DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Are you tempted to forward on his ranting email to your SIL or Sam, Jamaiis?

It's just more evidence for your solicitor to show how unstable he still is and how he doesn't have the DC as his priority.

Brush it off and rejoice in the fact that yet again he has shown himself to be a complete twat.

I'd only reply to him to clarify that he is not looking after the children or organising any lifts etc for them on that Wednesday, just so you again have it confirmed that he isn't fulfilling his obligations.... and so he can't accuse you of "misinterpretating" his last email

@Ghostontoast absolutely.

I forwarded the last rant one on to Sam.

As I am planning to speak to my Sil in a couple of weeks I will forward her my email and ex's rant response so that she can see for herself his state of mind and what he construed as "abuse" (ie reminding him of his obligations or setting boundaries).

he knows he is in the wrong morally

He really doesn't! Normal rules don't apply when you're dealing with someone like this.

He's not having a tantrum and it'll all calm down eventually: he's just getting started.

I wonder how many of you advising have actually experienced someone like this? Truly, morality and common sense and admitting defeat just doesn't apply and never will. People like this are dangerous. There is no end to their ire. They'll use anything and anyone. There are no depths they wouldn't go.

I'm sure some of you have experienced someone like this and understand that eg righteous indignation is entirely ineffective and inappropriate; as is what is 'right'. You have to be extremely wiley and NEVER lock horns. He has to believe he is winning or he is dangerous.

I have mentioned reverse psychology as a means to get what you 'want' Eg if you need him to pick up kids early, ask him to come late. It works every single time. When I begged him to see the children he flatly refused; when I said they were busy and couldn't see him he was suddenly all over them, demanding time etc. It's like the throttle on an engine: you have to get there pressure just right to get what you want. Fine tuning.

You are doing incredibly well jamais - I am sure you are never shrill. You have a lot more official support than I did eg he was MUCH more powerful than me.

I had the above advice from a psychiatrist, which I initially rejected - it's hard to accept that good and right don't apply. It was over time I saw the wisdom of what the psychiatrist advised. Simply because if someone like this is backed into a corner they can be extremely dangerous. You have to calm the beast.

Keep a diary of all the times he does not meet his responsibilities with the kids, too. This can (and should) be raised regarding maintenance in the future as well. (Especially if alternative childcare and transportation needs to be arranged.)

@springydaff is quite correct... he doesn’t believe that he is morally wrong. There are only two sides in any war (and this really is a war...) his side and the wrong side.

He really does keep on reminding you why you left.
At least you'll have lots of evidence to send to the next review.
I think I've read it on here before but probably worth repeating. About the grey rock but the bit where every message you send is very similar, so it becomes boring and can't be responded to. So have a stick list of sentences to copy and paste into emails.

He doesn't believe in psychologists ?
Says the man who had a mental breakdown & was recently in a mental health clinic, has had his medical notes sent to the judge & is on strong meds to keep him stable
The paranoia is flagrant.
Just send a mail confirming his refusal to take his DSs on his allotted day. Then Ignore
Hope you had a fantastic party! & DSs saw you happy & realise the change in you😁

He didn't need a psychologist because wasn't ill, it was all your fault remember 😂

"Truly, morality and common sense and admitting defeat just doesn't apply and never will. People like this are dangerous. There is no end to their ire. They'll use anything and anyone. There are no depths they wouldn't go."

@springydaff this is my s(hopefully)tbxh. This absolutely sums up the way he has behaved throughout our (so far) two year divorce process. There is not a reasonable bone in his body. Thankfully, he has no interest in the children, just wants money. Unfortunately, I don't have any to give him so it is our home that he wants.

OP you have come such a long way since your first thread and you have championed and put your boys first all the way. They are very lucky to have you. Thank goodness the judge has seen what your H is.

Reading about your H, there are so many similarities with mine but he has never had a mh diagnosis as far as I know. I would be fascinated to know what he would be diagnosed with though ... other than abusive twat!

Have a wonderful party tonight. The proper start to your new happy life.

Thanks for all the continued good advice, it's TRUE this is not a phase has going through, this is who he is and reverse psychology sounds like a good plan @springydaff
@Mix56 and @Haffdonga I had a great party last night, loads of people turned up and brought lots of lovely food and drink and presents.

The dc arrived at 9pm and said hello and then retired to their rooms but came down for a dance with me and the last friend at 1am.

Doubtless dad will hear all about it today but who cares.

I had the confirmation that I am surrounded by lovely people who think I'm worth turning up for and I feel on a real high today, even when mopping the floors on my hands and knees with a cloth because I haven't got round to buying a proper mop!!!

I didn't miss Exh once, in fact it was startling how simple it was to organise and clean up afterwards without the added stress of him and his needs and his way of doing things (the only possible way to do things).

Settling down on the sofa now to eat leftovers and watch an easy film.

I hardly recognise myself from the person I was a few months ago, I like my new life and all its possibilities and most of all the freedom to be myself with my friends snd my children. 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

Brilliant update! It is actually startling the realisation that thi GS are easier without them isn't it?

I worried about the practicalities ( my DS is sevely disabled) and how I'd manage That the DC wouldn't cope etc. In fact it was much better at home almost immediately ( not with XH needless to say). It was liberating not having to factor in his needs/ thoughts/ opinions and way of doing things!

things are easier

It was liberating not having to factor in his needs/ thoughts/ opinions and way of doing things! absolutely!

& The constant disapproval ...

This is great, and you will start to come back to life in front of your boys' eyes, which can only be a good thing.

Ooh I haven't seen at least one possibly two threads but I saw your first and am delighted to have stumbled across this one! It sounds really positive for you. I can't believe he's still twittering on about furniture 🤣

@Mix56 yes, oh how I do NOT miss the disapproval or worse, the fear of his disapproval !

@Coffeeandchocolate9 yep, the DC came back today having asked their dad to take the computer back and said that Dad needs it and Mum will have to buy a new one.

I said there's no reason why you shouldn't have it when we share out the furniture, but if Dad is going to be difficult and stall and you need one, I will buy one.

Thank god I am ok financially and will be for this year with maintenance plus family benefits too (plus my salary of course).

I think I would have rolled my eyes and muttered something about him still be a controlling knob 🙄

@RandomMess

Just wanted to say you are brilliant and your boys have a fabulous mum!

Take it out of the joint account as an expense for the boys....

yes, definately out of the joint account, along with an email saying you are buying a replacement from the joint account as he is refusing to let DC take it and they need it for school

yep, the DC came back today having asked their dad to take the computer back and said that Dad needs it and Mum will have to buy a new one.

Mon dieu, quel grand con wanknoodle!