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Original poster

If the man you were dating said this would you walk away?

102 replies

goggleboxing · 13/07/2019 18:24

I’ll try to keep this as brief as poss. Have been dating a guy for a few weeks and we went out for dinner last night which was lovely until he dropped into the conversation that he had found out his ex girlfriend (they split up 2 years ago) had just got engaged to someone else and it had ‘floored him.’ He said he will always regret losing her and finding out that she’d met someone else and moved on was difficult for him to process. He even said that she will always be the one who got away.

I kind of sat there with my mouth open while he rabbited on about how he felt lucky he was dating me as if I wasn’t on the scene he probably would have taken the news much harder. He then said the break up had left him with all sorts of issues that he was trying to sort out but he was finding it hard.

I came away from that dinner feeling very flat. I mean, we’ve all been through tough break ups, but saying that on a date is a bit off, no? Or maybe I’m overreacting here?

OP posts:
Original poster
goggleboxing · 13/07/2019 18:25

By the way I am heading out for a few hours so may not be able to respond for a while

OP posts:
greenwaterbottle · 13/07/2019 18:26

Not over reacting at all.
He might really like you but he's in no position to take things further with you if he still feels like that.

raspberryk · 13/07/2019 18:29

Depends how long you've been dating. My dp told me how devastated he was when he and his fiance broke up (wedding booked and deposit paid) , we talked about his depression and other issues after. He knows everything I went through before during and after divorce. I don't understand people who think the past should be ignored.

serenadoundy · 13/07/2019 18:30

Has he found out now or is he just saying how he felt when he found out?

CandidCat · 13/07/2019 18:32

He even said that she will always be the one who got away.

This is the worst bit. I mean, that he confided in you it has shaken him is potentially a good thing, but to flat out say this is tactless to say the least. It makes you sound like the consolation prize. I don't know if there is any recovering from that, sorry.

palahvah · 13/07/2019 18:33

I think it's one thing for him to disclose how gutted he was at the time, and even that he was shocked by the news that she'd got engaged. But describing her as always the one that got away is.... Not something I'd want the guy I'm dating to think, let alone say.
I would be inclined to pull back - and probably tell him that I was going to do that.
But then I'm single! I have 'one that got away', and I'd hate for any of the guys I go on dates with to know that, I'm just living in hope that one day someone will make be forget all about the ex.
I wouldn't expect to tell someone I was pining for my ex and have him still go out with me.

Original poster
goggleboxing · 13/07/2019 18:34

He’d found out yesterday morning and i saw him in the evening. He was asking me advice on whether he should get in touch with her to congratulate her. I kind of felt like his therapist to be frank.

He’s blown a bit hot and cold while we’ve been dating and I’ve seen glimpses of him having mood swings but I wasn’t sure whether this was because he’s still hurting from his breakup

OP posts:
serenadoundy · 13/07/2019 18:36

He’d found out yesterday morning and i saw him in the evening. He was asking me advice on whether he should get in touch with her to congratulate her. I kind of felt like his therapist to be frank.

This answers your question Sad

Hadalifeonce · 13/07/2019 18:36

Good way to kill the mood. Think I would now kill the relationship.

Mammajay · 13/07/2019 18:36

You know the answer to this question, don't you? Walk away. It might shake him up to realise what he is losing in you. If not, better to walk now.

WoollyMummoth · 13/07/2019 18:37

Oh lovely, I’d cut my losses and move on over this. He’s obviously got a lot to process still over his “lost love” and I fear you will get hurt as he’s doing this.

ElspethFlashman · 13/07/2019 18:38

So you're essentially a Band-Aid? Who he can fuck?

Oh gee thanks.

I would let him go. Actually I seem to remember doing this once, a bloke called Sid of all things, I bluntly told him that I wasn't anyone's second prize so best of luck and thanks but no thanks. I told him I was going to hold out for somebody who would believe I was "The One" and if I was dating him I wouldn't be free to find him.

He didn't have much to say tbh. And a while later I met DH so very happy I ditched Sad Sid.

Yawninfinitum · 13/07/2019 18:38

Good grief OP get away from this one!

If she ended the relationship and then it’s normal that he might feel a deep pang to hear she is engaged.
But he should NOT be discussing that with you when it’s just happened and you are a new item!

Maybe in time we discuss past relationships and how we felt but not saying he is newly gutted now!!

Honestly OP he isn’t ready for a relationship and/or you aren’t the one for him

Don’t be his second best.

Indigo2019 · 13/07/2019 18:41

Not appropriate on a date with you. What was he thinking?

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 13/07/2019 18:43

Nope, sorry OP that'd ruin it for me. You deserve to be more than plaster to his cracks. He isn't ready and he shouldn't treat you like a therapist if he's dating you.

Eustasiavye · 13/07/2019 18:45

Id pull back from this relationship.
Start going out without him.
It sounds to me like he is still holding a torch for her.

JeSuisPrest · 13/07/2019 18:46

Whatever happens now she will always be the thorn in your side (and not her doing at all). Sorry, it may have been a throw away comment from him, but one you'll always remember.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/07/2019 18:51

I’d have been fine with him telling me found that out and he was a bit thrown by it but everything after thatno way If she’s ‘the ine they got away, what are you? Chopped liver??

He’s told you how he feels about her & you, you’d be daft to see him anymore!

sunnydays78 · 13/07/2019 18:53

I’m afraid I’d tell him that you will be no ones second choice and you aren’t there to make him feel better about a previous relationship.
I do think it’s important to share our pasts but he’s not over it and until he is he can’t make you the priority you deserve to be.
Good luck you’re worth more than this x

womaninthedark · 13/07/2019 18:55

Absolutely. Tell him you aren't going to be anyone's substitute.

HeadintheiClouds · 13/07/2019 18:58

If he’s happy to tell you this; he sees you as nothing more than a stopgap until someone better happens along.
Keep your dignity and leave before you’re pushed, so to speak. Why would you even want to stay?

Lipz · 13/07/2019 19:01

Lots of people get hurt when there's a break up, some more than others. It takes people different amounts of time to get over someone. It sounds like he is not over their break up. It's still hurting him.

If it were me I think I'd tell him that he needs to get his own head sorted and he's obviously not ready for a relationship yet.

When we break up with someone we do get a little lump in our throat when we see them making big decisions with someone else, we think that could have been me and we give it a small bit of thought but we get on with our own life and be thankful for what we have.

It does sound like he's treating you like a therapist, which indicates he's not ready for a relationship.

Paddingtonthebear · 13/07/2019 19:01

Yep I would knock it on the head. He’s not over it and to be quite frank he is wasting your time.

No need for any drama, I would just say that it’s evident he is not over his ex so you feel it’s best to part ways now, wish you all the best bla bla.

Onwards and upwards. It’s not you.. it’s definitely him!

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/07/2019 19:26

There's a thread elsewhere on here from a lady who took on a DP and became his therapist, helping him with his depression and other problems.

Maybe have a look for that thread and see where it has led her?

LittleWing80 · 13/07/2019 19:34

I wouldn’t be mean to him as he doesn’t sound in a good place but this is for him to sort out. He doesn’t sound over her tbh and you’d be wondering if you are second best. Also, please don’t ignore the mood swings that early in the dating, it’s not good x