of it he’s still not shagged her and yes he’s deleted lots of messages but everything I have seen has been either chit chat or if we are rowing over her slagging me off. Because we have been together 25 years married for 19 and have 2 kids because financially splitting up is going to be difficult and it’s not what I want but I won’t put up with being lied to

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 30/07/2019 21:54

Maybe i am a bit slow or thick but I don’t see what either of them are getting out of this situation. My dh and dc are my world and while I appreciate the need for friendships and hobbies outside the marriage as they are important and add conversation etc if any of those things were causing problems I would stop them I honestly don’t understand what either of them get out of this but hassle

He spends time being happy with his family then lies so spends the rest of the time on the sofa bed living out of a suitcase she gets chit chat she could get from anyone then spends the rest of the time slagging off someone she doesn’t know listening to some middle age bloke slagging his wife off while trying to play the nice person ensuring I know she’s not interested in him but not believing a word I say against him why would either of them bother

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 30/07/2019 22:25

I’ve got enough screenshots to prove he’s lied to me and her that he stalked her on Facebook etc etc enough that she would probably run a mile but what’s the point it needs to come from him he needs to own his ridiculous behaviour and want to save his marriage but he is so obsessed with proclaiming his innocence that nothing happened between them that he seems willing to lose everything because of it

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 31/07/2019 06:49

You question the OW’s self respect by being with your H, depressingly, she could ask the same of you.

This is who he is, wasting more of your life waiting for him to be someone he isn’t, is a choice.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 31/07/2019 22:17

I don’t think I have questioned her self respect I have questioned what are either of them getting out of this friendship
I have finally found my self respect his stuff is packed up but he had no where to go

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 02/08/2019 21:05

We are both on annual leave now so I’ve come to my sisters while she is away he just says the same thing over and over I have done anything wrong or what really infuriates me we haven’t done anything wrong I am the one ruining everything

I am not saying he has slept with her I am saying he has lied to me about his contact with her met up with her behind my back sent her my private texts to her lied to her to shit stir and prioritised the friendship over his marriage all of which I have proof of but I hit a brick wall with his standard answer that he’s not done anything wrong

OP posts:
SarahH19 · 02/08/2019 21:21

They've slept together ... screams affair.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 02/08/2019 21:30

I honestly don’t think they have there is no indication of even sexting in their messages although a lot were deleted. I am not confident he would say no though if it was offered to him

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 06/08/2019 23:38

Really shit day my sister is away with the kids it’s dd 18 th soon and she is making a photo album for her off my mums pictures was struggling with the printer asked dh husband to help me set it up we have cooed and printed off dd memories of the last 17 years this is what he is throwing away for nothing I don’t understand why he is doing this our lovely dd has no respect for him anymore why is he destroying his family

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 10/08/2019 21:36

Seen a thread on here about the final sentence that ended your marriage and it won’t let me comment
For me it was being loved up for 6 months believing he wasn’t in contact with her he was then dog sitting I wasn’t going to be there the full time due to kids and work so I had a wobble told him I thought he would be in contact with her the minute I left like last time 6 months before

His reply Alfie you are paranoid mental why are you bringing this up again I have deleted her number I have no way of contacting her

Yep he initiated the contact funny how he magically got her number I am at x for the next 2 days but do you want to meet Alfie will be at work

It may have taken 4 years but that was my light bulb moment he’s never going to change he won’t can’t give her up

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 13/08/2019 22:58

Well I am going to have to put up with him for a bit longer as I lost my job today been there since may supposedly temp to permanent agency rang today while I am on annual leave due to the business needs I am no longer needed and don’t need to go in on Monday I am shocked I didn’t see this coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 16/08/2019 22:39

He’s after a row tonight making sarcastic comments every time I pass him like let me know when you go upstairs so I can call her ?? Wtf not rising to it but we both no he used to message her the minute he got to work and occasionally at home when I left the room dd even pulled him up on it.

