DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

I've learned so much from MN about relationships. It's helped me come to terms with some pretty bad past relationships. All these women sharing their stories, the 'script' becomes clear. It's so helpful that others have gone through what you're going through now and have come out the other side into a better life.

You're one of these now, jamais. An inspiration to others. You've handled some appalling behaviour with grace and determination. I wish you and your children all the very best

Thank you for your post Jamais.

I think that for many of us it was not thinkable that we were in an abusive relationship.
After all there are no bruises.
But talking to you i become more aware of the patterns of verbal aggression.
YhiI s morning my 3 years old wanted to go potty with me instead of with my husband who was dressing him.
DH got upset and called him a mama boy and pushed him towards me.
I would have felt horrible before but wouldnt have dared voicing my concerns.

Today i said firmly and politely that it s not acceptable to push DS1 and that it affects his confidence if he calls him names.

DH raised his voice in front of both DC and said he can say whatever he wants.

No words spoken since this.
I also notice all the threads. They are making my dreams of having a good relationship crumble and make me realize that i have a problem and it s not my fault (easier to deal with than realising it s outside my hands to fix this)
Glad you are seeing so many friends.
Great to feel less isolated

Hugs
X

I am married to the quintessential good guy. We are in counselling. My boundaries and self-esteem have been eroded over the 17 years we have been together through careful and gradual minimization techniques. I am about to try and make him accountable in counselling about his cruelty and hypocrisy regarding a certain situation and how far he has set us back as a result - and how he keeps handballing the burden of fixing “us”onto me.

justilou1

He's not the good guy. Counselling with a controlling abuser will not work. In fact you might come out worse if he manipulates the counsellor too.

Be better use of your time to do the Freedom Programme.

Oh don’t worry.... I’m about to go nuclear.

Just place marking because fed up. Will catch up with thread later.

Justilou. Good luck with that😕

@justilou1 how are you doing?

Everyone here advised against counselling with exH, and it's true there was little point to it BUT it did show me beyond doubt that there was nothing more to be done.

ExH was so far from taking into account/acknowledging/even remembering my point of view that it was obvious we were operating in two totally different realities.

So it showed me that the problem wasn't that I wasn't communicating my needs, or being clear (I originally worked on this with my individual therapist).

The counsellor heard exactly what I was saying and acknowledged the problems but exH could nor or would not hear it.

It was like he was deaf or amnesiac or something.

When the counsellor asked him if he'd thought about things we'd discussed in a previous session, he appeared totally ignorant of them.

And we are talking about a highly intelligent, articulate academic here.

I could see that there was no hope left after just a few sessions.

It helped me to make the final break as I was clinging on in hope that there was some change I could make or some "revelation" that would come to exH which meant we could carry on and make things right.

You may not be so luck with your counsellor - mine was a trained psychologist with a lot of experience.

For example, there was a nasty incident during our holiday in February where I felt coerced into sex despite having laid out beforehand that I didn't want to be under any pressure for 10 days.

ExH first of all denied totally that we had sex, then admitted it when I referred to a particular detail (he had forgotten), and then asked why I had agreed if I didn't want to - I could have said no.

The counsellor turned it around on him and asked him why HE had insisted when I had previously made it clear to him (and in front of her) that I didn't want to.

I think at this point he stopped cooperating and trusting her but it was so precious to me after all the gas-lighting to see that I wasn't deranged or imagining things and that I wasn't being totally unreasonable.

Jamais - women often find it hard to see, let alone admit, that they are in an abusive relationship. This might be because the ramifications of admitting what's going on are too awful to face. And getting out of an abusive relationship isn't easy.

In my day, there was no internet, no information, nowhere to turn. It took me a long time to work out what had happened to me, and I had a fantastic therapist for some years.

It is fantastic that women are able to come here and share their experiences and advise one another about how to cope and how to take steps towards freedom.

The spirit of your openness and honesty while sharing your story with us has been very moving. Your continuing story is one of so many that happen to so many women.

Getting away from an abuser and rebuilding a better, happier life is the best thing I ever did.

It's the best thing you ever did too.

Mine has been trying very hard - not just in counselling, but in real life too. However, he has made a very big mistake by speaking out of school. (Just confided half a story, making me the scapegoat - when if he’d explained it in full, the reason he’s in this pickle is because of his own behaviour towards me. That part was of course, conveniently edited out.) When I confronted him about this, he has chosen to defensively cling to his right to confide in whomever he wishes, and that to have explained in full would have breached my privacy and broken my confidence. The hypocrisy abounds. Now he is choosing to focus on his belief that this is me having a problem with her (That’s a whole other post) when she isn’t even a blip on my radar. (She has a host of problems of her own and frankly she’s welcome to them.) Despite me stating that I need space, she wrote a long “apology” which was actually a “poor me” letter all about herself, which he has fallen for and he is waiting for my reaction. Because she hasn’t had that yet, she has been campaigning amongst our friendship group (and spreading this half story further) and making up a whole other dialogue that never happened - which fortunately nobody believes. DH doesn’t yet know this bit. Hence :- I’m absolutely about to go nuclear. The truth will be out, I will no longer be protecting my husband’s “nice guy” reputation, and as I have nothing to be ashamed of, the things he didn’t mention might as well come out too.
I am just trying to decide if I do this in therapy with him or if I do this with her there. Part of me is dying for a public showdown, but I don’t know if I have it in me.

justilou, don't involve this woman further, you say the others don't believe it.
"don't wash your dirty laundry in public", comes to mind.
Grey Rock,
think Alicia. (you can always re think this later)
Give him both barrels with the councillor however.

