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Original poster

Is it ever ok lie ?

123 replies

Alfiemoon1 · 13/07/2019 22:58

I am so confused at the moment i ve not bothered to change my user name long story short 4 years ago dh struck up a friendship that I asked him to tone as we hardly spent any time together due to work and he was constantly on his phone. Instead of toning it down he went to hiding it switched to WhatsApp instead of texts deleted messages called her while at work which for me is where the problem started. In his eyes it was and is all innocent and he wasn’t being told how many texts he could send who he could be friends with

We have both behaved badly he’s said things in the heat of the moment I have snooped on his phone desperately trying to find proof something was going on I never have

Because of the lies I have demanded he cuts contact with her which was by WhatsApp and meeting up dog walking with her behind my back. He agreed many times and always gets caught out

The problem is when I think he’s not in contact we are getting on so well we have been married 19 years and now dc are older we are having date nights our sex life is amazing we enjoy dog walking together i am really happy with him I look forward to our time off together

Found out a week ago he has been dog walking with her behind my back again she isn’t blocked on his phone he’s the one asking to go for a walk all messages just chit chat confronted him with his messages he lied to me so I’ve gone mental at him

He’s text me once again he’s done nothing wrong they are just friends blah blah he has plenty of other female friends that he’s always managed to be open and honest about and I have no problems with

How do we resolve this? I see both of our points of view mine so much has gone on he should cut contact he breaks my heart every time I find out he’s lied he should priorities his marriage his he’s done nothing wrong no sexting etc it’s a friendship he doesn’t need permission who he can talk to or see I am the one with the problem and making some out of nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 18/07/2019 20:13

I trusted my husband what she did in the past was her business and as long as he kept everything open above board and didn’t over invest in the friendship I had no reason not to treat it any different from any of his other friendships with either male of females. Unfortunately he didn’t which is why we are where we are now

OP posts:
LittleDoll · 18/07/2019 20:32

I couldn't put up with my partner treating any woman as more than an acquaintance. Happy to abide by the same as I really dont see why I'd need attention off another man.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 18/07/2019 20:55

I don’t mind him having female friends as long as it’s kept open and upfront and I expect both of them to respect my wishes on her part to value her friends marriage family and happiness that if I feel uncomfortable or that the friendship is affecting our marriage to stick within my boundaries. Not gang up on me like a witch hunt like they have done mainly fuelled by him

I do feel they have both crossed the line with this friendship but maybe we all have different boundaries which could be why me and dh have reached a stale mate situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 18/07/2019 21:32

I’ve always trusted dh with the attitude nobody else would ever put up with him lol now if find myself in the situation I don’t trust him because of his lies and still nobody will put up with him

OP posts:
howdyalikemenow · 18/07/2019 22:55

Sorry op I've not seen any of your previous posts/threads from the last 4 years and don't tend to reverse search other posters so it did seem like an almighty new piece of info! Not entirely fair to assume that people have a detailed handle on your life. But no offence was intended, it was just a surprise development and it seemed to come from nowhere!

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 19/07/2019 15:35

Oh sorry I didn’t mean it like that and certainly wasn’t offended and I apologies if you thought I was being off with you I certainly didn’t mean it that way

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 19/07/2019 19:01

Feeling down in the dumps tonight I don’t want any of this but I don’t want to be lied to anymore I wish he’d never met her he’s turned my life upside down and we have been really happy recently

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/07/2019 20:01

Sorry you are feeling down, Alfie. Give a female friend a ring and go out somewhere this weekend. Get away from him. He makes you unhappy whether you are "together" or not.

howdyalikemenow · 19/07/2019 20:05

That suck OP. Sorry you feel shit. Relationships just suck sometimes Thanks

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 19/07/2019 20:17

I love him and want to be with him I just wish he would stop all the lies and what seems to be an obsession with her I wish I could knock some sense it to him he’s throwing away an awful lot for nothing

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/07/2019 20:27

He doesn't value what you value, Alfie

He considers your marriage to be of lower worth than whatever relationship he thinks he has with this woman

inlectorecumbit · 19/07/2019 21:33

Do l sense you backing down again Alfie?
Surely you realise aftr 4 years he is not going to change.
You are worth so much more than him

AnyFucker · 19/07/2019 22:10

I sense it too

Alfie...you post about this guy over and over

Same old shit for 4 years

Are you actually going to draw a line under it this time ?

