DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Agree that you don't want to get into a he said / she said with the dcs stuck in the middle. But nor do you want them only to hear his one-sided warped version of reality,

I suggest you tell them that he doesn't agree about their clubs but you are in charge and you decide what they can and can't do when it's your time with them. Their dad will make those decisions for the days when it's his time with them. (Hopefully this will start to reinforce the idea that dad can't mess round with the days they are with you and that your decisions are as important as his - and right now more important because you are in full charge).

If they ask why he's against the activities I'd be as honest as possible. e.g. well he probably doesn't want you to enjoy doing new things in X town because he wants you to go back to Y, but the judge will decide that later and before then I am in charge.

As part of them asking about why Daddy objecting, you can include "I don't think Dad has realised that it will make it easier for him to work as he would be able to just pick up on the way home" that is a way of being very clear that you are not being obstructive to the possibility of 50:50 care.

The other thing that is very emotionally healthy to do if they ask you about x y z or are upset about something is to ask them "why do you think Dad said/did that?" Then just listen. Obviously if they are way off because they have completely misunderstood you may have to explain something but otherwise it is a positive thing to have their own beliefs and opinions affirmed and heard.

Say Dad didn't collect them on time and they think he is lying but you know there was car collision and the road was shut, it would be best to say "I can understand why you feel like that but I know for a fact x did happen on this occasion although it's hard to trust what he says" hope that example makes sense?

You have to be careful of being accused of parental alienation. You can't say "it's hard to trust what he says". You can't say anything negative about him at all.

You can't lock horns with him and win - even if your 'locking horns' is rational and sensible. People like this fight so dirty and are breathtakingly devious - they will use anything, including and especially the kids; there is no low they wouldn't go. They never let up.

You can't fight and win. A very big part of dealing with someone like this is accepting that on too many fronts you will lose. Your best bet is fire-fighting. Your role is to be a human shield for the kids, knowing they'll get a fair few of the bombs raining down on you.

Don't lock horns with him, expecting him to concede defeat - he never will. If it looks like he's about to lose he will fight dirty and deadly. You have to make it look like he's winning - you always polite and warm, never cold. Reverse psychology works like an absolute dream so use that to the hilt.

I was talking about reflective listening if they say they don't trust him/believe what he had said.

It didn't take long for him to show his parenting skills or lack of same.
KOKO jamais, that's all I can say. I do hope that the court ruling sorts some of the shit he is going in with.

My experience with the courts is that it's 50/50 on a set schedule, not a one picks up the slack schedule.

The lack of payments should massively work in your favour. ExH never paid child support and this was looked on very unfavorably despite my agreeing to it. I didn't want my ex to have any say in my finances (another stick to best me with).

One thing in terms of agreements is make sure it's clearly stated that it's up to him to provide all clothes etc for when they are with him. Kids should not be lugging stuff between houses beyond the ridiculously weighty cartable.

You have to make it look like he's winning - you always polite and warm, never cold - this is what my psychologist advised and I am very careful to be cordial and to sign off politely in my emails.

RE: parental alienation, I was worried about it before the hearing, because exH kept alluding to it, but the judge told him he was lucky to see the kids in this situation and that I had facilitated that so I'm less worried now.

I am careful not to say anything negative to the DC and always encourage them to check with Dad or call him (most nights).

This is also why I "asked" him about the activities, so I couldn't be seen to be deciding alone.

In the end, the DC spoke to him last night before I got home and talked about their activities and their dad didn't say that he didn't agree!

So I told them he had emailed me to say he didn't agree.

I used @RandomMess 's technique of asking them why they thought he might be opposed to their activities.

DS2 had no idea. DS1 said he thought that as the activities were in "my" town, his dad might think I was "increasing my grip on the DC".

He is spot-on of course but also said he didn't think that was true as I also offered to sign them up and drive them to activities in their old town and the initiative for these activities came from them.

So in the end I emailed exH back to say I agreed we should hold off on making decisions about expensive activities which would need to be attended all year.

OTOH the after-school stuff for DS2 was dependant on being in that school and if there was a change of school of course those activities would stop (and they are free anyway).

I asked exH to let the school and DS2 know if he formally opposed DS going to sport after school today.

I have heard nothing back.

Now just wondering and waiting if we will hear from the judge today about custody... Trying to keep busy but feeling ok.

Is the judge's decision due today? 😱

Yep!

Everything is crossed for you.

Crikey bobs. Bet you're on pins. Good luck!

Best of luck x

Whatever happen you have the skills & strength to manage it jamais.

*happens

Everything crossed for you

Oh Crap.. will the school psy have reported to judge already?
Hope you get a good outcome

Fingers and toes crossed for you jamais.

good luck OP

🤞

My lawyer just called - she is brilliant.

She got the judge's decision, basically status quo, kids are resident with me, no overnights at all with their dad (they will be sad about this) and maintenance is fixed at just below what we asked for which is plenty !

Can't quite believe it but my lawyer said the judge has obviously spent a lot of time studying the paperwork and the different reports and exH has shot himself in the foot several times and it has been noted.

She's emailing me the full report this afternoon so I can see all the details but she says that ExH is going to take it as a slap in the face.

Not sure he will, he'll probably just say I have manipulated him and he will be able to play the victim.

Only worry now is how to tell the kids that there are no overnights possible with Dad without them thinking that I am the one enforcing this so I'm not in a celebratory mood, more just relieved that this is over for the moment.

Another good thing last night was that DS2 said he would be ok to stay in his new school now - good thing because he definitely will be - and thank god I moved him when I did otherwise our lives would be super-complicated.

This is where I say a huge thank you again to everyone for all their advice and support which has helped me get through all this - hopefully as my lawyer says, we can now get on with our lives.

Brilliant news Jamais.
Long time lurker here, have followed from the start.

Look after yourself x

Another lurker here following your story from start. I am so pleased for you. There will be other battles to come but for now, pause and give yourself a massive pat on the back. You have done so well.

That's great news to hear for you. Hopefully once the children know it's the judge setting it, they will accept it easier. Being a person outside of the family maybe helpful

Yeehah, brilliant, brilliant news, you must be so relieved.
How will this work for holidays though if the kids can't stay at night with their F ? He have them if their is another family member I assume ?

Congratulations from a lurker.
You always get brilliant advice from posters, but my input for telling the dc would be to say this is what the judge ruled based on all the evidence given to her including medical assessments.

What I really wanted to say is, when I read your updates, I always think of you as a line dancer balancing your dh.

You are extremely good at this .