I would also avoid the public thing. These type of abusers welcome attention tbh. Raising it within counselling is worthwhile if you have a counsellor who able to deal with abusive men.

Another important thing I was told was that at the end of the day other people's opinion don't matter. I found things far easier when I came to terms with that.

You’re right.... Dignified silence is much more my style. I had a phone call from a friend in America last night who told me that this same woman shot herself in the foot with her relationship with her husband as well. My husband has known this guy since he was eight years old, and this guy is going to call my husband on the weekend and tell him a few home truths about this woman and her toxic intrusions into other people’s lives, including how far the gossip has spread. He will NOT be amused to discover that HIS confidence has been breached, will he?

Wow Jamais I have just caught up on all of your threads. You are an absolute super woman for how you have dealt and are dealing with everything being thrown at you. You are amazing and your sons are lucky to have you.

On a different note, have any of you noticed how many threads about sulking/silent treatment there are on mn?

Yes, there are a lot of threads about sulking / silent treatment, I have noticed that too. It's such a horrible way to behave, and so controlling.

Its not just women who are at the receiving end of the silent treatment. I have a male friend whose wife has not spoken to him since last Saturday, has slept in the spare room and avoided all contact. She told him by text that he was not to speak to or contact her until she was ready to speak to him as he had abused her trust. This is because he spoke to her adult son (to try and help him with a serious problem) but she had told him not to speak to him. They all live in the same house btw

I am trying everything I can to help him understand that this behaviour is not part of a healthy marriage and that he doesn't have to put up with it. I am drawing on the comments by so many people here who have experience similar and worse and hope that I can help him somehow.

How are you Jamais? 💐

@justilou1 hope you are ok?

@CyclingMumKingston I'm fine thanks, and you?

I saw my psychologist yesterday and she thinks I'm doing great and encouraged me to see how far I've come and the change in my confidence levels.

Having a nice long weekend with the dc, dinner with friends last night, lazy morning today and then we have a bonus bank holiday on Monday.

Still heard nothing from my lawyer about the appeal. I assume no news means she hasn't had exh's arguments yet, as far as I've understood the process, his lawyer lodges an appeal specifying what he is appealing (custody and maintenance) and then they have 3 months to submit their written arguments/conclusions.

We then have 3 months to submit ours.

So this time round I will know exactly what he is arguing FIRST and be able to get together any statements or documents and include them in our arguments.

Last time I submitted first and he took every one of our arguments apart one by one (not that it was that convincing given the outcome).

This time we will know what line they are taking and adjust our strategy to that.

It's hanging over my head but I'm trying to not let it rule my life, which is pretty good right now.

Another thing I've noticed is that I'm finally back to functioning 100% at work.

Others have said they haven't really noticed, but I notice the change in myself, I felt kind of damaged, and a bit slow or distracted.

I'm feeling competent and on top of things now, but at the same time horrible remarks exh used to make keep bubbling up to the surface. They probably need to come up though, so that I can acknowledge them, and then dismiss them (and feel sad that I values myself so little that I believed those things were true and justified).

Also I think it must be good to know his arguments will be flawed because they're to benefit him, not to benefit the children.
You're doing great.
(Must be killing him!)

So glad you are feeling 100% again. As you say it's best to acknowledge the hurtful comments and now you have a clear head, let them go as you can see them for what they are, ways to put you in your place. It's like lancing a boil, let the nasty stuff out and it will heal.

@jamaisjedors when is the 3 months up?
I've read all your posts and take my hat of to you, you're amazing and how you write now shows how far you've come. Well done and keep loving yourself and the DC.

@Letstalkabout6 i think the 3 months will be up in mid January.

I assume it's in exh's interest to get on with it, as the whole process of appealing can take from 8 months to 2 years...

I will try and get hold of my lawyer next week, she may have info from ex's lawyer.

it will be interesting to see what batshittery he comes up with. Hopefully you will be able to look at it from a distance and recognise the madness, rather than get dragged into his mind games. The longer you are apart, the better you are to deal with his stuff objectively, which is exactly what is needed in court - stone cold facts and not a hint of emotion.

@NettleTea it'll be worth starting a new thread just to let you all know what he comes up with!!!

I know from experience that it will affect me, but also that I am well able to deal with it and so is my lawyer.

I am holding onto that in my head.

Hi Jamais, I am so impressed with your confidence and equilibrium!!! You never cease to amaze me with the speed with which you recover from wobbles either, these days. I’m looking at you for inspiration.
Thanks for asking about me. We have our counseling session tomorrow, and I am going to announce that I have a subject that needs to be covered if we are to continue. (I had a brainstorm with a good friend about this the other day). I will discuss the A) Betrayal. B) Hypocrisy C) Gaslighting -he keeps trying to turn this into my problem with her. D) Him handballing it to me to fix. E) Her discussing this with everyone else to campaign her innocence.
If I don’t get to have this conversation. I will assume that there is no point.