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 19/07/2019 22:15

No definitely not she’s just been on the phone to him trying to speak to me so he’s been following me round the house with her on speakerphone where she is calling me mental and saying he’s allowed friends
That’s a first in years that he has taken a call from her in front of me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/07/2019 22:18

You are still engaging with the madness

You are still both under the same roof

And on it goes

AnyFucker · 19/07/2019 22:22

When I die, the Morecambe Sands Guide is going to scatter my ashes in the Bay

AnyFucker · 19/07/2019 22:23

Wromg thread

Apologies

Morgan12 · 19/07/2019 22:33

He is following you around with her on speakerphone calling you mental? Aye, I'd fucking show them both mental. Kick him out. Now.

PetrolBastard · 19/07/2019 22:36

I don't doubt it's unpleasant being lied to. But your behaviour sounds dreadful, OP. Publicly shaming him on FB? That's just not on in any circumstances. And you are openly admitting you know it's just a friendship - because you go through his phone behind his back. That's just as sneaky and devious as lying.

Not that you need to listen to what a bunch of people on MN say anyway. Go your own way. There are people here who do nothing other with their time than tell everyone to break up their relationships anyway, so take all advice with a pinch of salt.

sassandfaff · 20/07/2019 09:08

'I don't doubt that it's unpleasant being lied to'.

Clueless.

It's an absolute headfuck. You spend all your time, distrusting everything they say. You become paranoid. Is that true? Did that really happen? Where they really where they said? It's absolutely toxic to a relationship.

Lauren850 · 20/07/2019 10:04

I am the friend in a similar situation. My friend (the husband) talks to me because stuff has gone wrong in his relationship over the years and he doesn't know how to fix it. When he's tried it always seems to hit a brick wall - from his perspective there are certain things his wife won't discuss/ budge on and the conversation just gets stuck in her trying to stop his his friendship with me. We've known each other 30 yrs.

I'm not saying it's OK to be in this situation (and we certainly don't exchange pics of any kind) but I do think it's a sign of big underlying problems in the relationship - otherwise what you say makes no sense. You describe things as happy, great times, good sex etc, but what is he feeling that leads back to her? Also is your own happy feeling partly based on relief, when he's agreed to stop seeing her? If the woman moved to Australia and blocked contact with him by phone, would you two be happy or bored/ fed up?
Obviously as other people are saying the problem could be just him - ie he could be a selfish idiot or massive narcissist who needs attention from multiple people. But you sound as if you really like him generally and just want to cut out this one tiny area of behaviour. I suppose what I'm saying is that's a false premise - if behaviour does t change there's a whole lot of stuff behind it and you need to know what it is before deciding what to do. Then if you end the relationship you'll at least be clear of why and know it couldn't have changed.

Lauren850 · 20/07/2019 10:05

Ps I have left a marriage to a lying narcissist myself so am in no way advocating putting up with crap forever!

beccarocksbaby · 20/07/2019 10:15

Hey I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I've been there similarly only my husband came to his senses, got therapy and thankfully we turned it around and he has no contact with her.

Your husband is having an affair. I suggest you read about limerance and emotional affairs. And get him to.

He is likely to come to his senses. He's defensive and blaming you right now cause facing what an utter bastard he's been is very difficult for him. It's always difficult to own up when you've really damaged someone.

I highly recommend a good couples therapist who understands emotional affairs if he will consider it.

PetrolBastard · 20/07/2019 12:10

@sassandfaff

Cheers, babes. No one has ever lied to me, so I didn't know what it was like Hmm

sassandfaff · 20/07/2019 14:58

@PetrolBastard

You're welcome sweet cheeks.

Obviously reducing lying in a relationship to 'unpleasant' is a dead give away that you're extremely naive on the subject.

Anytime you need educating.....I'm here for you.