DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

I do hope you start a new thread, if only because, over the last few months, Ive been so caught up in your life that I would miss you if you disappeared (though be glad that it meant you no longer 'needed' us cheerleading from the sidelines and life was obviously going well)

@NettleTea

I feel the same - perhaps why I never feel lonely as I have so many lovely people checking to say hi online.

I sometimes feel it would be good to move away and onwards and NOT be checking back in all the time.

OTOH I still feel like I want to share what's going on, it won't be plain-sailing even if things are calmer, we still have the appeal to come, plus presumably a review of custody once exH has gone past the landmark of a year since his psychotic episode (so in May or July, depending on if it's considered to be a year from the episode or a year from him leaving the clinic).

I guess if I feel that other people are also able to draw strength from my "journey" I will keep updating.

Not quite ready to "lose" contact with you all.

The way mn is set up, if any of you change usernames in the future I won't be able to PM you to update I guess.

I sometimes feel it would be good to move away and onwards and NOT be checking back in all the time.

It's a tough one, jamais. Sometimes it feels almost intrusive to post iykwim.
Hard to get that balance right. I think you are inspirational fwiw.

It is tricky. I know if you don't post life must be getting back to a happy normal. And you don't owe us all anything. But it does give me a bit of virtual joy when I know your life is good, and I sadly enjoy giving a bit of advice when I can.

Just checking back in to say hi. Had a bit of a break from responsabilities with my mum here last week - even had a catch-up with old friends and a night away.

It's annoying though how despite me moving on and feeling stronger, I'm still shaken up by any contact with exH.

On Tuesday I spoke to my lawyer/barrister about exH's appeal.

I was shaking while I was talking to her on the phone even though she says we have a very good case and I trust her to advise me well.

But it still means I've now got to go around asking people to write statements about how the DC are doing, showing that I am stable and "a good mother" and that they are happy in the current situation.

I'm not going down the road of criticising exH as a parent, although his refusal to take on any parental responsabilities since the judge's decision will work against his request for 50/50 custody and we will point that out.

The financial negotiations are going to start soon too, as exH asked the judge to designate a solicitor to make an enquiry into our finances and come up with a proposal (which I can reject).

Seeing as exH won't sign the initial divorce papers, it seems ridiculous to me that he is pushing to sort out the assets right now, but my lawyer says he is on some sort of "crusade" and I agree - he's still trying to punish me at a distance and racking up lawyer's and solicitor's fees is one way.

Of course he is also still paranoid and convinced I'm hiding money somewhere and so that is part of it too.

Trying to keep focused on work and the kids and not let it all upset me but I'm feeling pretty wobbly today - yoga tonight will be very welcome!

It sounds like your solicitor has the measure of him.
Re your shaking, it's been years and years of his conditioning you not to go against him, you're bound to be rattled. Talk it over with your psychiatrist maybe they can give you coping techniques for when you know you have to.
I think you'll find people will be happy to support you, Will school do one?

I agree with Fragles about the years of conditioning hence the shaking. You are doing so well though. I'm glad you have yoga which must be so helpful. You are a great Mum and a good person. Tis a pity you can't use us here for your statements! I'm sure in real life people will sing your praises as a parent. Take care of yourself Jamais.

I went through two years of bullying at work which ended more than three years ago. Last week I had to go to an appointment in the hospital where my bullies worked or used to work and I sat outside shaking and feeling sick at the prospect of bumping into any of them.

You went through years and years of horrible treatment and it's only been a short time since you said No More. Be kind to yourself. You're doing so very well.

Fingers still crossed for you 🤞

I’m been impressed by the strong way you have been dealing with things. Wobbles are to be expected under the circumstances.

I’m sure there will be people happy to write supportive letters too (by the way does he have to also provide such letters?)

He really doesn’t get why you had to leave for your own sanity does he!

I'm sure their form teacher, sports club coach, the psy etc, will say they are happy, well fed & cared for & have rapidly integrated esp considering all the recent changes & messing about H did re DS2s college, & not knowing where he was going, or staying right to present time. The marriage breakdown, father awol, the move
& the enforced secrecy....
If the judge asked them if they were happy, what would they say ?
even though they still have inevitable loyalty to their father.
I am certain this will work out fine jamais, especially as he keeps shooting himself in the foot !
I

on phone, that post is strange

You know that feeling shaky in these situations is completely normal, right? You've barely been out of this relationship for five minutes. You are still recovering from years of insidious abusive behaviour, chipping away at your sense of self.

