DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

@charitydingle

He is still managing to control the narrative totally, my psychologist said this too. Minimal interaction is the way forward for everyone, the dc are so much happier this week and ds1 has said he feels things have calmed down- which is actually not true because exH is just as angry as before but it's just the dc are not being exposed to angry interactions or tensions, they can just live their lives normally.

@jamaisjedors

I’ve followed all your threads, but haven’t commented until now.

You’ve done so well, in what has been a stressful time.

I just wanted to say, is there a possibility that the DC’s psychologists could see the DC’s after not having contact for a while and directly after they have?

I’m suggesting this, as they will note down the differences in their behaviour etc and will give further evidence to the judge that 50:50 is not in their best interests for a very long time.¿

for you

That's a great positive post Jamais !
I expect the DSs will start to realise that a w/e with you is harmonious & stress free, whereas a w/e with their father is full of angry, intrusive comments. they will find their way quite rapidly.& realise where they prefer to be.
Great that the stress of living with him has gone, & health, sleep, life in general on the up & up !

Here's to personal peace & harmony.

jamaisjedors I have just read all of your threads. I think you are so strong. I learned that I was in an abusive relationship through the Relationships board and I think a sticky thread would really help.

I alternated between thinking it was my fault and thinking it was just because he was ill. I a pleased to see how far you have come and how well you have done. Your threads are and enducation on how to deal with this sort of relationship and come out the other end.

That's great jamais, fantastic actually.
I know there's loads to get through yet but honestly the positivity of your posts there is lovely to see.
Well done to you and to your boys.

Hope all is quiet and the boys are settling in their schools. Have a good weekend.

@Siablue I totally get that feeling I alternated between thinking it was my fault and thinking it was just because he was ill

I still get twinges of it now, but reading "The verbally abusive relationship" has really brought it home to me that we were not living in the same reality (with ExH) and so there is no way he can see things differently.

Unfortunately this makes for a very difficult separation, but as you say, I am stronger every day. Nowadays I am able to talk about what happened in May without crying and quite matter of factly.

Last week I saw the school social worker who wants to ask for an investigation to be opened - she thinks (like me) that exH will probably appeal the judge's first decision and it would be useful to have extra information to give the judge (from social workers and psychologists).

I was originally unsure about setting an enquiry in motion but it's out of my hands now, it's her decision and given the email I received from H this week, I think it's necessary.

We had a reasonably quiet week, with a bit of "squabbling" with exH about DS2's after-school activities.

Then mid-week he "officially" warned me he would be away from Sunday and so unable to take the kids at the weekend and the following week. He also cancelled DS1's psychologist appointment because it was "too much of a rush" to get him there.

He had muttered about it previously but not officially told me either of these things.

On advice from my lawyer, I replied in an email (and copied her in ) that I noted he had cancelled the appointment which had been specifically requested by the psychologist (she wants to see exH with DS1).

I also noted that he was cancelling his visit with the DC without making alternative arrangements for their care.

Of course he sent back a really nasty email (which thanks to all the advice on here about separate folders and being disciplined about checking my email when I want to), I only saw on Friday.

In it he accuses me of trying to paint him as an unfit father and says I have been verbally and psychologically abusing and harrassing him by email for months now and this has to stop now.

It's a very irrational and ranty email and although it shook me up a bit, I was steadier than in the past and I think it actually just paints him in a bad light.

I replied calmly and factually to confirm I could take care of the DC while he was away. I also said I didn't know which emails he was referring to for the harrassment but that he still hadn't answered my requests to settle our finances and finalise sharing out the furniture.

I'm actually not that bothered about setting these two things but this shows it is impossible to arrange things amiably with him because he is obstructive and stalling and has been happy to leave me now for 5 months without furniture or any payment for the DC.

Not good for the model father he is trying to paint himself as.

I'm keeping up the meditation which seems to be improving my concentration/focus as well as allowing me to react calmly to provocation from exH.

The DC and I had a lovely weekend, I had a great day on Saturday on my own (seeing friends, doing a cooking workshop, sorting stuff in the house) and then we had a nice day on Sunday just chilling (and cleaning - I was previously "spoilt" with a cleaner but nowadays the DC need to step up too - I think it's good for them!

Hope you all had a good weekend?

Tbh he's never going to change, you'll just get better at coping and as soon as the ds are 18, hopefully there'll be nothing for you to do.

A good response from you, is he in charge of rearranging his psych appointment with ds

You handled that so well and it's probably good for all of you to have an extended break from him whilst he is away.

He is showing over and over again how damaged and how damaging towards the DC he is.

KOKO

That was an excellent response! He is showing just what an abusive, controlling person he really is. Yes OK, he has a diagnosis as well, but even so...
You are handling this SO well xxx

The last resort. no its not me, its you.
What abusive emails ? He sounds like he's cracking up again.
Persecution
Is he away for work? What other reason would he have to be away/unavailable?
Sounds like the school social worker is "on your side"? What happens next ?
You sound stronger all the time...
Bravo

Interesting he has just bailed out of 2 weekends of having the boys after making so much noise, especially to the boys themselves, about how much he wants 50:50 residency.

Unsurprisingly it is turning out that he can talk the talk interminably but he can't walk the walk.

Now he is back at work, he just isn't able to do 50% childcare as he never did it before and they just get in the way - it was only ever about controlling you and making a lot of noise about things being 'fair' anyway. Fair to him that is, not the children.

If he really wanted 50% he'd be falling over himself to have them at every opportunity - the only person he's made look bad here is himself.

This is also going to be a way of gently saying to the children that he just isn't up to 50% right now, even though he says he wants it, and they may want it - in reality he can't do it.

