DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

The psychiatrist said H is ok to drive (to my face) - it seems incredible with the dosage he's on but I have had it straight from the doctor so have to believe it and it doesn't do any harm for H to do a bit of ferrying around for a change.

Jamais - you can't leave your kids alone with your H on Monday night even if it IS at your house - unless I've misunderstood what you've typed there?
It doesn't matter where they are, it matters who is looking after them - he's not fit, in your home, in his home, wherever.

Yes, you will have to find someone else to look after them or come back - as I said, I have a friend whose ex is the most devious man, who would exploit even the tiniest crack of a loophole in anything you do - you must NOT give him that crack.

No no don't worry I will come back myself if none else can do it.

If I can't leave them now while I'm 10 mins away there's no way I'd go 30 mins away where phone reception isn't great.

Sorry if I wasn't clear!

I meant unless H finds someone to sleep at his.

He won't if I ask him so I'll just wait and see and make a back up plan too.

wait and see and make a back up plan too.

Sounds like a good plan

Hope that things went more smoothly today

Yes no upsets or changes of plan but I am struggling to sleep because all the constantly having to be careful and NOT reveal anything in case it is used against me is really getting me down.

Dc1 has come home and said dad wants to get lots of new furniture for the house and seems to want to pass on anything he doesn't want any more .

This brought back to me how annoying it is that I am have been paying for everything for the last few months and how he is still refusing to give me any money to equip the new house.

I have of course bought things but I'm not sure there's any legal way to force him to pay despite the fact that we agreed that I leave and my lawyer originally talked about a sum of money to equip the new house.

I guess i probably need to ask my lawyer to talk to me about finances because even if I get maintenance for the dc, it won't back date to May.

As we are married I'm not sure there is anything I can do.

Or, I guess as he is sending me letters from his lawyer asking me to justify what I spent from the joint account before I left (one order of a fridge, washing machine and dishwasher that he agreed to previously), I could send him a bill for costs since May.

Need to find a way to get my brain to turn off, mindfulness/meditation is not working and neither is the

Try writing it all down? Stream of consciousness style - imagine that all the shit whirling around in your brain is running down your arm and onto the paper - might help for a bit.

Good idea!

Consider getting a copy of "From Stress to Stillness' by Gina Lake - it's available on Kindle and worth its weight in gold. The first part of this book completely changed my life. The second part didn't resonate with me at all but that's ok too.

Read a sentence or two every time your mind switches into the old habit of worrying about this/that/whatever.

Developing a different way to be takes time and practice and it's ok not to be where you feel you want or should be. It's a bit like being a toddler and learning to walk - you had to fall over a lot - but you got there in the end. Falling over is part of the process. Treat yourself to something special every time this happens.

Is the furniture his to get rid of ? Or was part of purchases acquired whilst married using a communal "pot" ?
If so surely the furniture is half yours
Also in view he has participated zero € since May, you could put it to him via lawyer, that lack of child support is counterbalanced by these appliances? Or does he consider that his children eat nothing cooked, & nothing cool.
He really is a bottom feeder.
There is a law now about child support, once it is in place he must pay he cannot default.

I suspect he is just miffed that OP is getting new stuff so, as with her birthday/kids birthdays he feels entitled to make sure he is top priority.

You get new stuff from necessity. He gets new stuff because why should he have to be left with old stuff (that he wont let her have) HE WANTS NEW STUFF

I also wanted to ask about Monday. Is Monday a day he is supposed to have the kids? If so then OK wait and see if BIL can come early or suchlike, but if its 'doing you a favour' by taking them a day early then avoid it like the plague, because any leeway in your arrangements will be noted and used against you. I would ensure that I have cover for any eventuality and NEVER ask him to do a single favour ever - not drive them anywhere, not 'let him' keep them overnight on an extra day even if its really inconvenient to you. Stick to the judges decision 110% to the letter

I suspect he is just miffed that OP is getting new stuff so, as with her birthday/kids birthdays he feels entitled to make sure he is top priority.

Absolutely! And yes @Mix56 the furniture is half mine and he can't get rid of it. I'm sure he'll find some loophole to mean he can store it in the basement or something while we wait the 2 years for the divorce.

For the coming weeks, your advice is right, I won't be asking him any favours.

He is supposed to have the dc for 2cweeks now so Monday is included.

Yes one of the things that bugs me going forward is that there is no room for helping each other out and no wiggle room at all, which will be detrimental to everyone but necessary with his mindset.

