DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Glad all the financial matters are sorted one way or the other and he can't shaft you!

I guess when he informs you he is not picking the DC up on his Wed you just reply "Who have you arranged to do the childcare for you and have you let the DC know?"

Who have you arranged to do the childcare for you and have you let the DC know?"

That is exactly what I've replied !!!

I know what the childcare arrangement will be, they will stay at home alone but I also do this (they are 12 & just turned 15) so can't complain. However, as I said, I organise someone to take the dc to activities if I can't be there.

I very much doubt he will.

Actually this time I could at least drop them off and come home for lunch, but I'm not going to, to get the message across and also because I have to juggle enough on my own weeks as it is.

Unfortunately the dc will probably just see that they can't go to sport, not that their dad has not organised anything.

Thankyou and it's sad but you need to make it clear to them. Or they won't properly appreciate all you do for them.
"It's dad's day on Wednesday, he's said he can't pick you, do activities etc, he hasn't found anyone else to do it so you'll have to come straight home as I've planned to be at work"

This week they may well not notice. If it becomes a pattern they will realise it is happening on their Dad's time.

Hopefully they will make friends and perhaps they can sort lifts out via them.

Brilliant update Jamais! Your DC are old enough to work out for themselves that they need to judge their father on his actions and not his emotive and manipulative words. This means a direct cause and effect each time he fails to prioritise them on his court appointed days. While it is galling that they might miss out on a few activities, this will put the unrealistic access demands of their father into perspective, i.e. why make such a big song and dance about demanding and manipulatively involving his own DC by exploiting their torn loyalties about ‘fair and equal 50/50’ custody when he cannot even be arsed on his one mid-week day. This will pretty much instantly expose his narrative of the wronged father for the complete bullshit it is. Your sons are also old enough to learn about the sacrifices that generally fall on to mothers to juggle their own careers with raising a family and that all too often they are the ones to lose out and are relegated to glorified family ‘managers’ while the father has the audacity on top of it all to claim that his career takes priority and that he is entitled to greater ‘professional status’ by merely being more selfish. It is a very teachable moment that real parenting all too often means having to pick up the slack of what usually is a feckless father. There is no need for slagging of their dad but it exposes his utter hypocrisy and that talk is cheap!

I wouldn't resend the list, I would say you need to check my email of X date, the list of items I have kept was provided then.

Completely agree with Grumplestiltskin, why make such a big song and dance about demanding and manipulatively involving his own DC by exploiting their torn loyalties about ‘fair and equal 50/50’ custody when he cannot even be arsed on his one mid-week day.
& the computer is needed for DSs school work I assume ? So what is he suggesting ? DS's own computer can only stay at his house ?
He is an idiot

Unfortunately the dc will probably just see that they can't go to sport, not that their dad has not organised anything

Eventually though, they will start to see the pattern - that when it's their dad's turn to be responsible for them, he fails them. And by not picking up his slack when it's his time you are sending the message that your job is just as important as his Very Important Job.

Doom + gloom here: I don't think you can spell out to them he's a wanker. Imo you have to cover it up so they don't get to live through the angst. This is what I mean about being a human shield.

I may be wrong of course.

So glad the money is sorted - amazing!! 🤸🤸🤸

She doesn't need to spell it out. It will be apparent in time. Even if she wanted to she can't shield them indefinitely and what would be the point?

He is their Dad. They love him. They can and will continue to do so. It doesn't mean that they have to believe he is a person that he is not.

I completely disagree with the idea that Jamais should somehow sheild the DC from their fathers twattery.
There are ways to communicate the basic facts of the situation, without bad mouthing the DC father to them.

I think it’s fine if the boys know that Jamais always organises for someone to get them to their sports/hobbies if she can’t be there, etc... and he doesn’t. If they start to notice the difference and ask her why she isn’t facilitating this for Dad anymore, Jamais is going to have to explain that her job is even more important now since she has been financially responsible for the kids, new home etc.....

I agree. It's quite reasonable to make them aware of that.