Great that psychologist is requesting an investigation. Wonderful that the request does not come from you!!! He is showing his true colours as predicted - he can’t help himself. He can’t “care” for the kids. It’s a power play. A show. He just wants to win. He’a already lost and somebody’s probably told him. Maybe if you’re lucky, he’s found someone to grab his attention and he won’t have time to focus on you and the boys anymore (except as token victim mode).

Prepare your healing heart for a new woman on the scene - that's usually the next thing abusive men bring along in their sad attempts to get to you.

You are amazing jamais. If this is his next trick it has potential (if you allow it) to impact hard - we wonder how easily he can move on to someone else - but they are easy with other people because its all about them. The DC can't meet his controlling needs but a new lesser knowledgable woman can.(for a while)

Remember she's not getting anything good our of it (poor woman) - and his behaviour after the showiness of a sham romance will turn to control - just the same as it will with everyone. He may play out a good show to try and capture your interest again - especially as your growing confidence doesn't fall so easily for his attention seeking dramas.

Keep your armour on. Pay even less attention. It's all smoke & mirrors.

You are on your way to perfect happiness & showing your DC that living beneath such control is no way to live.

The only thing is he may suddenly become very spendy in his efforts to impress the future Mrs Itoldyouso

jamais I will have to read that book. I have just finished Why does he do that? Which was very illuminating.

It sounds like you have dealt with everything well. You can’t be amicable with someone like that but at least you can be calm. With the emails it is going to be very clear that you have tried to be reasonable and he hasn’t.
It is good that the social worker is going to do an investigation as well. That will support you. I agree with what everyone else said about him cancelling the weekend with the boys. He clearly doesn’t want 50 50 he wants to be in control with you doing all the childcare. It is probably better for the children to spend more time with you and less with him.

Now he is back at work, he just isn't able to do 50% childcare as he never did it before and they just get in the way - it was only ever about controlling you and making a lot of noise about things being 'fair' anyway. Fair to him that is, not the children.

Yes, this is right and I think he is still so fixated on "doing what was agreed" and on controlling me that he can't see this at all.

If he really wanted 50% he'd be falling over himself to have them at every opportunity - the only person he's made look bad here is himself.

This is what my lawyer said, which is why she advised me to email him and point out that he was NOT taking every opportunity to see the children.

Unfortunately the children don't really see it, "work" is so sacrosant in the family that they are used to coming second. I have been guilty of it myself in the past but exH has always put work (any kind, charity or paid or chores) above all else.

So for the DC, daddy "has" to go away for work and of course mummy will accomodate that - she always has. My lawyer pointed out that I need to put my foot down now otherwise exH will pull this trick of being away or busy for work all the time.

TBH in July he already sent a "calendar" up to Christmas suggesting 50/50 custody but adapted to fit around his work obligations.

One thing I'm not sure how to deal with down the line is how to talk to the boys about this attitude of their dad's that I will just pick up if he has work obligations.

For example he didn't see them on Sunday, so they were assuming that he would see them next weekend to "make up for it".

Luckily he's not here anyway so that option is not available.

But much as I'd love to be flexible, it's just not possible in the immediate future with exH so I don't see why he should get to "make up" a day or a weekend if he "chooses" not to be there.

Of course exH and the DC will say that he had no "choice" but that's not true, I have chosen to cancel several work trips over the last few months because I need to be in the country and don't want to leave the DC, even with family, at the moment with all the uncertainty.

Maybe it's something I can talk to the psychologists about.

I'm sure others will have better advice on how to handle him changing agreements left, right and centre but for me I'd think its about making a commitment to follow what you say you are going to do. So maintaining your own integrity. That you can't flit about changing things here and there to suit your own needs.

So perhaps in general convos with the DC talking about what it means when you make an agreement to do something - that perhaps it can be changed but there will be consequences - that some agreements can be changed - if - agreement is sought from everyone involved and it suits all parties.

This can be learned in simple stages like when they don't want to compete a chore they've already agreed to - and where - on some occasions - but not others - you agree compromises with them.

Don’t let him “make up” days with the boys. Those are your days. He will start changing the schedule regularly to keep you guessing and to have control. If he needs you to have the boys for one of his days, it doesn’t change the future timetable

Just echoing everyone else in their advice not to over accommodate changes to contact as he will likely just use this control you. We are now at the point where the seemingly positive flexibility DH had with his ex means we literally cant book anything at the weekends because the pattern of contact with DSS changes constantly. It also used as a form of control if ex finds out we have a special event or plans for a weekend and that's something i can imagine your ex doing as you carve out more of a life for yourself and want to book a course, weekend away or whatever - I should add that DSS has a permanent bedroom at our house but we've tried to find couples time after a really traumatic year. Your thread is an inspiration in the power of women! I love reading how strong you are in your updates.

I think you explain to the DS' that Ex attitude towards work is wrong and unhealthy and that is one of the reasons why things weren't working. Tell them that you have cancelled work trips because you prioritised being with them and he is wrong not to do the same.

You can explain is charity work is completely optional, and he needs to change his priorities if he wants 50:50 with them.

They do need this life lesson else they will repeat the same mistake believing that work and buffering their self esteem trumps family commitments.

KOKO

What @RandomMess said

I think you need to be firm and not flexible at all with him, because he’ll just use it to continue to control you and the DC.

If he misses his time with the DC, then he will have to wait until he is next scheduled to see them. It’s not going to look good at all, when you go back to court and he’s already chopping and changing things to suit his agenda.

In regards to your DC, maybe get a professional to explain that this is about their best interests and not of their fathers. That he needs to prioritise their needs and not his own. By using the professionals, then the DC are more likely not to think it’s you being unfair.

Also, they may want 50:50, but the reality is if he keeps changing the schedule you’ll be doing the lions share anyway.