Have walked passed him while he’s still chunnering some shit at me fingers crossed I get another job soon so can get rid of him

OP posts:
RRJR · 16/08/2019 23:17

Oh ffs

I remember your threads from over the years. At one point all this was about horses and now it’s dog walking. You’d get your daughter involved in your mess of a marriage

Why on earth are you still together?! Seriously.. it’s boring op. Same old problems year in year old. You were posting about this back in 2017.. two and a half years ago and you are in EXACTLY the same situation as you were back then, when you could’ve acted on the advice given and could’ve moved on by now

You don’t love each other. This isn’t love. He doesn’t respect you and you don’t trust him. You are controlling however he’s a lying arsehole so you either belong together or you need to split up completely

The advice won’t change. Sort your marriage out or start a divorce. I don’t know how you have the energy for all this drama

Gemma1971 · 17/08/2019 11:09

I think you're definitely being lied to. The fact he has deleted messages is one of the things that screams affair. I think they are sleeping together, despite what he tells you she has said about her partner.... and this is why she means more to him than his marriage and he is prepared to end his marriage for her. She is not just a friend and if she WAS, he would not be hiding it all from you. If she is just a friend, then why does he not bring her to your house? Other friends come to your house, right?

I have tolerated some abuse in my time, but this is one thing that I could not. And I could never disrespect my partner like this. He is doing nothing to reassure you and prioritise you and everything to prioritise her. That says EVERYTHING about his feelings for you and what he thinks of her. AND what is REALLY going on.

If it's proof you after, then hire a private detective. They are having sex somewhere. No man would behave like this unless he was getting more than dog walks and mindless chit chat. He's conning you.

See a solicitor for advice. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. I am really not sure I could continue to love someone who did this to me, no matter what our history was.

Popandhop · 17/08/2019 11:35

Alfie, so sorry to hear about your job, he is being damn cruel making jokes about phoning her when you go upstairs, let him waste his time calling her, while you phone a solicitor! this relationship is not healthy and making "jokes" like that shows how little he cares for you or how you are feeling x

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 17/08/2019 15:13

I’ve just got to put up with him til i find another job we can only just manage on one wage living together so either of us moving out isn’t an option at the moment

I don’t think they have slept together I think he would if she offered it. If i have to try and put a label on it possibly Limerence on his part as it’s all one sided and this isn’t how he acts with any other just friends it doesn’t really matter anymore I am not going to be continued to be lied to and he refuses to stop or even try and see my point of view

So fingers crossed I get another job soon

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 17/08/2019 22:46

He not being so cocky tonight he’s sat down stairs on his own facing another night on the sofa bed looking miserable while me and the kids are in our rooms. He’s back to work tomorrow night so that will make things easier

I have no sympathy for him he created this whole situation he has repeatedly betrayed my trust not just in the lying and sneaking around but things like sending her screenshots of our private conversations yet he only did that with her when she asked him to pass on a message because I blocked her
Giving her my number when I told him not to I didn’t want to speak to her if it was the other way round he would of respected her wishes
Never once owning up to her why I am unhappy with the friendship lying to her about me so she believes i am some controlling loon

Having read chump lady the cake eater he is definitely trying to have his cake and eat it but not with me he isn’t

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 18/08/2019 01:28

I understand everyone’s frustration with me why has this gone on so long but when I am blissfully unaware he is lying again to me we are very happy date nights great sex life we can go 6 9 months very happy together then it always comes crashing down again

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 27/08/2019 00:01

This is so difficult I have made my mind up enough was enough was feeling strong then lost my job had to fake it for his 50 th birthday and then dd a level results now dd 18 th birthday we look to everyone so happy we could and should be if it wasn’t for his past behaviour

He’s blocked her on WhatsApp deleted his Facebook account his choice. But he trained her to only contact him after he had left for work so to me he probably gave her the heads up and unblocks her when he goes to work I don’t know that is the whole root of this problem i don’t know i don’t trust him anymore

OP posts:
CIareIsland · 27/08/2019 00:29

Your poor DD to have a DM stuck in this drama loop - totally preoccupied with shaming, stirring, obsessing. It’s one thing that her DF is a philander - it’s another that her DM can’t extricate herself from this.

Your DD has seen, heard, internalised and learnt some very bad lessons wrt relationships and she no doubt will allow herself to be treated badly by any partner as her DM has taught her.

Get out for your DD sake.

RRJR · 27/08/2019 01:05

My god. Your poor DD stuck in your embarrassing drama

You sound like a 13 year old child OP.

Constantly posting about the same old drama.

user764329056 · 27/08/2019 01:12

Good grief, what a drama that’s been dragging on for years, nothing changes if nothing changes OP, why the hell are you stalling? Your poor daughter

New posts on this thread. Refresh page