Being clear and open isn't bad mouthing. Don't agree with shielding them, they're not babies

Agreed, and IMO no harm in making it clear to them (and him!) that on the days that they are due to be with him, it's up to him to sort out alternatives if needed.

They need to know the truth in order to build resilience. And they need one parent to tell them the truth always. Even if it's not to her advantage.

My DDs went through an unbelievable amount and in the endless court battles, I always said we all want something from you. DGM wants more of you, Dad too and I don't want to loose any of my time with you. Everyone has an agenda.

Am inclined to suggest that a gentle introduction to an age-appropriate version of the truth, along with consistent counselling and Jamais’ very strong boundaries and loving temperament as an example are the way to avoid repeating the past.

Believe me my son saw right through my ex from a very early age. So will yours. They already know that you are the rock on which they can depend and their father cannot be relied upon.

Interesting debate and great to hear different experiences of the right thing to do in this situation.

For the moment I have said that next Wednesday is daddy's day but that he might be away and I'm waiting to hear back from him about what he has planned for arrangements for you as I will be at work.

I spoke too soon about exH being civil.

I replied to his last email pointing out that we agreed in court to pay half of any medical expenses (so he needs to pay half of the psychologists' fees) and he has gone on a massive rant about psychologists in general.

The gist of it is that I saw a therapist for 3 years and it resulted in me "brutally and suddenly" deciding to leave our family.

So basically he doesn't trust psychologists and is trying to make out I'm mentally unstable (old trick, I don't buy that one anymore).

2 pages of ranting from him about how I am manipulating and using the kids, how I couldn't even wait 6 months to work on our marriage, how I moved out despite ds1 having exams, how I have been abusing and harassing exh ever since, using money from the joint account to buy furniture, taking furniture from the house....

Tbh, even if it shook me up a bit again, it's a good thing because it shows me I dont need to feel guilty about the restricted access he has to the kids, because he is clearly still very angry and bitter and not quite stable DESPITE the high doses of medication (if he's even taking them).

I saw my psychologist yesterday and she thinks I'm doing great, handling things very well, and strong and sure in myself - and I am.

Plus tonight I am having my housewarming party!!! Have a great weekend.

Oh and when I asked why what he was doing about arrangements for the dc on " his" day, he said it was my responsibility as he only has a "visiting rights" and is not obliged to take the kids and I am their primary care.

I totally expected that, he is pissed off because I refused to pick up the slack for him and he knows he is in the wrong morally but will use "the law" to avoid taking responsibility.

Luckily the dc are old enough to stay on their own, but doubtless he plans to bring that up in court at a later date.

Luckily the dc are old enough to stay on their own, but doubtless he plans to bring that up in court at a later date., How is his lawyer going to argue that HE doesn't take the DC on HIS court ordered time because they are old enough to stay at home by them self, and therefore stay at home with you.

Again as we all knew once he was back at work all his interest in dc and you are way back down the list of importance.

I keep chuckling at his accusations of you harassing and abusing him, he really is very deluded. It is very clear just how abusive he always has been and him losing control has sent him over the edge.

KOKO

he has gone on a massive rant about psychologists in general.

You know him so well jamais - when he doesn't want to take on the normal responsibility involved with having DC he distracts everyone by bringing up any old rubbish he can think of. In the past this might have worked well with lovely sensitive you.

He reminds me of how accomplished my 8 year old son was at deflecting my attention onto all sorts of irrelevant things every time I simply asked him to tidy his room.

His power to shake you up lessens by the day - even if some of his old tricks take a while for you to see objectively - it's clear you are getting there though - I imagine it like the same old same old stagnant water running off a ducks' back.

Today be a duck - we're all in a row for you.

Yep you saw a psychologist for 3 years.... that's the amount of time it took to get the help to leave abusive DH!

What a shame his true colours reappeared so quickly.

Sounds like you're doing great and eventually the truth will put that you've been a constant, calm support for them. Well done. I hope this gives others the courage to leave unbearable situations