DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

I have a friend who divorced five years ago and she still has to keep her plans for the weekends her kids are with their dad secret, even from the children, as he will cancel at the very last minute if he hears she's got something on. Five years and still controlling. Stamp it out now!

@Defenestrator Arghhh, 5 years!

I was worried about that, I can see it happening in my situation certainly.

Afaik, if we have 50/50 custody exH has to take them when he said and if not, make his own alternative arrangements.

If they are resident with me, he only has "visiting rights" and so can choose not to take them whenever he likes.

Apparently this is quite common and sometimes leaves (mostly) mothers high and dry for example for childcare during the holidays if announced at the last minute.

It's a shame to keep plans from the dc a secret because they like to know I'm busy while they are away (they seem to be concerned that either I or ExH will be lonely without them), but it's probably a necessary precaution.

Yes - what RandomMess said

Point out that always prioritising "work" is not healthy. Didn't he tell the boys that it was "work stress" that caused his psychotic breakdown? Point out that it should have been a wake up call to find a better work-life balance but that he hasn't done that which is a sign that he is still mentally ill and risking another breakdown.

Make it clear that he is making his own choices. If he wants 50:50 he knows the schedule needs to stick to it. He has to prioritise being a parent and that means putting them first and planning around your children - not cancelling when it get inconvenient. Equal parents cannot pick and choose when to look after their children and expect the other to pick up the slack. If he chooses to prioritise other things then he is choosing to miss his contact - he doesn't get to unilaterally decide that you will continue pick-up the "wifework" while he prioritises what he wants to do now that you are divorced.

Random is right.
What if you are away too? Do you cancel as his calender trumps yours?
50/50 is not unilaterally deciding "I'm busy. XW will have to keep the DC"
Make dure you note exactly when you have cancelled being away & when he justs hands you the "baby" & leaves

If he's not doing 50:50 he needs to start paying maintenance and fast

I don't think you'll need to explain anything to the boys about where their father's priorities lie. I think they'll see for themselves

But I agree with everyone that you will need to set in stone the days which are 'his' and 'yours' even if he only gets visitation or you will never be able to plan things for your own time. There's no 'making up' time. That's not a thing. The boys will understand the fairness that XY and Z times are dad's times and ABC are mum's. If dad needs to do something else during his time he organises alternative care. Likewise you would organise things if you had to go away.

Unfortunately you are probably never going to be able to be cooperative flexible co-parents but that might happen one day in the future if you set your boundaries very very clearly now.

totally agree with not 'swapping days' - you will be given the runaround for ever that way.

His calendar. His days. He has work, he is supposed to organise alternative childcare, like you have to if you go away. Or he cancels the work trip as has other commitments

If he misses HIS weekend then he misses it. Next weekend is when its scheduled.

He doesnt know the half about being a parent, he is just a Disney Dad. And after all, wasnt it him that was wanting the 50 50

I disagree with Haffdonga all they've known is that what Dad does is so so so important and that Mum should pick up the slack. They are conditioned to believe this, it will take some undoing.

I agree with RandomMess, this attitude needs to be called out.

all they've known is that what Dad does is so so so important

This is true. Last night DS1 mentioned something about salaries and about the difference between mine and exH's salary.

He said it was normal that Dad got paid more because he worked so much.

He saw me make a face and asked me to explain so I explained that my job was just as important but that Dad was older and able to complete his qualifications before having children whereas it wasn't possible for me (I'm pretty highly qualified but no PhD unlike exH who finished it just before DS1 was born).

So yes, they are already to conditioned to "know" that daddy has a very important job and MUST NOT BE DISTURBED whereas mummy will work out a way to help with homework or lifts and juggle her own work.

More fool me, eXH used to tell me to let the DC get on with it (like him) but I always strove to keep a balance between me (successful) career and spending time with the DC, even if it was very stressful at times.

Interestingly, despite exH being initially supportive of my career, when I got a big promotion about 4 years ago, he didn't step up at all to take the pressure off me with the DC.

A lot of my colleagues think he was jealous of me and this contributed to the split.

I'm sorry I'm the voice of doom but..

5 years? 15 for me. These types never stop. He married again and I thought phew, he'll ease off. Nothing like it! He had an obedient new little wifey and was newly incensed at my disobedience - and stepped up the campaign. They never stop. You left him without his permission and he will forever be obsessed with fighting to get the balance 100% in his favour (95% won't be enough).

It took me a long long time to get this - but there was a peace once I did. Re: he will never change, he will always be thus. It won't ease.

If you say anything negative to the boys about him he will pitch in and play unbelievably dirty, running you down in an oh so subtle way, deeply effective. You can't afford to explain anything to the boys, you have to keep quiet: your actions are key here, not what you say (because you can't say anything).