I hope yoga and a bit of mindfulness helps you accept these feelings and appreciate yourself. You're wonderful - that's why you have a cheer squad on here.

It is so hard to break conditioning, isn’t it? I am fighting my childhood when dealing with what is going on between my husband and I and realizing that he is not my parents. (I am so fucked up!!! Poor man!!!) Meanwhile, I took a deep breath and thought to myself, “I wonder what Jamais would do?” Instead of going nuclear in counselling (as I promised previously) I channeled my imaginary calm, considered Jamais. It went very, very well. For the first time in these counselling sessions I felt heard and respected. I felt like I offered no opportunities for DH or the counselor to swing the fault of this situation back to me. (I wasn’t there.)

Good one Justilou, we won't way "Think Alicia" anymore !

say

Thanks. Yoga definitely helped plus the meditation.

I will keep in mind that I'm setting an example and do my best to be cool, calm, and poised!!! Well done @justilou1 sounds like a much better outcome for you.

I feel better today but still frustrated at some things, notably the fact that I have to be whiter than white when I have done nothing wrong- I have had to turn down 3 invitations lately because I have to be at home with the dc or back in time for when they get back.

They are too old for a babysitter but I know exh will use it against me if I leave them alone for the event, particularly if he has to drop them back at 6 or 9pm.

Frustrating, yes... but temporary. You know his game and you are beating him at it every step of the way!

Are there really no students that are 17+ that could not so much "babysit" as be a legally responsible adult so you can go out?

If Ex rages about it who will it look bad on???

You could ask a "babysitter" to do ironing or a few household chores so perhaps it will feel like they are helping with that rather than babysitting.

It's important you build your life and Ex cannot object to other people looking after the DC just because the courts have deemed currently not suitable as having overnight care.

Good idea. Get someone to come & iron when DH drops them off...
She could give them dinner etc

Yes to the suggestions above. Given the ages of your DC I assume he drops them off outside so no need for him to know who is opening door.

I think that doing practical things like this (however difficult) actually help with our emotional detachment. As I've said before the relationship dynamic continues and anything that helps us break away from the control /coercion is good.

Also it is perfectly reasonable for you or your DH to do things outside the home when you have DC. He may try to use it, but any reasonable person would have no difficulty with it.

Again our mindsets continue to be on anticipate/appease/accommodate for a long time. Sometimes it is the wise thing to be cautious of course but I think it's helpful to at least be aware of what and why we are feeling in certain situations.

Some good suggestions from posters, thanks.

To be honest, I'm not so much thinking about appeasing exH (it is so wonderful NOT to have to be thinking about and taking into account what he would think) but more what could be twisted against me in court or could even be used by exH to turn the DC against me.

For example, I have to show that I am the resident carer and parent and taking responsability for the DC. Even though it's probably perfectly fine to leave them alone at this age (I was babysitting BABIES from age 13), it won't necessarily look good to the judge if it is played up in court.

Also with regard to the DC, particularly on a day when their dad HAS to bring them back for 6pm/9pm, it's a bit off for me not to be there when they get back.

It doesn't make any sense to them that they can't stay on for a bit longer with dad if they are coming home to an empty house and might make them push back against the judge's decision which they seem to be largely accepting currently (apart from the to-ing and fro-ing about the cinema times in the holidays).

And if I get back late because of work reasons, none of my arguments about exH not being available enough for the DC will have any weight either.

So for the moment I'm being cautious while I see what arguments are going to be made by him and his lawyer in the appeal.

Having just had a lovely couple of days "off" (my mum came over to look after the DC), I can wait now for another couple of months and then call in a favour to get a night or a weekend off again I think.

Good to see you're keeping on keeping on, Jamais

I agree you're playing the long game very wisely here. I guess this stage of having to stick rigidly to the rules will pay off and seem just a short bump in the journey overall when you look back.

I agree with your approach to be clear. I think I'd do the same.

My point was a more general one, and also to suggest that a lot of the control/coercion is unseen and unrealised in my experience and opinion. I felt a great freedom too originally. But all these years later I'm aware of how much was bubbling beneath the surface and how I had accommodated him unknowingly. And did for some years after separation.

Also to be fair if it had been suggested to me I'd have been resistant to hearing it. I think that our own process is crucial.