For Monday I'm now thinking that 2 friends have 20 year old daughters who know me and might be willing to sleep over, I'll contact them I think because last night I couldn't sleep til 4 am and I really need this break to be able to keep things together for the dc.

Re the furniture. Again head fuckery and control control control. He needs to be in charge and in your head and he'll do/ say anything to do it. Including using/ telling the DC stuff about furniture or phones or school stuff or whatever he comes up with next.

Detach detach detach. His problems are no longer yours. It is difficult when you feel the DC are being impacted. But that is what abusive mean rely on.

Men

Presumably he can be instructed to not dispose of anything or store it in such a way it will get damaged! It's not his to dispose of.

I agree with MsPavlichenko re the furniture. This is just another way that he can find a link with you and reason to involve you. I know it's hard because you bought that furniture and I know it's money but, at the end of the day it is just furniture. It's not worth the headspace.

Let him dispose of it. Don't engage with him at all. Ignore any messages about furniture, it's just another hook which he wants you to bite.

Detach, grey rock, Alicia.

She may not be a great role model but bear in mind Sinead O'Connor's lyrics:

'I'm walking through the desert
And I am not frightened although it's hot
I have all that I requested
And I do not want what I haven't got '

He is trying to tempt you and you don't need it. You have your independence. You have your children. You have your friends and your family. You have us. You do not need what you have not got. Remember that.

Here (US) it's normal to have a clause in the initial divorce papers that basically forbids either party of giving away/selling/throwing out anything that is community property unless both parties agree, in writing.

I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't something similar in the UK. Otherwise, someone could sell off or drain whatever they felt like.

You do not need what you have not got. Remember that.

Very wise words, I need to keep my sights on this.

I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow which will help and have had a lovely old friend staying for the last 2 nights which helps too.

I had ignored the furniture email for the moment waiting for my lawyers reply.

I was thinking of just getting in writing in an email a reminder that he refused to let me leave with anything, knew that I had to buy all new stuff to make a home for our dc and that now 3 months later turning round and offering me stuff he wants to get rid of is a bit insensitive/rich/crap/surprising... insert appropriate word...

I won't reply til I've talked to my psychologist.

Or as you also said, totally grey rock, oh thanks for the offer, glad you are making projects and moving on with your life, good luck with that.

BUT thanks to your advice, I had set up his emails to filter into a separate folder and so didn't see his email for a week!!! Result!

Just catching up. So glad that the email filter suggestion worked. Even if he doesn't know it, it puts you back in control of when you decide to read his latest demands.

No real advice just now but want to say, you're an amazing woman. I can't even imagine how difficult all of this must be.

@CharityDingle thanks, it has hard to put into words how much the support on here helps, particularly when faced with someone who consistently thinks the worst of me and ground me down over the years.

Unfortunately H sent his last email to my work account so I saw it late at night and consequently didn't sleep.

I need to be more careful about leaving my phone in another room at night.

Mind you, when I don't reply, H often texts to say he has sent an email so there's no getting away from it totally.

For the moment I can't block him as he has the dc and it wouldn't be justified.

Just waiting to see my psychologist now she is going to talk me through H's medication etc.

Oh and the good news is that friends have agreed to take the dc on Monday so that I can go to the whole of my yoga course
.

Another option that you may be able to use, if you have someone who would do it for you, is to divert all his emails to a 3rd party. They then read them and let you know anything important. Anything unimportant or abusive never gets to you.

I know a couple of people who have done this and it has been a sanity-saver for them, not having to deal with the abusive emails.

And then if he texts to tell you, just reply "Yeah, I know" and leave it at that. Because if you don't reply, he'll just keep texting til you do, won't he.

Oh and hurrah for the friends, so you can go on your course!

Another way to handle his unwarranted contacts is to treat yourself to a new mobile number - leaving the old one just for his contact. Shove him in a drawer unless the DC are with him.

Never respond unless it's directly connected to something valid. Let him text away to his hearts content.

I was about to say what about a new phone.
Direct his emails to your work address to your home, with no notifications on it.
Leave him on your old phone, and maybe even turn it off, check it periodically unless he's got the dc.

Good suggestions but unfortunately the number he has is my work number and I can't change that.

To be fair, he doesn't text a lot (compared to a friend whose ex texted her at all hours of the day and night) and I will just have to work on my self-discipline so that I ignore the texts and don't go and look up his emails after receiving them.