DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

I'd deny all knowledge of it,
And keep it hidden away, tbh.

If he’s that paranoid, it might be good to keep to hold over his head for future blackmail purposes anyway. (Obviously not through official channels!)

Did Sam give it to you or did you clear his stuff from the clinique?
You could legitimately say you'll look out for it. You still do have stuff in boxes and honestly it isn't a priority for you,
You have been battling alone to set up a new home & reassure your DC while he was a missing person & then sequestered in a mental unit in hospital,
If you spot it you will return it.

If he was so "sane" why didn't he pack up his own things?

I think you need to own that you’ve kept it. You had excellent reasons.
ExH had been gaslighting you and you had spent years not understanding that actually he was not mentally well. This was solid evidence which you were concerned you might need in a custody battle and the evidence of ExH’s paranoia could have been vital to the safety of your DC. Not to keep the one document you had which clearly evidenced Ex’s paranoia, when he was denying everything and had convinced you for years, would have been madness. Had he not gaslit for all that time, had he not spent your marriage convincing you that you were the one with problems, then you wouldn’t have needed it. But he did, so you did.

Now that you’ve won your custody battle, you can give it back- personally I would discuss with your lawyer whether they can keep a copy for you, and be open about that too.

I'd keep it tucked away and say that you'll watch out for it.
Mind you I would also try to buy an identical blank one and use it to take notes in next time I had to face him in court

I’d photocopy the notebook and put it somewhere safe (maybe give a copy to your solicitor).
I’d then give it back to H having found it in a box. You don’t need to tell him or anyone else, exactly when you found it.

@MotherofTerriers - you are an evil genius!!!

Can you not video his reaction for the edification of your many fans???

The notebook won't help his case, will it? It proves your case, for sure.
I would copy it, I think and give back via legal channel.

How about you 'find' the notebook, and propose meeting (with Sam?) so you can pass it over to him and he can return some of the furniture at the same time?

Ok, so you've got 3 options. 1. Never admitting you've got it and keeping or destroying it. 2. A half true story of 'finding it' and giving it back. 3. Admitting you've had it all along and giving it back.

You also have 3 factors to weigh up with each option - a, how you feel about it morally ; b, whether it can give you any advantage or disadvantage legally; c, Xh's possible damaging reaction

Can you go through each option and rate each factor on a scale of 1 to 5? The overall score for each option could give you a steer on which comes out best for you. Even if it doesn't do that, it might help you work out for yourself which of the factors matter to you.

or just give it back, & say, "an enlightening read". Did you show it to the psy ?
whats he going to do, rant about you reading his private diary ? (when he was clearly off this planet)
It was hardly surprising, everyone was trying to discover what the fuck was going on.
Does he even remember the psychological meltdown ?

I’d be mindful that you’ve told your solicitor you have it. Surely if she knows, if asked about the it, she can’t lie and say you haven’t got it.

So you are probably best to copy it and give it back.

I wonder if he thinks there is something different written in the notebook to what he actually wrote.

As at the time he was in the mist of his psychotic episode, he not remember correctly what he has written.

But yes take a copy and give the original back to him.

I wonder if he thinks there is something different written in the notebook to what he actually wrote.

I think he believes the notebook contains the evidence of your evil harrassment of him - either because he can't remember because he was ill, or because he still is ill.

Of course in fact it just contains evidence of his worsening paranoia and any decent solicitor will tell him not to bring it up ever.

I'd photocopy every page, 'find it' in a box and hand it back via the court.

I like the idea of getting notarized copies first, then. That way, that information CAN be used to your advantage if necessary, either held over his head or used in court if required.

In some ways, it's worse for exh to get it back, because then he will know I've read it and know the truth about what he thinks of me (and my family

At this point I would ,after reflection, I would return it via the solicitor, & let them both know you have read it. he will assume you have anyway, & it IS evidence. Wouldn't he have read yours under the same circumstance?

Copy it
Give it back through the courts as per lawyer's advice.

*I wonder how many of you advising have actually experienced someone like this? Truly, morality and common sense and admitting defeat just doesn't apply and never will. People like this are dangerous. There is no end to their ire. They'll use anything and anyone. There are no depths they wouldn't go.

I'm sure some of you have experienced someone like this and understand that eg righteous indignation is entirely ineffective and inappropriate; as is what is 'right'. You have to be extremely wiley and NEVER lock horns. He has to believe he is winning or he is dangerous.*

What @springydaff says.

It is hard to explain to 'normal' people what a personality disordered person is like.
They have to be in control.
No rule or decent behaviour will not be broken, in order to win.
They will start WWIII and destroy families in order to not be wrong.

They have no insight. They do not want to have insight. They never, ever change.

I will do this :

Copy it
Give it back through the courts as per lawyer's advice.

And I'm starting to realise that this :

It is hard to explain to 'normal' people what a personality disordered person is like.
They have to be in control.
No rule or decent behaviour will not be broken, in order to win.
They will start WWIII and destroy families in order to not be wrong.

The stuff about the notebook is too specific, I'm going to ask MN to delete - thanks for all the advice.

Oh yes, it's 2nd day of contact for the DC with their dad.

He is already trying to mess with the timings.

Last night the DC said that Dad wanted to take them to the cinema (they didn't know what to) and so they would get back a bit late.

I said Dad needs to contact me directly.

This morning DC2 texted from the car with his dad asking if they could get back at 10pm tonight.

I said "Dad needs to contact me directly".

ExH texted me to say "the DC want to go to the cinema tonight and the film finishes at around 10pm. Is this ok or not?"

First of all, there is no film locally that finishes at 10pm, so I assume it would actually be a lot later most start at 9pm).

I am back at work this week so already last night was tough when the DC got back at 9pm because they wanted to chat and play games/watch TV whereas I wanted to get myself sorted for work and go to bed early.

So it genuinely doesn't suit me for them to return at 10.30pm or 11pm (the agreement states 9pm).

So I've texted back to say "So that means the DC return home after 10.30pm? Please find a showing which fits with the judge's decision".

Just had a call from Sam who I thought would say "be flexible" but in fact he said, "no, don't agree to it, especially now that exH has appealed, he could use it against you".

He has been trying to get hold of exH to find out how he is but still no reply.

I think that's wise. You need to stick precisely to what the court has ordered. This has only just started and he is already pushing at the boundaries. If you don't hear from him again maybe a second text to reiterate, the children have to be home by 9 as per the judge's direction.
Then if they come back late, you have evidence that you didn't agree.

He just can't help himself, can he?