I agree it does need explaining to the boys, ie if something comes up work wise on my work I have a choice, I'll make other plans for you two as you're my responsibility or I'll have to cancel/reschedule. And it's exactly the same for Dad, he has to make other plans and that's not automatically me or he cancels. But he can't get into I'm owed time with the boys. The calendar is set, and if he makes that choice to miss his time then he'll have to wait.

@springydaff so so sorry that you have had such a tough time.

I think exH is totally capable of keeping this up for life, I've seen him (and his family) hold grudges for decades...

The sad thing is that I can learn to deal with it, in fact I ready am, but it puts the dc in a horrible position.

The latest example is tonight, I emailed ex to let him know the psychologist has planned an appointment next week and to tell him that the dc want to sign up for various activities.

He has written straight back to say he wint agree to the activities as they are in my town (9 mins drive from his house) and the activities assume the dc will be living with me and staying in the same school.

I have not replied, tomorrow I will acknowledge receipt and say that in that case he can announce it to the dc.

Again, it's shaken me a little but instead of intervening, I am following my psychologist's advice and letting him carry on working against the dc's interests and requests.

He can contact the school and tell them he is opposed to the activities or I can. It won't endear him to the school or the social worker and shows what we already know, he will do anything to get his own way, including trample all over the dc.

I'm sad for the dc who were super excited about their activities and who will feel torn because daddy will bring up the custody and school issue again and make them feel guilty for wanting to sign up.

Exh has confirmed he is appealing ds2's new school, but that could drag on for months so there is logical reason why ds2 cant start doing a (free) after school activity while he is still at that school.

there is NO logical reason why ds2 cant start doing a (free) after school activity while he is still at that school.

One thing I want to point out is that although it's hard for you to get the children to understand, one day, they will make their own minds up and see him for what he is. There is a ray of light but I do feel sorry for them and you at the moment with the mind games and control he just cannot see to let go of

Think I'd reply "I'm sure you can manage the 9 minute drive to their school on your weeks to enable them to do their chosen activities"

So for the time being say yes to the school and let him justify why he won't enable it!

Stupid thing is the activities will make ex's life easier as it means ds2 will finish school later (the activities are 2 nights straight from school) and so he will finish at a time more compatible with a working day.

I have signed the permission slip for one activity for ds which starts this week.

His father is out of the country and can tell the school himself if he opposes it.

Ds can do the activity this week, if once ex is back in country he wants to oppose it then ds2 can go on my weeks and not on his...

Of course he'll accuse me of manipulation etc.

I hesitated about informing him at all, but that could be used against me with the issue of me enrolling ds2 without his "permission".

So my choice was to inform him, be fair and honest, and then let him be the difficult one.

I rhubk this is what my psychologist meant about letting him do things, I need to let him show what he is capable (and incapable) if.

Despite all this, I don't think it will change the dcs request for 50/50 custody but in a funny way (not really), if ex does get 50/50 custody down the line , he will think he has "won" which possibly will calm him down or shift his focus.

I'm dreaming, right?

Now DS2 is settled into the new school, what would possibly be the advantage for DS2 to change back ?
Is it more convenient for XH to get him to school?
or is it simply a power play.
If XH has 50/50 then why does his wish trump yours ? historically it always has, but logically if you don't agree, then you just carry on !

Good luck for the court hearing.

I'm divorced from ex and want to move to France, but not possible at the moment. I've been interested to hear all about how it works over there. Awful for you.

Is it more convenient for XH to get him to school?

You guessed it! If ds 2 changed back, he could get his school bus from his dad's and exh could carry on as before with work.

If he stays, ex will have to pick up ds2 but it's in his way home from work. Ds2 could also get a bus back to his dad's from new school.

But if he goes back the big advantage for ex is that it makes my life almost impossible because the old school is a 45 minute drive from my work with no transport possibilities.

Hence ex's argument that he could get full custody of ds2 if it was "too difficult " for me to drive him to school.

To explain - in a reasonably straight line:

A=city ex and I work in
/
(10-15mins drive)
/
B= where I live, ds1's school, ds2's new school
/
(9 mins drive)
/
C=old family home
/
(10 mins drive)
/
D=old school

The DC very much want 50:50 so he would be denying them that...

The DC
would not want to live with him 100%

Could you forward his email to the school psych who wants to write a report

God, a stray meteor would be fabulous, wouldn’t it?

@Mix56 - no you are right, there is no chance of the DC wanting to live with him 100%.

@mankyfourthtoe - good idea, I have her email address and can forward it to her this morning.

I haven't said anything to the DC yet, I'll wait til tonight and then decide whether I tell them or let exH tell them.

I don't want to put them in a "he said she said" situation (my psych said I should avoid justifying things to them too much) but they do look to me for explanations too and their dad will guilt-trip them about custody implications etc.